Support for all who are living with estrangement (2)

I have just joined this site because I have needed someone to share and talk to. 5 years ago, when we retired , we moved 200 miles to be near my 2nd daughter and her partner and her four children, due to the fact that her relationship was very unpredictable and she had moved out and she was rehoused. She stayed a year in that property and then returned to her partner and things were back on even keel. We didn`t know anyone when we moved here and still don,t apart from direct neighbours. We saw my daughter at least twice a week, having them for Sunday dinner and us going to them, going out for day trips and so on. Then it went pear shaped last October. My daughter , partner and four children all came round and my other daughter and her children plus my son and his children, plus partners all came up for my husbands birthday and we were having an indian meal , The meal arrived and we were all setting it out but my 10 year old grandson was having burger and chips cooked by his Mum (the local one ) as we were busy round the table , he came out the kitchen with his plate and needed to sit so I just said for him to sit in the easy chair next to the table. His Mum didn`t like it athough she didn`t say anything to me but moaned to her sister in the other room. Moving on , the weeks leading to Christmas were strange whenever I saw her but I didnt know why. I asked my older daughter if she knew why her sister was being so cool towards me , what had I done. she said that it was the chair incident and felt I was out of order as was 10 not 2. I couldn`t beleive it 1 I rang her and asked if she wanted to sort things out and she said no, cpuldn`t be bothered. I was very upset, I have always been there for my family, especially the grandchildren. anyway, she didn`t want to see us at Christmas, I sent messages to her that I still wanted everyone to have the sacks of presents that I had here but she sent back saying that she didn`t want them to have the presents as they didnt see us. I phoned her in January as I had had nasty texts and a letter from her 24 year old daughter, I said that there was no malice or intention to hurt her or a son over the chair incident but she wasnt bending. After the phone call she sent me a text that I had lost her and for me to have a nice life. With that she then blocked me on facebook and removed me from her friends list and so did her children. I didnt get Christmas cards from her or the grandchildren , no Mothers day card or birthday cards. It hurts me I have sent birthday cards to my grand daugher and also to her but nothing. I am not able to go out unless my husband takes me as I have to use a wheelchair so most of my days are just spent in our house, not seeing anyone to talk to and I get so depressed and upset abut it all. I would never hurt my family and the grandchildren have always been my world We have supported all the children , emotionally and financially, I dont like conflict and hate arguments but it seems that they dont care about my feelings. Sorry to rant on but I dont have anyone to discuss this with. Any suggestions how to end this fued ?

I agree with getting some counseling to decide what is best for you Jammy. You saw what was wrong and didn’t let it define you as a mom.
But I sense you not resting until you confront her to find out the whys of your mom did and I would feel the same way. Do what YOU have to do for your mental well being. She had a choice but as a child you didn’t. You just had to live with the consequences of her decisions. Abuse and neglect are never okay. Sending support to you.

Jammy......

Thanks everyone. The trouble is, I still have some residual 'dear mommie' left in me. She will die some day. Will I truly be content & able to live with myself if I don't agree to see her again. We all carry this need to be 'seen' and loved unconditionally by our mums & we fantasise that she'll make that happen. I was very angry about it this morning, I've calmed a bit since. She's never had to answer for what happened, nor had any punishment herself, nor will she ever. She denied me myself in not wanting me from birth, is there any greater crime?

Jammy, the thing that I find most uplifting about your post is, having dealt with the horrors of your life in the deepest possible way, you have emerged as a woman empowered to now make choices......particularly where your own children are concerned. You are now in a position of strength against those who sought to destroy you, whilst being fully aware of the triggers that could send you back there.

Now with that empowerment comes a decision that only you can - and should - make. No one should make it for you sweetie. Your post shows a brave, strong and determined woman. You have no responsibility to those who attempted to destroy you, regardless of how their own lives are now. You will have to accept the residual, but unfounded guilt, often felt by survivors and not allow it to set you back.

It’s so lovely to hear you describe the things you have and do with your own children. You will never ever risk anyone harming them, the way you have been. Maybe that’s your answer. You are an amazing woman, be proud of yourself and continue to be strong enough to make the best choices for you and your family. I wish you well.

