Have we reached a crossroad?

I do realise how fortunate we are (mainly as we worked hard and saved hard, didn’t over extend on property ladder and both have employer pensions) and I count my blessings every day. Considered the cruise but to get to Australia from U.K. it is a three month cruise and we can’t afford the time. Otherwise you still have the flights to pick up cruise in Sydney or Brisbane.

If you ever get to plan a trip to Oz you will realise that 4 internal flights aren’t necessarily excessive but essential if you are to see the Cities/outback/Ayers Rock and Gt Barrier Reef which is the usual itinerary unless you want very long drives.
I have generally taken Matriark’s approach but don’t feel it fair to impose this trip on him knowing he really doesn’t want it. So whilst the adventurer in me thinks I could go alone and do it as I would prefer (hotel/excursion/dining options), the realist in me knows sadly I am likely just to suck it up and stay home. As I say we do love each other despite our differences and know we can’t change each other. And inspite how it may appear from my post I’m not a selfish person just sad we won’t have these shared experiences.

Given all the things you both do and all the trips that you have, it seems to me that you are always out and about. Do you think it is worth thinking about whether your frenetic activity is your problem (just as you feel his more home-based attitude is a problem). There is a lot to be said for having times when you are at peace in your own company (or his) and let the world drift by a bit. Sometimes a desire for non-stop stimulation is a symptom of being basically unhappy with yourself. Just a passing thought - I will let it pass, as I am sure you will!

Sorry it took so long to compose this post that I see Cornergran has said most of it already! And much better than me........

I have always been happy to do things on my own or with a friend because my OH has never been keen on getting out and about. It is not something that I find a problem. It is not something I resent. He has the right to live his life as he wishes when it comes to these things. He has suffered from anxiety all his life and now has PD, which means I am lucky to persuade him to go into the garden!!

I know it can feel frustrating, but the crux of the matter is that I RESPECT him and his take on life; whereas it is coming across as if you think he is rather silly not to see things the same as you do, or being obstructive.

I do think you need to "reframe" this, as the psychologists say. If you treat him and his point of view with respect, there will I am sure be a way to take this forward. It is quite tough on him to basically be saying "This is what I want to do and if you do not want to you are being mean and silly and I am going to badger you till you come to your senses and see my point of view." I do feel a bit sorry for him.

Your description of all the places you have been recently sounds beyond belief to my ears: both in terms of being able to do this and being able to afford it!!!

The psychological technique of reframing is at base an exhortation to count your blessings - of which you have many indeed!

To be blunt I think you need to start thinking about your OH in a respectful manner; and the rest will flow from there. You will be able to discuss these things from a new standpoint.

It sounds as though you retired a tad early, gave up work for your children and now are finding fault with your DH.
It’s a dilemma as your DCs obviously rely on you, but 3 days of 6 Grandchildren might not be stimulating enough for you and now you need plenty of holidays to get away from it all. If you are determined not to separate then holidays apart would be the only other option, as you say DH hasn’t changed but since you retired, you have.

I wonder if your distress isn’t actually about the transition from work to retirement. It’s a new life stage, sometimes it needs careful planning, discussion and a change of approach. You bring very different wants and needs to your marriage, much the same as many others. Often it is less noticeable when life is full of other people and routine. You set time aside for child care, maybe voluntary work would help in the right setting, what about a discussion group, involve yourself in fund raising, there’s so much you could do.

You both do seem to have fairly rigid thinking. Can you focus for a bit on the things you do enjoy together? With your Thames walk why not a sandwich one time and a restaurant the next? Could you travel together, let your husband cycle (wouldn’t be my thing either) while you do what you enjoy in the day and come together in the evening to share your days? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

You both enjoy a cruise, if you can go for a month there are many options from the UK. It seems crazy that to ‘celebrate’ an anniversary you would not work through options together and agree on something you would both enjoy.

