PLEASE help me get on with my MIL!

Everything Pecs has said, good luck

My daughter is always complaining about the lengthy texts her mil sends. Mil lives nearby to my daughter whereas I am 10000 miles away. I tell my daughter that mil's only crime is that she is not me!! Although my daughter understands this, it does not stop the irritation.

I'm the mother of a son, (only child) and when we visit him and his family (abroad), generally there's no way that DH and I will stay for more than a few days without going somewhere else to give us all a break. (The exception was when DGC2 was born and we were ASKED to stay for support.) If you're all living in the UK, it seems to me that two weeks is far too long for a visit - unless you (Nella8) really want and ask for this. (Your post here would indicate otherwise!) Can the visits be shorter? The other issue as that perhaps your other half could say something to his mum?

I can so understand why this is a bit wearing but my mil was the opposite. When she came to visit she would 'inspect my house and tell me what I was doing wrong. She was critical of my weight, what I wore and the fact that I didn't home bake our buns and biscuits! She never showed me any affection or even indicated that she liked me, although at her funeral her neighbour told me that she did. We mils walk a bit of a tightrope and we don't always get it right but mostly we mean well.

Hair strokers

I attract them as well and also can’t stand it. Best advice I have is to tie your hair up or back around her if she’s a persistent stroker. It usually works as a gentle deterrent.

I had a boss once who I loved dearly but the amount of time she spent with her hands in my hair was super offputting.

Good grief! I am thankful l had my children before the days of endless texting, Skyping etc. A weekly phone call was all we had with both sets of parents, then we went to see them for a couple of days, four at most, about six times a year. We all got on well, but we were all busy people getting on with our own lives.
I can only imagine how irritating I would find your MIL’s behaviour. Try not to check your phone so often, and reply once a day at most. Can she stay in a B and B when she visits? Let your DH keep her occupied?

Think your being too touchy be lucky with what you have.

It sounds as though she is a bit OTT and possibly she is overdoing it in her efforts to build a relationship with you. I am a mum in law and granny and much as I love my family 2 weeks under the same roof would be too much! You sound like a lovely daughter in law so don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries with texts,messages and visits. Maybe shorter visits. There is some good advice on here. My mother in law was lovely and helped out a lot when our 4 children were young-I found it got easier as the children got older and she could play with them/take them out and the focus of her attention may well shift in future from you?
Maybe let your OH do more of the updating/texting etc!
Good luck!

Nella8 don't worry, there is always somebody who makes a snide remark. I notice your post was 19.10 so there would be a problem if a 4 month old isn't in bed and asleep and you didn't have some time for yourself. Sorry no advise but the hair stroking would get to me too. Just try not to sit near enough for her to stroke your hair.

Has she got a daughter? If not perhaps she sees you as a daughter she never had. Best to get into routine visiting e.g. every Saturday for 2 hrs or fortnightly. Reply to texts once on an evening or you will keep it going.

Some people are just more tactile than others, just walk away if you don’t like her touching your hair etc she will soon understand. Texts, calls etc can be ignored as the more you respond the more she will carry on. It is a shame as her heart seems to be in the right place, just a little eccentric. Your heart is also in the right place, hence your post, so am sure you will deal with it all tactfully with minimum upset.

She sounds as if she is looking for reassurance and is also a genuinely warm and affectionate person. It’s a good problem to have really, but the whole in law thing is difficult sometimes. Could you not just see her as your own mother and love her back? Sometimes when people are annoying me with their idiosyncrasies I pretend in my mind that they are the people I love most in the world and I think the extra warmth I then feel comes over and I stop being irritated. Xx

I'm sure you will find this improves as the baby gets older - she will probably transfer some of the physical affection to the baby. Presumably she doesn't work as she can come to stay for two weeks at a time (too long!) so perhaps it would help if she had something else to fill her life. Does she have any interest apart from her family? Is she the sort of person who might volunteer with a charity. It might help if she had other people who appreciated and needed her. Just a suggestion.

I have a friend like this. I have known her for 18 years and have learned that it is simply her nature and that she actually has very low self esteem, is lonely and craves attention (not in a narcissistic way). What has worked for me is to keep strict boundaries about not getting drawn in, don't feel obliged to react or reply in kind, if you don't genuinely feel the same. My friend is incredibly generous and has been taken advantage of many times by others. She values my honesty and openness and we remain friends. Hope this helps.

2 weeks! too long. That is what I would find hard to cope with.

Having now read about it a bit more I think this is a clash of two nice personalities, you calm, organised, friendly and her emotions all on the surface, tactile etc she is also I suspect trying too hard at present and thrilled with the baby. I hope it all calms down. Two weeks is a very long time to have them to stay, we find a week for long distance DD about enough for all of us.

I wonder if your m.i.l. knows someone who, due a bad relationship with their d.i.l. has lost contact with their son and GC Nella.

Sadly there are many in this very sad situation and perhaps as some have suggested, she's trying too hard. I would move away to deal with the hair stroking, rather than say anything. If she is anxious about her relationship, saying something may make her more so.

