Not another one!

I am really feeling the cringe.

I am r

"I know all these men well over many years, I meet them mostly at family weddings and parties"

Oh honey, that ISN'T knowing them. You have no idea what they are like at home or if they've cheated on their wives or any of that. And you probably know their wives even less. They're your nephews and you love them and are supportive of them. And that's as it should be, imo. But please don't judge their wives.

"I don't really care wether any of you think I was weak for not chucking him out, or strong for staying with him, that's what happened and about half the wives don't divorce."

I respect your decision. But that doesn't mean that your nephews' wives had to make the same one. Are you sure you're not just upset because they didn't?

Nonnie, no one said it's "always the man's fault." Of course, it's possible that all 3 of these nephews are easy to take advantage of. (I don't think it's likely, however, for 3 men to be the same even if brought up the same way.) We're just saying not to assume that it's always the woman's fault or that every woman is, at heart, a gold digger.

Oh dear, I just read your posts about your own story, and now I see the reason for the cynical comments. You're looking through a very skewed lens. I know it's hard not to look at others through your own painful past experience, but please try not to.

Dianna, I haven't read all the posts, but imo, your comments about relationships are very cynical. It's very common for the mother to get the house in a divorce when kids are little. The courts don't like to kick the kids out and usually accept that the mother stays with them. It doesn't mean they schemed to ditch the husband and keep the house.

No matter how wonderful your nephews may be, you still have no idea what goes on in their marriages. Also, except for the fact that 3 of them are getting a divorce and the wife is getting the house, their situations all sound fairly different.

Also, how do you know all 3 wives "kicked" the man out of the house. Because that's what your nephews say? It's possible that one or two of them agreed to separate, and the men just assumed they had to leave and let mum stay with the kids.

Maybe all 3 of your nephews chose cold, materialistic women for wives, and all 3 wives are being totally selfish and cruel. But you (general) can't know a situation from the outside or from hearing one side of the story. So please don't try.

Meanwhile, glad things worked out well for dd!

That is one of the saddest posts I've read on gransnet Diana.

My nephews problems were they had married out of their league, money was the attraction all along.

Brainless, this tart was not a serious contender he would have got bored within a couple of months, if it had been a serious prospect that he had got into an emotional relationship with it would have been much harder - I was lucky.

My husband was a keen rugby player and at 32 he was team captain and a very attractive man, I was a busy mother of 3 kids doting on them, we were both happy in what we were doing but not really doing much together. After a match he stayed at the club with the lads, or so I thought but it wasn't just the lads.
After the affair I decided to do more with him, it was not practical to takes the kids to watch a match so I decided to get a baby sitter organized and join him after at around 7pm, he knew I was joining him. It was then I realized how naive I had been, there were about a dozen girls dressed to attract obviously hunting for a man, that changed my outlook.
Next day I looked in the mirror and realized how much I had let myself slip, sloppy was my description I would never have looked like that before we were married. So I lost a good stone of baby weight, put make up on properly dressed better, the next time I joined him at the rugby club I was a confident wife, the men of course didn't notice, but the women definitely did. So I reinvented myself, chucked my old drab nighties out and bought some nice boxer shorts and slept without a top, that livened up the bedroom.

From then onwards it was much easier to manage him, the balance of the relationship had changed in my favour and getting him to do what I wanted was never a problem and we became very close. I'm not glad it happened but it did make me reinvent myself and think like a "girlfriend" to be won, not a wife to be taken for granted.

Interesting that it was "a brainless little scrubber " who was at fault and NOT your husband.It takes two ,just as it takes two to make a success of a marriage .Maybe thats where your husbands nephews are going wrong,they dont work at their marriages .

Interesting Diana
I wonder if your own experiences have coloured your views about men and about 'the other woman'.

In the end, you feel you made the right decision. A close friend of mine did the same when her husband had an affair and I think the decision for her was the right one too.

There are always two sides to a story but I do think that infidelity for no reason is difficult to deal with.

P.s. at the HIGHER end of the range, statutory child maintenance payments from non res to res parent is about 12% of the non resident parents income.

So how on earth do you figure that going from having your other half's whole income coming into the house to having to run it with just 12% of their income being contributed (if you're lucky and get the higher amount, it's often closer to 8%) is some kind of get rich quick (or slow in the case of your examples: waiting until school age) scheme?

It just makes no sense!

Either you see things through incredibly jaded eyes or else your nephews are taking advantage of your lack of exposure to other peoples lives in order to paint you a picture that most people would recognise as not ringing true so that they can talk themselves up.

Quite ironic that you came on here to bitch about other women (and rank your daughters attractiveness) then you say that other women are bitchy and gossipey.

But it might explain your odd outlook on divorce since you may not have held many hands through it.

Here's the thing, just because your nephews have come through a divorce worse off doesn't mean that their wives come out better off.

Usually the only people who gain financially from a divorce are the landlords and the solicitors.

Financially divorce tends to have two losers not a winner and a loser. Split assets have less actual value than shared.

One adult running a family home with maintenance payments will be worse off than two adults sharing the costs of running a family home. It is a huge burden and the resident parent is often less free to consider cheaper accommodation options to save money than the non res parent.

Far from divorce and single parenthood being a profitable venture, it is actually a luxury that many can ill afford. It is financially harder than ever to split up (well not ever.... but certainly harder now for young families than for the generation that preceeded them.)

