What am I doing to myself!

I know how you feel, I really do. I wouldn't leave your home to stay elsewhere. It is your home, he leaves it with you there, it will look better in law later. He deserted the family home. Have photos of your family near you.. Be strong. Thinking of you.

Thank you cherrytree, yes hubs knows that I'm staying and when I asked if he was still going he said he didn't know but the next day he said he was and I asked if it would be in 2 weeks and he said no the 1st June..... In my head he had to consult her first and she's probably said the 1st knowing that it would be the worst day possible for me..... That's probably not true, hubs probably forgot what day it was, I'm just submissing, that's the problem I have, overthinking and filling in the bits I don't know!!! He's not just going away, he is moving away, handed his notice in at work. It's going to be hard as the day gets nearer, I'm thinking I might go and stay with my daughter coz I can't say goodbye to him, I don't want to see him go! x

You will survive nanster
Good luck with your job hunting and keeping off Fb.

Did you inform your husband that you will be remaining at home whilst he is away?

Thank you all for your comments, some I haven't answered but I have read them all. To update on my progress, I am standing strong but had a little wobble last night because I asked hubs if he was still moving and he said yes, I asked when coz we were going in 2 weeks but he said 1st June, I panicked a bit and asked him if maybe he could make it a few days later coz I moved in with him 1st June 34yrs ago, also it's my late mum's birthday and the 1st anniversary of my dad passing away.... I don't think I could cope with him leaving me on that day as well! Anyways I am sorry to say that I fell off the wagon but only the once.... I took a peek at her Facebook this morning, she put her little words of wisdom via a meme..... No expectations, just go with the flow and whatever happens happens!!! Didn't look at watsap! Have been looking on internet to see if there are any jobs in my area and going to get my cv updated tomorrow! I've got this..... I will survive lol! ??? x

Why are his parents living abroad?
Health care is free in GB they could come 'home' and be looked after?
Do not under any circumstances leave your council home and get a job .. voluntary or paid, to change your mind.
Every time you go shopping put some money by and don't tell anyone but find a very good hiding place.

Like Oldwoman70 I have also used Positive Solution therapy (sometimes called Solution Based therapy). It worked for me when normal counselling didn't. Stay strong Nanster If you find yourself weakening you can always rely on GNs to give you moral support.

Nanster 77 your comment 'hubby says it's all in my head' is a classic 'ghosting' ploy - he's making you feel it's all your fault when it probably isn't! It's about control - him controlling you. I would hazard a guess that if you move abroad (you don't say where) then it will be you doing all the looking after of the in laws, not him.

You mention grandchildren - do you have the support of your children or are they on his side. When you went to Relate, did he come too?

Think carefully and don't do what he wants, do what YOU want

That's a very wise course of action, Nanster. I'm glad you're staying in your home. You sound as though you have a very rich life here and people who do appreciate you and I think you need to have those people around you. Good luck!

Well done you Nanster.
Staying put in your house and keeping off Facebook etc is the way to go.
Keep your lists and thoughts private and in a safe place.
A part time job sounds a good idea.
Your comments 're dog made me smile for sense of humour is important.
Remember if or when the dark clouds are looming please use GN to help you get through to a better place.
I believe that there is always someone on GN who has been there and got the T shirt.

Sending you positive thoughts.
Onwards and upwards

Nanster77 just hang on to that "I can rule the world" image. Find a picture that captures that spirit and put it on the front of your diary. Every time you pick up your diary it will remind you of your personal superpowers.

Rehearsing how you might respond to various possible scenarios is also a very good way to prepare yourself and not be taken unawares by other people's words and actions. It can help you to be clearer in your own mind about what you really want and much more confident about communicating those thoughts and intentions to others. Fore warned is fore armed. ????

If you don't want to give up Facebook altogether, just unfriend your cousin or block her altogether. She sounds like a complete narcissist who is hell bent on destroying other people's marriages.
I like the idea of Positive Solution Therapy. I've had therapy/counselling several times and I get fed up with rehashing a childhood which I an't change and have come to terms with.

Nanster77 so glad you are Not leaving your home.

I can't blame you for not wanting to go back into counselling after your experience.

I like the sound of Positive Solution Therapy and it seems as if you have got a plan that will put you in a better position - Go Girl

Some lovely posts here for some wise folks, I really hope you have found some clarity and a way to focus on your future.

Reading your posts it seems as if you are good at looking after other people but that you've not been not very good at taking time and space to look after yourself.

Seems like you have it in your plan to give yourself more care. I hope you find a way to take better care of yourself. You are worth being cared for and if no-one will do it for you then Do it for Yourself.

Many a brave and wounded woman has had to care for herself when others didn't.

I hope you know after all your experience that 'Everything" is Not your Fault.

