Support for all who are living with estrangement (2)

Hello everyone. I feel a bit like that Smileless but perhaps there is a teeny bit of self protection in my thinking reconciliation won't happen or would be impossible. To live with active hope would be to not be able to maybe function and get on with life?
Dolcelatte welcome. Your point about communication is apt. It could be that our estAC found info about CO parents more easily, and so some felt it gave them permission to treat us badly?

The other way communication has maybe worked for us estranged Grans is we have found support, found out it's not as abnormal as we
had thought previously.

I am just glad to feel normal, even if its horrible and unsolvable!

Hello Dolcelatte and welcome. The damage done to the self esteem of parents who become estranged is huge. As is the fear that if one AC has cut you out, the other(s) may do so too.

I feared we'd lose our DS because of the pressure that was initially applied and thank God that our always good relationship with him is even better. You say that your relationship with your D has been eroding since she met her partner 4 years ago. It must be very stressful living with the fear that she may cease contact all together, but while there's even the tiniest amount of contact, there's still hope.

We are all on here, living with the fear of estrangement or estrangement itself so can understand what you're going through and are here to offer our support. Like you, we have a strong marriage and this terrible nightmare that live with has strengthened it even more.

It is as you say ironic, that with the means of communication never having been easier, so many families find themselves broken.

I've often wondered about that with our ES Yoga the belief that they can perhaps walk back into our lives as easily as they walked away.

But we're not the people we were before he left and neither is he; he's become a stranger to us. Done and said things we'd never have thought possible; things that can never be undone and unsaid.

Welcome Dolcelatte your last sentence is an interesting view point.

Well said Rhinestone post: 17.32. Hope you're feeling a bit more upbeat today, we can't stop worrying about our GC, they are so precious, so to 'see' them with others, that don't love them as we do, is hard!

I think Smileless that those that had to strive for the love of their parents, stay with them, still trying to get that love and would never cut them out, whereas with our children, that were loved, adored and brought up decently, so love on a plate, so to speak, that can be thrown away! as maybe they think it can easily be got back again! Now you're

Hello everybody. Can I join you? I am not totally estranged from DD1 but the relationship has been more and more eroded since she met her DP, 4 years ago, whilst at uni. I have a separate thread running, which some of you have been kind enough to post on.

I can really relate to the feelings of shame, lack of confidence and loss of self, which I worry could impact on my other relationships. I am lucky to have a strong marriage and a particularly close relationship with DD2, but I worry about how fragile everything is. I suppose the lesson is to be grateful for what you have and to live in the moment.

Interestingly, I was at lunch yesterday with three close friends, all of whom have an estranged family member although, in their cases, siblings. I also met an old friend for lunch last week and he said that he and his sister had a period of NC for 7 years, although he could not remember what it was about. His lovely niece eventually stepped in and orchestrated a reunion.

It is ironic that at a time when communication is ever easier, communication has reduced, especially within families - not all, of course, but I suspect that it is a lot more common than most people think.

It's veryisn't it Rhinestone. AC who it could be argued, have good reason for estranging themselves from their parent(s) but don't, and AC who do so for no discernable reason.

Hope you enjoyed your lunch.

I’m glad too Luckylegsthat you have found your peace. I am not there yet. I had lunch ( four hours) with a dear friend who told me that her mother and two sisters were put in foster care when they were little until twelve years of age. The family kept the son at home. Her mom and her little sister were together and suffered abuse by one of the foster care families. They lived in a basement behind a curtain.
When they were allowed to go back home the three girls were told by their father that their mother had “ woman problems” and couldn’t care for them. My friend said her mother never ever resented her mother for putting them in foster care and never estranged herself from her parents. Our children have estranged themselves for far less reasons I’m afraid.

Another beautiful day. We had our first BBQ last night and of course our 'girls' were invited. We had a great evening and as they were leaving they said 'we're not doing anything Saturday and Sunday', with cheekyon their faces so looks like Mr. S. will be having a busy weekend with the BBQ.

"What is awful IMO is that they don't communicate with that family when they take that path" exactly Rhinestone. You have to experience the silence that's quite literally deafening.

