Poor relationship with mil

Ok I agree the way the op is coming across in her posts is not so good and as a mom of older children I feel she could relax and I have already given my advice.

However the op has been asking for advice and the op has been blamed and questioned to her motives. If the language had been more emotional in some of her posts. I feel some of the responses would have been different.

I myself had a very rough start to motherhood losing my first child and then nearly losing the second child due to prematurity and being critically ill. The nurses on SCBU took great effort to encourage my independence as a Mother which by the way is the job of a nurse. However I was very fragile having a grandmother who was a nurse giving me constant advice, belittling my breastfeeding and ignoring me when requested to stop would have quite honestly sent me over the edge. New moms can be emotional and slightly OTT not all of us bounce back and are normal within weeks.

A few posters on this thread need to remember that the relationships forum is for gentle advice and SUPPORT. It’s not AIBU this is not the forum for second guessing motives of people or of the people around them.

”What does it matter how my husband feels about her oversteps? If something is bothering his wife, it is best he help to dissolve the annoyance. He hasn’t been saying anything to mil so I enact strict boundaries”

Roughly translated, you’re saying that you expect your husband, not only to feel as you do with everything regarding his mother, but he then also has to take her to task regarding your issues with her. He obviously doesn’t have those same issues, and you are treading a very dangerous path by being so dictatorial.

I think you’ll find that the psychologists who follow the your parents/my parents way of thinking, are recommending that method to couples who are singing from the same hymn sheet. Something you and your husband appear not to be.

It’s good that you are a strong young woman, but remember the story of the Oak and the Willow. The Willow will always be the stronger tree, because it’s not rigid. It can bend.

Newmom great post, Thanks

@smileless2012. So if something bothers me but doesn’t bother my husband, I must be overreacting?

What does it matter how my husband feels about her oversteps? If something is bothering his wife, it is best he help to dissolve the annoyance. He hasn’t been saying anything to mil so I enact strict boundaries.

Mil is a crier. She uses tears and guilt to manipulate. I’m not getting involved in that.

@soontobegran. Yes you are absolutely right - we use the dr Phil method of you deal with your family - I deal with mine

And if my family makes an overstep; it is shut down (ex talking about other people’s weight when the person is present). If my mom says something about our parenting, it is shut down. Although she tends to respect boundaries so we don’t have many issues with her.

I think its kind to think she doesn't know that she is doing wrong and I appreciate it that you are able to give her the benefit of the doubt, newmom

But there are different ways of saying it, it may be a joke. Like I said my DP would hand me the baby and say 'she wants the human cow now'. He never meant in nastily. It may be that the OP and her MIL have a very different sense of humour. Her DH should obviously be telling his mom to leave her alone, but if he doesn't then how is MIL to know that she's doing wrong

I'm sorry, but a woman calling another woman a cow, is a pretty clear reason to say, "Hey, mom? That's uncool. Please don't call my wife demeaning names."

on the other hand, its appalling that she doesn't already know this...

As the OP has never said that she's tried to talk to her m.i.l. but has said that her husband should be responsible for dealing with his mother, I think it's safe to assume that she's never addressed her concerns with her.

As I've already said, perhaps the OP's husband doesn't feel there are any issues to address.

Dr. Phil says the AC of the parents should be the one to address issues and I agree with him. Perhaps that is where the OP is coming from as well? Perhaps she has tried to have conversations with MIL but they haven't gone well, so now she wants her dh to do the heavy lifting with his own mother?

Perhaps the OP's husband doesn't find his mother's behaviour as offensive as his wife does.

But in relationships you can't just do what works for you and when it comes to your partner's parents you have to consider what works for them.

You've spoken of problems with your mother Newmom and I'm sure your husband/partner finds the things that she does to upset and annoy you as difficult to deal with as you do. I'm assuming that he is supportive without allowing it to interfere with your relationship with her, or his own.

I agree Newmom that the "OP has a dislike of her MIL and is using silly little things to justify her dislike". IMO this has been demonstrated from the beginning of this thread.

But the OP hasn't tried to have a chat with her. She says several times that she thinks her husband should be responsible for dealing with his mother and that he hasn't said anything. So how does the MIL even know she's done anything to offend OP? She or her DH need to explain when these situations occur that it upsets or offends the OP, her MIL isn't a mind reader.

Not everyone is willing to have a "simple" "polite" conversation. Some people will twist and turn everything said and make even the most polite person into a raving control freak and them the victim.

I don't see the OP making demands, but simply placing boundaries because of behaviors she's shared here (and others we know nothing about) making her feel like her mil isn't a safe resource for their family.

You seem to be one of those people that isn't bothered by much and I think that is commendable...not everyone is as able to do that, and they need to do what works for them.

I understand that, but I was questioning whether the OP has unreasonable expectations. For example, the OP states that the guilt trips were about being invited somewhere and them not going. Is that really something to get so worked up about? Can it not just be brushed off and ignored. It seems like the OP has a dislike for her MIL and is using silly little things as a reason to justify her dislike. Things that could be easily dealt with during a simple polite conversation, rather than making demands about how or when MIL sees the child.

OP asks how her MIL can change her behaviours to gain the OPs trust, that seems a little dramatic given the MIL hasn't done anything to harm her child.

Boundaries aren't for others, they are for ourselves.

