Bi-polar Daughter?

We where fortunate to come into an unexpected windfall so had a granite top fitted in new kitchen.
The men who fitted said it is durable but if given a whack on the edge it would chip,and to keep the chipped piece,and they would repair.Also the front bit where the sink is,not to put pressure there either.Lemon juice will stain it.

Its the kinda thing you can do to your own property but its not okay to be so cavalier with other peoples property.

Cant you just admit that you made a mistake? if not no wonder it escalated into a "blow up"

I didn't damage it, did I Notanan? I took extreme care to fold a thick towel twice over.....there was no way the knife would have gone thru the tea towel.

It's just bloody basic humaning:

if you damage someones property you own up to your error and show remorse instead of deflecting all responsibility. THAT'LL cause a blow up, its not about loving material things its about someone (the OP) invalidating her daughters feelinhs

Anyone who thinks it is ok to blow up so much over a material thing perhaps need to re evaluate their priorities.

its not so much about the worktop as about the OP not being remorseful for her mistake & instead inverting the blame onto her daughter!

Really the last thing you want to do is have a major fallout, and remember she must be under pressure, its tough enough with teenagers when there are two parents! Give her a ring and tell her that you are proud of her and of how well she manages on her own, bringing up the children etc.

I would have been upset too. I am sorry to be so frank, but those granite benchtops are very expensive and cost a fortune to repair. If she's hoping to one day sell the house, details like chipped benchtops devalue properties. She is on her own and perhaps she is thinking of her kids too. I am both a mother and a daughter, obviously. I sometimes feel my mother is out of touch with my problems and therefore can't see my point of view. I need to be mindful not to be that way with my son, too.

Why not take lunch with you to give her a break - going over there every week and then having a roast dinner is a lot of work for her. Take a casserole or a bolognese with you - something quick and easy that you can take in a large container. I'd get stressed if I was her, feeling obliged to cook a roast dinner every week for my mother .

What on earth is the point in having a kitchen worktop that would be ruined by a little chopping?

But didn't the tea towel get sliced by the chopping?

I would be more concerned about the daughter's behaviour than the granite top, she is obviously not coping with her position and needs help. Maybe mum is not understanding how stressed she is.

You admit you haven't got a great relationship with her. I'd go mad too, about chopping things on a granite worktop. She sounds under a lot of stress. Teenagers, housework, work, no husband, etc. Bipolar is quite different to what you describe.

Just a thought, but why can't you invite her and your grandchildren to your house for Sunday lunch sometimes? Or perhaps all go for a pub lunch?

Bloody hell. I think poor crazyH has had a really rough ride on this thread.

It would never have occurred to me that a granite worktop would have been so delicate as to be damaged by chopping on it. I'd probably have done exactly the same thing. It's not like she used a sheet of tissue paper to protect it!

I actually think crazyH did exactly the right thing. She didn't get embroiled in a slanging match, but just walked out after listening to abuse for a while.

I think if an olive branch needs proffering, it should be from the daughter to crazyH. It's not like she did something deliberately malicious. She was just trying to help.

Isn't there a saying "no good deed goes unpunished"? Seems applicable here.

I suspect the tea towel will have been folded over to a decent thickness, and frankly, if a worktop can't stand a chopping motion - which presumably wasn't being done with a blooming machete - then more fool the person that paid a small fortune to have it installed.

Take them out for Sunday lunch once in a while or take something round with you save her cooking if shes working hard all week
You are probably too alike and will always have clashes but let them go she obviously does My mum and I would have some disagreements but it was over in a flash and we d be friends again very quickly Not worth worrying about it it’s over and done with, give her a call I wouldn’t even mention the fall out it ll only start up the ‘well you.....’ and ‘ yes but you.....’ let it all go pick yourself up brush yourself Dow and start all ove4 again

I can sympathise with you crazyH, it is hard when you are trying to help your adult kids turn on you, even if she did think she had just cause!

