Letting go

I can't express how overwhelmed I am by the kind thoughts, wishes and advice. I have done a lot of crying but now I have to be positive about a new future. Thank you all. X

Ah, Lindie! Everyone is rooting for you! Loads of us have been where you are at the moment and can relate to the pain you are suffering. Breaking free is like being reborn, you would have more energy, you'd be able to make new friends, go to new places and be totally free to come and go as you wish. After 3 abusive marriages, both physical and mental, and now on my own - yes there are times when one feels alone, but I have recently joined the local art club, am exhibiting my work, have joined a choir (I can't sing for toffee and was only ever allowed to sing in the bathroom where I could lock the door!) but they don't care that I don't sing well, it is all about the social side for lots of us, and there are loads of activities that you could choose from. From the moment I wake up I slap on the radio, and the tv for the news, and don't notice that I am alone. Am presently exploring fostering where I could give someone a pleasant life as I have a need to be needed. Go get some legal advice and spread your wings. Best of luck, we are all thinking about you.

I think clinging to the wreckage of a broken relationship only causes utter misery.
Being alone is much better than being in a bad relationship. The future is brighter, whereas there is no happy future at all if you stay in a miserable set up. I lost a lot, materially, when I divorced but my new impoverished state was SO much better for me, mentally and emotionally, and slowly I rebuilt my life. It can be done.

Oh and bearing grudges only eats away at the grudge-holder. The person they are directed at has no knowledge of your anger, so let those go too.

Lindie - I want to add what was in my heart when I wrote my earlier message, which is how much I feel for you and along with so many others I am sending you all possible caring thoughts and wishes for a better life ahead. One thing I could have done, but didn't think of, is an approach I know would have helped. I could have , in my mind, put myself ahead in time - say a year to two ahead - and asked my future self for advice about what to do now. This may help you, along with getting support from others - I wish I'd done that! I hope you will!

Lindie and the others in miserable toxic relationships - like so many others , I've been there too. I lost all sense that I was a person, I was depressed, I felt I couldn't cope on my own - even though my husband psychologically attacked me , stonewalled, sulked, verbally abused me - I was fearful of being on my own. I didn't know how to handle it. My happy present self , could give my past self such good advice! I finally got so desperate I knew I had to divorce him. It was hard - harder than it should have been, because I didn't ask anyone to help me, just by listening, by being there. I didn't feel worth it. There is such excellent advice here from gransnetters - take the first steps, get help, talk to a friend, get a plan with support and free yourself. It won't be easy all the way, but you will find you have more strength and worth than you believe now. Keep finding sensible and caring people to talk to as you move ahead. Maybe GN could connect people going through separation and divorce, with others who are ready to give support, to listen, and to give a perspective it is hard to get for yourself , during such hard times. It will not always be like this - if you are ready to leave an abusive relationship, you have a future without that corrosive misery. It will get better, if you get appropriate support, and take action.

Jaycee5; well said! Lyndie please do what Jaycee advises, please. much love.

MissAdventure So true, and somehow you can be made to feel responsible for them. I think in my case it was not seeing the wood for the trees type of thing; they treat you terribly but you make excuses and don't want to hurt them. I only saw how dangerous mine was when he turned the same treatment on our eldest daughter, with cruelty and abuse.

Lyndie your life sounds like the one I had. You sound younger than I. He is a psychopathic narcissist. He has brainwashed you having caught you so young. I am a psychologist so do believe me please. PLEASE get some support. Do you have a friend you can talk to? Just getting out of the house, be with someone else. I used to go swimming and cry as I swam up and down and no-one could tell it was tears! It wasn't any help! I do so wish I could help you. Can you find a solicitor? I managed to do so. You should get legal aid shouldn't you? does it still exist? I had it. The husband can't stop the separation/divorce by tearing up papers. If you feel in danger go straight to your Police station. They were wonderful with me. I'm speaking as if your ch have grown up and left. As for money, the divorce court has to arrange that and you won't be destitute I promise. It's surprising how you can manage on very little, I've done it and actually wasn't miserable. PLEASE get yourself in a safe place and I mean that in every sense, a place where you are not so depressed you can't act, so scared you can't leave, so confused you don't know what to do. Talk to Citizen's Advice, your GP, and as I said your Police station if you feel threatened and you sound as if you do. I'm thinking of you. We all are. Please tell us you are getting away from him.

Kacee Thank you so much, you are so kind to write so quickly. I will check my message in case I have, in trying to not talk for too long, not explained, the difficult times of living under those conditions with my husband ended in November 1991. I was issued a Legal Separation and custody of the children. He wrote to his brother that he was leaving me and taking the children (?) and then committed suicide. It was devastating. Although it's over 26 years ago, the shock and feelings of guilt do not abate. I none the less, do manage to live a simple life. The children, living far away from me, are adults and I am a granny. The children do not know what he was like except my eldest who had some suspicions and knows a little. I have very little money as he managed even after his death to leave me in a position where I get almost no pension not even a full state pension! Yet the freedom of not being bullied (see my reply to ooonana) is worth a millionaire's fortune! Bless you for your kindness!

Coconut; YOU SAID IT! well done!!

