Devastated

CrazyH you can’t say “he loves you” about a man who has been betraying his wife with prostitutes over an extended period. And ReadyMeals what is with this “it’s just prostitutes”??
Not a definition of “love” I understand.
He wants it both ways. I suggest he moves out while you consider your position, although it is pretty clear cut to me.

Npanteli61 my heart goes out to you. You must be devastated.
I am usually of the opinion that, unless physical or mental abuse is involved, it is worth trying to save a long term, previously strong marriage.
What your dh has done is such a horrible betrayal of trust and I suppose you have to ask yourself if you can live with this knowledge eating away at you for ever more. Personally I know I couldn’t.
Maybe you are strong enough and love him enough to see it through, only you know that.
Be calm, be brave and do what’s best for you.

Man saying a sex with a prostitute
Is the same as a women have a facial.
No I don’t think so ....

Npanteli, I guess you're in a state of shock at the moment and not thinking too clearly. I wonder, however, how he would feel if you were found to be seeing male prostitutes.

I feel horribly sorry for you. I do hope you will accept all the wise advice about getting counselling. I focussed immediately on your saying that your husband feels self-hatred for going to prostitutes. This points very much to the fact that he needs counselling too.

For some women it is possible to stay married to a man who goes to prostitutes. I haven't been in the situation, so I do not know what I would feel like or do, but I think I would prefer my husband using a prostitute to him having a mistress!

Perhaps when you are less shocked you can get him to explain why going to a prostitute was (is) necessary for him? And what he imagined your reaction would be? If he thought that far, that is. How he visualizes your future?

I hope you get through this all right, whatever you decide to do eventually.

Personally I could never ever get over this and forgive him, if he can deceive you in such a despicable way, for such a long time, he truly has no respect for you whatsoever. A lot of men will say it didn’t mean anything etc but the fact is if it truly didn’t, it makes it even worse that they do it and put your whole life together in jeopardy. Would he forgive you if you did it ? Please get a check up and find the courage to find someone else who loves and respects you, someone who would never do anything to hurt you ??

I agree with lovebeigecardigan. If this behaviour is completely out of character it could be as a result of deep depression (possibley as a result of an unknown medical condition).
Talk to your husband as much as possible about it. It's hard to see beyond the hurt and disbelief but take some time for both of you to try and understand why this has happened

I don't know what I'd do, quite honestly. I don't think I could forgive but we have a lot of years invested so maybe I'd try to put it on the back burner. If you decide to stay there will be a lot of work to do to get back on track. Is a man who uses prostitutes worth that? I know men sometimes have a much greater sex drive than their partners but I'd find it difficult to marry up his urge (which can be satisfied in other ways) for sex with his happiness to exploit a woman and betray me. I don't envy you the decisions you have to make.

I had a friend who was very vocal about what she would do if her husband strayed, ie she would leave him without hesitation and this was the advice she gave when our friend suffered her husband cheating on her.
But low and behold when it actually did happen to her she stayed put. Only you know what you want to do. I think I would forgive it but you never know how you will feel till it happens to you.

I would lose all respect for any man that I knew who did this -- apart from the complete betrayal of trust to a partner many prostitutes are in desperate straits -- drug addicts and even trafficked here for the express purpose of prostituion, They are little more than slaves.
As well as the appalling infidelity I'd think such a man who did not care about that reality and prioritised his own needs was utterly sordid and despicable.

If you hadn’t have found out, you would never have known and you have gone on with blissful ignorance.
May be you need to attend Relate if you are finding it hard to deal with.

I'd far rather find out my husband used prostitutes than found out he had a close platonic female friend. The latter can be a lot more threatening to a relationship, even if sex isn't involved.

So this sordid secret life of his has been going on for 3 years. 3 years!

It certainly wasn't just a 'one off' moment of madness which you could maybe forgive was it, but 3 years. Ye gods.

The important element in this for me is the fact that he has only (supposedly) stopped because he got caught out.
If you hadn't discovered the truth, he would have just carried on wouldn't he?

He's not the man you thought he was op.

