How do I break this cycle?

He has probably over the years undermined your self worth and confidence so that you feel you need him.
You say he is an intelligent man, which makes his behaviour even more unacceptable.
He is on an unbelievable ego trip, having women fawning over him.
Would he hurt you like this if he genuinely loved you?
Of course not.
You are worth much more than this. Just tell him to off next time he phones then block his number.
Book an appointment with Relate, you can go alone. It would do you the world of good to speak to a trained, neutral counsellor.
Believe in yourself and value yourself.
I know it is a difficult cycle to break, but only you can do it.
Write two lists, one positive showing what good you get out of the relationship, the other the bad points including the pain that you feel.
Best wishes.

A cheat, liar and alcoholic too - you already know what you have to do right?! Get well rid ASAP and move on!

If he truly loved you he would never have caused you such immense pain. We all make mistakes and maybe some deserve another chance, just the one tho. Yes, liars have to believe their own hype to enable them to sound convincing. We only live once so please take the responsibility to give yourself a chance of happiness with someone who respects you. H obviously sees you kind heart as a soft touch for his manipulation .... fly free today, block his number and see a solicitor ASAP and never look back ... you are worth so much more ?

Deni do as others suggested. Also go and get some therapy too. If your not a member of Al-Anon go to it (I am presuming your H/ex was in AA an so you know about Al-Anon. If not Google it. Al-anon in the U.K. that means you can get help straightaway. It's a family and friends support group for anyone who has or had someone in there life where drinking has been or still is a problem.

It sounds to me as if somewhere in your life you have learnt it's ok to just accept crumbs from someone else. You are worth more than this. Its your pain so get the support you deserve.

You have two choices: break all contact or stay stuck. The first choice is painful however you will get through it. The second choice means you stay stuck in a comfort zone of pain your used too

Denil - I am so sorry you are facing this awful situation. I am divorced from a man who bullied me, stonewalled, put me down, ignored me and I didn't know how to handle it. I finally told him I couldn't go on and wanted a divorce, and then found myself being sad - though leaving him was absolutely right. I realised my sadness was because I was mourning the fantasy hope that he would change and be kind, or at least normally courteous to me. It would never happen, but I'd nurtured this hope and it was that false hope which made leaving so hard. I am saying this, because it might help you see what is happening for you. We can long for something which rationally we know will not happen. I am lucky and am now married to a kind man and have a good life, feeling able to be myself. I wish you well and believe you can have plenty of good years ahead of yourself.

Isabella- you have described my former life too! My ex was a drinker, I couldn’t take any more so I divorced him and he went on to drink himself to death.
I’m now very, very happily married to a wonderful man!
So to OP please cut the ties, it’s hard to begin with but you’ll find happiness and self esteem in abundance! Good luck x

My Dad was a cheating, violent, sociopathic alcoholic. He is no longer alive, the drinking and smoking and lack of interest in his health, took its toll on him. However, it took its toll on my Mum too, who suffered many years of anguish and depression whilst she was married to him. She died at 61. Alcohol was her only way of blotting out everything that he did to her. She loved him until then end, but he didn’t love her. Please, please rid yourself of this sociopath. He will never change and you can move on.

Denil963 - I'm glad you realise that you need to break the cycle but he must meet some need in you and he knows it.

Are you sure you're not a weak person, or are you not weak with regard to everyone but him? It sounds like you are still hopelessly in love with him.

I could suggest that you tell him you don't want to see him or be contacted by him anymore, even if you don't know if this is true - but then you must stick to it. He's a loser. Do you want to be as well?

Believe that he isn't the only fish in the sea and that one day you'll meet someone more worthy of you.

Be brave and endure the pain that this will cause in the short term. You might even feel relieved!

And please don't come back and post about the same thing again unless it's to tell us you've dumped him for good..

Very sensible advise for you Denill963.
Cyber supporters who are wise so pay heed for your own sake. Just onwards and no looking back.

Next time he tries to contact you think of how hurt you were when you found out he had got another woman pregnant and then you found out he also had a second girlfriend. Don't think of any good times you had, remember the times when he was drinking and how hard and how bad that was for you. Don't look at your past (or even your current meetings with him) through rose tinted glasses.

Denil1963 hello again.
My mother had a friend who had an affair for years with a married man. He lied to her, cheated on her with yet other women, and yes, he too was a drinker. They often broke up, but she always took him back and they were eventually 'together' for about sixteen years. During the whole of that time she was talking of ending the affair, but could never bring herself to do so - and then he had a heart attack and died. My mum thought that her friend would be distraught, but instead, after the initial shock, she said she felt as if she had been set free from some sort of enslavement. Even now, in her eighties, she is still angry with herself for having wasted so many years of her life and with hindsight she says that the underlying problem she had was in allowing herself to be undervalued.
So, your question Denil is, how much are you worth? Are you going to continue a relationship with this man who finds you of such little value or are you going to start to value yourself at your true worth? If it's the latter then block his number from your phone, change the locks on the doors and start life anew. You may, or may not, eventually find another partner, but I expect you will come to feel better about yourself and your life without this man in it.

