Poor relationship with mil

You sound like you've made up your mind already, OP, so it's not the advice you're after, but a justification of your animosity. You really dislike your MIL, and I'm sorry for her and for your husband too.

Nope!! all the mother in law has to do is to treat the op like a fully formed adult.

Don’t dish out out unwanted medical or baby advice any good nurse will tell you every baby is different and that it is what works best for the parents.

For the father in law to have to get involved and tell his wife to stop shows how the MiL had gone way to far. Bottle feeding babies can be over fed and it would cause unnecessary pain and discomfort.

Being rude to the op in front of family is out of order.

Some of the posters here need to remember that they themselves were new parents doing g what they thought was in the best interests of their children, would everything had been right no it wouldn’t!!

However I do think op that this could be very easily remedied try taking your mother in law out for something nice on your own without your husband or baby and just talk about how you feel but not accusingly. Also talk about how you can change because i’m certain that there are things you could alter too.

Include her by sending pictures, little videos and when your daughter does something for the first time give your mil a quick call. Take the initiative to build a relationship she could become a great friend. Also let her know how happy the health visitor/dr is with how you and your baby are doing, big yourself up as a parent because you are doing a great job.

It does sound like she loves her grandchild very much and is trying to show her love but is just going a little overboard. It will take time for her to get used to her new role.

As for some of the comments on here people should be ashamed of themselves, I’m glad they were never my mother in law. Being opinionated and tolerated by your daughter in law is not something to aspire too, I knew a lady who was opinionated and tolerated, no one misses her neither her children or her grandchildren.

Sj0102 I understand what other GNs have said, but am thinking that maybe we should be more open to what it feels like to you too. We have not beeen there as you have and it is hard to know the emotional climate you are experiencing. Having a baby is a time of heightened feelings and concerns for the new parents, and I guess your MIL could be more understanding of how it all feels for you. I encourage you to step back and move away from who is right and who is wrong . Then you may find you can see how it feels for her as well as for yourself, with more understanding. Maybe you could ask your husband to help you have a kind and understanding conversation with your MIL. She is hurting too - you both are, and both need to feel understood and cared for. If you take the first step towards greater kindness and understanding between you, then I believe you, your child, your MIL and the whole family will reap great rewards of love and trust as the years go by. I wish you all well!

To be honest you sound like the dil from hell. I'm surprised that your mil is still trying to be your friend by offering to help with childcare
You must wear the pants in yoyr relationship and like most men just wants an easy life. If I was him I'd tell you to be grateful.

Do try to consider things from MIL perspective. You have turned down offers of help and an invite to a family event - hope this wasn't turned down to spite MIL. She is learning to cope with losing her son to you and will have to learn how to adapt to your rules in order to have contact with her GC. As a mother, MIL and grandma it is not always easy to do and say the right things, but we all try hard not to cause upsets. The messages you are sending out are very clear, but I would be very upset not to be able to look after my GC or take them out. I have been lucky and see them all regularly. How would you feel if you were in her place? Try and build bridges - the longer this situation goes on the worse it will get.

Hi - i am ging to buck the trend of comments here and say that you sound like someone at their wits end. I have the same issue but in reverse as it related to my SiL (who also calls herself a nurse - actually a health care assistant) and her opinions on what I should be doing with my dear Mother during the last year of her life. So frustrating. Just keep smiling, try to accommodate even in a small way - its your child after all.

Dear Sj0102, I agree that you MiL shouldn’t go against your wishes and feed your baby while you are breast feeding.

I’m sorry that some Gransnetters have been so dogmatic about your post and comments, I think that the breastfeeding issue is enough for you to have doubts about how your MiL doesn’t listen to you or your husband.

My grandchildren both went to a nursery part time while their parents worked, as both grannies lived too far away to help every day, and both children seem to be thriving.

Do hope that everything settles down and that you can enjoy your baby ?

Soontobegran - what a marvellous post - reasoned and kind and wise. Thank you. We aren’t all blessed with the art of writing our thoughts down so clearly, which is where wrong impressions are formed and sometimes harsh (and unfair) judgements made.

I’m having some MiL problems of my own right now, (divorce doesn’t end those problems it seems!) so I really appreciated your post, and hopefully Sj0102 will find it helpful too.

Chinesecrested - I am guessing you get to do all those nice things because you do not behave as the OP's MIL has behaved, and made herself unwelcome by her actions.

