Letting go

Am on holiday in Nerja at mo and we have met this amazingly interesting woman of 88! Ten years ago at the age of 78 she left an abusive husband. She said he would find her in UK so with only a suitcase she came out here and rented a flat intending to give her breathing space! She has never been back to the UK! She says it’s the best thing she ever did and wonders why she didn’t do something about it years ago! Seeing how many friends she has made here was inspirational. Not suggesting everyone uproots like that but it shows you are never too old to change your life for the better. X

Lindie - it all sounds quite familiar to me too, while I was feeling stuck in the painful marriage - school governor and all. You can do it! You can move! Just plan the first one, two or three practical steps and START on the pathway to a new life. Once or twice , before we actually sold the house and split up, I went to stay at a friend's house over night, to be free from the feeling of oppression. Do not be embarrassed - you are being truthful and may help both yourself and others reading what you write, to see beyond the feeling of being stuck and see a freer way ahead.

Why haven’t I got you lovely ladies with me to hold my hand. I did have counselling a few years ago to just survive. I wAs suicidal but not now. I am writing this with tears rolling down my face. I keep going. I have a large family. Friends and a social life.do charity work. School governor. All distractions. I doubt myself. Will I ever be happy. Am I ungrateful. Is it just a state mind. I have been blessed in a lot of ways. I have tried my best for all around me. Not always received but I always hope what I do for someone they will do it for another. I try to do something nice everyday. Either a kind word. Giving someone their parking change. Or giving my hair band to a young mum in the swimming pool. I am not perfect and struggle with my DIL. Am I too sensitive. He makes me feel everything is my fault. Sorry pouring my heart out. Initially I talked to my friends but I don’t want to bore them. It’s got to come from me. I was going delete the post a bit embarrassed. But here goes.

Oh, Lyndie and all hear stuck in bad marriages, I feel for you. Lyndie, please listen to pps (previous posters) and talk to the solicitor again. Also, reach out for some help, so maybe you can move out and dh can't terrorize you so easily. Don't tell him what you're doing. Just do it quietly.

He has way too much power over your thinking. Tearing up divorce papers doesn't mean the divorce is "canceled." Doesn't the solicitor have a copy? Dh may be controlling you, but he doesn't control the courts.

Leaving him won't be easy, but neither is staying with him. And the end result will be better if you leave. You might need some counseling to help you cope. Dh doesn't have to know you're getting it and doesn't have to know the real reason why.

Oonana, imo, counseling is the "answer" you're seeking, as well, to help you have more faith in yourself.

To all here who managed to find the courage to leave a bad marriage or relationship - Bravo! I know it must have been hard, but you did it. I hope other women here take inspiration from you.

FlorenceN - what a great question! Lindie - do look on line for support groups of other people going through divorce - I know Relate run some, and so do several other people. It will make it far easier to 'run for your life' with the support of others in similar situations. I know how frightening it can be to make the move to freedom and the unknown - a group can give you courage and support. I am conscious that others in toxic relationships are reading these messages too - so maybe Lindie's story can give courage to others. It is easy to feel you are not worth much, if anything at all, when you are in a really bad relationship. But you are as precious as everyone else, and though you may not feel it at the moment, you actually have got the strength and courage to move to a better life.

Exactly!!!

Run for your life. Don’t procrastinate. Be happy.

Lyndie, if I was your daughter and came to you looking for advice about being in the same situation you're in now, what would you advise me to do?
Good luck with whatever you decide. ?

Thank you Apple x

Lyndie - so many of us are connecting with your pain and wanting to support you in moving away to a new life. It won't be easy - but I remember the first day after I finally left my abusive relationship. I sat on the sofa and felt free from the fear of all that had been part of my unhappy married life. It wasn't all easy after that - and I wish so much that I'd looked for support from friends and from some of those groups organised by people like Relate, as I went through the divorce. Lindie - maybe you can feel that the GN members are part of your support, and report via this thread when you take your next steps towards a freer life. With love.

.....although at the moment I am hoping they have had a "lightbulb" moment and stick to it..!

I have a a v close family member who has "put up" with things! as hates being on their own, can't say any more due to comments/posts ending up in the media. but....yes lots do "put up" as cannot face the consequences .

Teddy123, love the bit about the 'walk in wardrobe'??

