I’m a 38yr old male dating a 21yr old female

It looks like you've decided to do the right thing, King (pardon the rhyme). If she feels as strong a connection as you do, chances are, she'll forgive the lie and continue the relationship. Even if she gets angry at first or wants some time to think it over, the strong sense of connection will probably pull her back to you. If she decides to cut you off, period, then she probably didn't feel quite the same way and it just wasn't meant to be. Good luck!

If you're really serious about each other you need to come clean. I know a fantastic guy who is much older than you and engaged to a 21 year old. Nothing wrong with the age difference if it works for both of you but the longer you leave it the worse the truth will be and you could both end up being hurt.

Haven't most people lied about their age at some point?

It isn't the worst possible 'lie' in the world and doesn't automatically mean you can't be trusted about anything else.

Thing is IF you are really serious about moving forward in this relationship you will have to come clean and the sooner the better. Up to her then. If she feels the same way as you, the age difference won't matter because let's face it if she hasn't guessed you are ten years older than you said....you must be wearing well Good luck

Tell her the way you said it on here, if she doesnt want to be with you because of your age then it was not meant to be similarly if it is because you lied and she doesnt get why then maybe she is a little too immature for you. Good luck I hope it goes well.

Or maybe just start talking about being in your thirty-ninth year, which you are, already, without any reference to what you said earlier unless a quibble comes up.

I've been rewatching some Jeeves and Wooster lately. Thinking on approaches to problems used in those stories, I suggest this: wait till near your birthday and, if you're still together, tell her straight out that it's your 39th birthday next week/tomorrow/whatever. If she says she thought you were twenty-nine, you can say that you were that ten years ago.

You have to clear it up somehow.

And remember this: these grans on here are always saying that age is "just a number". I don't actually agree with that view but it seems quite a commonly held one. The gap in your ages is less than of several long-standing couples I've known.

I know I came to wrong forum for advice but like someone mentioned I needed some wise advice from wise grannies. Even though I already know I have to tell her the truth, and let her decide if she wants to continue to be with me. I appreciate all the great advice from everyone. I’ll let you guys know the outcome. ?

Thank you Marydoll!

Interesting user name king! You wouldn't be trying to wind us up would you?!!!
I notice you have not popped back in to check on the wealth of advice our kind gransnetters have provided.

Nothing wrong with age differences....however, there is so much wrong with a tendency to be less than honest. All relationships are built on respect and trust no matter how passionate they become. Lack of openness and honesty will always come back to bite, sometimes its sooner sometimes later but it will happen. The only way around this is to own up, be totally open and honest and just hope you can built some real trust. Being economical with the truth, being a bit vague and hoping for the best....its all dishonesty in one form or another. It never has to be a big fat lie....it all has the same effect, trust is either destroyed or never fully built.
Yes, I might sound a bit brutal, and no I'm not bitter (just a little older and wiser) but I have learned that no matter what the faults of a person or a relationship are, true intimacy is all about trust.

OW70

Is the OP asking for advice or boasting

It may be a wind up but is a totally plausible situation and in real life I have known far far worse tangles than this.
In any case the failure rate of couples a similar age is alarmingly high these days.

What a load of old cobblers. Why do people do this?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Who needs Agony Aunts when you can have Agony Grans! A KING size stuffup huh? You know the answer. It's not about the age difference it's all about the lie. Tell the young woman the truth and do it now. The longer the lie goes on the worse it will be. And don't bother with all the rambling self justifications in the post. You have lost a lot of ground in the trust department. The thoughts the woman will be thinking are along the lines of 'this guy lies when it suits him, what else will he lie about?'. It is up to the young woman how she deals with this. If she says goodbye then that's it. Maybe you will learn a lesson or two; lessons such as actions have consequences and lying is a very, very bad way to start a relationship.

Beautifully put Elegran

Come clean. It is never a good idea to tell lies, either to nice young women you are trying to impress or to nice old ones you hope will help you get out of the mess you have made for yourself. Most women have radar that detects a porkie. Those who are too trusting to catch you out don't deserve to be conned.

Hallmarks of a wind-up ??

I wasn't a good idea to lie but my daughter is married to someone 16 years older than her and they are happy

King, quite a confident character then?

You have 2 problems the lie and the age difference tackle the lie first, tell her your real age now then give her a few weeks to change her mind about you if she wants to. It is entirely possible that she has already worked that out, young women are not stupid

Men around 40 are very attractive to many young women they are more settled, mature and have more money, from the security point of view they are a good risk.

One of my nephews on my husbands side aged 41 married a 21 yr old two yrs ago. He is a regular guy sociable, hard worker, moderate drinker, nothing bad that I know of. She is not a typical 21 yr old, mature well beyond her years, works at least a hard as him also sociable and a moderate drinker and vows never to have children, despite the age difference the seem a good match.

2 years on they always socialise together and it is clear that she is the boss and he seems happy to accept that, you can never really tell but I think they will stay together.

So from your point of view it all depends what your girlfriends goal is and will that fit in with your ambitions. So assuming she still wants you when she knows your real age, make sure that her life plan is compatable with yours.
D

Perhaps King thinks we grannies are full of wisdom and will tell it as it is!

Why are you on Gransnet ? Are you a 38 year old grandad ?
Has this been mistaken for an ‘agony Granny site ‘

King, you have got yourself into a difficult situation. Lying isn't a good basis for a relationship.
The first thing you have to do is "come clean" before the relationship becomes any deeper. I wouldn't just blurt it out, but find somewhere where you can have a chat quietly and without an audience if it does go badly. Hopefully it won't.
She may need time to go away and think about it.
If she really cares about you, she won't finish with you, if she does, then it's better to know now.
My friend's daughter was in a similar position, she was thirty and he was fifty. They are now married with a beautiful wee daughter, so don't give up.
Good luck!