Diana 54, An interesting post. I stayed with my husband too after his affair, but I still feel humiliated by it and have lost respect for him. I just don't feel that he can ever be my best friend as he put another woman before me and our children. The discovery of the affair was so shocking for me that I've never got over it. I would never judge anyone else in my position though, as no-one can know the reasons for the decisions we take. I think Gransnetters give really good advice but I wish they wouldn't go on the attack. Some of us may just have more emotional intelligence than others and none of is too old to learn. We should all be able to take in someone else's point of view then have a word with ourselves.

I wasn't going to come back on this but one post was interesting, "do I like other women". To be honest not much I have maybe 6 close friends that I trust and confide in, otherwise the rest are just acquaintances. The problem with women is that so many are gossiping bitches with nasty minds ready to put the worst outcome on any issue, and that has been shown in these posts.

My husband had an affair too, I was lucky it was a brainless little scrubber that had got to him when he had too much booze, she didn't hang around. I didn't kick him out , I loved him, had 3 children by him and I really didn't want to be another divorced woman, so I gave him hell for a couple of weeks then let him make amends. With hindsight I made the right decision, did I trust him, not totally, I made sure I socialised closely and as far as I know he never did stray again.
I don't really care wether any of you think I was weak for not chucking him out, or strong for staying with him, that's what happened and about half the wives don't divorce.
So we raised the three girls together and saw them married to good husbands and I think most mothers would be pleased their daughters were happy. We see a lot of conflict on theses pages involving mothers in law, in our case all 3 get on well with their I laws, and again most mothers would be pleased

I have had a happy life and seen my children have happiness and 8 grandchildren, all seem to be normal well balanced kids. I had no special advantages, the decisions I made along the way we're the right ones, if I don't like or trust any particular person that's tough. Don't we all do that or are some of us liars.!

Rachel no one on here is thinking that men are all wrong and that women all right , all people are trying to point out is Diane hasn’t a clue who s right and who is wrong as she is not involved in any of the marriages she is an outside observer and has made strong judgements with no facts she basis the fact that the women are ‘wronguns’ on the fact that she knows these young me are lovely as she sees them at family do s!

Get on with your own life Diane and stop twitching the net curtains peering into others lives to make snap judgments

I feel sorry for them Diana. Just because they are male doesn't mean they must be in the wrong. That seems to be a common theme these days - criticising men. I'm sure there are just as many women who are selfish and unkind as there are men.
I myself know of very young children with very unkind stepmothers for example.
We don't know the nephews and you do, and if they are kind gentle caring men I hope they find happiness again one day.

Wow... if I am right, you must not have any daughters and you have no relationship with your nephew's wives.

My husband cheated, he obviously never told his family because it's shameful. I reckon this could be your nephews too.

Your post is really quite nasty.

I can’t help feeling that the OP doesn’t have a very good opinion of women. Even the one who puts up with the partner who treats her badly, yet stays must be a gold digger. I honestly don’t know what to think! But as most have said, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I would never in a million years have suspected one of my sons in law would have cheated on my daughter, but he did! Thank goodness she threw him out, although we all get on great now.

Thank you for your comments Gransnetters I shall bear them in mind in future.

the problem men are the ones that drink too much getting aggressive and abusive, putting their own wives down, shouting at the children in company

Really? You are old enough to be a grandmother but still think there is only one way a man can make his wife's life a misery?

However, as has already been said, none of us, including yourself, Diana, know what happened between closed doors in these marriages but the houses and child maintenance are for the children.

And from what I understand the only way a woman would get to keep a house in a divorce would be in exchange for some other marital asset or merely being allowed to live there with the children until the youngest turns eighteen when it will be sold and the proceeds shared with the husband.

I was brought up by my mother when she kicked my father out because he took his mistress on holiday when my brother and I had never had a holiday in our lives. We suffered poverty and my self esteem has been affected by our circumstances. Children need two parents but that isn't always possible. I think the current generation of young parents very selfish; they seem to put their own happiness before that of their children. We shouldn't judge though because most marriages are mysteries.

....you know what, I’m off to make DH his favourite tea tonight, because for whatever faults he has, this has reminded me I’m really lucky.

Has it not occurred to any of you that the three men, all brought up together may have been brought up to be kind, considerate and caring to the extent that they have all been taken advantage of? It works both ways. They may have all have the traits which make them easy to take advantage of. Why do so many always think it is the man's fault? And before you jump to the conclusion I am blaming the women involved, I'm not, I'm just saying men are often victims too. Can you imagine the man who has been brought up to be kind to women, to hold doors, be caring etc who finds himself with a wife who is a bully? He won't hit back because it is against all he has been brought up to be, he doesn't know how to cope with a demanding, controlling woman. I am really struggling with some of the posts on here.

Diana, you talk about your daughter as if she's a brood mare., why stick with someone for 6 years wanting to marry him, then keep getting pregnant in order to catch him. Glad it wasn't my son. Who is manipulative in that scenario, I take it the other two not pretty girls are sitting at home seething.?

Is it just me ? If I had 3 girls, I just wouldn't say who was the prettiest...they would all be pretty to me, but then I live in an ideal world.
I suppose the ladies are justified, because that's perhaps the truth and even her sisters probably accept she is the prettiest

she was the prettiest of my 3 and a lovely temperament.

Oh, this made me laugh! Is she a thoroughbred?