For many people, men and women, sex and love can be viewed and enjoyed separately. In using prostitutes, your husband has engaged in a straightforward transaction for sex. I would no doubt be upset if I discovered that my husband did this, but I wouldn’t let that alone, destroy an otherwise good marriage. It’s important to understand why he did it. Sex is a strong biological urge. Are there difficulties in your own sex life?

Try to hold onto the fact that this was just the purchase of sex. He has not had an affair. There has been no flirting, no wooing, no intimate dinners or whispered sweet nothings. I hope you work things out. Perhaps try couples counselling.

Peaches asked for a male point of view. I'm not ale but a couple of years ago got into conversation with a man who was quite open about his 'use' of prostitutes. The word use was his.
He said that he regarded it in the same light as visiting the barber or even the dentist, in that it was a service to physical need.
When I protested he asked me if I had ever had a facial or a massage. When I said yes he replied that to him it was all part of the massage and he didn't see a difference in the service I paid for and the service he paid for except that he had to pay rather more!

He wasn't married though.

I know this doesn't help the OP but I was just answering Peaches.

Dump him!

crazyH
Haha...loves her?
What man wouldn't say that?
Cake and eat it come to mind. I'd want to know the reason why he got divorced. Was it because he had the same urges?
Ugh!

Wow!!
IMO, that's just totally unacceptable.
Men can usually separate love and sex more easily than women but the edges are becoming more blurred for successively younger generations of females.
It's a fact that incidences of mouth and throat cancer in men, are on the rise (recently reported in the media) and this has been linked to oral sex in both straight and gay communities.
Personally, I'd want a divorce but it's your call.

Npanteli61 I'm so very sorry to hear this, and to learn that you have nobody to go to for support. I feel very distressed for you, and really would like to suggest you ask your GP to recommend a Counsellor. You do not have to tell your GP exactly what has happened. I am a retired Psychologist but I did not do sex counselling as it is a big subject and needs a specialist. However I have some recollection from days when I covered it briefly that visiting Prostitutes has a kind of addiction element for some men. I do believe he hates himself for it. He must get help. Your marriage needs help, he needs a specialist counsellor and you deserve a general counsellor to support you. It might be helpful to think of his problem as an addiction and ask him to tell you when he gets the urge and then you both stay together, at home, drinking tea or whatever. Do not try to replace the other girls by being extra alluring. There is nothing wrong with you and I am sure he loves you very much as you are. The prostitutes are only about the excitement, danger, and sex. Then he gets the overwhelming shame. Does he phone them or pick them up? Remember it is still illegal to proposition someone for paid sex. We are all concerned about you and sending our love. You are not alone.

It's just prostitutes, it's not falling in love with another person. Also (assuming he's not just looking for people in back alleys) I think most professional sex workers take their health and cleanliness seriously, get regular STI checkups, insist on condoms and do not allow mouth kissing. You should ask him these details to ensure your own health is safe.

If you moved 4 weeks ago does that mean he has to find a new prostitute or is he going back to where you used to live? If he is then you could go back and see your friends. I think you need a face to face 'shoulder to cry on'.

If you want to try to repair your marriage I think you need to see a marriage counsellor, this is too much for you to sort out alone. What any of us would do should not affect your decisions, it is what is right for you, not us.

You're not alone - huge support of us all here on gransnet . I dip in and out and get great solace from my invisible friends though grit teeth at some flare ups!
Cringe personally though re your husband's behaviour. What a thing to find out and how sad to post on Valentine's Day. If you do decide you can't live with it or him, be assured after the initial terror of being alone it can be the best thing you will do. Hope you work it out. I know that some grandpas use this site - any illumination from the male sex why you do this sort of thing?

I'm so sorry this has happened. As others have said, it's really important that you both get immediate health checks. A friend of mine is in a similar situation and accompanied her partner to the clinic where it was found that he had contracted an STI in spite of being symptom free. She is now awaiting the results of her own tests with great trepidation.

If that had been my husband the locks would have been changed before he returned home.
Do get medical advice, some conditions can remain symptom free until the damage is done.

I feel for you and know just how you feel.
My husband of 32 years slept with A women (in my eyes she was a prostitute working from her home) for 1 year.
The ultimate betrayal
To share a man personal bits is a no no
Please get yourself a health check and move forward with your life and family.
He will be the looser in life a just punishment of his infidelity