I feel I am living in a prison

I think there is a lot of harshness directed at this poor man who could have, as yet undiagnosed, medical issues.

make a stand, he's a control freak, dont let him rule your life

I thought that was harsh too Maw . If this is indeed a significant change of behaviour from your husband then it needs investigation. If its him feeling insecure then you need to address that, I had a similar situation and there was no easy solution, we disagreed, had rows and so on until we reached a compromise which suited us both. Sometimes there is no avoiding confrontation even if its unpleasant.

Yes, I would be worried about a mental health problem, or early dementia. Your post makes it sound as if this is a significant change in behaviour.
Having read through the advice above, do you think this is an expectation you have to manage, or is it a sign of something more serious? If the latter:
Do you have a close trusted friend or family member you can talk to seriously?

message EmilyHarburn Fri 23-Mar-18 11:14:58
Your husbands behaviour is not normal and is as you say an imprisonment.
If he fails to change his behaviour I think you will need to separate and divorce

For heavens sake, Emily Harburn!
Another piece of LTB (lose the bastard) advice???

What happened to constancy, loyalty, “in sickness and in health, for better for worse” etc? Trying to find the cause of the problem? Enlisting the help of your adult children -are they in fact aware of the situation?
If your OH goes out to things without you - who does he go with? Could you not coordinate your times when you want to be on your own with those?
When my FIL knew he was terminally ill and had perhaps not many months left I remember him taking his newspaper into the kitchen where my MIL was ironing one day. One of our DDs asked why and his response was “I love your Granny very much and dont want to waste a moment that I could spend with her”
Goodness - what I wouldn’t give to have Paw come with me to the supermarket, or out to the pub for lunch.
As somebody said, Be careful what you wish for.

He is controlling with your time, how about other areas of your life. For instances how is he with finance etc.? If he has always been controlling on other areas of your life then this could just be an extension and if that is the case it amounts to abuse.

sounds to me like there is something of a deeper psychological order going on here.

My husband had a heart attack about 4 years ago and he has become much more anxious, less tolerant and easily rattled when there is any uncertainty in his life.
I think your husband is in someway anxious and has lost his confidence.
He needs to see a doctor.

My husband's parents lived like that, went everywhere together, even to just go and put a card in the mail. He went with her to the hairdressers, she went with him to every doctor's appointment etc. You could say I was warned, and I took advantage of knowing this. I took the precaution of telling my husband long before he retired I wasn't having any of that. We do a lot together, but we still do our own stuff too. I go to my weekly drawing-class, visit a friend, do the regular shopping etc., he likes to browse graphic novels in a specialised shop or spend time upstairs in his study writing. It works for us.

This sounds like severe anxiety if he hasn't been a controlling person in the past. He could be having panic attacks or other excessive fears over his health for some reason & is frightened of being alone. Retirement brings on different kinds of mental health issues with some people (especially men) & you need advice & support in this.
I had to deal with a less extreme case of this and in the end I just plucked up courage & refused to go along with the demands, because I couldn't stand it any longer. In my case I wished I'd done it sooner, as he grumpily accepted it & all I have to deal with now is a degree of sulking now & again.

You must be a fairly confident and assertive person Tuppence to hold down the type of job that you describe, so assert yourself in response to your husband's demands.
A frank discussion, like others have suggested a visit to your GP, and then decide on your future plans.
It may well go pear shaped, but you are really unhappy with things as they are at the moment and you are going to do something positive about it.
Are your children aware of your situation?
Best wishes.

Could he be ill? ...

even so tactics for dealing with the situation could include ... sitting down and talking about it in a pretty blunt but friendly/ jokey way... apropos of nothing ... a "bye the way" sort of conversation

then start to say laughingly "no i'm going out on my own"... but it's the NO bit that needs working on...
get some phrases in your mind so you can trot them out readily... and then go out... drive away ... and expect but don't respond to a guilt trip when you come home...

I was in a similar situation but with discussion and humour we have come to accommodate each others needs... and tbh he has recognised most of my points...

now it is entirely natural ... no sulking ... that we do more things together now we are retired but still with our own separate lives and interests...

didn't take long... just get it out in the open ... good luck ...

I do feel for you & this needs to be sorted out before you actually crack Tuppence21. My DH had Depression which meant that at times he wouldn't leave the house. I took Early Retirement soon after he Retired. Although he was frustrating to live with at times at least he didn't stop me from doing what I wanted.

I would be very concerned that your H wants to cancel his arrangements to go along with & wants to accompany you everywhere. My suggestion is arrange a visit to your GP on your own, if he insists in coming along that me be a good way of getting him to see the GP. I had a really good relationship with our GP which helped.

