Poor relationship with mil

From another perspective, I don’t see MIL as the problem, nor DIL.
The fact that her husband refuses to intervene, for everyone’s sake, is troubling. He knows the cow comment is causing hurt feelings, but yet will not say anything. It shouldn’t matter if he understands this is meant to be humorous. His wife is offended by it, and so he needs to defend her, the moment it’s said. It’s very possible MIL meant no harm, but should know how it makes DIL feel. This alone creates resentment. In turn, it’s causing OP to distance herself further.

And while I don’t agree with MIL contacting her son to secretly discuss GCs care, telling OP this instantly creates distrust.
I think he could have told GM something along the lines of -nothing to worry about, the doctor said GC is perfectly healthy. In the future, please talk with both of us, I’m not comfortable with this type of thing.
And hopefully she wouldn’t.

Here we have a new mother trying to figure it all out as best she can; and a new grandmother doing the same.

The common denominator, the husband. Could’ve tempered this before they’ve gotten to this point.

?

I think generally, children learn how to treat their parents by the example they are set at home, glad mil is back on the list and hope everything works out.

Momof3

The issue is that MIL isn't willing to listen to what the parents tell her. I wouldn't trust such a person with my child, especially if the child isn't old enough to tell me what is going on when I'm not there. In day care there are standards and rules.

Husband and I are lucky to have jobs which allow for generous sick leave. My mom is also in my neighbourhood so we’d definitely be using her as Our first choice. I’ve put mil on the back up list for daycare.

@IrishRose76 I strongly disagree that because you saw one public interaction between a husband and his wife, that most people would see the cow comment as a joke.

Would you find it funny to be called a cow, in any context? Perhaps someone sees you chewing gum and decides to make a joke about it and calls you a cow? Of course, that is rude and not in the least funny. The MIL was out of line in this, I cannot fathom anyone trying to defend it or justify it.

and as for this comment, "However, from your comment about comparisons, it seems that you are segregating grandparents - yet again - with regard to what they are even allowed to say." that is just silliness. A husband will be able to say things to his wife that another person cannot or should not say. The relationship is one of intimacy that no other relationship has...and to be up in arms that there are things people should not say to another person is odd to me.

I have things I know would not build a bridge with my dil, so I do not say them, because I am her mil and because they would hurt her.

”IrishRose76. Her husband said it. Not her mil or fil. So that is a poor comparison”

I wasn’t making a comparison Sj, just attempting to show that, in my opinion, most people would see that sort of comment as a joke, perhaps not in the best taste, but certainly not meant maliciously. However, from your comment about comparisons, it seems that you are segregating grandparents - yet again - with regard to what they are even allowed to say. A husband, according to your rules, is allowed to make that kind of comment, grandparents absolutely not.

Momof3Good advice

Ok in terms of unwanted advice, not listening to boundaries and overstepping agreed boundaries you would always have my support. However you seem to be a little unkind about your mother in laws feelings your tone is blasé. It would be useful to remember that babies in their first few months of childcare can pick up every bug going. You won’t get time off for every illness and I assume neither will your husband. Your mother in law cares and loves your baby and is medically trained you would find it best to not burn your bridges

Im glad for you Sj that the conversation is done and now everyone can get used to the new normal that is to come.

Irishrose76. Her husband said it. Not her mil or fil. So that is a poor comparison.

Good news is we selected a daycare and let mil know he was going full time in December. She looked disappointed and suggested part time for a year but this facility only does full time. I’m glad that conversation is out of the way.

That’s one hell of an assumption to state that the husband obviously has a problem with his mother. Nothing that the OP has said suggests such a thing.

From personal experience I would suggest it could be the opposite, and because he has respect for his parents, he is loathe to upset them. Either way, when a young couple are not singing from the same hymn sheet, it is dangerous for one to demand that the other does something they’re not comfortable with.

Funnily enough, I was in a coffee shop recently, sitting near a young couple with a sleeping baby. After about ten minutes the little one woke up and started crying. The daddy picked her up saying “OK OK. we know it’s milking time”. The mum just laughed, knowing it was said jokingly.

