Help/suggestions re My daughter

This might be a good time for you to think about how you communicate with your children. You say that you spoke to your son in the same way ( but with roles reversed if I got the meaning correctly ? You gave him the brush-off is how I read it). And you have been estranged from him since so whatever happened it was pretty final.

You mention , re your daughter, that you listen to her moans and whinges " in the hope that I may be able to offer a solution", and maybe this is where the problem lies. Instead of trying to solve her problems, maybe all she wants is for you to listen ...really listen...without immediately wading in with your own ideas and solutions to her situation.

I'd just back off for the time being, give her a break. Then when you see her again, just listen to what she has to say. You might be surprised at what you hear.

As Robbie Burns said, "Oh would some power the gift give us, To see ourselves as others see us. " Or in this case , to hear ourselves as others hear us.

Perhaps she was just busy and feeling fraught? Personally, I’d just brush it off and not say anything. Just give her a bit more space for a while.

It’s a shame about loosing contact with your son, perhaps after five years you could throw an olive branch in his direction?

Maybe you should of cut your telling of the tale to a sentence or two, someone in my close family can turn a very simple conversation into a saga including minute details that could be left out, it’s very wearing and I just want to say FGS get on with it.
I do agree with the others though that you should rethink how you interact with your kids as you don’t want the same thing to happen with your daughter.

I agree with tanith, maybe you need to look at the way you interact with your family.
Time for some honest conversation I think even if its a bit hurtful.

I agree with Tanith - my ex could turn a one - minute sentence into a half-hour marathon. I'd feel like screaming "For God's Sake get to the point !"

We have a friend who could turn a short story into a saga. It's irritating beyond belief but especially on days where you are not at your best.
Maybe your daughter was not at her best that day but even so I think you need to try to see yourself as others do and be super self critical as it sounds as if you may be at fault somehow or somewhere with the business with your son too .
Just accept that you may have been at fault and try to talk to your daughter about what she really thinks of you and what it is about you that irritates her. If you don't tread carefully you could end up having your daughter walk out of your life too so do whatever you can to prevent that . We all have faults , just find out what yours are and work on them .

Depti71.....I'm almost sure, your daughter was having a bad day, PMT or was just too busy to listen to your story. Very often when I talk to my daughter, she is in a totally different world, and I say , did you hear what I just said, and she says oh sorry mum, I was thinking of this or thinking of that. Youngsters have a tough life, as in my daughter's case, single mother etc.
However, I don't understand why your son has broken off contact with you just because, you "talk" a lot. That's hardly a reason for cutting you out of his life. Or, have I missed something ?

I'm almost, but not quite, speechless at the way your D spoke to you and TBH some of the 'reasons' respondents have given for her attitude.

Whether she was busy, having a bad day, enduring PMT or all 3 at the same time, there was IMO no need for her to be so rude. There are far more polite ways to cut a conversation short.

I'm so sorry that you're estranged from your son and GC and have been for 5 years. We are too for 5+ years and it's a terrible thing to have to live with.

When I read your post, I remembered the hours and hours I would spend listening to our ES "whinge and moan about everything under the sun", and I did so for exactly the same reasons that you do.

To be cut out for such a small thing is beyond cruel, as was our cut out although we still haven't been given the real reason(s) why. It made me for a time, think about my relationship with our other son. Should I behave differently? Should I be a different person, change from the person I'd been his entire life? I thought about those things because I was afraid we'd lose him too.

But I didn't change; too long in the tooth, too set in my ways, too stubborn or probably all 3 and yes, our relationship has changed. It's become stronger since we lost his brother; become more important to all 3 of us.

I understand you being worried about saying anything at all that might lead you to being cut out by your D, but is walking on eggshells the kind of relationship you want with her for the rest of your life?

Least said, soonest mended.

Don't take up the issue with your daughter, but next time she needs your help/ time/ listening ear, very pleasantly, very politely but very firmly be unavailable.
If she speaks to you rudely again, smile sweetly, and GO.

I agree with Smileless about how rude she was to you, inexcusable, and only you can decide if you think it is worth tolerating it for the sake of her company.

