Difficult DIL- time to deal with it?

Nooo! is my first reaction! You say you have become obsessed and that is exactly how you come across. Your DIL is interacting with you to a point but you are clearly overwhelming her with more than she can handle so, for the sake of all, just back off and try to relax more. You cannot force any closeness as it needs to blossom naturally and not be forced as in a 'hothouse' . You say she was moody etc and didn't want to be there so my question is "why are you forcing people to do things they don't want to do?" You say you are sensitive but that comes over as insensitive and unkind.

My second reaction "yes it is time to deal with the root cause of your unhappiness and that you clearly need to sort yourself out"!
Your DH needs you to think of him more than you are doing and perhaps you need to take your lead from him regarding your future family interactions. If you don't do that there may well cease to be any interaction at all and that would be sad for everyone. You need to take the back seat because you are not the queen bee or the most important person in the family. I think you need to walk in your DIL's shoes and work out how you would feel if you were her. Robert Burns had it right when he wrote, "oh wad some power the giftie gie us, to see ourselves as ithers see us"
You have some serious thinking and backing off to do!

I have had to accept my SIL who is like this and I think if i had tried to talk to her about it the situation would have got worse. She just doesn't like me. I would juts carry on inviting your DIL to your home, be a charming thoughtful host and rise above her behaviours. I know its not nice but you might be stirring up a hornets nest to confront it.