Luckylegs it's good to know you've found happiness. Don't regret not accepting your estrangement earlier, just enjoy the life you've discovered now you have.

True Rhinestone, I couldn't do it. But once they have made the point of saying they don't want anything to do with you, that you have tried to find out why and they continuously blank you, I think you have to accept that is how it is, no amount of badgering them will work, they just see it as not respecting their opinions and boundaries. If you suspect mental illness or them bring controlled, again nothing you can do. It took me years to accept, I am now happy with my life, wish I taken the decision earlier. Life is too short to keep beating yourself up for things that cannot be altered. It helps if your conscience is clear, that you did your best.

Luckylegs9We share different opinions. Your statement that our children are not awful people if they take different paths is true. What Is awful IMO is that they don’t communicate with that family as they take that path. There is no excuse in today’s world to not pick up the phone and talk to your parents even if it’s a minute conversation. And what is wrong with a sense of duty. They have a sense of duty at work, to their partners, to their children. So why not to their parents?,’

If your son or daughter is happy in your company, they don't estrange for no reason. Some might be being controlled and if they are hopefully they will seek you out. You can't force them to recognise it though. Some just leave their parents behind as their lives take a different path, sad but true in my case, but it doesn't make them awful people. Think a lot of people used to see families out of a sense of duty, that doesn't seem to apply for a lot of young people now. There comes a time when you just have to make a different life and not dwell all the time of what was and can't be again.

Oh Rhinestone I was really upset to read your post. You're clearly very distressed by all that's happening and I really don't know what to say.

I think you need to be led by your DD with the children staying over with their father and his GF. Does she share your concerns? I understand but knowing that this new woman in his life likes wine doesn't necessarily mean she has a problem with alcohol.

Her brother owning a bar or pub might not be as bad as you imagine. He may well be mindful about customers being drunk as they can also be a nuisance and that could affect his trade.

I know how much you feel for your DH and the situation with his own children, and how much you miss them and the GC but there's just nothing you or he can do, if they refuse to communicate.

Try and accept that this is the way things are, at least for now. You and your DH have kept the door open and for now, that's all you can do.

sucraft

What a lovely warm and secure place this is

I have been up for hours just distraught over everything... both boys estrangements and now my daughters X husband. He is taking the GC an hour away every other weekend now to sleep at his girlfriends house. They have been dating for eight months and she has two girls. He is an alcoholic and she drinks wine. Her brother owns a bar or pub. That’s like a child in a candy store for him.
Am I being over reactive? What is thisdoing to my GC who must think everyone marries and then gets divorced. I did.
I’m just so stressed too after driving by my stepsons and seeing that they were home and I can’t go in. And my DH daughter hadn’t called him since he called her in two mo this. He had been doing all the calling for months prior. I feel like my world has gone mad .

Afternoon ladies, hope you all had a good weekend. Well it looks as if spring's arrived at last and what a relief to see blue skies and some.

Gd65, I agree with your comment. If only it were so easy to talk people out of depression, post traumatic stress or post natal depression. A lot of people need the specialist care of being hospitalised. Yogas daughter sounds so fragile and depressed and I hope that she gets the help she needs. I know of two people who had severe depression after having much wanted babies, their family tried everything, they were loved but still needed the professional care described, they went on to get better and one went on to have another child. So there is hope, it might seem the end of the world, but getting the help in the first place starts test road to recovery.

arcadia I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say they have different values.

It's your instinct to offer practical help and support and also to recognise the importance for you and your H not to change plans for visits, due to his ill health and your work commitments.

Maybe you shouldn't expect a visit until they actually turn up. I certainly wouldn't alter any plans to accommodate them as they appear to be unreliable.

I read from a poster recently on another thread 'if someone's not meeting your expectations, lower them'. Maybe if you and your husband did this it would go some way to easing your anger and his hurt.

I hoe your husband soon feels well again.

