How do I break this cycle?

Well done Deni one day at a time think of it as an addiction and tick each day off as a step towards the new you Give yourself a treat for managing the first day of your new life
Good luck keep going I m sure everyone on here is fully behind you

OldMeg
Well said. You certainly don't waste words.

I want to thank everyone for all the valuable and very true words. And I will keep reading reading. I know how destructive this is for me, many ask why, but for 8 sober years we were very close. This man now I don't know at all, and would be horrified if my daughter was accepting this. In many ways I'm quite isolated - I have no older family members who I can turn too and sadly no funds just to go away. Today I've not spoken to him and don't plan too. Day by day. I don't want to return to what is is, and I know for me the trust is gone.
The one thing that stuck is yes, it's hope, and yes if it doesn't work with these women I'll take him back. I have alot to do to regain who I am, and my self worth. Seeing so many comments of the same voice gives me strength.
I don't want to ever have another relationship - I'm not scared of being alone, I loved and still love the man he was. But not this.

No contact at all is probably the only way you can break the cycle.

It will take 8-12 weeks for you to get over him, with the clock resetting every time you have contact. Just do it!

Deni may I suggest you are involved in an addication you are as hooked to this man and this relationship as a person is on heroin
There is only one resolve and that is one day at a time just like the AA treatment You say you speak most days make it a day by day thing don’t take his calls for a whole day then resolve the same the next day and so on
It’s going o be hard but you have to break this cycle or else put up but don’t complain it’s in your own hands only

Denil, you say he is an intelligent person, personally I would say he is scheming and manipulating to gain extra-marital sexual pleasures.
You also state that he believes his lies to be true. Why are you still making up excuses for his cheating behaviour?
He is throwing you crumbs of hope and you are scrabbling around picking them up. He is hedging his options.
Let's turn this scenario on its head, if he gets dumped by his latest lady which is likely and by keeping in touch with you and offering crumbs of hope you are the safe haven who will welcome him back only to be cheated on again when the next attractive and gullible woman comes along.

You are in a terrible situation and I feel for you. I was in a dreadful relationship once with an alcoholic man who was both physically and emotionally abusive . I came across a book which changed my life quite by chance and I now recommend it to you . I have lent this out to more women than I can remember . It’s called” Why Charming Men Make Dangerous Lovers” .I t doesn’t cost much and I guarantee you will find the strength to do what inevitably you must. Best wishes.

My H no.1 was a controlling b*****d, I met the man who became H no.2 & that gave me the courage to walk away from the marriage after 6 months.

H no2 was the father of my DD, when she was 4 I was thinking about going back into Further Education, perhaps a premonition as he walked out on us without a word, I discovered he was living with a woman a few streets from me. He too was a lovely man but unreliable so he got "the order of the boot". I divorced him, went back to College for 3 years which gave me my confidence back (hard work with a small child). Best thing I ever did.

Through a College friend I met DH (no3), almost 23 very happy years with him. I've been widowed over 5 years moved nearer DD & DGSs, made lots of new friends, been to new places, I love my life although I do miss DH.

Lots of good advice on here, you can survive without this cheat & liar. Take small steps, don't try to do everything at once or you will feel overwhelmed & do cut all contact with him. You will survive, you are stronger than you think.

I guess you have to reach the stage where the pain you feel when he lets you down (again!) is greater than the enjoyment you feel when you’re together. I can’t think of any other reason why you’re letting him walk all over you.

Get rid of him! You are only 54, time to sort out a great new life, without a cheating alcoholic on the scene.

What is it that holds you to this man? First answer that. This really tells us a lot about you. Before you can break this cycle, you have to know yourself. Your own behaviour is what is in question here not his.

He has problems and needs to address them. You are going to have to address your problem and stop focussing them on him. You allow him to treat you this way ask yourself why. Don't say because I love him. No once can love a man who treats them like this.

So stop the romantic rubbish, stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop blaming him. That is the first step in breaking this cycle. I don't feel sorry for you, I feel angry with you, and that is how you must feel, angry with yourself. Until then you have no chance of changing a thing, because you are choosing to be treated like you know what. Find some dignity and you will feel a lot better about yourself.