Yes Jammy I remember you, your tragic story is not one that can be forgotten.

I can only echo what's already been said here. Professional help is certainly something you should consider. This is an enormous decision for you to take and what ever you decide, please be kind to yourself and never forget the amount of courage and empathy you must have to even consider reconnecting with your mother.

It may be prudent to wait until the court case has been dealt with. You say she will be a witness and I wonder if her demeanor, her over all attitude and any response to you will be a good indicator as to her genuine intent on wanting to see you.

Madgran is right. This must be about "your long term emotional needs" and not about her. She can never undo the harm that's been done, she can never make up for abandoning her children to an abusive father. What she can do is sincerely repent and ask for your forgiveness, not for her sake but for yours.

You are an amazing woman Jammy and I hope you'll be able to let us know how this goesand a BIG (((hug))).

Making contact with her ...the decision rests ONLY on what will meet your long term emotional needs and NOT on whatever her needs may be. I think you need some professional help to make the right decision for YOU ..and only you. The capitals ate not meant to be shouting, just emphasis as I can't get bold to work

Jammytoast, what a truly dreadful childhood you had. What is sad is that you feel the need to reconnect with your mother, she gave birth to you, yes but then abandoned you, your family and you are what is important, what could be gained by reconnecting with the one person that let you down. I think maybe you need more help in accepting things, yes is a shame she has had cancer, but she survived, if she doesn't last five years, it won't be your fault one bit, let that feeling go straight from your mind. Don't guilt trip yourself. She was the grown up, you should have come first. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother, it is the raising of that child in security and most of all love that matters. I worked with so many mixed up children whose lives were blighted by selfish and neglectful parents, well done you for not continuing that cycle, you should be so proud of yourself. I feel for you going to court, but do it, be honest and proud, let justice be done, then come out to that safe family you have created and go forward in peace.

Jammy I completely agree with the PP's opinion. I think it would be helpful for you to forgive your mother but that does not mean you have to reconcile with her.

The reality is that it's very difficult for someone with such major issues to completely "change". If you do decide that you'd like her back in your life, I would strongly advise that your children not have a relationship with her until such time as you're sure they would be safe around her.

Hello jammy. I remember you.
I think very few people on Gransnet could even begin to imagine what you have been through in your life.
You say you have had therapy, but I think now you need professional advice to help you make this decision.
It’s your well-being that matters now, and that of your DC. I think your mother’s illness is irrelevant - all it is doing is bringing your issues into sharp focus because of the limited time you have available to resolve things. Whether the peace of mind that should be yours by right is best achieved by attempting a reconciliation with your mother, is not really for anyone else to attempt to answer.
I think you need help to explore what your feelings would be if in some way your mother continues to disappoint you, and how the court proceedings and outcome will affect you too.

Hi all, I've been on here before. Some of you may remember me. For those new to me, I'm the daughter who cut off my dm. I'm considering re-contacting her if she gets therapy. Here's my story. Please tell me what you think?

My dm abandoned me & my brother when he was 4 & I was 8. My parents divorced and my df got custody. He was violent, neglectful and sexually abused me - for years, I'm in the process of taking him to court - decades later. I didn't have much contact with her after she left. I managed to escape mid-teens & was fostered. At the end of fostering there was no follow-on care offered and I went to stay with my dm because I had no other option. She kind of made me beg which was humiliating. We actually got on ok at this time as we'd both grown a little. I never held it against her that she left because I knew she'd had her reasons (which I've never learnt). But over the years she continued to ridicule & humiliate me in a low-to-medium level way. She denied my experience. When I was happy at work, she'd say 'It's not like that in the real world - but it was my real world. I never felt valued. When I went to live with her, I didn't have a 'nice' bedroom of my own, I just had her spare. It was like no one really cared. I'm still surprised she never noticed how emaciated I was as a child when she had access visits.

She behaved appallingly when I got married and I couldn't fathom what was wrong? When I had my own kids, she looked at me in awe and said 'You're SO nurturing' and I remember thinking 'this is what you're supposed to be like', though I didn't say it. I remember in my 30s she offered me £300 one day and I nearly choked. I was like wtf? Where was that money when I had no coat to wear to school and I froze in the middle of a snowy winter.