My wish for you would be that you make yourself as important as you do your hub.

You deserve to Valuable not just Useful, at the moment you seem to be Useful but Valuable to those closest to you.

No wonder your struggling with Depression and all that goes with getting through a day.

It's sad how many women seem to be in this sort of relationship - Useful but not Valuable.

In an ideal world you would care for others and they would care for you right back.

Seems like this isn't happening for you but reading your last post you are very clear about that and you seem to be making a plan to change that. Way to go Nanster

Your cousin sounds like she enjoys hurting people and I do get that FB can be like a drug. But what you find there is hurting you not helping you.

I wish you well and hope you find the stamina to keep your plan going for a better future.

If you don't want to go to a counsellor can I recommend you get a book called "Clear, Calm and Confident" by Christian Dunham. This explains the positive solution therapy and comes with a CD.

Oldwoman70, that sounds a better form of counselling, especially for this sort of problem. Like you say they go on about the past and 'in the moment", well I didn't want to be in the moment, nor the past come to think of it and scared of the future at the time! I used to go in crying come out crying, I never realy came out feeling better, I sometimes thought everyone was out to get me lol that sounds crazy but I think you know what I mean! I haven't looked at social media today...... grrrr, it's not easy kicking the habit lol! x

Oh dear been here and got the T shirt sigh ... so sorry you are feeling like this but agree with others to take time out. My DH works long hours and I work night shifts often we are ships passing each other in the night and on the small amount of time we have married offspring usually want some job done. Block this woman on facebook she is not genuine friend to you and do see your GP as you may get some help, distress in any form is nothing to be ashamed of. I truly feel for you but if unlike myself have some best friend go out with them and be a little more independent from being with your husband all the time. Who knows it might make him sit up and think ! :0)

I am glad you have decided not to move.

I know you said you have given up on counselling - I did myself once. I found most counsellors want you to relive everything bad that happened to you meaning you end up feeling worse (I usually left the sessions in tears). I then found a counsellor who specialised in Positive Solution therapy. Basically this means that what is past is past, you can't change it no matter how much you talk about it. Instead it concentrates on what you can do to change things now. After years of counselling I found this method worked for me after just a few months. Putting together plans on what to do if he goes or stays is a good start.

Oh yes Bluebell, I get blamed for everything but I've got wide shoulders lol! All our married life it's always been what I want, where I want to go, what I want to do..... I've always thought that it was nice but in the past few weeks it's come into my head that he does that so if it goes tits up I'm the one in the firing line and that's exactly how it's been!! I'm going to sit down today and write a list of what I need to do, I don't know if he's staying, he may just pop over to them when they need him, his Dad doesn't have long to live and at the moment the family are taking it in turns to go over and help. I think I shall start putting a plan together in case he does go and then a plan of action if he stays. I have my "I can rule the world" head on now, this will last about 2 weeks then the depression will kick in again. I do meditation and write a journal, that helps a bit, I have given up on counselling..... I now tell the poor dog, he's cheaper but I'm not sure he appreciates it coz when I start talking he humps down and gives a big sigh, he don't mind the treat after though lol! x

Wow so glad you are not going anywhere
Very interesting that yet again you will be blamed if the parents get worse etc it will of course be your fault that he didn’t go

Oh my, so many comments.... Thank you. I shall try and answer some. The information that she posts on Facebook couldn't come from me via Facebook or anyone else but my husband because quite often the event has only happened shortly before she posts and of course, after hubs has disappeared..... Example, the dog next door jumped over the fence and killed my chickens, hubby was at the allotment so I ran down to him, he was so angry coz it was the second time it happened, he said "effing dog needs caging up" we got home and he tidied the mess up, of course in and out of the shed, I popped on Facebook about 45 mins after and she had posted a video of two men building a large walk in cage made of chainlink, they put a dog kennel in it and then the dog! Making a story up and seeing if it comes back, I have no reason to do that as a few real life things have come back, my Dad died last year, when we were with him at the hospital I only told my other cousin from my Dads side, the two cousins don't know each other, I never told anyone else because when my Mum passed away there was a lot of family at her bedside and a lot arguments, my brother went to tell another Auntie shortly after Dad went and she already knew, my brother asked who told them and she said my cousin, how the bloody hell did she know!!! Anyways this is where I'm at today, the comments that you have all posted, some I've liked and some I haven't but I have taken on board what you have all said and you're all right. When I get on a downer I tend to wollow in self pity, "poor me, life's so unfair" but I don't sit around doing nothing all day, I look after our Grandkids while parents work, I take them to school etc, I also pop in to my elderly cousins during the week as she's disabled and I do bits for her...... They are the things that make me get out of bed, if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here, so with all this in mind I have told hubby last night that I'm not going to move, he took it quite well and seems a lot happier today, only I don't think he's going to go either, I think he was waiting for me to say because he doesn't want to be the one blamed for it. I'm going to look for a job and take a backseat with the kids because as much as I love them I'm beginning to feel like they are mine coz they always seem to be here and I need time for myself to regroup lol! I am going to try my hardest to stop the social media but it has got a bit of an obsession, bit like a drug..... I will have to remind myself that it is actually illegal as it's stalking, never thought I would be like that lol! I would like to Thank all of you for your comments, the help and support, because of you, today feels brighter! xx

