Separated

(((Hugs))) Star Turtle! And therburon!

I think you've been given some very good advice here. I haven't had this experience, so Idk what I would do, but I was thinking along the lines of what Sheilasue said for starters - do things you couldn't/wouldn't do if your x were still there - sleep in, stay up late reading, take a class just when you might have been having dinner with him, eat out of a can if/when you want, see all the kinds of films you love but he doesn't... whatever. Just enjoy the freedom to do you and nothing but you. My guess is it will help, but I could be wrong, of course.

From experience, I know that breaking from a relationship is painful but believe me when I say that, six months down the line, you will wake up and the sun will shining.

Starturtle - so sorry to hear your news. My daughter went through this almost 4 years ago now when my ex son in law walked out on them. She found it very hard at first, but gradually, over time, she has found her feet again and is coping well. Take your time, don't do anything in haste, take up any opportunity to go and enjoy yourself -from having coffee with a friend to going to see a film or on a trip. You will find your path again x

Relax at home be selfish do what you want to do, have a lie in, read a book in bed, go for a walk, meet up with friends or family.
Don’t let the problem take over think of all the things you missed out on. Good luck.

Star Turtle - I have been there and done that. Last Tuesday to be exact. And for just the same "sort of" reasons and after 35 years. I echo what others have said, that it takes courage. My thinking was that actually I was ashamed of the ineffectual way that we were dealing with our separateness while living under the same roof and that it would be more painful to go on as we were than to separate. I keep going back to that thought. The way ahead is full of challenges. Today I went out and bought a garden hacksaw. Nothing like attacking greenery with a vengeance to soothe the troubled mind. I am going to keep on making changes and be the architect of my own future - one branch at a time. You are not alone doing this. I wish you courage and fortitude and the best of luck.

So much fabulous advice here. I can only add to tell yourself over and over, 'I can do this', and you will. I know how hard it is. I also had a rule not to turn down any invitations, although I almost always wanted to leave after about an hour at first!

Hope you have family and friends to support you.

You'll need time to grieve as this will leave a big hole in your life. Make sure you get good legal advice and find things out of the ordinary to fill your time. Once you get used to doing things on your own, it will become much easier.

Lots of good advice here, to which I can’t add a great deal. I do agree that it feels a bit strange at first, but it’s amazing how soon you’ll start to enjoy the freedom and peace of living alone.
You don’t have to be lonely, you are now free to socialise as much as you like, but your home is now your own space, and I promise you that feels really good.
The first thing I did was to get a new hairdo and some new clothes. If you can afford this, I would recommend it, but if not, do try to give yourself a few little treats.
If you’re not working, volunteering can be a good way to get yourself out and about and socialising, tho’ it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
Anyway, whatever you decide on, very best wishes for the happiest of futures!

I feel for you, it is hard, and I've been there so have some idea what it may be like for you. I suggest you find simple things to do - walk, go to the park, pick flowers in your garden if you have one, do whatever is your hobby, or take up a new one, go out to learn something, ask friends in for a cup of tea if you don't want to cook a whole meal. Do find some one to talk to. You need simple things to do as well as time to feel what you are feeling, without judgement. It will not always be like this and you have new possibilities for your new life ahead - one step at a time. I wish you well and you have GN here to support you.

I don't know what kind of things you do day-to-day but what about learning something you are interested in. An evening class if you still work, or U3A class if retired. You would meet new people. Maybe make new friends who don't know you as a couple. Alternatively. or as well, what about volunteering in some way? Does your local hospital have a Friends group who run the shop and go round wards to get requests for hospital radio? Is there a voluntary services group who help run an old people's lunch club? The local library would have lots of ideas. I have found, when things in my life leave me lonely or unhappy, helping other people takes my mind off it and makes me thinkful for my life. Helping with Crisis if you live in London is very rewarding. Depends how active you are.

It changed my life. I came out of my shell....have not looked back. It takes time to get used to being alone. Definitely don't rush into looking for someone else. You need to learn about being a single person first. You will be fine....Enjoy the freedom. X

eat well (but not too much) get plenty of fresh air, in quiet natural surroundings but also reinvent yourself. Fresh 'do' makeup wardrobe - diet if needed, lots of exercises whether swimming, yoga, zumba (feel good hormones kick in). What ever you do don't start trying to replace your 'ex' by dating on line. Look for interesting holidays for singles so you meet men and women but look to places you haven't been. Now's the time to expand your horizons Think of yourself as an egg, after some time relatively comfortable and safe in a confined space, you are breaking through that shell for a new life. Don't be frightened and jump onto this site for reassurance - I've been there done it, wear the tee shirt - married to a lovely lovely man and never ever wanted to be 'shackled' again but had 18 years on my own relishing my freedom. Big hugs and courage sister....