In the end I cut her off because I'd bunked 14 xmas's in a row with her and had truly run out of excuses. I wanted my dc to have a wild xmas day with chocolate for breakfast, the cartoons on, paper all over the floor & high excitement. I just couldn't bear to go to hers with the golf masters on tv, no presents till after 5pm & kids having to be quiet. I hated the cold, clinical atmosphere.

Since we've been NC I've received my whole medical records - what a revelation. They detail now I got constant vaginal infections as a toddler & abuse was queried but denied. We had a family psychiatric assessment when I was 4 because she wanted me 'sorting out'. In it she's described as 'cyclomythic' and she's quoted as saying 'I have nothing but coldness in my heart for that child'. It details how my primary attachment figure is my father. How I try to sooth my dm's tears - at 4! How she attempted suicide.

In the time I've been NC she's written 4 times. She wants me back in her life. I believe she'd now do anything I asked, including therapy. She's had two episodes of cancer, the last very serious. She didn't expect to survive. I believe this is true. I think if I stay NC the internal pain/shame/cancer will probably kill her within the next 5yrs. So I have a choice. Can we ever truly let go of our mothers? Do I tell her that if she agrees to therapy there is the possibility of a new different relationship? I've had bucket loads of my own therapy but there's still some kind of pull. I guess I'm thinking about my court case because she's a witness and I'll see her there. But she was just as much to blame really because she abandoned me to him.

I want to make a final decision once and for all and then get on with my life. This business has killed me, I'm NC with my entire family. What do you think I should do?

The wedding was wonderful, Harry and Meghan were lovely, dress gorgeous, flowers very pretty and the music sublime...

The wedding was beautiful. So much love, and Windsor Castle was the perfect setting. Couldn’t help remembering the confused little boy, walking behind his mother’s coffin, all those years ago, and glad he has found happiness.

I believe Princess Margaret could have married Peter Townsend but she would have had to renounce her title and give up all her “worldly goods and chattels”. She obviously wasn’t having that!

Another glorious day. Sun lounger here I come!! Enjoy the lovely weather everyone.

Not just Princess Margaret Rhinestone, Prince Andrew wasn't allowed to marry Koo Stark because she wasn't considered 'suitable'. Quite ironic when you consider who he did marry.

I'm glad that you didn't cry when you saw the photo's; we're all making progress aren't we.

As a “ Yank” I can honestly say watching the wedding made me happy even though there was another school shooting.
But how sad in a way that the Queens sister couldn’t marry who she lived because of some made up rules by a man. I did have a laugh watching Elizabeth picking her jaw up off the floor while the sermon was going on.

Saw some pics of our EGC celebrating with the other gran on Mother’s Day.I didn’t cry and it didn’t make me any more angry than I all ready am. So more progress.

Hi Luckylegs Yogagirl has decided to take a break for a while but hopefully she'll be back with us sometime in the future.

Good to see you've posted.

Luckylegs9 good to see you, have inboxed you...

What has happened to Celebregran, she Smileless and Yogagirl, plus others were such a help to me years ago when I was in a very bad state. Know Yogagirl had lots of other issues, hope she is ok, Celebregran had been suffering very bad health and had a serious operation. Because I don't come on here that often now, I just realised how long it's been since they have posted.

No Northernsoul, just a couple of pairs of flip flops

Absolutely true, Smileless.

Er..have you bought any more spectacular shoes?

X

I thought he was brilliant; a first for Windsor some of the congregation looked a little taken aback.

As you say NorthernSoul no one can take away our love for our EC and only they can take away our pain.

Well said NorthernSoul...

The wedding of Harry and Meghan was beautiful on many counts...the bride and groom,the bridesmaids and page boys, flowers,music,the setting and the wonderful weather.
But for me was bishop Curry’s address of the power of love (even if he went on a little for some) for that is what hurts us so, yet cannot be denied,we have loved our children and no one can take that away.

Smileless it’s lovely to see people so happy, and clearly in love..

Her dress was gorgeous...