Jealousy of Stepson

Great advice,I especially agree with HunnyBunny, but for me it is the other way around as in I am an involved hands on drop of a hat Mum / Gran ,We have now agreed to disagree,& respect that we have a different attitude to AC.& GC .I think it seems to be a bit of a problem for quite a few couples who are with new partners & extended families.

A while back there was a problem on here about a family rift. The advice was to seek out mediation. I too am having family issues, I have looked up mediation, seems a little pricey but if it works... My question is has anyone actually used this service

Take solace that the waster is no longer part of your life physically.
You must come to terms with your mental attitude, and, as others have said, don't interfere with your husbands relationship with him.

Btw I can see two separate things going on here.

Firstly, there is the jealousy you feel towards your DH and his sons close relationship, which I can understand to a point. We all want to feel as though we are the most important person in our DH life. But, you would be wrong to try and break up their relationship regardless as to how you feel. I have realised by my own SiL's behaviours, you can be a rubbish husband but a wonderful father and we just have to 'suck it up' for the sake of our grandchildren.

The second thing seems to be, that you are putting your hatred for your own ex onto your SS. Because your ex didn't have anything to do with your own children, could that be a cause of your dislike of your SS, because he has chosen to keep his children with him? I may be wide off the mark here, but that's what jumped out at me.

I do think some sort of counselling to explore your feelings for your ex, your SS and your husband in case they have all became entangled in your mind. As someone who also suffers from mental health, I know how easy our thoughts can become confused turning something innocent into a massive burden.

Good luck and hope you can get help to help you see things better. And agree with others, it sounds like your DH is a good one, don't do anything rash re leaving him until you are in a better place xx

Hi all, Just wanted to come back and thank you all for your opinions and advice. It has given me some clarity and particular thanks to HunnyBunny for making me realise i am not the only one who feels like this.

Despite what some of you are suggesting I would never ask DH to make a choice, and i would never try to come between him and G. Frankly that sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I am going to do as some of you have suggested and leave the room when he calls and distance myself from it. I am also going to look into to counselling.

Also, to the lady who suggested EFT i have heard of this so will investigate that also.

Just talking here and getting sound advice and suggestions, i already feel like a weight has lifted off me. I'm so grateful.

bytheway.....what exactly are you jealous about? If you can try to work that one out, you may be nearer sorting the problem.

I am betting your DH wishes he didn't have to deal with his son's problems too but as his father he sounds like he's doing the best he can?. I fear, you, his wife would only compound DH's problems by objecting? How would divorcing him make things better, unless you don't love DH anymore? Perhaps you are hoping if you threaten he will renounce his son?

I guess I don't understand because I feel there is room enough for all in our lives. My life has been a total roller coaster btw and I have children and step children now. We don't all mix all the time and I sometimes feel one of my step sons take the proverbial P but I wouldn't interfere because it would hurt my DH and he is wonderful.

My only advice would be to consider how much your marriage means to you and if it means a lot to support your DH. Doesn't mean you have to engage constantly with someone you don't care for but 'tolerance' is the key I think. Putting obstacles in the way will only make you all miserable at the end of the day.

I had a similar situation and I worked out that I was jealous that husband loved my stepdaughter more than me.which of course is natural - blood ties etc.
Very childish really, but I was very insecure at the time.
Things improved over time.

I have a similar situation so I can sympathise. My husband and I have 2 daughters each but 1 of my step-daughters is very toxic and, I believe, has all the characteristics of 'narcissistic personality disorder' (very much like her grandmother who, according to my husband, caused a great deal of upset when she was alive).
I am luckier as she lives 230 miles away from us and, although I know my husband can't exclude her from his life, she has upset him (and me) numerous times in the past and he doesn't talk to her very frequently on the phone, although we do visit once or twice a year and she visits us occasionally with her husband and son.
As some other Gransnetters have said, I think it's good that your husband acknowledges how you feel about your stepson but it must be difficult that they talk so often on the phone. However, I can understand that he doesn't want to exclude him from his life and I agree that it sounds like your stepson could have mental issues.
Your husband sounds like a kind and fair man and I think the only thing you can do is to busy yourself when they chat and also ensure that you and your husband do lots of things together.
I am also at the point now where I want to exclude my step-daughter from my life so I may have to find other things to do when she visits and, at the moment, am not too sure what I will do when my husband wants to travel to see her.

It maybe he has mental health issues. Please don’t be too hard on him it must be difficult for you I know, but there is a problem there.

Does it angst you more because your DH is sticking by his son,while your sons father did not do so?maybe you could try explain that a little to your DH?Has your DH always treat your sons the same as his own?in which case then you cant complain too much,and maybe your DH is hoping to talk his son into/advise him to support his other child too,in time?Get an appt with a counsellor for your feelings,and then just give your husband and his son some time.Also,your DH doesnt want to risk losing his other grandchildren either.

We don't know what Gs life was like with his wandering wife? Perhaps she was at it all the time and G found comfort in the arms of another woman for a short while? Because he's the guy we assume and judge. At any rate that is his business. Everyone exaggerates at times, it's hardly a hanging offence. With all due respect to the opening poster, if you try to make your husband choose it may well backfire on you. Is it so bad for G to want his dad?

bytheway However badly a son or daughter has behaved - and I agree with you, he has behaved very underhandedly - most parents do not cut them out of their lives.

It sounds like your husband's son has some psychological/emotional issues - he certainly doesn't sound very mature or well balanced. Be that as it may, I can quite understand why you feel the way you do - I suspect I would feel similarly. I can also understand why you find his constant phone calls a challenge.

As others have said, though, your husband seems to respect and understand your point of view and accept the stance you are taking. Surely it demonstrates what a responsible and decent man he is to want to support his son, despite his many failings and the problems he has caused? I don't mean that he should constantly be accommodating his son's wishes and demands (eg if he asks for money or expects your husband to drop everything to sort out any problems he's got) but just being available to talk to him.

