First Visit

Likewise, in the UK the labour ward midwives are separate from the community midwives, so none of us know who will be delivering the baby until it happens.

As chance would have it, both of mine have been delivered with the same midwife in attendance but different consultants!

Well Kittyt when the GPs come at least you will find out how they perform in the laundry department . BTW if you are living in the UK ALL areas have midwives.

Sorry Kitty missed your "resolved" message! Well done !

I'm stunned that the idea of everyone in the delivery room was even considered a possibility ...and to be honest it suggests that other OTT expectations will kick in once the baby is born. It seems to me that you (and your husband) are spending too much time worrying about everyone else and their feelings and forgetting that this is a very special time in YOUR shared lives ...everyone else, however loving, is on the periphery of your little family and that is as it should be. You and OH need to be clear together about what you want ...and why does your OH desperately want them all to stay; what for ? is it fear of coping, fear of upsetting them ...or is he just not thinking of the reality a house with a new baby and you as a couple with a new baby?

Kitty, if your mum wants what’s best for you, she will follow your doctor’s advice and give you a few days’ peace.

Just keep that in mind, ok?

Well done Kittytella for resolving the situation. I wish you all the best.

However, as many threads here on Gransnet show, your fears are justified, and you foresee problems that can only too easily arise. But only you can decide how much time the grandparents should spend with your child, and this will show in the course of time.

Your baby might be a very demanding child and you might be glad of the GPs baby-sitting, once it is a year or so old. The grandparents might find that they can't cope and will prefer to keep the time with the child alone quite short.

These and many other factors will all affect the way the grandparents interact with the little one.

You have been able to talk to both sets of parents and persuade them this once - that is a good start. You may need to persuade them of other things later on, so keep the conversation going.

Your baby is lucky to have two sets of grandparents and you all sound a very balanced family.

Best wishes for the birth and the weeks afterwards! Enjoy your baby!

Oh that's lovely kittytella, I send my very best wishes to you all and, as sparkling said, please update us when your precious little bundle arrives

So pleased that this has been resolved Kittytella. Seems like the wise ladies at your church were truly your salvation. Thanks for bringing us up to date.
All the best for the birth and do post again when your baby is born (and when you have time) to let us know how it all went.

Hiho!

I thought I would update with a bit of an ending (if that is allowed) to this whole kerfuffle. I really want to thank all of you for your advice and support. I'm lucky enough to be involved in the Salvation Army and my church's ladies bible study - so I've had some time to gather a bit of 'real life' advice as well from women I respect quite deeply, and have been 'round the block on this matter from both sides.

The consensus does seem to be that this time is very important to all involved and should be a special family moment, as it is not everyday someone becomes a grandparent. However, it's also been emphasized that no one’s feelings or wants should come before my or the babes needs in the first few days/weeks. As a wise woman said over finger sandwiches last Sunday "grandparents have the child's whole life to fill their very special role, they can stand a few days longer waiting while you come to grips with being a mother for the first time.". She has many grandchildren and is very close to all her adult children, so it bolstered my resolution that asking for a bit of space was not an inflammatory or outrageous request.

I took the advice here and spoke to my Doctor (the area I live does not have midwives - you actually don't even know who is going to be delivering your baby until the day of!) about my concerns before my husband got to the appointment on Monday. She was able to firmly explain (without rating me out as the coward I am for not trying to speak to him directly about this again) that it is of utmost importance that new mothers and babes are given ample room to establish breastfeeding and so on, without any added stress. She emphasized his role after delivery was to ensure the environment he brought us both home to was as stress free as possible, and that he gave his utmost support in all aspect of ensuring this in order to avoid things such as PPD or complications with breastfeeding. This helped quite a bit, as hearing something from a professional means quite a bit more to him than feeling like little old me is just nagging and acting spoiled.

We’ve spoken to each of our respective parents and let them know they are welcome to come down, but our doctor has recommended a few days of quiet before family visits. We've worked out a lose "schedule" of sorts that factors in 3-7 days extra time before anyone visits (no one needs to take time off as they are all retired), and will still be telling them when I go into labor and when the babe is born. I got both grandmothers a necklace identifying them as such and a bottle of “Grandfather’s Best” scotch for the soon to be granddads, along with some baby items to keep at their places for when we visit, which definitely seemed to soften the blow. We will not be letting it go longer than a week at the most (and really, only a week if things take longer to adjust, and it would be in the best interest) before letting everyone come up, and I still feel a bit guilty as if I am withholding the experience from them, but it does feel much better to have some breathing room.

I could tell my mother was not super keen on the idea, but I’m sure if I just give her some extra attention over the next few weeks she will be alright - she's my mom after all, and only ever wants what's best for me. It my fault really for allowing everyone to get so excited and then change things at the last minute, so it’s understandable that feelings have been hurt. It’s up to me to right the boat so to speak, and I plan on doing that before babe comes along.

Hopefully if any other first time mothers are trolling google with the same problem they come across this thread and find a happy ending. I am not set to ‘pop’ for about a month now, but I am now looking forward to the experience much more - and the visit! Thanks very much Gransnet – if you made it till the end congratulations on reading what accidentally became a novella!

The problem here is firstly the attitude of your husband and secondly your subservience to both him and your respective families.
Your husband needs to recognise that this baby and birth is about YOU.
Not his parents.
Not your parents.
Why would you expect to be a host?
You are going to be a vulnerable new mother.
Your husband is there to look after you, not start a hotel from your home.