Such a sad situation for everyone concerned, especially the child. Surely, the more loving, caring people there are around the child, the better it is for them? I go and look after grands when my Dil needs doctor or dentist, when she goes to her exercise classes, or out with her friends. I help with children's birthday parties and go with them to playparks. It's good for the children, good for me, and good for her. Everybody wins. Have some charity in your heart, OP and let the poor grandmother in!

I would not recommend a family conference. The relationship between OP and MIL is not the business of the rest of the family. No one else needs to get involved.

MIL needs to learn that she doesn't get to make rules for OP's family and she needs to follow their boundaries. If she can't do that she will be digging her own grave.

Some similar crap went down with FIL. For this and a few other reasons he became Granddad Who We Don't See.

I am swimming against the tide here! I feel sympathy for the OP. I breast fed my 3 all til past 2.5 years (it was not mainstream then) I would have been extremely angry if my own DM or MIL had over ridden this and doled out formula! My 3 all grew up healthy and well! I had similar rows with my own DM on the subject of bringing the children up as vegetarians, she was a definite meat eater and my DH and I were vegetarians my MIL also did not approve and tried unsuccessfully to sneak meat into meals when we went to visit. In the end my BIL intervened and although childless told his mother that we as the parents had the right to make these decisions and that she should respect them.
I struggle to understand all the many posters on these types of forum who seem to think that it’s ok to undermine or criticise young parents! When my DGC started to come I made sure that I read all the current thinking and discussed with the AC this meant that I fully understood their ideas and was able to support them. I haven’t always agreed with parental decisions mostly on minor issues to be fair, but I know that they are not my children and I never issue unsolicited advice. It does not seem to me to be so very hard for GP not to say Something but to keep their mouths tight shut! Why do some GP feel this an impossibility!!
My advice would be to try and sit down with MIL and explain that where there is a health related issue you would respect her professional knowledge as a nurse and would seek her advice but that in issues of parenting styles you have both made your own informed decisions. Explain to her that you appreciated the child care offer but that as she does not seem willing to follow your feeding rules then you don’t feel confident that she will respect your views on other matters.
It does seem to me that you are trying hard to keep her included and she comes across as a bit interfering, you don’t mention FIL so I presume she’s on her own if he is around maybe get a general discussion going?

Dear Sj0102 ,

Im sorry you have such a trying relationship with your MIL. She sounds very disrespectful of you and your husband's wishes and ways of doing things.
I am a dil with a mother in law like that. She wants to be the matriarch of the family, making rules for how to raise the kids and letting them know they can run to her to discipline their parents if we are out of line. (eye roll here) We have had to live much of our married lives with strict boundaries and she is very unhappy with that; but so are we. We'd MUCH rather have had support and love, rather than manipulation and control. She wants to use us for needs and expectation which is immature and unhealthy. We tried for a time to jump through her every hoop and guess what? It was never enough...as her daughter says, "I don't think even mom knows what she wants."
I am now a MIL with a soon to be grand on the way. I have gone out of my way to let my son and his daughter know that I have no interest in being the boss, or undermining their wishes or how they choose to do things. Its their turn and its their family...and I better treat them with respect and be a person who understands boundaries so as not to alienate them. I learned a WHOLE lot as to how not to be a mil from mine...painful lessons, but lessons I am glad to have had none the less. I have made it my aim to never forget what it feels like to be a dil.
My dil and I are close and enjoy each other's company very much. She is very different from me, but she loves my son, so I love her.

My relationship with my mil has never improved, much to my heartbreak, but I have remained respectful in spite of her spitefulness and disrespect...and took lots and lots of notes on how NOT to act when it was my turn to welcome another woman's child into my family and share my name.

I am sorry for the responses that have been judging and harsh...sometimes people forget how it feels to be in other people's shoes. Hang in there and remember this is your family, this is your child and you and your husband get to determine how to do thing together; you shouldn't have to justify what you are doing to anyone. I hope your mil can chill out a bit, trust her son, treat you with the respect she'd treat any other grown woman on the planet and just enjoy you as you all are.

@starlady and @oswin Thank you for your comments. It sure doesn’t feel nice being called a cow in front of your family. I have never called her a negative name in front of others so this was crossing a line.

The items I have listed are just a few of the things she has done. When I was pregnant and had already selected an OB she told me to check out her ob and when I declined she got huffy

Similarly, when I needed to find a doctor for my child and didn’t select the one her family (including dh ) uses she got upset and tried to speak to my dh about it even though she knew we had already decided to send him to my doctor.

I realize dh needs to set boundaries but he’s often not listening to what comes out of her mouth and so we leave and he gets an earful in the car

@chewbacca. Please tell me where I said I wanted to cut her off. Does seeing her 2-5 times a month equal cutting someone off? Am I missing something?