But crazyH you ARE strong and a coper .... You did it in much harder circumstances than me because you had young children & financial restraints. But you did it so I see you as very very strong. For me it has been family and my strong sense of 'responsibility' which held me back. Once I reached the 'drowning' stage my decision was finally made.

The only horrible part is that my memory is now playing tricks on me. I can ONLY remember the bad times with total clarity but none of the good times. That saddens me.

I've only got myself to worry about. My children have families and are settled. My parents are long gone. I say it again to bring a smile ..... It's just the walk in wardrobe that I'm going to miss.

Again good luck to anyone going through separation etc.
Keep strong x

To all of you that have had the courage to change their lives I congratulate you. It isn't easy but eventually you get your self confidence and you back. Think most of us worry about altering the status quo because of fear of the unknown? It's not easy saying goodbye to someone you love but doesn't return it but it can be done.

Wish I was strong and a coper. I stuck through an awful marriage because my children and I had no where to go. I had no job, no money. Finally went to the CAB. Sought advice and hear I am...own house, alimony payments (small though they may and not changed despite inflation). But hey ho I'm managing.

crazyH For me I truly believe it's been harder to stay. My parents stayed together despite a disastrous relationship. I'm praying both of us will find the peace we deserve. I almost (but not quite) feel sorry for my H 'cos he just doesn't get it. He'll never understand. Luckily I'm super confident and a coper. I've had to be!!!

Fully agree Aepgirl....."long time"....tell me about it ...it's 20+ years and I'm still struggling

From my experience, when you are deeply in love with your husband, and you think he is in love with you, and then he finds someone new, it's very hard to let go. It takes a long time for the hurt to lessen

Teddy123, Lyndie and all who are going through separation/divorce.......it's going to be hard.
46 years, phew !!! That's a long time....
I divorced after 25years ( not my choice ) ..that was hard enough.
Best wishes to all of you for a better tomorrow !!xx
P.S. I did feel a pang when I left my big house, big garden but they were full of bad experiences and bad memories and I was always reminded that it was HIS. I have a small house now but it's all MINE ??

After 46 years of marriage I found the strength and resolve to file for divorce a few weeks ago. Yep my lifestyle will change and my beautiful house has to be sold, my twin son & daughter (40 this year) aren't happy. BUT and it's a BIG but, you can't mend something that's broken. The cracks remain despite bucketfuls of glue. The decree is going through at a fast pace.

I feel brave and relieved and wish I had found the strength years ago.

I met a friend for lunch today whom I've known for 45 years. Her immediate comment was how well & happy I looked & that she was worried about me when we last met in the autumn. Eventually I explained
about the divorce which is the hardest part of all this! Soooo many people to be told.

I'm just sad that I have to leave my lovely garden and the large shrubs which I've planted and nurtured since we moved in. Oh and will miss my walk-in wardrobe!

As I said to my friend at lunch "it's water under the bridge; there was a lot of water and I was drowning".

Here's to another chapter!
Good luck to anyone else who's in the same situation ?

luzdoh
Reading about your pain made me weep for you. I'm so sorry that he didn't value you. ?
We walk past a million people and never know their stories. Thank you for sharing yours...and friendly hugs from me. ⚘⚘⚘

But supposing it's far from toxic, just a bit stale, maybe it was always something of a compromise. Is it worth giving up something that isn't too awful without knowing why or what comes next. After a good many years, untangling what pragmatically ties you together along with the division of property and assets seems an enormous task. And then there's the feelings, never mind hurt caused to children and other family. We have some friends separating at the moment and it is devastating to watch.

Of course where abuse of all kinds is happening, where there are control issues, one should leave but how do you know what to do under less challenging circumstances.

Hello there
iam so happy i found this site .its wonderful to be able to talk to other ladies who are in toxic relationships or estranged relationships
i had felt so anxious and depressed before coming here -gransnet -my safe harbour
thank you all

Getting back to the OP. Luckylegs , I think it’s human nature to keep trying to rebuild something that was once important to you. But, yes, there does come a time when you have to realise that ‘enough is enough’ and have the wherewithal to walk away from some people and some situations.

And not just physically removing yourself, but, perhaps more importantly, removing yourself emotionally from a toxic situation.

Does that make sense?