It's no good, this is too much fir any person that doesn't know the ins and outs to offer any advice on. What is clear, you are in no condition to make decisions and move.stay put, let him manage in laws until you are feeling well. He will do what he wants as far as another woman in concerned. I wouldn't fight for him. Life on your own seems a breeze compared to what you have, you will get half of everything.

Personally I don't think it's you who has the mental problems I think it's your cousin. What kind of woman goes for married men and actually boasts about it. Whether your husband is having an affair or not I don't know, but, in not trusting him you're torturing yourself and is it really worth it - being with a man who makes you feel worthless. I agree with others, don't go abroad, at least until you've got the situation clear. Let him go on his own, see if this woman does follow him. If she doesn't then there's every possibility that he isn't having an affair. Have a chat with WA , they helped my daughter greatly when more or less the same thing was happening to her. What I would say get yourself out of the house, find yourself a job, even if it's voluntary, it'll give you less time to dwell on things.

As BlueBell says FB is a very small player.

When one person messes with your head so much that you question your sense of what's real you sure don't need any other people joining in messing things up.

And you really don't want anyone agreeing with the "Head Messer" that it's all in your head.

Well Done to anyone who has had to deal with a situation like this and has come out the other side.

No mean feat, so good on you BlueBell.

Not fb Janal I lived through losing my confidence completely blaming myself for every time I ‘upset’ him, going mad knowing things were happening but was made to believe it was all in my head and it all happened long before Fb existed
Fb is just an irritant, a very small player in this scenario

It sounds to me like she is some sort of stalker.She just loves messing up people's lives.It gives her a sense of power.Facebook has a lot to answer for.

lizzypopbottle. Nice post. But ...

I sort of agree with you and I wanted to say something about that counselling session before but didn't. So thanks for bring it up because I think a few GNers have picked up on this painful experience.

I think I need to ask how I'd deal with a dis-stressed person, OH who is a possible Gaslighter in one session. Both are clients.

IF, and I do mean IF, the Relate counsellor said Exactly what has been recounted then I would agree with you about the appropriate training and possibly having the right to practice withdrawn.

However, I said in my post, and I do mean it.

I would ask that social media be closed down.

I do believe in "Gut Feeling/Intuition" but when we are stressed/ dis-stressed finding our "gut feel" is difficult.

If we keep finding for more stressors, new things/information, that messes with our heads it will be very difficult to find Our Own Best Centre.

It will be difficult to find our best knowing self.

That's not a "Perfect Self" or a "Pulled Together Self" just the best we can be at the time and in our situation.

So I'd want my client to cut off any opportunity for people to head mess, (I'm keeping it clean) play nasty games, drop poison bombs via FB post and the like.

I'd want that in my clients best interest.

I Don't Know if that was the counsellors rationale but I hope it was.

As for "it's in your head" I'd be all over a counsellor who said that just like that. In fact I have been know to quote DD2 'rip em a new one" when something so disrespectful has been said. A "Challenge" is acceptable, not always liked by clients but acceptable.

It's not beyond the bounds of possibility that it was said. But I really hope nothing so hurtful and unprofessional was said.

I would accept something like - once you've had some time without seeing posts that may or may not be there to mess with your head, then you - and may be us together - can sort out what you really know and what is being aggravated and distorted by whoever/whatever posts you are seeing.

But in one 50 min session and with OH half there I'd be hard pressed to cover such big concerns with the detail needed.

Also, IF, there is Gaslighting going on, what is said and what was meant can so easily be twisted to cause damage. Then what is recalled is the twisted message because that's where the pain is.

I do sincerely hope the counsellor wasn't solely responsible for the hurt Nanster77 recalls.

That Nanster77 has been hurt by the encounter with the counsellor/OH does not seem to be in any doubt.

If it really was the counsellor and not the OH's distortion that caused that hurt some very serious questions need to be asked.

I hate to read accounts of counselling like this. So sad if people who are already hurting are treated badly. Makes me angry.

But I think bothering to ask those questions now is small fry compared to what is happening in the near future.

Here's hoping Nanster77 finds a safe way to her future and is able to take good care of herself through out this difficult time.