I worked with a lovely lady a long while ago who on considering the range of people tensions and ‘problems’ present in our office often said ‘aah but it’s hard to be kind when you would actually love to have that problem’. In some ways you are fortunate to have the choices you have. Please think creatively about this new life stage, with the desire to be together I suspect it could work well for you both. I hope so.

ilovecruz He said he would (under duress) if I really wanted, but that wouldn’t be much fun for either of us

So what’s the problem? Go, take him with you and make it fun.
You’ll have to try hard though. I wouldn’t fancy long-haul to Australia and four internal flights as well.
Perhaps you just have too many holidays?

Why not book a wonderful cruise sailing out of Southampton. No flights needed. There are some amazing trips to be had and hopefully you would both enjoy.

BlueBelle
Unfortunately I started my post and then got into a conversation with OH. By the time I got back to it, Iluvcruz had given us a lot more info about her husband.
I agree that he does have a love for life, just very different from OP. Very sad, but with the best will on both sides these issues can be sorted.

Ilovcruz I had somehow got it into my head that your DH was restricting holiday options to the likes of touring Scotland, but now you say you flew to Dubai last year and have just got back from Tenerife
Sounds OK to me. Hardly the repressed hell some people are advocating separation from.
I am sure you will sort something out but just bear in mind there are many, many others who have neither the funds, the health (or the partner) to share your problem

If you ever feel the urge to volunteer for Relate, Norah - resist!

You could be describing Mr M, Iluvcruz! We too are complete opposites, and sometimes I get a bit miffed with him. But by and large, we manage each other’s differences. (I assume he gets just as frustrated as me!). To be honest, I override him a bit, and just plan the things I really want to do - although I also try to do things he wants to do too, and luckily, he will go along with it. I don’t overthink the situation, and accept the fact that we’re two very different individuals. I’d book the trip and insist that he stops complaining!! ??? Good luck!

Separation seems an over reaction to this. I would not stay because it would upset my family but that is by the by. My husband and I enjoy different hobbies and often do things separately but make a point of sharing some things. You have to talk about this and agree a compromise, perhaps you need to look hard at your life as BlueBelle said and realise you are indeed fortunate and this is not such a big issue.

I have a husband who is not good at all on the social front.

I choose to go away on group holidays of different types. sometimes with my Geology groups. There are plenty of options for single holidaying if you look for them.

Her husband does have a love for life Petra just not the same love as the posters he loves cycling walking going on holiday in England cruising playing with his grandkids
She knew when they married that they were total opposites but loved him enough to accept it, in fact her opening sentence is We have always been opposites
This is about expectation and disapointment and life is full of those I think the cruise round Australia sounds a great comptromise jane10 and should suit both parties otherwise go on your own if you are as gregarious as you say you ll fit in well and meet lots of like minded travellers and then when you get back have a Scottish holiday together.

What a very sad situation. I would definitely go on the trip.
If you don't you will forevermore regret it. You are only 60 and obviously still have a love of life which your husband obviously doesn't have.
Time to have that very difficult conversation as the two of you still have a lot years 'together' going into old age.
I wish you well with that.

You say he enjoys cruising. Why not just book a wonderful 40th anniversary cruise? Cruises are a good compromise :you can be as sociable as you want to be and he can do his own thing. Do a cruise around Oz and NZ? You'll get to see the things you want to see and he can be as comfortable as he wants to be.

I would go.
It’s good to have separate interests and time away from each other occasionally.
Your husband sounds as if he’d be quite content to stay at home, and he may even consider it a little holiday of his own.
You can share your adventures via the internet, and enjoy meeting fellow travellers.

There may not be a way Iluvcruz
You and your husband are complete and utter opposites He is a quiet man who enjoys his own company is shy, socially private, he’s an introvert, you on the other hand are an extrovert through and through you call yourself gregarious, you yearn new countries, new people, new adventures You have spent 45 years trying to meet in the middle and you ve rubbed along up to now but the crack of differences has grown into a huge chasm and with no work and no workmates to boost you up you are lost with a man so far removed from what you want that it is an impossible hurdle to get over.
Have you ever realised how difficult it must be for him every time you want him to be what he’s not

You say you will never break the family up because of your children and grandchildren so if that’s the case you have to lower your expectations at the moment you want it all Happy family, calm life, great companionship and loads of BIG adventures but they don’t all fit in the same jigsaw You are doing two jigsaws at the same time and the pieces just won’t fit

You sound as if you have a VERY blest life with holidays, cruises, and travel at your fingertips I ll swap with you I ve been on my own 20 years and it’s very hard to motivate yourself or have the cash to go somewhere even nearby I d love to have holidays all over the world and an open extrovert personality and a kind man waiting for me each day Count your blessings and enjoy your life even if in a slightly less dramatic way

Norah I have four daughters and six (soon to be seven) grandchildren and we are all exceptionally close so they would care very much, and I would never do anything to hurt them.