They are for when thoughtless people try and come into our space, but are not welcome. You practice them yourself with your description of how you handle your own mothers nagging you. Everyone has to work out for themselves what and how they say no to unwanted behaviors, and not everyone has a mother that "eventually gets the point", so firmer boundaries need to be set into place.

Yes guilt trips are childish, and it's annoying to be offered unwanted advice. My mom does that to me all the time. First time I say no, explain why. Next time just sorry, already said no. From then on, just nope and change conversation. Eventually she gets the point. It doesn't need to be a big drama.

I agree there can be 'rules' but these should just be agreed between the OP and her husband and they are both aware that these are their boundaries. Which may mean the OP needs to change her behaviours as well.

Do people really live in worlds where families are given boundaries that no one ever crosses and no one ever says or does anything to annoy or offend each other?

Newmom101

Guilt trips are not acceptable behaviour. That's childish. OP also has a right to ask that MIL not offer unwanted medical advice.

I am not sure that complete NC is warranted here - I think that would be far beyond what's required. I do think it's reasonable to have a discussion about boundaries - no guilt trips, listen to the parents' rules, no unsolicited advice. If MIL doesn't want to adhere to those rules, then I think a temporary break is reasonable.

In many situations it is often a case of 'six of one, half a dozen of the other' though. We only have the OPs side and she has listed 1 thing that her MIL has done which is questioning her parenting, once not listened to her instructions. That's all quite normal in the first few months of having a child, she is learning her new role as a grandmother and was most likely asking out of concern for her GC. In fact many new parents face far more interference from GPs. Possibly the only thing she has done wrong is referring to the OP as a cow, which yes she should stop if OP has asked her to (I don't think she has said if she has?) and may have been meant as a joke. So for all we know, and IMO, it sounds like the OP is making a mountain out of a molehill as she doesn't like her MIL. The guilt trips and unwanted medical advice can surely just be brushed off?

Normally I would say that in these sort of situations it's best to humour the new mother as she will likely mellow out with time. However, I feel like the OP is being unreasonable. She expects her MIL to change to suit her, without questioning whether she shoulders any responsibility or blame. It seems like the OP wants everyone to agree with her and do exactly as she says, including her husband who should be able to take his child to see his mother without needing the OPs presence or permission.

Smileless

Respectfully, I think most partners don't intend to "get between" their partners and their parents. (I said most, not all.) That said, I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask that certain things (e.g. marital problems, health details) not be shared with the parents. I do recognise there are some situations where the partner does try to get between the AC and parent (my sister appears to be in such a situation) and I think it's sad.

In OP's case I think it's not unreasonable for her husband to have a relationship with his parents but for her not to do so. Whether or not they should see the children without her depends on her husband. If he's willing to shut down inappropriate comments about OP then I think it would not be unreasonable. But if he's not willing to do so I think it would be a good idea for OP to lay out her boundaries before they see the children. By that I mean it's not unreasonable to say "don't comment on how I feed my kids". If the parents aren't willing to accept that boundary (which is a completely fair boundary) then they don't get to see the kids. They're not being asked to jump through hoops; they're being asked to show basic human decency. It's up to them to decide whether or not they're willing to go along. But if they decide they can't or don't want to do that, it's not fair of them to claim they don't get to see the kids.

*I am speaking about reasonable boundaries here and not "changing the goalposts constantly". I have a problem with changing the goalposts. But I don't think it's unreasonable to ask grandparents not to comment on or criticise their child's or CIL's parenting techniques.

I haven't read the full thread (so apologies if I am repeating what others have said) but I am not sure that I fully understand the 'cow's issue? If you find it offensive (& I would too) surely you would say something to that effect to PIL? I wouldn't be waiting for my husband to say anything on my behalf.
My mother had similar views about breastfeeding which I just ignored, she had got fed up with expressing them by the time I was breastfeeding baby number 3!

I agree with the role of GP's Synonomous, it is also the role of d's and s's.i.l. to not take over and drive a wedge between their husband/wife and his/her parents.

No parent has the right to come between their AC and their partner and no partner has the right to come between their partner and their partner's parents and when they do, it is their own children who often become pawns in their game.

I second that, Smileless, practicality and experience- based opinion from Newmom.

It is wise and reasonable to have boundaries with parents, and I wish more parents made this easier on their ACs.

As GP the job is to be one of support and help...
not controlling, not mocking, not taking over, not being a wedge between their child and their spouse or between the baby and its parents, but willingness to learn a new way to do things so your child and their spouse can have a safe and supportive well to draw from. Being a new parent is so very stressful just on its own...why would anyone want to add to that in any way?

I know that what worked for me was good and positive, but my dil isn't me...and that time is not frozen to when I was a young mother...I am going to have to learn how to do the new car seats, and strollers and everything, but that's ok! I didn't breast feed, because I felt great pressure to fit into what my own mother was comfortable with, but I refuse to do that to my girls (by birth or by marriage). They get to do what they feel is best and my job is to cheer them on, and hold any advice until asked. (and absolutely calling them "cow" is OUT! How passive aggressive and disrespectful) Relationships are not owed to anyone. If we want to have a relationship with our GC, we should treat it as if it were treasure we seek and be careful and purposed in our dealings with others so they want to let us in, feel safe with us, know we have their back, etc.

Boundaries are healthy. They are beneficial. They help us see where we stop and another autonomous person begins. They are the foundation for respect that relationships need to thrive and be a rich resource of blessings for all family members.

Excellent post Newmom. I hope the OP takes notice of your wise words.