I think to just respond to her messages once a day is an excellent idea. IMO to reduce the length of visits at this stage would be counter productive. If she is worried about her relationship with you, doing so could make matters worse.

Try not to over think this. I understand why you're finding this rather suffocating but she isn't necessarily being insincere. You come across as a kind and caring d.i.l. that many m's.i.l. would be extremely grateful for which may be one reason for her over enthusiasm.

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Wow. If this started when the baby came - or when you were pregnant - it may just be that mil is overly excited. (Is this her first gc?).

Also, people often advise mils to cultivate a friendly relationship with their dil if they want a relationship with their gc. Some even give the well-meaning advice to 'treat her like a daughter." Problem is not everybody treats their dds the same exact way, and not every dil is in the market for a "2nd mum" (I know I wasn't). Plus, she may simply be trying too hard. Ugh!

Or maybe she was always like this. What does dh say?

I agree with other posters that one way to help ease this problem is to cut down the number of texts, etc. Also, I agree with agnurse about shortening the visits. I'm not sure I could survive one week with this woman, no matter how well-intended her behavior is - but 2 weeks? - blimey!

But none of that will change the way you feel about the touchy-feely stuff when she's there. You may have to tell her that you don't like being hugged by any but your nearest & dearest (or a better wording). And you may have to remove her hand when she starts stroking your head, and let her know you don't appreciate that.

On the flip side, perhaps she needs reassuring that she's going to be part of baby's life. You would think the pictures, etc. would do it, but she may need to hear it. Maybe find a moment to let her know that you want your child to have a good relationship with all his gps and that you're glad she and fil are in his life. But also let her know you, personally, need more space.

Other posters are right, in time, she may turn her affections more to your ds (sigh of relief). But if you see her overwhelming him with her attention/affection, you (and dh) will have to be prepared to stop that, too.

A 2-week visit is really a long time, especially if you see them every few months.

Is it an option to see them for only a week at a time? I'm not suggesting cutting out visits entirely - I think she's a little eccentric but not toxic. Rather I think decreasing the time she spends with you at a stretch will likely be easier for you both.

Perhaps you could buy her a dog for Christmas
The reason I suggested a dog was not to be humorous - it was serious. Stroking a dog or cat is supposed to be therapeutic and perhaps your MIL needs more physical contact and is a very 'huggy' person. Perhaps having an animal she can cuddle and stroke would help her.

Gosh stroking hair? How odd!
I found myself absentmindedly plaiting my DIL's hair the other week.
But perhaps I am odd.

Thank you all so much for your advice. She and my fil do live fairly far away so they unfortunately aren’t able to visit often, and when they do they tend to stay for a couple of weeks. So I absolutely wouldn’t want to discourage visits. My sh FaceTimes them every other day so they can see my son and I send my mil pictures of the baby frequently so that they aren’t missing out too much. I will definitely reduce the number of calls, texts and emails I answer and just claim I was busy, hopefully that should help. The petting may be more awkward, but perhaps I can through the baby under the bus a bit and she can get her physical affection out on him! Hopefully he’ll appreciate it more than his prickly mummy!

Thank you for your response Grannyknot, but I generally find that with a bit of planning, I don’t struggle to manage my house, look after my child and still have time to myself in the evenings. Perhaps I’m doing it wrong, but I haven’t yet found that motherhood is as frantic and unmanageable as some.
And yes, as my post states, my mother in law is a beautiful soul who only wants to be nice to me. I was asking for advice how I can learn to live with her idiosyncrasies. But thank you for your valuable contribution.

nella8 your little one is only 4 months old. Soon he will be more active and moving about a lot more. I think when that time comes your MIL will spend more of her time playing with him than bothering you. You sound like a really nice person and it would be terrible to deprive your MIL of visits with your son (as some have suggested) just because she is acting a bit OTT. If you can try and put up with it for another month or two I bet you will find her attention is so much on your son it will not be an issue and you may well be glad of some help keeping an eye on him while you get some jobs done.

She seems a bit eccentric, but very loving. Stroking soneone's hair is a very affectionate gesture in some cultures. You are lucky to have such a dear m.i.l. But I can understand your frustrations at what you consider her silliness. I have one grown up daughter and 2 daughters-in-law...on the odd occasion I might give them a spontaneous hug and a kiss, if for instance they have done something nice for me.
My d.i.ls have their own loving mothers who they are very close to and I wouldn't dream of competing with them for their affection. That's a no-win situation.
Just be nice to her and very tactfully and jovially tell her "oh, I've just had my hair done "
And all those texts !!!! I am very conscious of phoning or texting them because they have enough on their plate, looking after husband and children, to constantly check and reply to my texts. At the end of the day, I am not a close buddy, I am a mother-in-law, who at best, they tolerate and at worst, they hate ?
As someone suggested, just reply to her texts, once a day, in the night, thanking her for her messages.
I love to see my grandchildren, but I leave it to them to decide if and when. One of them is more 'sociable' and lives company.....the other less so. It's all fine by me