Have we reached a crossroad?

Just a thought but you touched on the fact that your DH has tinnitus; I've just had a bout of that and I have to say it was horrible. I had to sleep with background noise and had either the tv or music on throughout the day. It also probably makes it difficult for him to have conversations with people in rooms where there is a lot of noise or at dinner parties etc. Perhaps it's causing him a lot more stress than he tells you? I went to a party recently [very rare for me and I must admit to hating parties although I love meeting and chatting to people when I'm out and about] and I really struggled to hear what people were saying.

Iluvcruz said she is an ex-IT lecturer I think Eglantine21, so presumably she should be using her skills to help others in retirement and not dreaming of far-flung parts of the globe

Although I would think that it would be possible to do both .....

Eazybee, it may be that voluntary work is a good and noble thing to do, if people have the time and inclination. In fact many, many retired people do volunteer and charities would suffer greatly if they all suddenly withdrew their labour. However, your comment came across as facetious, given that the poster was debating whether or not she and her husband had reached a crossroads, given their diverging interests. It sounds from your comment as if you believe her pondering to be unimportant, and that she would be better off volunteering her time than wondering whether or not she should go on (expensive) holidays abroad.

I thought easy bee had posted on the wrong thread.

I still don't get it.......

maddyone.
It was a practical suggestion, having just returned from a meeting at the library where I volunteer, about the need for more volunteers to help local libraries, some of which are community managed, who are now expected to help people access services online when they have no computers of their own, and no IT skills.

Apologies if I came across unkind or unhelpful, not at all meant that way. Just trying to say that once you get him going you’ll probably find he’ll enjoy it. Mine is like that. I just pack and drag ?However, as some have said, you will know your hubby best. Hope you sort something that works for you both x

Hi. I hate to say it but we have less life in front of us than behind us. At sixty you shouldn't have to plod your way to the grave if you still feel lively and active. You have retired and you now have to live as you see fit, in ways you feel comfortable with. Just because you are married does not mean you are joined at the hip. Have a chat with him. No animosity, but tell him you need to live NOW. Life is short. Enjoy it while you can. Don't drag a reluctant partner along with you but do decide you may have to do things alone, or with friends if you want to be fulfilled. It's a shame you aren't compatible socially but you do have choices. Find groups you can travel with and in between find days out and trips you and husband can enjoy together. I am of the opinion that no man will hold me back. My partner knows this, but we are all different and relationships ARE about give and take. Talk. Don't give up on your dreams though.

I was in your position a couple of weeks ago. Had booked a holiday to Mexico for when we turn 60, we share the same birthday and are the same age. Gave my husband the info as part of his Christmas present. Told me 2 weeks ago he didn't want to go so I've changed the destination and am going to Greece with two friends.

Iluvcruz, yes, some posters have been unnecessarily unkind. I understand what you are saying, and so do many of the other posters. There was absolutely no need for anyone to be as high handed as some posters have been. But there’s also been some good advice on here. Generally the good advice has focused on travel whilst you can because you never know what’s around the corner. Therefore I would say, go, follow your dreams, and take Mr Iluvcruz with you.

I’m sorry but I think that’s very rude eazybee.

I would suggest you use your IT skills and volunteer at your local library to help people access things on computer such as Universal Credit and Care Allowance. There is a real need for this sort of knowledge and assistance.

Iluvcruz as Luckylegs says you are indeed a lucky lady. Maw is also spot on when she says don't leave it. We thought we would have loads of years to travel and although we have done a good deal we had hoped for more which may yet happen God willing if the healing we are waiting for takes place. If it doesn't happen we have made many memories already as have you. My DH always leaves all the travel arrangements to me grumps a fair bit here and there and clearly thoroughly enjoyed himself every time. Only you know your DH really well enough to know if you can pack and drag him wherever you want to go but don't push it too far by cramming every minute with travel. We spent our coral wedding anniversary on a cruise on the Great Barrier Reef as part of a round the world trip which was a restful mid point and each time we go we explore a different part of Oz as it is just too vast to do it in a oner. Once we spent six weeks touring New Zealand and that was sheer delight in the middle of a world trip.
It certainly is not about the money or simply envy either it was a reply to what you inferred in your OP by talking of a crossroads! If you think you can then just go for it but if it doesn't work out then do the Pollyanna bit!

