Not another one!

I am very sorry for all of you that have had bad experiences and think that women are always right and men are always wrong.

That is very judgemental Diana54 - some of us know there are always two sides to every story and don't necessarily have to experience things ourselves to realise that.

Jamalia, I know all these men well over many years, I meet them mostly at family weddings and parties,
Seeing people at parties and weddings is not really getting to know them in any real sense of the phrase, though, is it.

And my name is Jalima btw

I know all these men well over many years, I meet them mostly at family weddings and parties

So your sweeping judgements are made by viewing their behaviour when they are out enjoying themselves. My sister was married to someone who worked hard...when she was having her second miscarriage, when she was bleeding to death when the hospital missed the fact she was carrying twins and didn't do the job properly. My SIL works hard...so that every dinner time is late is late at night because he forgets to come home, so that every weekend is spent waiting for him to come home. Both the women in these scenarios might have been well provided for but the are terribly lonely when life is pitching them a curve ball. It doesn't necessarily make a man a bad person because he works hard but it can make life very tough for the person holding up the parenting end of the job.

I am very sorry for all of you that have had bad experiences and think that women are always right and men are always wrong.
That's not what people are saying.
They are saying that you dont know what your nephews are like as partners behind closed doors.
And.
Your gold digging theory makes no sense. They must be very bad at maths if they think having children will make them richer

A married woman has all the cards stacked on her side
?

"career women in their 30's worst of all'

wow, just wow

the problem men are the ones that drink too much getting aggressive and abusive, putting their own wives down, shouting at the children in company

Wow you really DON'T have friends that confide in you do you?

Good god you couldn't be more wrong.
It is the "street angels" that are the "house devils". For the ones that "let it all hang out" that's often as bad as it gets, but for the REALLY abusive ones, presenting an outer image of charm is actually part of the abuse!

Gransnetters don’t be so judgemental Young women these days want it all and they can use every trick in the book to get it
haha Cant get much more judgemental than that

Jamalia, I know all these men well over many years, I meet them mostly at family weddings and parties, the problem men are the ones that drink too much getting aggressive and abusive, putting their own wives down, shouting at the children in company. I've never seen them do that, the thing they have in common is that they are are too trusting and generous they worked hard to provide their wives with a good lifestyle.
I am very sorry for all of you that have had bad experiences and think that women are always right and men are always wrong. A married woman has all the cards stacked on her side and if the man has any kind of money he is at risk, dependant on her good will, the views expressed have hardened my view that men should avoid marriage. Which is what is happening in practice, men are becoming much more streetwise, more and more women cannot find a partner, career women in their 30s worst of all.

what they don't like is being kicked out for no good reason.

You know what? Sometimes it is more a case of no good reason to stay together.

You describe them as being out at work a lot and it sounds like that defined them a bit. Maybe the wives felt like they were living like single mums anyway, just without the freedom to find proper companionship.

Thats just one possibility among many!

Goodness talk about the long game. Would these women really go through all that to get a house, sounds exhausting.

As my mum used to say ‘you don’t know anyone until you live with them’. Very cynical of you and quite unfair.

what they don't like is being kicked out for no good reason.
Ah - presumably you have only heard one side of the three stories?

If 3 men from the same extended family all have the same problem, I would be asking if they were all raised with the same bad attitudes.
And the fourth nephew:
That leaves just one nephew that is still with his family, he is a character I don't much like and refuses to marry his girlfriend. He dominates her and regards their 3 kids as "her" children, they have been together for 15 yrs, live in a rented house, even though he has a well paid job and could afford to buy easily.

Well, he sounds like a real charmer - and how do you know that the other three did not behave in the same way behind closed doors?

Really, however unhappy you feel, it is none of your business and, as others have said, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

It is any children of the relationships who should be most of concern.

On a happier note my youngest daughter had the opposite problem, she was the prettiest of my 3 and a lovely temperament. Started dating her husband at 18, he is tall, dark, very good looking ( I fancied him myself) and there is a lot of money in the family, the perfect SIL.

this is a joke yes?

Don't be so judgmental Gransnetters - young women today want it all - and they can use every trick in the book to get it

nice

I don't know why I quoted twice! ?

As my mother would have said, handsome is as handsome does.

