Wedding Bell Blues. I just need to talk to people who I think will understand.

Yes, writing things down to virtual listeners, always help. You appear to be of strong metal. Do what you think is best for you.

Cheers !

I’m glad you’ve found it helpful in writing it out cookie.

It all sounds quite miserable, but the sooner you make a decision about attending the wedding or not may aid clarity in where you are within the family dynamics.

I dont understand why you still hold a grudge when the rest of the family who are the ones who were affected by it can move on? Its not your place to judge their wife/DIL .If you cant go to the wedding and be civil at the least then stay away.I wouldn't appreciate any of my family sticking their oar in where it wasn't wanted ..especially where it didn't involve them .Maybe you need to rethink WHY you feel this way about someone else's family?

I think you should go and be polite and caring to everyone. If your sister and BIL are doing their best with the relationship so must you IMHO.

Presumably your newphew is a grown man, he is a husband and a father and running to his disabled mother when he was in trouble makes him sound rather weak.
You may feel enraged on his behalf but his more immediate family have offered an olive branch and are trying to put this nasty incident behind them.
Perhaps you should take a leaf out of their book and do the same however upset you feel about this.
Your reaction (even if justified) is giving your sister and BIL more stress and anxiety which they do not need.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but your nephew and his wife must be the ones to work out what is the best way forward for their marriage.

It sounds as though your nephew, like the majority of victims of domestic abuse is trying to make things work and that this decision is being supported by his parents.

I sympathise with your feelings but as has already been said, its up to your nephew and his wife to decide their future. Your post suggests that you accept your feelings are likely to be obvious to others and so cause tensions if you go to the wedding. Have you sat down and talked things through with your sister? Are you certain you can't control your emotions, put a smile on your face and enjoy your other nephews wedding day. By not going, you may create a greater rift within the family because I'm guessing your absence will be the subject of discussion.
Domestic abuse is never acceptable, that goes without saying. What about the children in the middle of all this?

I’m sorry, cookie but I’m not sure I understand. Is it that you would like to go for the sake of your nephew but your sister seems not to want you there, or it would be your choice not to go? .

Whichever way round it’s important to do what feels right for you. If you go there will be many people you can spend time with and relax, it won’t be the same as a meeting at your sisters home. It does sound important that the family regroup and move away from what was a very distressing incident.

As I said only you can know what is right for you, go with your instinct and whether you are there or not make sure your nephew and his new wife know you care about them.

Seems to me that life is too short to hold grudges - especially when the grudge is on behalf of someone who has moved on from the event. If your sister is happy to forgive and forget, it's hard to see why you feel you have to hang on to the past in such a determined way.

It seems that your feelings are very obvious to the other members of the family , and that your mere presence makes them feel uncomfortable. Is it worth it , for you to stay stuck in the past to this extent ? It's your sister's story, not yours , and if she has moved on it's time you did too. Go to the wedding, stick a big smile on your face, and try to relax . Your nephew's big day is more important than your feelings about a long-ago incident.

Think how your 2nd nephew will feel not to have you there on his special day.
I would go and make things right with your sister with regard to your feeling and attend the wedding.
You could request your seating is well away from your 1st nephew and his wife,you can go home early if you find things too stressful for you but at least you will have attended their special day.

As I see it, there has been a family "row". Actually you played no part in it at all. Everybody else is now getting on with their lives and speaking/tolerating everybody else. Yet you appear to be the only one still refusing to let bygones be bygones.

You are the only one who can fix this. Decide if you want a relationship with the wider family or not. There will surely be many occasions in the future that you are going to miss out on.

I would go and attempt to at least be civil to your nephew's wife. Your antagonism is what is making your sister uncomfortable, she will feel torn between her son and his family and you. You don't have to spend a lot of time with this woman, just smile say something pleasant and move on to talk to other family members. If you don't you will be the loser as you will be the one excluded from family get togethers.

Thank you Gransnetters for your most welcome replies. The problem is that my Sister has allowed the DiL back into the fold because she was pressured by her husband. She has not forgiven or forgotten either as I discovered the other day. My Sister is already expecting problems with the DiL on the big day. She said that she hoped that the DiL would not try to overshadow the Bride.
Lots of food for thought.
Thanks again.

at the end of the day this woman is your nephews choice of life partner ..and no one has any say in it except them.You can try to be happy that they have got things back on track and stop looking for things she "might" do to upset your sister or you can keep your distance and let them get on with their lives .There are loads of folk on here who dont like/get on with DIL you either live with it or without them

Of course, your nephew's wife should never have assaulted your nephew, and it is a shame that this incident escalated to further violence.

Given that you have said you can't forgive your sister's daughter in law for her behaviour, it is probably best that you don't attend the wedding. A wedding is supposed to be a happy time and hopefully those who attend will be able to put any negative feelings they may have to one side and help to make the day go smoothly.

Of course, your nephew's wife should never have assaulted your nephew, and it is a shame that this incident escalated to further violence.
Yes, that is quite shocking and one wonders why he would stay in a marriage like that; however, if those who were directly involved have decided to 'move on' if not to forgive or forget (which would be extremely difficult) then perhaps you could try to do the same or risk being alienated from all the family.

What sort of man-child runs to his mommy, in tears no less, because his wife hit him during an argument? That was between them, and should have stayed between them, unless he chose to make a police case of it, or went for marriage counselling.

Bad enough he dragged his parents into the mess, you should never have been told about it at all. Your sister was way out of line getting into a physical argument with her DIL, and you are way out of line having any say in the matter at all. Their marriage is none of your business. If your nephew chooses to remain with this woman, then that is his choice. If you can't treat his wife with politeness at least you certainly should not attend the wedding.

Let's look at that sentence again oldmom, but change the genders; What sort of woman-child runs to her mommy, in tears no less, because her husband hit her during an argument?
If any of my children had been assaulted by a partner I have no doubt they would have shared the information with me simply because we have good, open relationships and they continue to look to the wider family for support.

I thought the same grannyactivist.

It seems like double standards to me. If a man refrains from retaliating when a woman assaults him, it is implied he is unmanly, a wimp, etc. If he retaliates, he is, quite rightly in my view, held in very low regard by most people.

Surely, him seeking support from his family, is preferable - at least in the first instance - to reporting it to the police - although some say physical abuse should never be excused or overlooked.

It's the running to his mommy about it that is the problem. Complaining to your parents or siblings about your spouse is one of the fastest ways to destroy the relationship between them.

You ask your parents for help to end the marriage, if that's where you're at. You don't go crying to mommy about every quarrel.

I would never condone violence in any shape or form.

Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve inner peace (Buddha)

If their relationship has been patched up then you should try to accept that.
I expect most people are aware of infidelities, betrayals or unacceptable behaviour of some sort in the marriages/relationships of family or friends. It’s up to the couple to decide whether to continue and relatives should support that decision.
You should accept the wedding invitation as gracefully as you can, as it’s about the couples involved and not about you. You seem to be making it worse for the family.

What a ridiculous comment from old mom. Grannyactivist is absolutely right in her comments. I'd add that if one of my daughters had hit their partner, I'd be shocked and respond just the same way as if a son had hit his partner.

There are children in the middle of this and according to the OP, it isn't an isolated incident of DA.

She also attacked her disabled MIL.
One wonders why the son would want to continue in an abusive marriage which cannot be good for the children, but perhaps he has his reasons and, although 1974cookie may be very upset on behalf of them all, they have decided, for whatever reason, to continue with the status quo for the time being.
I, too, would feel outraged but would support my sister in her decision and say nothing.