Support for all who are living with estrangement (2)

I think it's both joannab I think I'm gradually healing and simply getting used to our estrangement.

Yogagirl I rarely think of our ES now, I do think about out GC from time to time, especially when it's their birthdays; another year older and another year without so many family members being a part of their lives.

I'm so pleased that you maintain your relationships with your AC Irishrose but alsothat you are being denied your GC.

It makes no sense. Why should your d's.i.l. be so set against their children seeing their paternal GM? They don't have to spend any time with you. It seems to me to be an act of cruelty for the sake of being cruel.

You're not alone in fearing the judgement of others we've all been there, experienced the fear of judgement and for some the actual reality of judgement.

In my experience that judgement, more often than not, comes from those who are not estranged. Like us, they simply don't understand why an AC should turn his/her back on the very people who raised them with all the love and care they could muster, but unlike us, have no personal experience of estrangement so assume (which we know makes an ass out of you and me) that we must have something to deserve being CO.

I firmly believe that those who without personal experience of estrangement from an AC, are more comfortable with the 'belief' that it must be ultimately the fault of the parent(s).

If our AC have cut us out of their lives with no justification then it could happen to any one; it could happen them.

Irish rose, It's really nice to hear that your sons are in daily contact.....they must care for you very much. I note they live quite far from you .....hence the difficulty of bringing the GC along with them.
Are the 2 daughters-in-law in contact with each other? My 2 din-laws are best friends, and I feel the"nicer" d.inlaw is being influenced by the other.(who, for whatever reason has taken a dislike to me).....we all live near each other, and family occasions are very stressful. There is one tomorrow- not looking forward to it ...I will be the Pariah ...invited, but not really wanted .

Hi Irishrose* [lovely name]

So sorry you don't get to see your GC much, if at all reading your post [?] Certainly no one on here would ever judge you, so you can speak freely on here to us. I feel the same about mentioning my Son has estranged too, but all caught up in my D's estrangement.

Unfortunately Irishrose you don't have to have done or said anything wrong, they can estrange you for nothing at all, as in my case & seems all of the GPs on here. Also don't try to understand the unexplainable, we've all tried and failed!

It's nice to hear that your sons are keeping in contact with you, so that's a blessing, but I know how much it hurts to not see your beloved GC, unfortunately, again as we on here all know, there is not much you can do about it. But do keep posting on here for some love & understanding
}}}Hugs{{{ xx

This thread has such a great feel to it. It's a pleasure to read.

I'm just trying to come to terms with what's happening with my grandchildren. I'm confused and deeply hurt. Thankfully I still have the love of my AC.

I have two sons, both of whom live a great distance from me - and each other. We are very close and they are in contact daily. Because of the geography and their busy careers - or so I thought - I have never had much of a relationship with my daughters-in-law. When their children were born they brought them to see me. Since then my sons come home alone. I have accepted this, not wanting to cause dissension, but I now feel they have been excuses. It seems that neither of their wives, who barely know each other - or me for that matter - want the children, or indeed themselves, to have a relationship with me. I am utterly confused. I have never had a cross word, was always welcoming. It seems that any suggestion that my sons bring their children on their own is met with fierce rows. I am utterly devastated that this is happening, and feel that people must judge me as it's happening with them both. I have kept quiet because I don't want to cause trouble in their marriages, although I have my suspicions regarding one of my sons relationship. I truly can't understand what's going on. I've had some major health problems, so it's only now that I'm seeing the full picture.

Hope everyone is keeping warm and safe.

So good to see this thread doing what it does best, supporting those going through estrangement or threatened estrangement.
Nankat these ladies will support and uphold you.
I would respectfully say if there are disagreements, that the poster who doesn't necessarily agree with, to just scroll past. Often the printed word doesn't come across as we wish it to.
It's wonderful to see this thread back in full swing.
Glad your hubby is back to full health Smileless.

Joannab yes, second time it's happened to me with my hairdresser leaving to have a baby, the first one so excellent, I tried to track her down a year later, as they quite often go mobile afterwards, but couldn't find her

After 5yrs+ your life is in a routine without them Joannab, but I miss them every single day, there is not a day, or even an hour, that I don't think of them, worry about them & wonder what they are doing, I especially worry about my Son . It's not as painful as it was and I can now manage to evert my thoughts onto something else, but reminders are everywhere

Morning all

Not so bad today, or is it? So pleased to see the little birdies out, I trapesed up the top of the garden a few days back, to make sure they had lots of food, but this morning is first time I've seen them, darling little blue tits [unfortunate name hmm] darting about on my tree, just outside my bedroom window, so I get a good look, now where are my Robins!