I am in similar circumstances to MawBroon and endorse all she has said. Thankfully my OH is still with me, but can only be gently persuaded to go into the garden as his PD and paralysing anxiety make it very hard for him - as for Australia - dream on!

Our lives were turned around by his ill health which curbed his professional career very early, and thus his pension.

My DDs are trying to plan a trip to Switzerland for him before it is too late and with them all around to deal with transport etc. And we are supposed to be going with them to Dorset in April; and Pembrokeshire in May! Looking at him as he is just now, it all seems like complete madness to even think of it - but they are determined to try and make these trips happen. I am just taking each day as it comes and we will see. I have had wonderful support from Gransnetters in every way possible and am grateful for that.

And I am thankful for my loving family, who are by our side throughout all the ups and downs.

Iluvcruz - you are a very lucky lady indeed.

I am broadly in the same situation as you iluvcruz. I dragged my husband unwillingly to Australia in December and once there, he did a complete turnabout. We did limit our travels though, choosing three cities to concentrate on (Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane) and doing some driving between them and one internal flight. Even then it felt as though we had crammed a lot in. It was a totally wonderful trip, I am so glad we went.

On the 'travel while you can' front, it's so frustrating having a partner who is becoming more stay at home by the day. My OH comes from a relatively long lived family so won't entertain notions of poor health appearing on the scene but I see him changing and getting older and I wonder. He always says he's happy to see me travel but then says he wants to do it too, conversations about it are tortuous. I completely see your dilemma, it's a shame some posters get a bit personal, we all live our lives differently from beginning to end and none of us knows the exact circumstances of others.

Yes grab life... you never know what lies in front of you and best if we don't know anyway. All the people who look forward to spending time together when they retire and then circumstances change through ill health. I just wish we had had credit cards when I was younger - my feet would hardly have touched the ground! I do understand your husband not wanting to travel much now as I have one who thinks the same. I am just glad we had so many lovely holidays. Yes you are very fortunate but I think you just posted to get a few opinions and you certainly did

Money spent on travel is never wasted Iluvcruz!
Travels broadens the mind.
Just tell him to pack his case because he’s going
Or pack it for him as a fait accompli!

MawBroon I agree whole-heartedly.

Just tell him to pack his case because he’s going! Once he gets here he will really enjoy it. Loads of things Blair both of you to do an enjoy and not necessarily together. Time to consider yourself and it’s not selfish to do so either. Have fun!

If I may give one unasked for piece of advice -don’t ever put off travelling. We last went anywhere exciting when we went to St Petersburg before Paws perforated bowel and subsequent diagnosis of Lymphoma meant giving up work.
Many of my friends have had a similar experience of expecting to be able to travel and enjoy trips to wherever once they both retired only for one partner to be diagnosed with cancer or suffer a heart attack or stroke and even if lucky enough to recover sufficiently found travel insurance prohibitive.

I stand chastised MawBroon and am sorry for your circumstances. However my comments were aimed at those who were inferring that I was wasting money on travel or that I was leading a privaliged life (yes indeed in terms that fortunately up to now we haven’t been faced with any real adversity) but not in terms of wealth. I apologise to those who I may have unwittingly offended where it was unwarranted but a minority were taking a very high handed stance in an insulting manner.