Yes, she was rude to you, but, having listened to my late MiL rabbiting on about people I didn't know and didn't want to know, I kind of know how she felt. But I invariably bit my tongue and managed to find something urgent to do. If I were you I'd overlook the incident and try to forget. A daughter is too precious to lose.

depti I think you are unlucky having adult children who seem to have so little respect for you or interest in your life.
Cut back on what you do for her, don’t be always accomodating, and try and get on with enjoying life with your friends who are interested in you, in future.

She was inexcusably rude but you may be like a couple of friends of mine who tell you the minute details of all they want to impart no matter how much you try to cut them short without giving offence.

I think she was incredibly rude. I had a similar incident a few years ago with my daughter....she didn’t actually come out and say it, but I was obvious from her manner than she wasn’t interested in what I had to say.

After this happened a few times I subtly gave up talking to her and just listened to her rabbiting on and just threw in the odd banal word now and again.

One day after this had been going on a few weeks she asked if everything was ok as I seemed very quiet lately. I replied I didn’t think she’d be interested in my little day to day happenings, but she assured me she would be! But I kept up the not saying much for a while longer and gradually she started asking me about my days.

I think the penny dropped, because she’s not a selfish woman, just very busy and tied up on her own family and life.

It’s up to you what tactic you adopt, but that worked for me.

All this about ‘working on your faults’ ! FGS....Don’t these
AC have faults that they should be working on!
When you know you have been a good parent( as opposed to a Saint) you expect and deserve some decent treatment back yourself, particularly if you are helpful to them even though they may be middle aged themselves (i.e. really beyond the time that older parents should be constantly helping out.) I think sometimes Mothers make a rod for their own backs.

If you usually get on well with your daughter, perhaps let it go just this once. If it happens again, I think you should say something but perhaps not at the time - wait until you are in a calm frame of mind. Ask her if she's OK perhaps. Maybe she was worried about something when she was rude to you which is not really any excuse but it could be the reason.

Good plan Old Meg one I shall bear in mind as I know however much they may ask they are not half as interested in me as I am in them and the grandchildren!

Varied answers, some valid.... my friends are sadly, experiencing the same problems, we spent hours deciding that we were "all in the same boat" as it were because we were all of similar dispositions. We took some courses offered by our local COTA who told us there are many, many of us because children and adults today are time poor, think we have hours to spare and want 20 second questions followed by 10 second answers. I didn't grow up in this world, I am an ex social worker and if I didn't let people tell their story I could not have worked on this principle. As for the person who said stop trying to assist, she wants me to solve everything from her household chores to how to budget !! I have spent time talking to her and asking her what annoys she has no answer, ever, other than "I don't know what I would do without you" ..... She tells us she asks because "We know" ......
What came out of the discussions with COTA was that she didn't receive support from her husband or children..... had always received support from me and her father and wanted and expected too much, learn to say "no" if I do that the same will happen, hence my question !!

Personally, I think your Ds response was extremely rude. However, if I have read your email correctly, you spoke to your son in the same way?
lf so, while I am sorry for you that there has been an estrangement, it would seem that your daughter has learned from you that it is acceptable to communicate in this way.
Presumably you discussed with her what occurred with her brother, and justified your words to him?
Perhaps she feels a similar justification, and would be very surprised that you are upset by it, given that you used a similar approach?

my children cut short my ramblings with "TMI" (too much information) - which is quite right - now I must use that on my OH who finds it impossible to get to the point and then repeats the whole thing again and again - drives me mad.

It was rude but are you saying that you were rude to your son? My mother told us the same stories over and over for years. We listened patiently. It would never have occurred to me to be rude and tell her she had already told me.

The thing is about children is that they think that they can say what they like to parents because they know they have unconditional love. However, when the tables are turned then all hell is let loose. Imagine how she would have reacted if you had said the same. It's important to communicate and perhaps ask her why she responded in such a way, tell her you were hurt. perhaps she was having a really off day although that is no excuse for rudeness and disrespect.

My daughter sometimes politely stops me in my tracks and tells me I have already told her that tale. My parents used to take an age to tell me theirs, and insist on getting every (unimportant ) detail right. Maybe you were just taking too long in her busy day?
I am not clear on what happened with your son but perhaps there are pointers there too?
None of this excuses their rudeness though.