On a happier note my youngest daughter had the opposite problem, she was the prettiest of my 3 and a lovely temperament. Started dating her husband at 18, he is tall, dark, very good looking ( I fancied him myself) and there is a lot of money in the family, the perfect SIL.

On a happier note my youngest daughter had the opposite problem, she was the prettiest of my 3 and a lovely temperament. Started dating her husband at 18, he is tall, dark, very good looking ( I fancied him myself) and there is a lot of money in the family, the perfect SIL.


I think this says it all! Yardsticks come to mind.

They didn't resent the children being in the house, nor paying child maintenence, what they don't like is being kicked out for no good reason.
I'm actually quite surprised that so many of you are taking the woman's side, Im a good judge of men and they did not deserve to be treated that way.

On a happier note my youngest daughter had the opposite problem, she was the prettiest of my 3 and a lovely temperament. Started dating her husband at 18, he is tall, dark, very good looking ( I fancied him myself) and there is a lot of money in the family, the perfect SIL.
The problem was he refused to marry her, she stuck it out for 6 yrs then walked out and went backpacking, then after 3 months went back to him. Still no marriage, so she got pregnant, son born, no marriage, pregnant again, then at about 6 months gone I got a phone call one Monday, " mum do you want to come to a wedding on Friday". That was it both sets of parents, two witnesses and a pub lunch afterwards.
His mother had put her foot down and told him to get married, they now have 4 children, MIL is best friend and helps a lot with the children. It all worked out in the end despite the frustrations

I had a friend married to a man with two brothers. All three of them ended up divorced. They had grown up with a violent father and two of them followed in his footsteps and used violence against their wives. My friend's husband didn't but he could be oppressive and shouted a lot. She commented when they separated that the children were so relieved that their father no longer lived at home. When I met these me men they were all very pleasant and good company, although I did witness one scene when staying with my friend. Not frightening, but unpleasant.

As several people have said. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

Diana54 I can't believe the amount of vitriole directed at you in this thread! Whatever has Gransnet come to to generate so many nasty, unsympathetic responses to a scenario that is clearly troubling you.
I have experienced precisely this in my family. We could never understand why a thirty something successful business woman would choose our unambitious but hardworking guy who she picked up in a bar. The wedding was quickly planned, and she demanded that her clock was ticking so they immediately tried for a baby. She kept her high powered job, he became the duty parent whilst working part time in his own business. As soon as the second child reached school age, she announced that she wanted a divorce and ordered him to leave with his personal belongings. He had done nothing - except perhaps not be dynamic enough for her. She tried to get out of giving him his share of the equity in the house. She tried to alienate him with their children. She levered in her parents to do the after school and holiday care. He was forced to fight for access to his children, and his rights to equity, but he did it, nearly bankrupting himself in the process. Four years later, he has his own little house and his children have a part time but regular life with him. He's permanently broke as a result. She immediately took up with a high powered businessman she met online.
Don't be so judgmental Gransnetters - young women today want it all - and they can use every trick in the book to get it.

Some seem to assume that the woman is always good and always well motivated, not so!

Women do not need to be saints in order for it to be CORRECT that the resident parent gets the family home and maintenance. Their character doesnt come into it either way. So actually no, the ex wives werent judged to be nice or good people because that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that they are the resident parents and as such it is not "gold digging" to expect the family home plus maintenance plus a share of pension if their early years care enabled their ex to work non child friendly hours.

If the three kicked out nephews are three brothers they must have faults in common, bad enough for all of them to be kicked out.

I am really surprised at some of the judgmental comments telling the OP not to be judgmental! I don't know the details of the situation but I suspect the OP knows more than she is saying.

Some seem to assume that the woman is always good and always well motivated, not so! Some men really are good fathers and some women really do take advantage. It works both ways and it is not unknown for a woman to choose a partner purely as a sperm donor. I don't know if this is the case but I do feel we could all be a little kinder to the OP.

A policeman told me his brother committed suicide because of a wife who behaved just as the OP has suggested has happened to her nephews. Please bear in mind the woman holds all the cards in these situations.

Diana I understand your concerns about the future family lives of your DGSs. The answer to your question is to try and 'teach' our young menfolk how to be good husbands and fathers before they settle down.
(And yes life as a single mum is hell, as is bringing up your kids with someone other than their dad)

I think the OP must not have many friends who trust her with the complexity of their lives if she thinks that the "street view" tends to match what is going on (goid and bad) with couples behind doors.