Make up your OWN mind.Be determined.Set yourself a goal and make darned certain that by the weekend he is no longer part of your life.A lying manipulitive bully...... whom is obviously only using you...........is exactly the kind of person you no longer need.
Show some guts and act you say yourself you are not weak,so come on.......... show us you are not.
We are not going to lead you by the hand,you already have our opinion and we all heartily agree that you need this man like a hole in the head!!!
So come on show some mettle and get shot.............pronto.

Thank you all for the advice. No, I don't need a man at all. I honestly don't know why I find that physically act of blocking him so hard. No I used DH as it's what people use, he isn't a darling. Yes I know I need to stop all contact - ( we are usually in daily contact), he doesn't do social media so have no worry there.
I know life will be better without this, he is a very intelligent man, and I've come to realise he believes his own lies which is why he sounds so convincing. I'm not even a weak person. If I could understand myself in this it might help, but perhaps the finality of loss is something I'm struggling with - I know many of you think yes I'd kick him to the kerb, but why can't I do it knowing what a deceitful person he is?

Grannyknot she needs a friend like him like a hole in the head She’s totally smitten no matter what he does how could she ever be just friends
I remember you asking our advice earlier in the year and everyone telling you to kick him to touch but you haven’t you ve just changed the living arrangements around thinking that would help we’ll it hasn’t and it won’t This man I can barely use the name man has you and probably loads of other women ( two you know of) exactly where he wants you calamoutpring for more dangling you on the end of your chain
There is only one answer as harsh as it sounds sever ALL contact and get as much help as possible to rid yourself of this cheating manipulative bully
Shallying around with a day of love here and there is keeping everything alive and kicking for him and keeping you in a state of suspended love sickness

You alone have the power in your hands and on hearing what a lying,cheating,drunken slob of a man your H now is I would not hesitate but make one clean break .............right now.
There is no hope when a cheater such as this man involves yet a third woman into his marriage.Two sometimes there MAYBE hope..........but when three its one definate NO NO

You need to exert your authority and show him what a real woman you are, and you are no longer putting up with this excuse of a man that he appears to be.

So cut all cords pronto...........recieve none of his calls by whatever method,make him know that this time you mean business, there is no bending the rules or getting around you.
For your own peace of mind you need to get away from this corrosive influence and find someone who will respect you.

Wishing you the best but please yet again..............all of us here in Gransnet are of the same opinion .......so you now know exactly what you must do.

You are 54 - you have another 30 years or so of hopefully healthy life. Are you prepared to let this loser control and dominate your happiness in the same way he has done for a large chunk of your life already? Are you prepared to be on your death bed and look back at a whole life of this?

It is about self-respect really - I think you need to re-activate yours.

So he has cheated on you with at least two women (that you know of), has started drinking again, arranges meetings with you and doesn't show up, doesn't contact you for ages and then suddenly pops up and wants to meet up with you again - and you do!!!!!

Sorry I agree with everyone else kick him into touch. He is using you. Don't make yourself available to meet up whenever he decides he has time for you. Delete all contact details off your phone, ignore any texts or phone calls.

I agree with everyone else, kick him into touch. I do understand how hard it is to remove yourself from an on going relationship and where there are shared children. You deserve better than this and yes its scary going it alone at first but believe me you will be much happier in the long term.

Denil you simply do (break the cycle). It's an act of will. Act -instead of cogitating endlessly.

If you get on well, you might be able to be friends again some time in the future. Right now you need "clear water".

OldMeg.

Start divorce proceedings. When he receives notification of this he should realise he now has to take responsibility for his actions. Don't telephone him.

Sunseekers advice is good. And take it from me life WILL be better without this man. You will have bad days but they will be your days when you have the freedom to make choices. I have experienced the situation you are in. I divorced mine and he eventually drank himself to death. His choice. My choice was to reach for the sun. You can do the same.

Go girl!! ?

I agree with sunseeker that you already know the answer. But of course you don’t really want to do you?

Why? Is it fear of being alone or do you just need a man? Any man!

Well sister, you don’t need this one! He’s a loser and if you continue to act like a wet lettuce I have no sympathy. Kick him into touch, ignore his calls, change the locks and get a life.

What puzzles me is why you refer to this man as 'DH' and not simply 'H' - there doesn't appear to be anything 'D' about him at all, unless of course in your world the 'D' stands for Deceitful, Detestable or Despicable.
It is time, of course, that you started referring to him as 'my ex'. You are worth more than this - have more belief in yourself. Cut all contact in one fell swoop, block him on your phones, unfriend him on social media and definitely stop calling him!
Good luck.

sunseeker very well put.Lets hope the lady takes note of your advise.

You already know how to break this cycle. Just ignore him. You are feeding his ego by always being available to meet up and apparently accepting when he "goes off radar". His actions sound very controlling - wants you at his beck and call and doesn't want to give you the opportunity of a happy life without him.