Interfering or concern

I am organise and can be controlling but there comes a time when our children are grown and need to make their own decision, we are there to listen and support and only give advice when asked.
Sometimes it's best to bite your tongue.

Recognising this failing is the first step to addressing it.
You know what you have to do, don’t you?
Good luck!

I understand how tempting it is to try to protect AC from life's difficult situations. I am watching my own DD trapped in a dreadful non relationship. All I can do is be here as practical support when it is requested. To manage my instinct to storm in and try to sort it I have to ask myself ' What would I have wanted my mum to do ?" I would not have wanted her to take over my decisions, force the pace etc. I would want her to be honest and practical when I asked for help or advice. That is what I am doing. My DD is an adult.. she has to deal with it in her way. But she knows I am here if she wants to talk.

I think you have answered your own question - by remebering how you felt when your own mother behaved the same way - you have to butt out and leave them to make their own mistakes, I'm afraid...

I only offer advice when asked and never expect them to act on what I say.Its just a different point of view they want not someone telling them how to do things.Try to step back,your relationship with them will be better for it .

I’m quite interested that you feel responsible for what happens if you don’t give advice but you don’t feel the same “what if it goes wrong” when you do tell them what to do.

You must be very confident. I think Im the opposite. Suppose I gave advice and I got it wrong!

letting my AC talk incredibly hard if they are in trouble or pain and there is no advice or solution to be offered. I don't know how others handle it.

I'm afraid that there does come a time when we have to see our adult children as equal adults to ourselves. Hard I know but that is the way they learn to deal with life's problems. I have a son going through a marriage break up at the moment. If he wants to talk about it he knows that he can talk to me at any time and does. I don't give advice though unless it is asked for, which is not often. Not easy.

My daughter is like that, often telling people what they should/should not be doing. She also gives unwanted advice or opinions, sometimes you just want to rant or moan and not have somebody try to fix things.

My answer, sadly , is to not see her so much and not talk about anything of importance or that is negative.

This will happen to you if you do not change, I would suggest that you tell your son that you are aware of the way you behave and to pull you up on it when you do it.
This is going to be frustrating and upsetting for you but it may help. Its never to late to change. Hope you can sort things before it becomes as strained as my daughter and I.

Thanks JudyJudy12 and everyone for your comments, I agree that I need to stand back, and am going to make myself a promise to do so...also to think before I speak. I need to let go now before this gets any worse, and it will be difficult to do so.

I agree with the 'stand back' comments but find it impossible if the situation threatens the welfare of my DGCs!
Blatant irresponsibility has to draw criticism!

A number of things strike me about your post. The assumption that everything you advise is correct. You could be regularly giving very bad advice that could cause bad things to happen to your family. Is that enough to make you think twice?

If you are convinced you are always right, then you possibly have a problem that counselling or psychological therapy might help.

You also give us no idea what subjects you are covering. Are you trying to micromanage their lives with instructions how to care for their children, or what food they eat, or where they go? Or do you limit yourself to major decisions, like house and car purchase, job changes?

Sometimes it is not what you say, but the way that you say it.

Thanks M0nica I left out details but safe to say that they are observations more than " I am right". However it is my choice how I say it (if at all) and I think you have have a point there, these areas are not always clear cut.

You say that you're worried that if you don't give advice something bad might happen. This sounds almost as if you might have a bit of an anxiety disorder, such as generalized anxiety or OCD. Even if you don't have a clinical disorder, it seems that you do recognize you have a problem.

I would agree with M0nica that counselling would be a good option. If this is a recent thing, I would also suggest seeing your provider for a complete checkup. Sometimes physical problems (e.g. hyperthyroidism) can cause anxiety.

Yes I do have this it runs in the family...:-) I use meditation to keep anxiety under control , but when I am stressed it comes out more and I have had a pretty stressful time lately.

Thanks all for your comments, it has helped put things into perspective for me....

Are you for real?

Back off and let them get on with their lives and get on with yours. And learn to bite your tongue. Most of us learned that a long time ago.

You are right to feel concern, but wrong if you interfere.

I often think that if I didn't 'bite my tongue' with my family my life with my 3 adult children would not be as harmonious as it is.
It's the only way, in my opinion.
Good Luck!

Can you possibly let go of that feeling of being "responsible" for their lives, Kiki? Perhaps every time you get that feeling, let that be your cue to do the opposite and bite your tongue? Remind yourself that ds and ddl are adults and can figure things out on their own. Please remember, too, that what worked for you might not work for them.

I notice that there was a whole week of your giving unsolicited advice to ds that culminated in a major discussion last night. That tells me that you and ds were contacting each other every day. Was that just this past week or is this the norm for you people? If it's the norm, some parents/gps would give their eye teeth for that! But it might be too much for your relationship with ds., especially if he's going to bring you his problems. He may be used to doing that from when he was a kid or a single young man. But he has a wife now, imo, he should be talking things over with her.

You may want to let ds know that it would help if you two cut back on communication. Then you wouldn't be tempted as often to give unasked-for advice. Also, you may want to ask him to give you fewer details about his problems or, even better, avoid telling you about them, at all. Let him know that when you hear he has a problem, you want to "fix it" - so perhaps better if you stick to more lightweight topics. Or if he begins to vent to you, listen for a minute or two, say something sympathetic like, "Aww" or whatever, and then change the subject to something more pleasant.

I would try listening more and commenting less. Ask them questions and let them talk about themselves and their lives. Rather than telling them what they should do ask them what they are going to do.

Kikibee, its impossible to lose the sense of responsibility for our children completely no matter how old they are, I certainly can't shake it not matter what!
I really do have to reign myself in as I don't feel it's fair on any of us, I have 2 boys and get on well with my DIL's but they are their own family units now and although we are always here for them if needed we cant and shouldn't try and solve everything.

Don't run away just take a step back now and then and I'm sure they will work it out, I think back to how life was when we were a new young family, working through the tough stuff together is what has made us the people we are today ?

It sounds like you are doing it in an OCD way.

Have you had a trauma?

After something horrible happened to someone close to me I developed certain "habits" around my loved ones, nothing too crazy just little things like saying "see you soon" instead of "goodbye" as a mechanism to feel some sort of control. To feel like I could protect them from harm.

Your posts sound similar, like your "advice" makes you feel like you can prevent bad things from happening.

You are recognising it which is a start. The next step is to keep reminding yourself not to act on it. The more you practice acting on it less the more the compulsion will fade x

99% of parents are never going to do anything that would harm their children.

Oh bless you, you sound incredibly loving and caring. What did your son say about it all, do they feel that your interfering?