And upthread posters saying because shes a nurse she may know more than Op about breastfeeding.
Nope not how it works. If shes just an average nurse its more than likely she knows nothing about breastfeeding. Even midwifes are not experts on breastfeeding. Thats why they have specialist breastfeeding advisors.

I agree Op has been tolerant of her mil.
She called her a cow fgs. She carrried on feeding when told to stop by both parents and only listened when her husband told her.
The way Op writes is stiff yes, but what shes actually writing i agree with.

I dont understand how anyone can behave like this is poor hard done mil after reading what shes actually done.

SJ in answer to your question - just talk and get to know each other properly, this often takes a long time because each person also has to listen. A well organised family conference seems like a good way to start and it would be helpful to ensure that it is attended by the wider family and that it could be chaired by someone whom everyone respects and who can keep order and prevent problems. You would each need to work out what you see as the ideal and how you would like this to work - and then you talk and listen. Everyone always needs to bear in mind that we were created with one mouth and two ears and they really should be used in that proportion.

I do get quite tired of reading in all kinds of places about people wanting respect without ever acknowledging that respect is not a one way street. Anything worthwhile is something worth working for and good family relationships are the best for bringing up children.
I read about an African proverb that says "it takes a whole village to raise a child" and I think a search on it would give some good insight into the different experiences a child enjoys and how this produces well rounded people.

The OP's m.i.l. is indeed very lucky to see her gc as often as she does. I don't interfere in anything ...all I want is a chance to see them. I only go if I'm invited, which is not often. I think the OP has been very tolerant if her m.i.l.

Also, imo, mil shouldn't get to argue with dh 10 x about attending an event before he puts an end to it. It's enough to answer her first argument or 2 with, "Sorry, Mom, that just won't work for us," and then end the conversation if she keeps it up. True, no one likes to be ignored, blocked, hung up on, etc. But that's one of the reasons they shouldn't harass people who decline an invitation. An invite isn't a summons, after all - people don't have to go. But, of course, you can't help how dh responds to his mom. Hopefully, in time, he'll realize it shouldn't take him that long to get the word "no" across.

OP, as a mom/mil/gm, I'm appalled at the harsh treatment you have received at the hands of some of the posters here! Some of the harsher ones are generally reasonable ladies, too, so I don't understand, unless, somehow, your presentation gave them a bad impression. But the fact that MIL wouldn't stop feeding baby when you and dh told her to, would have been enough for me to decide "That's it! No way am I letting her babysit my child!" Her offering childcare is NOT kind or helpful if she isn't willing to follow your rules for your baby. She may mean well, but she wouldn't do well. Granted, as a nurse, I understand she feels she knows a lot. But then, she should know that some people believe in EBF, as this isn't so totally new. The fact that SHE obviously doesn't believe in it, does NOT make it ok for her to go against what you and dh have decided is best for YOUR and HIS child. IMO, she's very lucky she sees you and your family unit as often as she does - once a week or so is HARDLY "keeping her at arm's length." Some young parents would have cut back much more. I get that she's probably frustrated that she can't babysit and that you and dh are not thrilled to receive her advice, which, no doubt, is based on her nursing experience. But I can't really feel bad for her, as she does get to see dh and gc quite often and brought your resentment on herself. As far as "what steps" she would need to take for you to "trust her," I feel you've answered your own question. She needs to end the behaviors you described and begin respecting you and dh as adults and parents. The only place where you and I part company is that, at this point, I would set the boundaries myself in the way that agnurse describes. Though I agree that dh should do it, clearly, he's not going to. And no progress can possibly be made, imo, till somebody does. Maybe if dh sees you doing it and the world doesn't fall apart, he'll follow your example, after a while. Best of luck!

OP: do you think my mother in law is horrible and I'm right to block her out of our lives.?
GN: From what you've told us, your mother in law doesn't sound horrible but you seem a bit immature
OP: No no my mother in law is REALLY horrible and I don't want her in our lives
GN: your mother in law actually doesn't sound horrible and you're sounding really immature.
OP: YOU LOT ARE ALL HORRIBLE!

Nuff said. wanders off pitying a woman I've never met

Just listen to yourself Sj0102

Well, it can't be easy, putting up with a difficult woman......as I'm sure your MIL would testify.

@florenceN. If keeping my knickers twisted keeps me on my feet and allows me To protect my family from husbands mothers overbearing attitude and interfering ways then twist twist away.