Well I agree with what most people have written. I wouldnt have deampt of being present at the labour of my GC but did expect the father in to let me know each time as soon as possible and with photos too. We went down to see the baby as soon as possible with permission but only stayed an hour or so. We then left them to it (my daughter made it quite clear that they wanted to be alone for the first couple of weeks) as nowadays husbands normally have 2 weeks leave.
What I did do in some cases was to come and visit for a few days after the dad had gone back to work and help with cooking.
My daughter made it clear what she wanted and we respected her wishes. She also brought the baby and came to stay with us at her request (DH) collected her) when the baby was a few weeks old and she was exhausted.
I think you need to let 5hem know what you want. Short visits only for first fortnight or staying nearby and helping with cooking washing houswork etc.
Good luck and I hope it all goes to plan.

My first was a breech birth and in those days you gave birth naturally no caesarians offered I was 8000 miles from home and totally on my own and as green as grass barely knew anything about babies or birth but I managed We just got on with things then it’s all so precious nowadays

But.....can anybody please explain why this generation of babies are so much harder work than previous ones?

I don’t remember all this angst ????

Hahha, that legendary DWIL thread. Never fails to make me grateful that NHS maternity services don’t have ‘waiting rooms’. Wait at home! The baby won’t vanish before visiting time!

@maddyone I know, some of the stories are jaw dropping. My DM was a nightmare for my sisters labour (first grandchild) so I knew to be strict for mine.

Oh my Lord mummymoo, I just read it. I’m rendered speechless (unusual for me )

Congratulations on your pending birth!

I haven’t read all the comments but I think it’s really unfair they want to gate crash your special moment. Yes they’re excited and it’s their first grandchild but it’s also your first baby. Labours are stressful and when you come home your newborn is going to need so much attention and you need to bond.

Also with breastfeeding it’s hard hard work and if baby losses weight it’s even harder. Both mine lost near or over 10% of birth weight so have a strict feeding routing to get things back on track. With midwife visits, health visitors and a baby that needed feeding every hour or so I couldn’t think of anything worse than having people staying with me.

I honestly feel you might regret it and if they loved and supported you like parents should they would understand if you need time before having people to stay.
I do know if your stressed it can have an affect of your milk supply.

And lastly I stumbled on this thread. It’s the worst of the worst but still something to keep in mind.

community.babycenter.com/post/a25798437/the_best_of_delivery_room_dramas?cpg=26

Ha ha, eazybee, I guess I was too preoccupied to care know. The icing on the cake was when he brought me two bunches of flowers the next day, and informed me that they were two for the price of one!
But we’re still together 44 years later, so he clearly has lots of good points too (one of them is that he puts up with me!)

Are you and your DH really planning on having your Father/Father in law watch you giving birth? Being stitched? Giving birth is emotional but also very messy and intimate, do you really want your vagina on display to your in laws? You are not one of Henry Viii's queens and the birth does not need to be witnessed.

Just remember that this is YOUR baby not theirs. And bear in mind that childbirth tends to be painful and messy and carries on like that for a while after you get home (I'd forgotten the joys of stitches and a rubber ring!) I was delighted to find my lovely GP on the doorstep the day after I gave birth to my second baby. He came in had a quick look at me, told me I was wonderful and went away! That's the sort of visitor you want.

eazybee

My aunt had her mum in the room when my oldest cousin was born. Her mum was working on a quilt. She was planning to leave when it came time to push, but my aunt had a really fast labour (only 4 hours) so there wasn't time. The quilt is now hanging on my aunt and uncle's wall and my aunt knows which square her mum was working on when my cousin was born!

Well if they must come, and it might not be easy to tell them not to, then throw the ball back into their court and explain how busy, tired and new mumish you will be and you are relying on them to look after themselves and each other. I bet they’d love to take over your kitchen (rather than baby) and perhaps their presence will give you time to look after yourself (have a shower, wash hair, take a nap) while they take baby out for a walk or go shopping for you

That’s how it worked for our first GC. My daughter invited us to stay for 3 weeks (I’d have preferred to wait) but that was her decision and we did what we could to ease her into parenthood.
,

I suggest the GP join Gransnet so they can read this.

What sort of GPs are they if they expect to both come and visit and stay together in your house. Maybe they don't think it is a good idea but are doing it because they think thus is what you want.

Marking and school reports in the delivery suite.
Oh my word, Maddyone!
Were his comments really focused, do you think?
Could do better.
Unable to sustain attention.
Doesn't appear to have a clear grasp of the subject.
Lacks the ability to concentrate.
Easily distracted.

Am I right in thinking OP is still in the early-ish months of pregnancy? Second trimester perhaps?
When you imagine you will pop the baby out in a couple of hours at most, hypnobirthing will see you through (DD did that) and of course your playlist, maybe scented candles or at worst a puff of gas and air and in no time at all you will be leaning back on your pillows like Demelza with this gorgeous bundle in your arms.
Please be realistic and do not make plans for the immediate post-partum period in advance. Even the best thought out birth plans get ripped up. If you are doing NCT classes or hypnobirthing listen to your teacher and for goodness sake disabuse your OH of any ideas about opening up the birthing suite to the family!