PLEASE help me get on with my MIL!

Hi, I agree with the other responses try and cut down on answering her texts, she is probably trying to hard because usually a daughter is closer to her own mother and the mother in law sometimes feels pushed out, but she does sound OTT so I would get your husband to say something when she strokes your hair, he could laughingly say mum she’s not a dog.
And maybe you could have a day out with her once a month to six weeks making a bit of a fuss of it shopping and lunch telling her how much you look forward to your monthly trips with her.

Wow! I will text you once a week. How mean!

How sad, your mil sounds needy and is perhaps seeking reassurance from you. Couldnt you say that you will message her weekly with an update and photos of the baby as you are so busy?

I am a mother in law who genuinely and sincerely loves her daughter in law and I absolutely dote on my toddler granddaughter. Your post has made me wonder if my own dil feels a little bit like you do about the affection I show her. I hope not. I don't think I am OTT with it - I do tend to kiss her when I see her and when we part. I've never really thought that she might not like this.

I have no advice to give you except to please be kind. There are some good pieces of advice in several of the replies here, so I hope you can work things out, for the sake of your baby son. It's lovely that you are aware of how important a good relationship with his grandparents will be to him.

ps and she always enjoyed what I had cooked too, even if I didn't do it 'her way'.

My MIL was so different to my own mother and her views on child-rearing were very different too (even cooking - she would stand in the kitchen and advise me what I was doing wrong - I just smiled and ignored her!) but we did establish a very good relationship.
After all, she was DH's Mum, understanding her and what she had gone through in life helped me to understand him.

NanaandGrampy I am sure that Nella knows that she needs to deal with this herself. She just wanted to bounce ideas around. That isn't an unreasonable or unusual thing to do even if people end up with an idea that may have seemed obvious from the beginning. It can sometimes take courage to do things that seem obvious.
It is possible to ignore threads if you think that someone is talking about something that you think is obvious.

Ive read this whole thread with interest. Its not a new topic and it pops up over and over so there has been shed loads of advice if you look back through the archives.

I read your initial post several times Nella and for what its worth here is my advice - we cant help you with your relationship with your MiL !!

You seem an eminently sensible woman and quite reasonable . So the only way forward is for YOU to fix this . To whatever extent YOU want. This really is an individual situation , you know what you want , its obvious what your MiL wants . You seem kind so you simply need to come to an agreement on what you are both comfortable with.

You can listen to all the advice in the world but YOU know what you want - so tell her. And keep telling her. And keep telling her. Unless she is a total idiot she'll understand.

But don't withdraw access to yourself, your child or your family as 'punishment'. Your child is not a weapon . That's the easy route in my opinion and cold, calculated and mean hearted option.

Talk like the grown women you are with the joint love of a man, your husband, her son.

Hi Gilly I replied negatively because that topic made me feel grumpy on that day.

And thanks Nella for your reply to me. A relationship with a MIL is an important one, so it is heartening to see that you have had many positive responses that hopefully will help you arrive at a good relationship with yours. (Which shouldn't be too difficult, as you say, she's a nice person).

Grannyknot,nella8 is really concerned about her relationship.Even the busiest of people would find time to attempt to rectify it, to some degree.Why on earth did you bother to post your negative surprise?Young mothers are able to prioritise they’re time, not like in the old days when you had all day to make a cup of tea!Shame on you

As the mother of sons, I have immense sympathy for your problem, and the advice already given provides vast scope for you, but I would like to make one observation.
You say MiL is only 62, and that she tends to drift off in the middle of a sentence, etc, etc, all in all you find her a bit vapid.
I started being like that when I hit the menopause, (much later than most women,) I drove myself mad, let alone anyone else; though I did not do the hair stroking!!
Hopefully MiL will improve in due course, I do seem to be able to finish sentences again, thank goodness!!

Hi Nella8. This is a tricky situation for sure. Two weeks is too long. Just move away when she starts the stroking thing with your hair. I wouldn't respond to all the texts either. Maybe when you want to, every day or every second day is just too much. Hopefully things will get better when your little one gets older. I must say that this post has reinforced our decision to back off from our daughter in law. We love her dearly, and admire her as a mother but sadly she is now our ex-daughter in law. We still see her and go away on holidays with her and our grand-daughter but we have backed off considerably as to not smother her. Another tricky situation indeed. Good luck.

Hmmm .. MIL sounds totally self centred. Lovely and kind in some ways but totally oblivious to what is good for anyone else.

Where did the idea come from that it was a good idea to spend a couple of weeks at a time with you ? Perhaps it would be easier if you went to stay with them for a couple of days a few times a year ... easier to escape!

One thing puzzles me ... how on earth is she close enough to you to regularly stroke your hair?

Regarding all the texts and messages .. pass them on to your husband to deal with!

When I was younger, I hated hugs from other women. My mother wasn't a hugger and neither was I. However, all my sons seem to have become attached to hugging women and whilst I had to steel myself to start with, I have gradually found that they come quite naturally now. I have been known to even instigate them! However, stroking my hair would be a big no-no. I would just ask nicely if they would mind not doing that. I wouldn't feel I had to give a reason, just a thanks but no thanks.
Texts are easy. Just answer the ones you want or need to.
I quite often forget to finish....! My family tease me because I forget to complete things or I mind hop. She probably can't help it so try to be tolerant or prompt her to finish. She may not even realise she does it.
I am sure that she is just really excited about her first grandchild. 4 months is really early days, it is all so new for everybody. She will probably settle down in time.

nella you are a nice person. I just wish that all the other MIL threads would follow your advice and show some tolerance.

Is it that's she is just trying too hard. She obviously knows that some girls/mother in laws have horrendous relationships, and doesn't want this with you. Can you not have a conversation about this, and explain that you really like her, but find affection a bit difficult??

Nella8 We visited my MIL and she gave me a very long hug (unusual) and a little present which was a reminder of where I grew up.
I didn't know it would be the last time I saw her

I have to remind him to call them!?
Nella oh goodness, I know what that is like.
I used to phone MIL regularly and had to nag DH to phone his mother sometimes!

Some people are 'huggy kissy', some are not.
My MIL wasn't, but I came from a family which was.
The first time I gave her a hug she was startled, but she actually became more 'huggy' over the years.

When I read this I immediately thought that your MIL is doing her best to be a good MIL. Maybe she realises that it’s not easy being a MIL, it doesn’t come naturally to some. Just a thought.

Sorry, Nella

Bella, you are a nice girl.....wish you were my d.i.l.?

Well said Nannyfrance ?

Acciaccatura, you are probably right that the only thing she is doing wrong is not being my mum! I’d never thought if it like that.

You are all wonderful women, thank you for your advice. My MIL and FIL have two other sons, one of whom is married to a man (so no awkward DIL relationship there!) and the other is single. I’m married to her youngest and also her most independent son, which I know she struggles with. He lives the furthest away from his parents and I have to remind him to call them! Our son is their first GC, but my MIL is gooey over EVERYONE. A previous response suggested she is looking for attention and affection (not in a narcissistic way) and this might be right. My FIL is the ‘why use one sentence when a grunt will do’ type, so I imagine there’s very little conversation there. She’s a popular woman because of her generous and friendly nature, but I can absolutely imagine that she could be a little lonely! You are all right, the hair stroking I will gently put an end to, but for the sake of a good relationship I will just learn to have patience with everything else and remind myself that it comes from a loving place. The issue here is definitely my tolerance rather than her behaviour!