Support for all who are living with estrangement (2)

I received a pm the other day from a poster who no longer wants to come on to this thread because she fears being castigated for being CO by her AC.

We have exchanged email addresses and I hope that she'll keep in touch. As an individual I can only give her a fraction of the support she would receive from all the estranged posters here. I've suggested she keep popping on for a read and hopefully at some point will feel comfortable enough to post again.

I'm sorry to say that this is not the poster to whom you referred IrishRose; as far as I'm aware no ones heard from her since her one and only post.

agnurse you have been told in no uncertain terms that your determination to continue giving unwanted advice is causing stress. Yet you still persist. You demeaned a very distressed poster, someone in so much pain that she was considering suicide, to such an extent that she has not returned. YOU TOOK AWAY HER RIGHT TO SUPPORT AND HELP. Other posters have admitted to holding back because of your unbelievably arrogant and patronising dismissal of their pain.

I suggest that as many posters as possible report this torrent of interference on a thread designed purely for support. The other thing that occurred to me is that the utter determination to provoke and refusal to listen to reason, means that this is some form of research/writing. Whatever the reason, this poster needs to be stopped.

If you need to vent Dontaskme please don't be put off because of some of the posts we're getting at the moment.

You know you'll be understood and supported by those who share your terrible predicament. I'm sorry that you've had a bad weekend and even sorrier that you feel unable to share it with us here

Dontaskme well said. I am saddened that you and others don’t feel this thread is supportive now.

I am also mystified as to why on a Gransnet Estranged Grandparents Support thread, long explanations about when it is or isn’t time to CO relatives.

Some grans are made very vulnerable by estrangement, this was a good place to come to formerly.

Smileless

After a particularly bad weekend I thought I'd come on and have a rant about ex partners deliberately alienating children from the paternal side of the family, including the Father.

However after seeing that certain know-nothing people are STILL spouting their crap I can't be bothered as I know I won't get any positive replies to help brighten my day, just more of the ignorant know-nothings bshit. I cant believe the audacity of some people - they've been told to basically f off but STILL are coming on here and posting!

GNHQ please take note. This is not fair and it certainly isn't right. I did message to ask you to have a word and you completely ignored me. I suggest you do something.

Yes, janeainsworth They’re quotes from the Little Red Book!

It would appear that this support thread and all those that came before it attract minorities, as we are the few whose GC are being used a pawns, and all gather here.

agnurse it is not usually suggested to go completely NC as a first option ........ It may be recommended to take a short period of time away from the relationship simply to give people a chance for the emotions to cool so they can re-evaluate. Unfortunately what sometimes happens is that the time away is not respected. This gives the impression that the person isn't willing to show respect and can lead to permanent NC.
I wonder why your language reminds me of the Cultural Revolution in China in the 60’s?

agnurse, I suggest you leave this thread, you are not offering support to grieving grandparents, merely compounding their pain, with your supposedly academic understanding of ‘going no contact’ . Frankly I have had enough of your condescending attitude, you do not know anything about estrangement, you are neither estranged nor a grandparent. Please leave the thread.

Give me strength!

Namsnanny

IME it is not usually suggested to go completely NC as a first option (outside of abuse or substance use issues). It may be recommended to take a short period of time away from the relationship simply to give people a chance for the emotions to cool so they can re-evaluate. Unfortunately what sometimes happens is that the time away is not respected. This gives the impression that the person isn't willing to show respect and can lead to permanent NC.

In most cases I don't think the grandchildren are being used as pawns. Rather I think it's a case of the parents don't want the children to go around and be told negative things about the parents, and they also don't want to be seen to "reward" bad behaviour. (Ex. some grans seem to want a "do-over baby", so to give the gran unrestricted access would just be giving her exactly what she wants.) Sometimes it might not even be safe to send the grandchildren over.

I do think there are, sadly, some situations where the children are used as pawns. My experience, though, has been that these are in the minority.

What a fabulous post Namsnanny. You said you "would have liked to share, but having read some of the more negative posters, I feel to intimidated to actually come out with a warts and all post".

This is what makes me sooowhen goodness knows why, some come on to this support thread to give over the top examples of outrageous behaviour from P's and GP's to explain why they've been cut out. Why some come on and accuse us of living in a bubble and only wanting to express our pain and sorrow in our own echo chamber.

For those who've done so in the past and will sadly do so in the future I hope you'll have read Namsanny's post and her words that I have quoted in mine.

Take a moment and ask yourselves is your desire to post on a support thread for those living with estrangement, when if you're not estranged you have no experience of, really worth putting off just one estranged person seeking comfort and support?

You're so welcome Namsnanny. Thank you for your contribution. I hope that you'll post here again and that one day you'll have the confidence to share your story, warts and all.

Agree with you,Namsnanny.
Thank you for your post.
Xx

Well said Namsnanny xx

Ive been reading and re-reading the threads about estranged and non estranged p's and Gp's with interest, but also with great trepidation.

I have a difficult relationship with one of my children, and would have liked to share, but having read some of the more negative posters I feel too intimidated to actually come out with a warts and all post!

But I wanted to add that those who think that EP's & EGP's don't examine themselves and their past behaviour are mistaken.
Every one is as different as their DNA.

