Grumpy daughter .Part 2

Thank you LauraGransnet cornergran, Starlady and crazyH - I live alone now with some help during the week to keep me afloat - yes it's possible there is some sibling rivalry actually, they have always fought to be honest!

I’m so sorry you’re managing this tension again washerwoman. You sound more hopeful in your recent post and I’m pleased. Family tensions are horrible, there’s no excuse for rudeness but I think there’s a universal tendency to be less careful with the person or people we know will always love us no matter what. It sounds as if your daughter will listen to your husband, or at least take some notice. That’s a positive. When it gets too much again then do tell us, someone will always be here to listen. You’ve done a lot for your daughter and I guess always will, you’re her Mum and love her and her family. I can only hope the settled times outnumber the difficult days but do look after yourself as well.

lottagelady please contact GNHQ. The easiest way is by using the report button for your own post. If you explain the reason for wanting a change of user name they will advise and help. Wishing you well.

So many frustrations, lottagelady! Hugs!

Is it possible there is some adult sibling rivalry in this? Could dd2 feel dd1 gets more attention, etc. and maybe resent her - and you - for this? NOTHING excuses the violence, of course. I'm just wondering if sib rivalry and lack of understanding of mental illness are at the heart of the situation.

Sorry, don't know how to change Username.....someone who knows more will come along and tell you how, I'm sure

Gryff is so cute......sorry to hear about your health. The problems with your daughters don't help either, does it? I suffer from a lung condition which gets worse if I am under stress. Life in general is one big stress...I think we all have it one way or the other, at one time or another. Hope things get better for you and the girls xx

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

@MagicWriter2016 looks like we had the same thoughts!

has she always been like this or is there a possibility of post natal depression?

Washerwoman, could she have been suffering from post natal depression? I know from experience it’s not always easy to tell.

If she is just being a grumpy devil, then maybe you need to tell her how she makes you feel. My eldest daughter can be quite insensitive at times. I do wonder if she is the same woman who in her teens, told me I wasn’t just her mum, I was her best friend and she could tell me anything. How times change!

How are you Lottage? I moan about everything....but to be physically abused by your own child must be so hard to bear. I think you said she has BPD and that could be the reason. Please keep in touch. Looks like the gremlin has been sorted and this thread is back to normal. Take care xx

Yes, I have this with my dd, too, sometimes, Washerwoman. I think it's very normal for a stressed out young mum to get grumpy and lash out at the "safest" person, her own mum. And if you're doing a lot of childcare for her, then there's more chance for friction, and so forth.

I think you're very wise to just walk away or fall silent. I do that, too, when it happens because I find words just escalate things.

I'm sure I lashed out at my own dear mum, sometimes, years ago. How I wish I could take it all back, but I know she understood. She did the same to her mum, I saw it as a child. But we all loved each other as dd and I do.

Lottage, Idk what happened to your post. Maybe too long? Anyhow, your situation seems to be about more than a grumpy daughter. She has committed physical and emotional abuse against you. I would stay away, gc or not.

I think you need to have an honest talk with her. Tell how you were affected previously and of your current concerns. Then I suggest you put some boundaries in place. No one has to accept bad behaviour. You could perhaps point out that this happens when she overworks etc and ask if you can get your heads together to try to prevent it happening in the future.

Oh heavens, what happened to my message? Is there any way I can go in to edit it?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReadyMeals Regarding comparisons, I agree. Just wanted to add, a bit off message, Camilla suffers a lot of pain and is a stalwart, also she uses a disability scooter.

Washerwoman You do need to learn to put yourself first, without feeling guilty. You brought up your daughter. She is an adult now. It is her turn to look after her children.
Obviously we step in as Grandmums when needed, for example if she is ill. But she does not put you down as a regular minder unless she has spoken to you about it and asked if you would take this on. Please say no. There is child care available now - unlike when we had young children. She has to find her own arrangements. All three of my daughters had to do this simply because I live too far away and anyway I am disabled. Your daughter has to grow up and face her responsibilities.
As for the arguing - the tantrums, I love what quizqueen says, "remove the audience".
Good luck! ?