I am sorry you suspect posters of dog in the manger attitudes or plain envy.
You have of course every right to spend your money as you see fit, but please, please don’t think you have had a monopoly on hard work, clean living, thrift, paying for your children’s education, or any of the other virtues you enumerate.
You omit LUCK, the luck of good health.
I think we could have matched your many virtues, but for one tiny detail. My DH was “careless “enough to suffer from a combination of life threatening disease and health issues (none of them lifestyle related) which resulted in him having to give up work well in advance of being able to draw his pension, no sick pay for his IT consultancy work and for the last 8 years of his life before his premature death last November was unable to travel either abroad at first, or indeed anywhere latterly.
So as has been pointed out, you are indeed fortunate to have the funds, the health and the partner to plan big holidays.
Oh and the good luck not to have any or all of that snatched away from you.
There are all sorts of crossroads in a marriage, I have no regrets that our paths never diverged, but dearly wish we had been granted a longer road.

Thank you all for your varied advice and (strong) opinions. I certainly opened a can of worms with that post. As an ex-IT Lecturer I should have been more prepared to be “trolled” on social media. Whilst I appreciate most of your various viewpoints, giving me food for thought, there does seem to be a bit of envy and “dog in the manger” attitude from some. So let me address some of your misconceptions first. I object to being told that our lifestyle is “a waste of money”! What would Easybee rather have me spend our money on? And it is less about privilege and rather being sensible and planning effectively for our retirement. Neither of us smoke, drink regularly or gamble. We are indeed debt-free but not as s result of a silver spoon or high-paid jobs (I suppose we are middle income as I worked in education and my husband in telecommunications), but as a result of effective budgeting and money management. We put our 4 daughters through university paying fees and accommodation so they could also be debt free - I did this by working extra hours, not being wasteful and saving every penny of my salary. We gave the girls wonderful experiences with cheap and cheerful foreign holidays and one actually had a career on a cruise ship. My “hobby” is travel (I even took an ABTA course and often plan my friends trips). My dh also enjoys these trips when he is in the mood. And I DO have every respect for him hence I have never rebelled and generally always capitulate to suit him. However this is a trip we had both planned for several years and it was only last minute he got cold feet. I suppose it is my current crushing disappointment that is making me resentful and causing me to reflect on all the negatives. Through choice we have rarely been apart so it would be a big decision to go it alone for this trip (although I am confident enough to do so). I do think I perhaps retired too early (I was 58) so maybe I’ll look to go back part time on the days I don’t have the children - maybe become an overseas travel rep. So I suppose the crossroads is more about going back to work or getting new interests. Still no decision on whether or not I get to see Oz. But thanks one and all for your contributions

Reading the whole post it seems that you have always been dissatisfied with your life.
Yearning for parties and dancing.

You married a man who did not fit your requirements but seems to have been a good husband.

My Grandmother was very wistful in later years and thought a lot of her days as a young women out at the dance hall. My Grandfather never danced or was one for holidays and she sometimes mentioned other suitors that she might have married. (not in front of him and only seldom).

Have you never accepted your compromise that was made with your marriage vows.
Is time running out and you want the life and outgoing, party loving, dancing husband that would have fitted you perfectly.

I am afraid you cannot turn back time. You have had and still have a good life, you still have much to come, God willing.
It is your anniversary so think back to when you met and married. Stop focusing on holidays and think over the happy, steady, secure, times in your marriage.

My husband has itchy feet, whilst I hate flying, and am only prepared to fly short haul.Go on your own, your a sociable outgoing person, you'll get along just fine meeting lots of new people on the way.There's nothing worse than taking someone along under duress, it would spoil it for you, and you could resent him.We once went on holiday with friends, they hated the resort we loved it, never again, it spoilt it for all of us.Have you thought about flying to America, then a cruise to Australia, that can be done in a month.Hope you manage a compromise.

It's a bit like here eazybee but it wasn't retired couples, it was an exodus of the youngsters. But then, of course, the 'retired couples or singles' were going out to visit the young people who stayed.

Yes, Jalima, but I only live in a small place.
It's getting quite quiet here.