One of the most cutting and hurtful things about an estranged relationship is the continual to-ing and fro-ing of thoughts of when where and why did this happen?
Self examination is the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night.
Ofcourse there are times when I get angry and think how can they be so....callous, how could they be so blind and find it so easy to misjudge us. Don't they know from all the years of them giving us rule after rule, and then when we complied with everything they wanted, we find its not enough and the rules are changed again!!??? Don't they see that we would only do all of this because we love(ed?) them?
Would I allow myself to be bullied in this way by a stranger? No I would do all I could to disengage.

We didnt believe for one minute we were a perfect family, and that when the kids had grown we'd all be starring in our own re run of the Waltons, but we (DH and I) hoped all the kids would get the message that when all else fails someone who knows you of old is still hanging in there for you.
My b's and s's, my bil and sil, all struggled with different problems, divorce, debt, unemployment, death etc. We fell out, and made up. Just as I'm sure lots of people here did. That's what life is, isn't it? Learning to negotiate the ups and downs. Growing broader in emotional integrity. Mellowing realising everyone isn't perfect. In a word maturing.

The one thing I never envisaged was one of my own, exploding the nuclear bomb of NC in my own imperfect little family.
Of actively working to destroy what we had tried to build.
I use the word destroy seriously, and not emotionally, because the hurtful way things have been said and done are destructive.

Anyone is entitled to go it alone, if that's what they really want, but surely there is no need to sack and burn the family they came from to enable them to build a family of their own?
If I'm happy with my lot, I'm too engrossed in my life to bother to try to hurt others, isn't that the way with most people who haven't an agenda?

And that's where I have a niggle.

Othello had Iago and we have Facebook!
I think there is a danger of internet groups re-framing AC
family difficulties under one umbrella, and hardening the resolve to go NC, simply because taking control is encourage as a solution in of itself.

Its all well and good to compare NC with the past, but the difference here is.....

A) People left home then mainly for work or
conscription so...

B) Parents expectations of seeing C and GC
were lower

B) Most GP and P were in the same boat,
no chastising or blaming, just parents
without AC or GC close by.

In our case hopes for the future hang on, but only by a thread.

Thanks for the space to write and best wishes to all of you!

Will do Rhinestone I'll have to get Mr. S. onto it; a 'she' by the way

IMO we can read the posts from the invaders but just not respond. That’s pretty tricky though isn’t it?
Smileless I envy you having a pup as our last dog passed away five years ago and this is the longest I have been without one. But DH is not ready yet to get another. Please post a picture when you can of her? Him?

Well you're more than welcome to come and do a spot of training with the pup if you like Dontaskme then I might get a few restful hours, if not days on the sofa like Sparkly.

I agree Luckylegs9 with your suggestion that its best not to read negative posts that go against the Support theme.

Smileless I hope the puppy training goes well, they are so bouncy and eager to learn at that age...

Wishing all of us estranged grans a peaceful weekend with nice things in it...

Overdone it on the energy side this week, TGIF and looking forward to a restful few days on the sofa...

Smileles2012 you are so lucky! I'd love a puppy, one to train from the get go, that doesn't pick up bad habits and could walk and run off the lead. We have 4 rescued dogs already that are all complete sods so no way could I have a pup - it would just turn out like the rest of them! They're all safe and happy though and that's all that matters.

I did have a puppy once many years ago and he was brilliant. Came everywhere with me. Neighbours bought him from a pet shop and had him for about a month then moved. Asked me to look after him while they were going to and fro, they went fro and never retuned. Had him for 17 years. I do remember all the hard work with him as a baby though, so don't envy you that!
House training is like potty training - different for each but sounds like you're doing well

TGIF everyone. Overcast and chilly here this morning but should see somelater.

Puppy and I have our first training session this morning. Well it'll be me whose being trained wont it, then I'll have to train Mr. S.and hopefully we'll have a reasonably well trained little dog.

I need to clear my mind and take on board everything he recommends. Slight problem there is the use of training pads. I took it up when he said they're not a good idea but gave in because it's preferable having her wee on the pad rather than the floor, especially if you step in it which I did yesterday.

I suppose it's about 50/50 for number 1's 99% for number 2's. Still, we've only had her 2.5 weeks, just wish he hadn't told me he has a puppy the same age and had her house trained in 6 days.

Guaranteed to make one feel inadequate.

I do wonder if someone is coming on under different names,with the sole intention of breaking up this thread. I font know if this is possible, but something is going on. These peoples varying accounts of their life experiences are contradictory and don't add up. I am as guilty as anyone in replying when they first start posting, but the only way to stop it is not to rise to the bait and reply, just don't read them, skip them by, so they will just be responding to themselves.

Fairydoll2030 my advice is to simply ignore her and any others of the same ilk. No reaction and she'll soon get bored - she's boring the s**t out of me!

I don't think it unreasonable to ask HQ to have a word about this completely hijacked thread tbh. They must realise that genuine gn members will simply leave if this kind of thing carries on.

Such a shame this has completely gone to pot thanks to the ignorant, self-important and ill informed rantings of someone who doesn't have a flipping clue

I just don’t think she gets it....

What does it take ?

Smileless & Rhinestone

Sadly, some of those students DON'T learn how to cope with the real world. At the college where I teach, we had an incident (before my time) where a student brought her PARENTS to an academic hearing. Now, I'm all for a student having support, but they are more than welcome to bring a counsellor with them. I find bringing your parents a bit much.

I have also had students email me begging me to not to fail them.