Luzdoh I am so sorry your life is so very difficult.
I wish I could offer you some advice

ooonana Do not fear being on your own. You are strong or you would not have managed to do all you have achieved so far - ending the bad relationship, travelling. It is so much happier being your own boss than being with a tyrant who will not let you live your life. I remember after my husband had gone having a strange experience. The garage door, a simple two doors swing open type, suddenly was sucked open by a strong blast of wind. My car was parked in front and one of the doors started to bang against the back of the car. I saw this from the house. I was immediately filled with terror! The automatic terror of "what will he do to me for the damage to the car?" Then I remembered he wouldn't know about it! It was MY car and he would not even see the damage! I was so relieved that I almost did not go straight away and stop the door banging! You see, you will feel so free, so yourself, so able to breathe, to live, to decide, to arrange, to meet people, to go out and do things, it will be like the beginning of your life! And you won't be alone. I listen to the radio indoors, chat at the bus stop, go to groups, read. I even like going for a meal alone! The waiters look after me so well and I always read a book. You will soon make so many friends. There's lots of advice on the internet about doing things on your own. I am at home, as I'm disabled and retired, so I have small dogs. This may not suit you, but if it's a possibility, having a dog or cat does stop the empty house thing from being a pain when you return from going out, otherwise leave the radio on. Take the plunge and enjoy yourself! I'll be thinking of you! Lots of love.

Luckylegs9 I believe you are right and have a niggling feeling there's some research saying that people separate several years after they would have been just as well doing so. Our replies show how difficult it is. The man still holds the money in most cases. The wife and mother has nowhere to go and cannot leave the children. The man will not leave. Mary59nana's compassion says it all. We all, I expect, are one with her. What can be done to help this situation? My marriage, at 19 under threats from him 14 yrs older, was over 20 years and 3 children of being raped, never being given any money, being put down and ridiculed in public, having lies told about me to good friends, having lies told about me to my very dear father. Being so terrified that when his key turned in the door my legs would give way. Eventually I had to seek a separate home because he set his same cruel attention upon our eldest daughter who was 18. She was unaware and was answering him saying such things as "No, you did not say that, " and "Mummy isn't a liar, it was .... " and "You did agree to go today/next week.." etc. These contradictions or corrections to his pronouncements were things I had learned never to do for physical abuse would follow at some time later. Yet for 20 years I was so scared. People outside thought he was a good man. I even had to keep up that appearance. I made it so that he could do his job and hid the things he did wrong in his job so that he was able to earn a salary. Yet never did he give me a penny and we married and had children before child care was adequately provided. Added to which he said none of his children were going into a nursery or being minded! I had to run behind him in the supermarket to put sanitary towels in the trolley. On the conveyor belt he would hold them up and say he had not bought them. It was hell. I lost my self esteem, my confidence was non-existent, I was always frightened. Yet I had nowhere to go.

Oh Coconut, that's so well put. Life certainly isn't a rehearsal. Lyndie, please act on the sage advice given here. Start today to reclaim your life...

I was in a miserable partnership for the last three years of sixteen. I chose to split last November and it was hard. I’m the other side of the world at present but due go return to the UK in March....... im not looking forward to it as I’ll be on my own.... what’s the answer, search me!

From someone who learned the hard way ... life is for living and being happy. Be true to yourself and live your life how you want to live it .... this is it, it’s not a rehearsal for the next one. If someone does not enhance your life what’s the point of them being there ? Now I am flying free I am flying higher than I ever have with no one dragging me down.

Lyndie Google Women's Aid

My sil divorced her husband after 40 years of marriage. She had affairs along the way, and got caught out on the last one, with whom she is now living.

The husband has a terrible personality, so we felt she was justified. Afer five years of continued support from us, she is STILL not happy despite getting half of the family home, a large legacy from her late mother plus half of his pension.

I think it was a case of having the penny and the bun, but now when left with just the bun, regrets have crept in. There's no way of telling what goes on in a relationship, each has his/her own side to tell.

I'm sorry to read about people having a difficult time, but toxic relationships hardly ever repair themselves in the hope that they will somehow change from what my experiences.

There comes a time, when tough decisions need to be made.

Lyndie I know it is easy for me to say online, but please don't give up. Speak to a solicitor again. There are procedures for dealing with people who tear up divorce papers. It is not uncommon. He can't just refuse to sell the house, that is a matter for a court. You need help to deal with the emotional side
I think this site is very good but there are plenty that you might find helpful -
www.wikihow.com.End-a-Controlling-or-Manipulative-Relationship
Take it inch by inch if you need to but you deserve a happier life.

sale not same. ?

The courts can order the same of the house and he has no option but to comply. As for tearing up the papers, make an appointment with your local Citizen's Advice Bureau. They have solicitors who will advise and even accompany you up court (although they cannot represent you) should you wish.
If you really want out, then do it now. Please don't let him wear you down.

Lyndie

I'm sure that you have explored many avenues in order to find a solution so I can't offer anything new, however, please take advantage of PM-ing anyone on here who you feel might be a listening ear for your worries.
Sending best wishes to you ⚘⚘⚘ and take care ☺

Too scared to carry on.

Oh Lyndie, your escape from the prison he built for you needs careful planning, but you can really do it if you put your heart into it. There's a whole new life on the other side, just waiting, and the way you tell it makes me certain that if you can get out you'll never regret it. But do get legal advice! It's a very sad fact that misery and stress are behind much illness. As a man I really feel for you. Good luck and keep us informed if you can.

I’ve heard a report somewhere that women stay in a marriage/ relationship for at least 2 years after it has died instead of getting out when it’s over. It took me 6 years to walk away because it was toxic but I loved him and my heart was ruling my head. Best thing I ever did the relief and freedom was immense.You can get over each and every hurdle one step at a time.Lyndie you are not alone.