Sorry if I am not being kind to you. Sort this out. It is not rocket science.

Get rid is my advice
He is not only a cheat but as' dim as' my old gran would have said 'a Toc H lamp'
Getting someone pregnant then her having an abortion? what's to stop him doing it all again.
He is taking you for a fool That you are not
You must make the break once and for all. Its going to hurt for a while but hurt will continue if you don't act now.

I have two bits to add to the discussion....and I've been there.

1. People will treat you as badly as you let them.
I read that after I'd left my husband and he was being a complete a**e to me and the children.

2. If a friend or daughter told you this was happening to her what advice would you be giving her?
Run that through your brain and see what you say. I think we all know the answer.

My decision was to leave and make new friends and I still don't regret it. Good luck with whatever you choose to do x

Those of us who endured long term relationships with liars are screaming at you to get out of this, now. Cease all contact, no matter how lovely he is to with.

How do you eat an elephants in small chunks. It might seem over whelming to just walk away but deal with it day by day untill it becomes the norm. Ignore his calls today and fill your day tomorrow so you are too busy. Block his emails and text if it makes it easier.
Start loving yourself and do things that please you, go for a walk, go shopping, sit in your garden. Seek out local groups, like keep fit, or craft groups lots of church groups have all sort of events running during the week that aren't remotely about religion. Or the suggestion about Al-Anon. is an excellent one . You will meet like minded people that will support you.
Your in laws have blanked you, do you ask your self why? He is clearly blaming you.

You need to move forward if this was your child going through this would you condone it ? You are worth more but only you can set bar and gain more. I wish you well.

Try and look ahead a little bit, do you still want to feel this way in six months, a year, five years? You're still young enough to find your own way. Have you heard the saying "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"

Lose this loser now!

I agree with everyone else. Life's too short to spend it being treated badly. Try to enjoy your own company and make new friends by being a happy, reliable, interesting person in your own right. You do not need this dreadful man.

OP I was in a similar position many years ago. Recently reminiscing my friends from that time agreed 'And every time you were starting to stand on your own feet he'd come back'.
I did walk away and now realise that, hard as it may have been, it was the right thing to do.
Why are his parents NC with you? Do they think he's better off without you?

Not quite finished!

Then send letter, recorded delivery, explaining that he us to refrain from any form of contact in person, electronic, or Royal Mail.

If he persists I would get a court order to stop him contacting you.

That's the practucalities but surely the fact that he's an alcoholic., a serial cheater and a liar persuades you that he's not the man for you. Surely?

How do you break the cycle?
Deal with the practicalities first.
Delete him from all forms of electronic contact ie emails phone social media everything.

I think you need to distract yourself from him. Do you have friends that you could plan a holiday or a short break with.
Then make a decision that you are going to break off all contact the day before the holiday if you are unable to do it before.
Block his number and delete it from anywhere you have it written down.
Then don't talk about him on the holiday. Tell your friends that they are to change the subject if you do. If you find yourself dwelling, pick up a book or turn up the TV.
Taking up a hobby that needs concentration. If you have any craft skills there are many charities that would like things that you make.
Just doing it and then sitting on the sofa to brood is not going to work.
Good luck.

I was in the exact situation as yourself. Married to a lying, cheating alcoholic who nearly destroyed me. I still lived him, but it took him attacking my son with a carving knife for me to finally rid him frommy life. Best thing I ever did. I regained my self and my self respect. Please dig deep and find the strength to totally ignore him. These people wreck families, and wreck lives xxx

As Ramblingrose has said you know this man is a first class bastard - a liar, a cheat and a drinker just for starters. An all round waste of space. Lots of good advice from Grans re blocking ALL contact with him. Just do it!

The real question and personal challenge is for you to understand why on earth you stick with him. And that's the really hard bit, facing up to your own fears and insecurities about what life without him would be like. It will be different but can it possibly be worse? As many, many women before you have found you will be very surprised at your own strengths and the support of your women friends. Good luck. ?