It's a good idea to make an 'I' statement at the time of the rudeness. Say something like I feel sad/ upset when I am spoken to like that and it ruins my morning/day. It sounds less accussing than 'You have upset me'. Keep calm and dignified and repeat each time she is rude. Good luck

I have been through it too with my youngest dd.
It was awful at times and she had a very spiteful tongue. Blamed everyone but herself for stuff and what a bad childhood she had because me and her father divorced
She now lives in Australia and I miss her and my granddaughters terribly but we get on a lot better and love each other's company when I visit.

Washerwoman, I too know exactly what you are going through - I've been walking on eggshells since DD was a young teenager, now she's in her forties and nothing has changed. I don't think people realise who have not been through it. Clinical depression is diagnosed but who knows? I look after my darling DGS full time and try to smile sweetly whilst being accused of .... just about everything really ?

WasherwomanI don't think your daughter is spoilt just well cared for and more vulnerable than the others. I hope things are smoother this time round, you mention your husband managed a serious talk with her so perhaps dad should step up and deal with her. Even without any problems we are all anxious waiting for a new baby, good luck.

Oh my.So many replies- and situations far worse than mine!Lottage -your post is truly shocking.
I really appreciate all your wise words.Is my daughter spoilt as someone suggested?Well we had 3 children in 5 years, and actually I'm no pushover believe me.I've seen some truly spoilt children in my time ,but DH were always firm but fair with ours .Or so I'd like to think.
Having said that DD had always been the most needy emotionally. She did have a serious health scare the year before her first baby,and although I can't discuss it with her -because she shuts me out ,I've tried -her relationship with her partner is very up and down.Tbh myself,DH and her sisters knew she would bat on and have another baby -but also didn't feel entirely elated when we heard initially. Which makes me a bit sad.
But we will all love this new little one.And yes I have been putting into practice the walking away and letting my silence tell her I'm not impressed.Rather than words which only seem to make things worse.DH did go round the other day and had a chat about her attitude and she seemed to take it from him.I guess this morning I felt vulnerable and a tad apprehensive as to what this next pregnancy will bring just as things were settling.It may all be a lot smoother than I anticipate!Thanks again for your support.I feel like saying just you wait until your daughter is giving you grief !

God almighty lottagelady..... please disown this toxic daughter. My daughter has all the help I am able to give her... she only once criticised my childcare of her son ( I had allowed him to have two bananas in a 24 hour period)!!! Anyway...I told her that I would not take crap from anyone especially as I was doing it whilst still working part time and looking after a sick husband. She apologised wholeheartedly and I’ve not had so much as a peep out of her since. I won’t take bad behaviour from a 5 year old or a 35 year old!! Tou grans and mans out there need to stand up for yourselves. They need you more than you need tgem’

Oh dear, what painful memories from GNers. It's really unacceptable but you're torn between hating the situation and loving the person meteing out the 'punishment'.
As one poster said, it's better to remove the audience and I heartily agree, however, if the other party lives with you, therin lies the difficulty. We mothers feel guilt if we do certain things (such as 'evict' the one causing the trouble) and guilt if we don't. It's a sad scenario hidden within the walls of so many homes.
I find it easy to let angry words wash over me and can walk away and smile but I do feel for those who can't and who dwell on it.
Please try to diffuse bad situations by agreeing with whatever is said, even if untrue. That sometimes works as there is then, no argument.
Thoughts with all who are coping with similar dilemmas.

One possible tool in this situation - any in depth discussion to take place in neutral territory - not in your home or hers. You then become 2 independent adults in a way, not Mum and daughter. It worked to an extent when I had three almost adult children living at home. It's so much easier to have a conversation as equals in the pub. (With soft drinks probably better.)