My husband is lying to me

My husband and I are both of the opinion that if you want to live separate lives then you shouldn't bother getting married in the first place. These are my husbands words by the way, he says that when you are courting, you spend every spare moment you can with that person so why, suddenly does it have to change after you are married? My sister and her husband live separate lives, separate funds etc, tomayto tomato. This isn't about trust it's about principle. I heard once, if you need to lie to your partner then your doing something you shouldn't be, there may be some element of truth in that. My DH and I always tell one another where we are going, it's common courtesy as a lot have said. When I go shopping with my sister I ask him if he'll be ok and his response is always yes and he'll find something to keep him occupied, I don't take offence to his reply.

But it hasn’t changed to your advantage Torbaygirl as the original post is still showing up as your old name so really it hasn’t helped at all as you may still be too identifiable It’s only changed for your last few posts I would go to HQ and ask them to change ALL your posts including the Otiginal one if you are concerned

Sorry - they changed my username for me as I was too identifiable. Thanks for all your posts - once again I’m letting it go for the sake of a quiet life. It’s not worth a confrontation and falling out for weeks. I just feel I’m going mad sometimes when things don’t add up!

I'm puzzled too. Let's hope an explanation will be forthcoming or we'll be forever wondering....

Not just me who’s confused then! Can Lindill help?

Ohh this is strange a bit like a game of who’s who ?

Hey what’s happened here has Lindill metaphorped ???

I'm a bit confused. Are we responding to Lindill49 or Torbaygran?

No - and wouldn’t anyway. He mostly goes alone to matches. Last time he sent what I think are previous photos to “prove” where he was - I questioned then why he hadn’t got rail or match tickets as he normally does but let it lie. Just wonder what the heck he’s doing all day!

Are you in a position to follow him?

Gabbby you run your life how you want. A chalk board in our kitchen suits our happy go lucky household. Not sure why it is 'sterile' to chalk up that I am off to a meeting or that DH meeting friends for lunch. We might have told each other last week but we find it helpful to remind ourselves! We had 2 children, we both worked hard, did further degrees & qualifications, still have very busy social & working lives, close to our friends and family , have ups and downs but are happy and content.

The OP is feeling unsettled and unhappy. She knows things are not as usual and that is an issue for her. She asked GNers for their ideas on how to manage the situation. I got the feeling it was not so much what happened but that it was a change of usual behaviour that was troubling her.

Thank you for your understanding- there are certainly some unkind and totally wrong comments on here.

Lindill, I cannot bear lies either, and being made to feel foolish. There is much sensible advice from people (and some which is rather unhelpful and unkind). You need to find an appropriate time to ask him, without being confrontational, as it is just niggling away at you, and not doing your health any good. Please let us know the outcome. Best wishes.

You re all reading far too much into this
I bet the bloke got something wrong, date, or home match, or friends cancelled, has lost money on the transaction and now feels darned stupid and embarrassed so has blustered himself out of it by pretending he cancelled for you
He can’t admut it now it’s gone too far down his fairy story

Dont think because your H has medical problems he cant be having an affair,or hoping for one
I am sorry to look at it this way, ,but sometimes a new woman or man can even help the "medical problem" i know this to be a fact
I hope its not anything like that, but i would be suspicious , even at his age
I hope you can get to the bottom of this

Surely people live their lives the way it suits them as a couple. I don’t know any couples or families, young or old where a member would just go out! I’m on my own so there Is no one to tell but friends and family usually know what I’m doing although obviously not hour by hour! Lindill49 just ask him as it’s more about the lying than going out and there’s nothing wrong with couples spending as much or as little time together as suits them. Good luck ?

If it's really bothering you then you need to ask - never mind if he 'blusters'.

Oh Gabriella, it’s not a blow by blow account of everything. Just a general , I’m out at a craft day or I’m playing golf on Thursday. Would you just walk out of the house without saying anything to whoever you live with ? If you ever book a theatre ticket, book a holiday or a visit with friends, do you just hope the other one is free at that time ?

I let this kind of behaviour go on for over a year. If your husband is reading the lesson at church on a Sunday the last thing you suspect is an affair. But it was, with a colleague, and I found out by accident as he'd denied it on several occasions. Confront him and demand to know. You deserve the truth.

8Tillybelle* a lie is a lie surely ,it cant be one rule for her and a different one for him

It's easy for folk to assume something really bad is going on if they have experienced being lied to by a partner who was hiding an affair ( which happened to me) or gambling addiction, for example. It doesn't sound as though it's something like that, given you spend evenings and nearly every weekend together. It does sound as though he feels embarrassed or guilty about something related to these cancelled football matches. Perhaps he was worried about the cost, fell out with friends or something like that - but that's not the central issue. Could you bring it up in the context of saying you're sorry for saying you'd have to find a way of passing the time if that made him cancel his football? Say you are happy for him to go to football or other events with his pals etc. maybe even offer to buy him the next season ticket for his birthday or something. Going more than halfway in a generous, forgiving way might just give him the space to talk about whatever it is without feeling pressured. I agree that it is common courtesy to tell each other where you are going and for roughly how long - I would be concerned if my husband went out for hours without saying where he was going or lied about it. Doesn't need to be a blow-by-blow account of each other's movements - especially if you have mobile phones and can get in touch in the event of an emergency. Good luck.

PECS
Thanks for that however, I do know about marriage, at least, my own 40 year marriage. H worked abroad for much of the time but writing down our 'schedules' never entered our heads.
I really think it's very a bit OTT to run one's life like an office with blackboards, diaries, whiteboards and spreadsheets for finances.
That seems so sterile.
Having brought up 5 children and there still being 24 hours in a day and 365 in a year, I fail to see how families are busier than ever. Children often have breakfast at school, there are after school clubs meaning they get home later, plenty of help from grandparents (if these forums are anything to go by) and many more aids for housework (dishwashers etc)
Having to sit down and find matching windows in each others schedules when retired, seems daft...ludicrous even.
Just my view.

If he's blustering and annoyed, perhaps he's embarrassed or you hit a nerve. Is he normally fairly careful with money? If he had booked train and football tickets that's probably £50 - £100 (depending on the team he supports) and, apart from deciding he ought to cancel and blaming you for that, he might have tried to hide the fact that the money was now wasted. Even if he could get some of his train fare back it's doubtful he could get a refund on football tickets. On the other hand, if he's always blustering and annoyed, you have my sympathy.

That's the point, I think.
Absolutely no reason when a couple have trust to have to 'run things past' your partner.
No need for permission, or anything like that.
That's if both are completely above board..

Absolutely no problems about doing his own thing - it’s the lying bit I’m annoyed about. Just needed confirmation I’m not going mad!