I'm sober, he's drunk

You deserve to have a life of your own.you have done your best but It is impossible to change another person, he will either do it or he won’t, it really is his choice.
If he ever does, then maybe you can have some sort of relationship with him.
But now is the time to take care of you, best wishes.

Leave! This happened to a friend of mine. She stuck it out until their youngest son had finished school then moved with him to another town. There just came a time when enough was enough.

She is now happy with friends and another partner. Her son has a good job and her ex? He's in a care home because he has alcohol related dementia.

Remember you do still have a life. Don't let him wreck it.

It seems that, as you say, the love has dripped away. Being the only sober one in a couple must be draining for you - I couldn't live like that , you are too different since you stopped drinking and he didn't.

I left my husband at 53 after 31 years of marriage - for similar reasons. There was just nothing holding us together. Yes it was daunting but it was so freeing ! I told him I was going, and spent about a week talking to him about "why" since he couldn't accept or understand my actions.

Once the talking had been done , I left. I'd found a flat through a work friend, so one day I packed my precious things into my little car and drove away to my new life. I won't pretend it was all plain sailing - that first day I sat at my little kitchen table in the tiny flat and wondered what on earth I was thinking of. But it got better every day, and now it's been 15 years and I've never regretted what I did that day.

Best wishes to you.

I lived a similar life, MrsTeacup, for 32 years and then left.
It's not easy, but can be done. Family and friends will help and you will find a way to build a new life. Good luck.

I agree with all the other posters. You can't risk your own hard won sobriety now and your life is not happy. I left everything behind as well, not for the same reason but I have never regretted it. Better to be happy alone than miserable with a partner.
As henetha said friends and family will help you build a new life. Good luck.

I think in your case I would deliver an ultimatum. Have a firm plan to move away-is there somewhere you could live with for a while? Tell your husband he has a month to show you he is genuinely willing to change, by going to his doctor, or having privately arranged counselling, or going to AA. If at the end of the month he hasn't done anything to address his alcoholism, make the split permanent and rent somewhere of your own.

If he can and is willing to cut down with your encouragement it is worth giving him a last chance if you can still love him. It sounds like he is ruining his health and any chance of happiness, but sadly it will take a superhuman effort for him to change. If he drives, I imagine he would still be over the limit in the morning. Could he try to halve his consumption to start with, then have one dry night a week, building up to two or three and then start to reduce to half a bottle and so on. I think it is worth one last push - come up with a plan, find some alternative non alcoholic drinks, go out once or twice a week, find an interest to do at home Be firm, give it one last try, (say three months ?) then if it fails, you can walk away knowing you did your best.

If you're really miserable and want to leave then you should, it may be the wake up call that he needs and if not at least one of you can have a better life. Divorce always seems daunting but honestly it's not. It's expensive and can be very wearing if you have a lot of assets to divide but once you do it you wonder what all the fuss was about.
I divorced my ex 2 years ago and thought I'd struggle without his income but the fact is I'm much better off financially than I would have thought possible.

MrsTeacup well done on your 6 years of sobriety. You remind me of when my husband stopped smoking after he had a heart attack - a young female doctor asked whether he smoked, and when he replied "Yes", she shot back "Do you want to die?" He stopped that day.

Re your husband and his drinking, I worked in an alcohol clinic for a highly esteemed psychiatrist who treated alcohol and other drug misuse, and he used to say "We don't save relationships, we save people". He would also say that it is very, very seldom that two people in a relationship sober up together.

It is not uncommon for two people in a relationship to attempt or resolve to sober up together, but invariably one will fall off the wagon. If anything it then poses a threat to the other person's sobriety.

So I would say, save yourself, and if that means getting out, then do that.

Warm wishes and best of luck for the future.

Mrs Teacup you have done so well but being around someone else who drinks to excess must be torture. My first husband drank and eventually dies of Liver Failure. I left him after 6 years of marriage that was quite enough. Unfortunately our daughter had to watch him die slowly of Cirrhosis. Its not fair on anyone and if he wont go and get help there is not much you can do. I'm so sorry.

Thanks so much, I'm overwhelmed really with all the responses that I have had and they mostly tell me what I deep down really know but this is the boost I need.

I just want to thank everyone for your kind and wise words, they really are helpful and give me an inner strength to do what I know I must so my plan is in action and hopefully it will be the best outcome.

Ditto stella. I've never been happier since I packed up and walked away. My only regret is waiting so long to do it.