I made a report to the RSPCA the other day. as I saw a horse, in the middle of a field, just standing there, couldn't see if it was tethered, but in the wild they would find shelter in the woods & be in a heard. I then saw an alsatian dog running along the A127!

Smileless lovely that you & hubby have such a good sense of humour together, I envy your wonderful relationship, you've been married many years now, but still so much love for each other shinning through.

CornishSue if you are reading here, I do hope your week got better as you sounded quite down about things when you posted on Sunday. Thinking about you.

NanKate I am so sorry you are feeling uneasy about your future with the grandchildren. I do hope that with their father on the scene you will still be able to maintain contact and be a part of their lives. We are here if you need a listening ear.

Smileless how wonderful it is to see you posting here again, it just didn’t feel right without you. Welcome back !

I tried my best to keep Yoga and the others here company in your absence ;-)

So pleased to hear Mr. S is back at work now, you’ve both had such a stressful and worrying few weeks, now the two of you can breathe a sigh of relief.

Yoga it has happened to me three times where I have just got used to a hairdresser and she gets herself pregnant then goes on maternity leave, most inconvenient. ;-)

What you said earlier about just “getting used to it” (estrangement). I sometimes think am I healed now or is it just that I have “got used to it ?”

I, like everyone here am pleased you found this thread NanKate and God willing you'll maintain contact with your GC.

Yogagirl is right, you son having a good relationship with his f.i.l. will surely make things easier wit regard to him and you seeing the children, but I understand your worries.

We're here to listen to your concerns and give what support we can.

Thanks for that lovely welcome back Yogagirl. Don't worry, Mr. S. knew I was calling him 'catheter man'; it's amazing the things that he and I manage to laugh about; just about anything really.

Glad you got your hair done. I have to go and apologise to my little dog's groomer for forgetting to take him for his groom this afternoon. It's not the first timeand I wouldn't be surprised if she sacked me as one of her clients.

All these years on, 5yrsplus, I still feel like I've been in a car crash!, I am definitely not the same person I was before all this and I'm sure my first posts on here, for the first few years, are coming from a very different place/person to now!

Great news about mr S, smile less.
Yoga - a new hair stylist can be scary. I had to change after many years, was anxious but found the new young stylist so enthusiastic and up to date, I did me good.
NanKate, I hope you're ok and that things settle down to an equilibrium with your son and his (ex) wife. So tough for everyone.

Welcome Nankat So very sorry to hear of your troubles and you are assured of a lot of understanding on here with us, plus lots of advise & a shoulder to cry on.
Yes, no doubt with the break-up of your Son's marriage, things will be different and you may not see quite as much of your GS as you have. However, you will be seeing them lot's through your Son, so you won't loss contact with them, so don't worry. Also your Son is on very good terms with his F.i.l, so that will help with a smoother ride through this bad situation. Keep on posting & let us know how things go. Good luck

Well I got my hair cut by the new stylist and I'm very pleased with it . Kept checking my car to make sure windscreen was clear, but when I went to set off, the frozen rain that had come down just before, had frozen in a sheet of ice on my windscreen, it was like a double windscreen but you couldn't see out of it, my de-icer and scraping wouldn't move it, eventually it came away [with my hot air on max] in one sheet! very strange. Now a blizzard here, so glad not to be going out tonight.

Chit chat with the hairdresser, was on pregnancies, babies & toddlers, owing to my previous hairdresser in hospital having her first. Of course I spoke of my DD&GD, but then she asked me if I have other C?, then other GC? then how old? do you see them much? not as much as I'd like, has your Son C? do your other AC live near? and on & on, but I managed to get through it, phew! Then I thought; does she know my estD, with all these questions

Hurray! Smileless is back on our page, welcome back and for tonight well it is Friday
So pleased to hear catheter man has left the building and beloved husband is back in your arms once more, does he know what his nickname was or shall we keep it hush, hush . Although we have been keeping in touch via pm's, I'm so very pleased to see you posting again on 'our' page. God Bless xx

Oh NanKate that's so sad.......sad for your son, sad for the GC, sad for the whole family.
It will pass....kids will adjust to the new situation.....it's surprising how adaptable they are.
Good luck !