This is the 1st day of the rest of your life ... deep breaths and start making a bucket list. See if there’s a Meet Up Group in your area, they do cinema trips, theatre, concerts, ladies who lunch etc Also there are lots of Singles Travel Companies out there too, the holidays are amazing and they really look after you. Enjoy .....

Great advice from ladies on here my break up wasn't amicable I left and found myself in a house in a new area .My ex wasn't a very social man so I make a point of speaking to a neighbour or just someone at the shops everyday .You will always have times when you miss him but as time goes on this gets less frequent. Like suggested do things you would not have normally done for me a lie in eating toast in bed and not religiously cooking a Sunday lunch to name a few

Lollee what a wonderful, wise dad.

StarTurtle I think it is courageous to face up to the fact that you have both changed to the extent where you want to move on from the relationship, and then act on it. All good wishes

Lots of good advice here. I don't know if you are already a member of any clubs/groups or have good friends you can socialise with?

If not, I would join a group or two, even if it doesn't really appeal at first. Search your local U3A and see if there is anything of interest. Maybe a local theatre or cinema would have a social group attached. Does your library have any events you might like. A knit and natter or craft group perhaps?

It's very early days for you, but something new would give you a boost, and be the first step to what could be a wonderful new life. Good luck

You remember the refrain 'Pick yourself up, Dust yourself down'. It was a mutual decision (wonderful) therefore you now have the advantage of doing exactly what YOU want, when YOU want and how YOU want. I think the change is so immediate that you should hasten slowly into realising and achieving your aspirations - even discovering what they are. I wish you both the very best of luck on what is a courageous but somewhat sad situation. Solitude was thrust upon me overnight but I think I've made a good fist of it and am certainly not at all unhappy. I wish the same good fortune to you.

firstly take a deep breath then be kind to yourself .I found my friends a great support .then I moved from Yorkshire down to Wiltshire,knowing nobody.met people dog walking,joined U3A,and answered a small ad in newsagent from a lady wanting to meet like minded ladies for coffee, cinema trips etc. now have a great group of friends to holiday with and enjoy days out,meals out or shared in each others homes.Life is great if you embrace it.Good luck in the rest of your life. wink

Been there myself. It will be like a grieving process. Give yourself time to recover, and find the real you. Expand your circle of friends, and live an enjoyable life x

Be gentle with yourself, find a way to give yourself a treats whenever you feel you need them.

Take all the time you need to build a your new life, one step at a time.

The idea of making a list of things you want to do sounds lovely.

Even if you never get round to doing them all the dreaming up of those adventures can have a value.

Wishing you the best day you can have. x

My father gave me some advice when my husband left me for a younger model when i was only 33. With 2 young sons it was tough but he told me to keep myself busy, even if it means painting a wall that doesn't need it! I would suggest making a list of all the jobs that need doing, places that need visiting, books that need reading etc and don't give yourself time to brood. Drop into bed exhausted every night so you can sleep the better for it. Have a special friend you can spill to but try not to spend all your time with others bemoaning the situation, best way to lose their company! Wish you well and remember, it is only a matter of time before you no longer feel lost and confused.

I found that, particularly on a Sunday, I didn't speak to anyone so I joined a gym and went to yoga lessons on Sundays. I found it quite pleasant to live by myself and be selfish but I was working part time so had company. By accident I met my second husband (the last thing I wanted was another man!) and 27 years later we are still together and very happy. Good luck StarTurtle, it will work out.

You will go through a grieving process. Yes you can still grieve even when the person hasn't passed. Take it a day at a time and be gentle with yourself. It's a time of great change. Whilst you wanted it. You still need to allow yourself to have your feelings about it all.

Don’t feel you have to sort out everything at once, as the old saying goes, you eat an elephant one bite at a time. Enjoy the little things, take your time to adjust. I wish you all the best in your new start.

Faced with the helplessness of 'what shall I do'? when I was left on my own through a long separation, I found an 'Aims List' helped.

Writing a list of things I believed would be difficult to do on my own, eg: go for a meal for one, or to the cinema, do a meal for friends, visit that art gallary I never got round to going to (because he 'didn't like' art). Every little ticked victory achieved rewarded me with a little pinch of belief that actually being in the driving seat of my own life feels very enpowering.

Concentrating on the opportunity of what you can do on your own is a challenge, there's a lot of life waiting for you out there - 'go for it girl'........