My DH health worsened & as we had moved we were with a new GP Practice, I couldn't get him to go to GP & she refused to come out to see him. Eventually my DH ended up in Hospital as he became so ill. I am now a widow but I don't find your comments selfish. This behaviour will either impact on your health or result in the breakdown of your relationship

It sounds as if your husband may benefit from having a chat with a professional. He was happy enough on his own when you were away working and therefore not being able to cope alone now could be a sign of an underlying problem/fear.

Your husbands behaviour is not normal and is as you say an imprisonment.

If he fails to change his behaviour I think you will need to separate and divorce.

I do not think you can help him to review his issues and behaviour without the help of a therapist. I suggest you talk to relate.
www.relate.org.uk/

make an appointment. They always have a waiting list. When it comes up advise that you are going. His response will be very interesting will he say he is coming with you or will he not?

You go regardless.

Good luck

I do think men feel lost once they retire. Many are in what they consider to be the woman's domain, they no longer have work colleagues to chat to and seem to have no purpose. They seem to lack the ability to start new hobbies, make new friends or plan activities for themselves that don't involve their wife or partner. No OH is currently at home & is absolutely driving me nuts. Wants my attention every bit of the day & hates it if I go out on my own. I'm sorry chaps, but get a life of your own!

Hey luckygirl I am in exactly the same situation as you, my OH diesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere and while she us happy for me to go out on my own I would sometimes like her to join me, notva hoe! Frustrating isn’t it? You get married, and I have been married a good long time, and when you retire want to do things but then she, in my case, can’t be arsed. Deeply irritating. Almost makes one try to make new friends just to share time with but that makes me feel a but guilty. Don’t think I shall win this one.

Hmm ? I had a friend with a husband just like this. It used to reduce her to tears and ruined any outings that I arranged with her. He was very controlling and in the end even their own daughters refused to visit.
I doubt your husband will change and you can only put it to him in the strongest terms, that, much as you enjoy your outings with him, you also need to have time on your own with your friends and siblings WITHOUT having a Spanish Inquisition after the event.
If he, as you've already mentioned, goes off on one, then you need to tell him that the alternative is that you leave prison for the free world.
Tell him thst there is no compromise and he has a week to make up his mind. After that time you will start the separation process, because the situation as it stands is making you upset and wearing you down, not the best way to spend your retirement.
I wish you all the best in finding a happy solution.

I have experienced this type of behaviour with my SiL (just 47 years old) and yes, he did come to the hairdresser with my DD and I. It was extreme anxiety and fear of being alone.

Encourage him to see the GP, although it probably won't be easy as he may not think it's a problem. It took my SiL to actually breakdown before he would see the doctor.

Good luck with it all.

It sounds like you are getting the balance of home and out and about right but perhaps due to health or possibly like many men with no hobbies he is bored and lonely at times, he has plenty of time to think about what could happen and this is the only way he feels he can keep control of his life. A good talk sounds in order and maybe if he is well enough some suggestions of what he could go and do while you are out. I hope very much it isn't anything else.

I agree with you Chinesecrested.

Sounds like maybe he's in the initial stages of some sort of dementia. It's bizarre behaviour especially if it's relatively new. As a previous post said, I'm not any mental health expert, but you need to get him a doctor's appointment and get it investigated. There is all sorts of help and support available if necessary.

Hi please don't let this situation continue, it sounds as if for whatever reason your OH is feeling insecure. If there is a reason for this such as his health it needs addressing.
If there is no reason then a life of walking on eggshells is awful. I was in a similar situation and gave in for the sake of peace in the house, as at that time sons were young.
It truly was like being in prison, anxiety every day. I have been a widow now for years and yes it is lonely, but I wouldn't want to go back to that situation.
Please do talk to him and try to resolve this before resentment sets in. I wish you success.

I’m thinkingvhe has anxiety about his health and maybe staying alone. Could you get him one of those personal alarms that you wear on your neck or wrist?

I feel your pain Tuppence21. My oh is similarly dependent on me since we retired. We’ve had all sorts of rows about it. I compromise by making sure we do some things together, but I make sure I go out on my own too. I joined a couple of groups- creative writing which he’s not interested in and the WI which he’s not eligible for, so at least I get to go to those on my own.
I have a monthly hospital visit for treatment. It only takes about an hour, but I told him it was most of the day, so I get to escape on my own.
I’ve lost respect for him, it seems so pathetic.

Tuppence21, you aren't paranoid love, but he is! As said above if this is a quite sudden change in behaviour, then there may be something underlying, especially if it does turn into a row every time.

Have a read of this and see if anything rings a bell, and maybe make an appointment with your GP - late onset paranoia can also indicate a mood disorder especially if there has been a big change in his life ...

I hope you manage to get it sorted, it sounds awful for you x

www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20071/diagnosis/95/assessment_process_and_tests