But as others have said, I don't think it's just about the work top, but more about her maybe getting fed up of your Sunday lunch arrangement and not being able to tell you without you feeling hurt.

Maybe it's time to have a chat about whether Sunday lunch could be changed to once or twice a month. She may be having to turn down invites to go out on Sundays from friends and that's slowly building up.

But don't beat yourself up about what you did ( walking out ), but maybe send her a message saying you only did it as you were upset by her behaviour and didn't want to fall out with her over it. Sometimes we have to bite our tongue and just 'suck it up' in order to keep important relationships going. She may be feeling just as bad as you do now.

Will you all just let the flaming worktop go! Anyone who thinks it is ok to blow up so much over a material thing perhaps need to re evaluate their priorities. As many have said - it is granite, ie stone. Very tough, and a tea towel although not ideal would probably have done. The worktop incident was just a trigger. I have had people accidently damage my 'things'. I would never blow up because they are just that - things. Also, I agree with the fact taht a kitchen is a workplace, not a showroom.

“ you always hurt the one you love” and you are the closest person your daughter has to vent at. However, it doesn’t make it right, and it’s so hurtful to you. Good ideas on here, re you doing them dinner at yours or taking them out for a change. Personally I would let her know calmly how she makes you feel, write a letter if she won’t listen, and just reiterate that you just want to help and be close to her. It’s not good for her kids to see her kick off at you like that, they will think it’s acceptable behaviour. Good luck ?

crazyH,

Issues often get blurred when emotions are high.

These issues (mental health, marital problems, cutting boards) may be relevant, but they are not what needs to be addressed here.

To begin with:
D was right and so she felt compelled to remind you about using the cutting board and avoid ruining the counter top/ cutting up her tea towel. The HOW she said it, is what needs to be discussed.

D was wrong in the disrespectful way in which she spoke to you! That should be the main issue here.

She should NOT disrespect you and much less in front of the children.

Walking away with passive resentment and not saying anything is not healthy either.

You both need to work on how to communicate actively, with respect and kindness. She was sweet in the end because she may not even realize how rudely she spoke to you and how hurt and embarrassed you were in front of your grandchildren.

I too have an adult daughter that blows up on me frequently.
It's really hard work to be honest. Yes it's all very well to be treated like somebody's verbal punch bag because you're their nearest and dearest but its very draining.
You say this is a regular occurrence. I would try protect yourself a bit and not see your daughter so often if you're finding it difficult. That was the answer for me. I speak to my daughter most days still but don't put myself in situations that could become explosive.
Good luck ?

It's not about having a show home.

If you're a one income home it's hard/impossible to replace things once broken and if she owns and ever needs to sell a damaged worktop is a big deal that affects the whole look/finish of the room, likewise if she rents she could be charged for the whole worktop if a part is damaged.

Being blaze about such things is a luxury for people who can afford it.

And a towel is an idiotic "solution" that won't stop damage, a logical alternative to a board would be a plate.

The OP done wrong, but people make mistakes, how ever its when people don't OWN their mistakes (eg by defecting the other persons upset away from themselves) that things escalate

I don't think there was any excuse for her treating you like that. She may have had grounds for being upset about the chopping incident, but really a quick " I really wish you had used a chopping board " would have sufficed. It saddens me that so many people put material things above people. I couldn't imagine putting a worktop ( even it was solid gold) above my love for my mother .

Thank goodness for common sense! Some opinions are well off kilter on here. I entirely echo echo ...... your post.

Since when have kitchens become like show houses instead of 'the hub of family life'? My kitchen has natural beech worktops but there's no way I would rant on if somebody helped prepare a meal for me. Anyway, I think this is more about her attitude than the granite worktops. Life's too short to fall out over trivia.

I would never have dared have a rant at my mother, and my daughter has never had a rant at me. Mutual respects starts young. Forget single parenthood and granite (what's that about? a kitchen is like a workshop at my house).

Icanhandthemback-good post. I agree. Your comments were spot on.