I’m so glad I have found this thread I may be needing it in the months years ahead.

Just to get you up to speed in the quickest most unemotional way I can.

Last July DinL told DS she did not love him anymore and accused him of having an affair.
He has always remained faithful but found out a short time later she was having the affair.
She spends many weekends away with her new chap.
DS looks after our two wonderful GSs 7 and 5 a lot of the time.
DinL refuses to sign Divorce Petition for Adultery so her father has paid for it to be changed to her Unreasonable Behaviour.
DH and I have bent over backwards to be civil to our DinLand continue helping with the boys whilst our son is away on business.
She emailed us a couple of days back to say she didn’t want us to come and help for the week, which had been planned since January and also asked for us to leave a day early on another planned visit.
This we believe is the beginning of distancing herself and the boys from us especially when she moves out.
Fortunately we should be able to see the boys when our DS is looking after them half the time.
Her Dad is wonderful to our son.

I cried most days from July to December but a sort of calm has come over me now and hopefully we will be able to weather the storm of the boys being told, my son fighting to stay in his home/office with the boys part time.

I will definitely come here when I need some help and support from you lovely GNs going through sad times too.

Afternoon ladies. It's great to see this thread doing so well with so many lovely posts and what better way to spend our time if we're staying in out of the cold, by posting here on GN.

I have great news, Mr. S. went back to work this morning. We can now finally bring to an end the last 3 weeks which have been rather stressful and upsetting.

It feels strange him not being here today, I think our little dog is missing him too. It was touch and go on Monday when the catheter was taken out and for a while looked like they may have to fit another one but thank goodness everything settled down.

So catheter man has now left the building, hopefully never to return and the only thing that's changed as far as Mr. S. is concerned is that I think I love him even more.

Great post Minty that sums up what this thread is all about and why it's so important to keep it going. It's here for those of us regardless of how long we've been estranged to find comfort and support and it's here for those yet to find it.

Well done joannab for getting this one going so promptly. Good advice about pooch's paws, we always wipe our little dog's after a walk. He has a delicate little tummy and is always licking his paws so we try and clean them after each walk. is he spoiled and pampered; you bet he is.

I'm glad you don't have to venture out today Yogagirl and loved the pics of Lilly; she's adorable.

Minty I can only reiterate your kind and thoughtful post and hope too that we can all offer an empathetic ear on this thread to anyone suffering the traumas of estrangement.

Good post Minty, 5yrs down the line, it's still very, very painful, but you learn to live with it! I really do not believe my estD is happy with what she has allowed to happen. She knows, that just a short distance away, are her family that loved her & her children, more than any other in the world, especially her mum & sister

Joannab heard from my hairdressers this morning, my hairdresser has left to have her baby early, didn't know she was pregnant , so I've been swapped to another for this afternoon . But with this bad weather won't be seeing my DD&GD . We always spend the day together on Friday & have a nice lunch out. What are you up too J ? and everyone else? Think maybe we are all stuck in, with this snow!

Yogagirl enjoy your day off work, anything planned ?

I hope other estranged grandparents feel able to talk about how they feel, those who are new to this horrible situation feel that they can get an empathetic ear, those who are further down the road can share their coping strategies and those who have been reconciled will also share their experience.
We all know what a lonely place it can be, and to know you are not alone is always helpful.
Of course we don't want people telling us we need to be positive all the time, we need to understand that some days are so painful we don't know how to get out of bed, we have to accept those days, in the knowledge that time moves on, those deep, dark thoughts will pass.

Morning all

I'm so pleased to have a day off today, roads are treacherous!! I was watching the news before leaving for my evening yoga class and the news reader said ' only go out if it's essential', so off I go to teach my yoga Only 4 students turned up, normally 25 & 25 on waiting list, anyway we enjoyed our yoga , but studio cold!

Take care all & keep warm xx

Happy Snowday to all who have it, I wont be going far today, not even over the doorstep.
I have seen little dogs in waterproof socked onesies that keep them completely dry.
Remember to give your pooch's paws a rinse when you get back from walks because the icy puddles they walk through might have antifreeze from the cars and gritting salt, they could lick their paws and be quite sick.
Does anyone here not have the snow ?