People sometimes feel overwhelmed by the hatred and resentment they are feeling and then feel guilty, which makes things even worse, so you should try not to beat yourself up about the way you feel. However, as this is making you so unhappy and seems to be affecting your feelings towards your husband also, perhaps, as other posters have suggested, talking it over with a counsellor and letting out all that hurt and anger would help.

Btw is need a therapist if all this was going on in our house ....your husband needs to take you out and away for the night and cherish you for goodness sake ! ... sorry but Marriage is so important .... don’t let anything ruin it .... offer help yes but there is only so much you can do

It’s all very well your husband continuing supporting his son but ... this son sounds toxic and it is going to put untold pressure on you both
Yes of course you are jealous ... he is an adult child and really needs to get some professional help ... even your husband cannot “fix” all that is happening to his son .... I feel for your predicament .... support yes but don’t let your stepson rule the roost which really he is beginning to do ... your relationship with your husband is important too ! ... fight for it ... I’m sorry but this son sounds like he needs a kick up the bottom ... your husband is pandering to him and enabling his behaviour ... he son needs to get help outside and get a life ....

Can you leave the room when he is on the phone with his son? If you can get engrossed in something in another room you might be able to stop focusing on it.
You really have to disassociate yourself from the conversation because, by your own choice and as a matter of fact, it is not really anything to do with you so why listen? He is not choosing your son over you. He is choosing you both. Most time presumably is with you but that time is for his son. You might even find that he will end the call sooner if he starts wondering where you are.

I have the same problem. It used to be that I would discuss the shortcomings of my stepson with DH but it never went down well and more often than not, even though DH could understand where I was coming from,he still didn’t like to hear it. Like you, stepson would ring and there they would be, DH and stepson chatting happily and I would get the rage! I really couldn’t cope with it after all the stepson had done and said. (We had some horrible times with him). I,too, contemplated divorce so that I could be ‘free’ of it all.

Then I learned how to disengage.
Any time stepson rang, I would leave the room to do something. Sort out dishes, clean bathroom, anything at all!
When DH would tell me anything about stepsons life, I would just say ‘oh, that’s good/nice’ whatever.
I don’t ask about him at all anymore.
I realised that I was part of the problem. I was allowing myself to get involved too much. I backed right off.
Left DH to deal with stepson.

It wasn’t easy. Takes a lot of practise. But eventually you realise how peaceful your life with DH becomes.
And I don’t want to divorce him anymore!

Yes to all of the above. He has his life and you have yours. You can choose to have very little contact but acknowledge your husband is his father so wants/and has involvement. For the sake of your husband be civil if ever an occasion arises that you meet, but tell your husband you do not wise to know if the comings and goings of his son's life. Try not to have jealously about their relationship as you have chosen not to have any input in it.Use the time of the telephone call to do something, wipe down in the kitchen,wash your hair or take a stroll around the garden - anything.

As a step-Mum I sort of understand your feelings of angst about your relationship, I find it harder to understand your feelings of jealousy. Regardless, I don't think any right thinking adult should get in the way with a parent/child relationship unless it is damaging for either of them.
Jealousy is a terribly destructive emotion for all involved so I would urge you to get some help to resolve that particular issue. I think if you did that, everything would fall into place and you could all be a lot happier.

Usually if we are feeling very strong difficult emotions then 90% of that is from unresolved issues from the past.

I admire your honesty bytheway - I've had stepchildren I hated and spent a lot of time dealing with the root of my feelings which was nothing to do with the adult children at all but all to do with the child in me that felt abandoned by my father.

It's ok to hate someone - that's just the way you feel and accepting our feelings is a way forward but learning to let these go can be more difficult. I found EFT helped. There are plenty of youtube videos to explore more.

If your husband felt pressured not to see his son because you don't like him, I think it would cause unnecessary problems between you. So, don't create trouble for yourself. It is better in the long run if you can try to just grin and bear it. Parental love is unconditional and it sounds like your husband knows this son is difficult but wants to stand by him anyway. I understand all your feelings as I've had them. My son sees his father after his father walked out on us just after his birth. I just have to put up with it, but it did take some getting used to and plenty of angry, jealous feelings.... Best of luck to you.

Don't have anything to do with him

I was angry at my GS's father about the way he behaved and understood why my daughter left him. My DH didn't seem to side with us and kept in friendly contact the him. But as he explained he want our GS to know his father and over the years this has worked out, the father was behaved better because of my DH's influence, he comes to our house to pick up his son when we are caring for him. My husband was always friendly, I usually kept out of the way.

Now my DH can see his faults more and I am polite and greet him, my GS enjoys time with his father, which would not have happened without our help. So in the end I agree with my DH, everything has worked out better for my GS who is the important person in all this and he at least knows his father and I can be polite for a few minutes.

What an unfortunate situation and I fully understand your feelings of anger and jealousy. One way forward for you could be to engross yourself in something you really enjoy and whenever your husband is chatting to his son, you disappear and ‘do your own thing’. This may help to distract you.

Can your DH not find a (mutually agreed with you) time and place to chat to his son when you are not around? And does it have to be every day?

I have friends who speak on the phone to their adult children every day - and others like myself who have a long phone catch up every week with each of theirs at a pre-arranged time - when we know we will not be interrupted! It's whatever works best for you and yours.

It says a lot for your husband that he accepts your views on his son, and you have not had a big argument about it. So he is respecting your feelings, and I think that you must do the same with him. When a parent cuts an AC out of their life for whatever reason, it must cause immeasurable pain. Don’t be within earshot when they chat on the phone, and yes get some help so that you can just come to terms with the situation.