I've been puzzled for years with my husband's half sister and her husband. They have never been close, and have very different values from us, but since we moved back to my husband's home town we now live close to them, and they've treated us as friends to meet with every few months. Even when they have been ill they have turned down every offer of help I have given to them (they are very elderly).
Now, following my husband's stroke, I've been pestered with text messages from his half sister but no offers of practical help whatsoever. It will be a month between her first visit when my husband came out of hospital, and the next visit she has agreed, and she lives 100 yards down the road. She has really messed us about with visiting suggestions, and cancelled visits, and has no understanding that I have a part-time job to work round too. Her husband is a sarcastic control freak who does not like my husband and has nothing in common with him.
There seems to be no question of them phoning us up and popping round for half an hour or so. My own family live far away, but are far more understanding. I am a getting really angry with this woman, and it's upsetting my husband too.

Yes Smileless an everyday nightmare!

GG I also never thought I'd need or indeed find care and support from strangers on line and am so thankful that I've found both here.

We all come here initially as strangers but soon find ourselves among friends.

Those 'if only's' are hell to live with aren't they Yogagirl

Cricky GG65 you have said; Only those with a mental health condition which makes them a danger to themselves or others are sectioned if that doesn't describe M & I then I don't know what does, so that makes what I said about them being sectioned under the metal health act correct!

GG65
I may have got it wrong regarding M & I but unlike in the USA where they get a life tariff without parole, here in the UK, if they want to ensure the person stays in prison they are sectioned under the mental health act, I thought it was without a chance of a parole hearing, but maybe they are re sectioned after a certain time, I don't know for sure, only going by the TV news bulletins and crime documents . But it's a fact that the most notorious criminals are sectioned under the mental health act without a release date, so they never get out. Maybe it's termed differently to how I've said, but still they are there for life.

Thanks to those enlightening me on the law on mental health, but to be honest I'm actually not interested. My DD [now estranged] was picked up by the police by direct result of her husband and his mother phoning them to do so. She was put into a mental hospital, sectioned, and could only be released into someone's care, her husband wouldn't entertain the idea when they phoned him, so she was released into my care. That is a fact, this really did happened, so those quoting the law at me doesn't alter what happened and what my DD went through, done by her darling husband & his mother and not to help her, but to get rid of her!

If I had not been on holiday with my other DD, her sister, I would have picked her & the children up, I would have brought them home, wrapped her & the children in blankets, made a hot cup of tea, gave them all hugs and kisses and than after putting the children to bed for a nap, would have sat with my DD and listened to her, talked to her, tried to advise her the best I could and no doubt her sister would have come round straight from work, if not leaving before hand, to help & comfort her sister. That's what would have happened if I had been there on that fateful day, no police, no mental hospital, no arguing! just love & support & comfort.

reading & posting.....

Thank you Rhinestone for your lovely birthday wishes, and Yoga I nearly fell asleep over lunch out on my birthday! I only had 2 gin and tonics! It must be my age. Yes I am
nearly recovered from all that cake.

Oh what exciting lives we lead eh fellow Grans?

Yes, that makes sense Smileless, I've been reading through the estrangement threads, and understand why you would all feel that way.

I am new to this site, new to this type of thing, actually. I would never have thought that I would find myself looking for support from strangers online, yet here I am.

I do apologise Yogagirl, I think I may have posted rather prematurely. I did not mean to single you out. There is something about your estranged daughter's situation that really resonated with me. As a child, my mother was ill and often hospitalised for long periods of time. I suffered depression as a young adult, and PND after the birth of my first child. Consequently, after much counselling, I realised that this perceived abandonment as a child had affected my relationships as an adult and had probably contributed to, if not caused, my depression. Had your daughter suffered from depression prior to her being sectioned? You mentioned that you believe your estrangement is driven by your son in law. Perhaps your daughter, consciously or unconsciously, is driven by fear of being abandoned again and so is clinging to her husband, regardless of the consequences. This whole situation may have exacerbated her depression, leading to her being sectioned. Perhaps your daughter has had a breakdown and is not able to see clearly here. I really hope she gets the help and support she needs, away from her husband's influence. I truely believe that she will find her way back to you Yogagirl, she still sounds young, with lots of growing to do. Although, some wounds are truely too deep. My heart aches for you and your loss.