I don’t want a separation - I want to find a way that we can both be happy now we have free time and spare cash to enjoy it. It’s finding the how and what that is difficult.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head SueDonim - it is the thought of the flight rather than the trip itself and he is good at sleeping on a plane. We did 10 hours to Dubai last year with Emirates (the carrot was a cruise) and he actually enjoyed the flight (great in-flight service). We have just returned from Tenerife for a quick winter sun break (which he enjoyed) but then he realised that each leg of our trip was going to be four times longer than that flight. Business Class unfortunately would be a no no as another of our differences is our attitude to money and our view as to what constitutes value for money (I dream of being able to turn left on a plane) ?

Well, there you have it Deep down I know we would never separate - it would be too distressing for our family for one thing and what would we gain

No idea why staying in a miserable situation is down to your family or why they would care, but you have a decision to work within.

I probably agree BlueBelle - although we were probably more alike in the early days but I grew in confidence and became a little more gregarious I suppose. He is a good, nice man and fabulous with the grandchildren. And as you say you can’t make someone like the same things but there is my dilemma - do I shrug and say oh well it’s just another country and stay home or do I go on my own (probably wouldn’t join a singles group thing) but have a less enjoyable experience being unable to share it? I don’t think it is just the flight thing either as he was talking about a cycle tour of Vietnam that appealed to him, and that is the same distance as our first stopover. But then I wouldn’t do that out of choice so I suppose we’re quits.
I think the differences have become more noticeable since retirement. He retired a year before me and enjoyed being at home. I worked locally and came home to a prepared lunch together and he would often have dinner ready when I came home. I think he liked being at Home on his own in between doing his own thing. He encouraged me to give up but no longer makes dinner or lunches so that’s all down to me now so I’m back to being a housewife. And as he isn’t much of a talker I miss conversation and company of others (and using my brain other than for brain training). I find myself sitting in front of daytime tv with him (he has mild tinnitus and tells me that’s why tv is on all day).

And whilst in an ideal world I woukd go out and make loads of new friends ask any lonely people and they will tell you it isn’t as easy as that. I have joined a tap dancing group and the ladies are lovely but all in their seventies and eighties. Most people of my age are still working and have their own well established friendship groups.

I fully appreciate that it is me that has the problem. Apart from the fact that he has become a little more reclusive as he has got older, he hasn’t done anything wrong. But I feel empty at the thought of years on of solo activities and, I suppose lonely. Trying to find shared interests has proved difficult. I suggested dancing or languages but he wasn’t interested. He suggested cycling which doesn’t appeal to me. We use our Freedom Pass (we are in London Borough so get free travel) occasionally to go up town and walk along the Thames - but I like to include lunch in a restaurant and he prefers a sandwich from Pret ?
Deep down I know we would never separate - it would be too distressing for our family for one thing and what would we gain?

No, MawBroom, she said "I feel distraught that we have reached this point where we can’t enjoy the same things in our later lives. I have deferred to him in many ways over the years - we rarely entertain or go to fancy restaurants as he doesn’t enjoy it. We have only a few friends as he doesn’t enjoy company - even struggles with Christmas with our four daughters and families. He hogs the remote and we only tend to listen to his choice of classic fm in the car (whereas I would prefer pop). He has reached a point where he feels he shouldn’t do anything he doesn’t want to and won’t make any effort to be enthusiastic even at family events. I would have loved a party for my 60th or our ruby wedding but he would hate it so it would never happen. I hate the thought of never dancing again (he has always disliked dancing saying he has two left feet). So.....do I carry on compromising, go on this trip alone or reevaluate our whole relationship."

I said I think it's time to separate and see if there is any common ground.

*thought not though