If the OP's H does have a problem with his relationship with his mum then his wife wanting him to enforce boundaries she wants isn't going to help.

He doesn't have to agree, but if he doesn't he wont want to be a party to everything his wife wants.

The husband has agreed to the baby not being left with the GPs without them. There is obviously a problem with the relationship that the poor guy would rather not talk to his mother at all about anything. My dh is the same way. He'd rather not put up with the endless hassle of a "polite" conversation with her (instant drama, crying, guilt tripping etc) , so he avoids talking with his mom about just about everything, but he and I are/were in full agreement with the boundaries we came up with to deal with our difficult family members.

I don't see that her husband needs to agree to these boundaries, simply because they're just so completely obvious to me. Don't make inappropriate remarks and listen to what the parents tell you. Why does her husband need to agree to that? Is he okay with his mother abusing his wife? Because that's not okay.

Yes that was what I was referring to IrishRose.

Unfortunately the OP’s husband hasn’t agreed to her boundaries which is, I’m sure, what Smileless is referring to. Added to that, the OP is insisting that he makes her boundaries clear to his parents, which will inevitably cause further dissension.

the OP isn't keeping her child from the grands. They visit them and see them weekly. She just isn't comfortable leaving the child with them with out her or her dh's presence. Though I'm sure she wishes it were different, the boundaries she and her dh have agreed to aren't over the top.

Working together may be a better way of going about. In a marriage it should be our way, not my way.

Yes it is absolutely the parents who make the decisions about the children ...both parents together. How they ensure that happens with members of the family who are important in their partners life, is maybe the issue here though! One does not have have to have a "perfect" relationship to allow one with ones children ...not that I am excusing any of the behaviour described ....but dealing with it differently might improve things without all the pain that is clearly being experienced at the moment.

GG65, yep! Good post!

Sorry, I don't seem to understand this. What is the problem with it being OP's way or no way? The child is OP's. Of course it's her way or no way. That is the respect that is absolutely due to the mother of any child. I wouldn't even attempt to feed someone's dog without the owner's permission!

Smileless

They are OP's children. MIL needs to listen to what OP says. So far, MIL has refused to listen to OP and her husband when they said to stop feeding the baby and she has referred to OP as a "cow". Neither of those things are appropriate. I don't see OP saying she does not want MIL to have a relationship with the children. I see her saying she wants MIL to listen to what she says in regards to the children and to not make comments that could be construed as inappropriate. Neither of those things is unreasonable.

If you think a joke or comment might be construed as offensive you can keep your mouth shut. If the parents say to do something or not to do something you can listen to them. By definition they know their children better than you do.

Perhaps Sj your husband is more tolerant of his parents than you appear to be of your own and his. Unfortunately IMO you are not coming across very well in your posts.

It seems to be your way or no way.

The cow remark would end the relationship to me.

I think there are some things where you can bend and some things where you have a right to say no. Whether or not it bothers your partner is something else again. I think it's not appropriate for a husband to throw his wife under the bus and say "we're only doing this because it's what she wants". I would personally interpret that as my husband saying "Well, my wife is an old fusspot or crazy person and I daren't set her off for fear she'll make my life unmanageable."

As an example, it's not unreasonable to set boundaries such as someone can't smoke in your home or they can't bring their huge dogs to your home, or they need to call before they come over, or they have to run gifts by the parent. On the other hand it would be unreasonable to say you can't see the kids unless you quit smoking altogether or unless you get rid of the dogs. These boundaries, to me, are give and take. I may not appreciate my mother's smoking but I can tolerate it if she doesn't smoke in my house. (To her credit she never has. I didn't even have to ask.) FIL smokes marijuana. If we were still in contact I'd have a rule that he couldn't smoke in front of my kids nor could he show up smelling of it or under the influence. If he ever did that would be an immediate CO.

Many parents have a two Yes, one No rule when it comes to their children. Both parents have to agree to something before it can happen. Now, obviously this can be abused, but I would expect that most grown adults would be able to come to a compromise.