Nasty friends of friends

I do apologise Maggiemaybe, I should have prefixed that comment with. ‘ Her apparent’

lack of empathy
Lack of empathy with whom? An actor whom no-one knows?

But she wasn't dishing it out to anyone in the room, just passing her opinion on an actor whom no-one probably knew.

I still thing it was a very nasty retaliation that there were much better ways of replying eg - 'well you may think that, I don't, but do you agree that he's a great actor?'

Unpleasant, rude and nasty to say something personally to another dinner guest. Whatever that man looks like, he is ugly inside.

And, of course, while setting your good example, you’d never be hurtful or rude, would you, Bridgeit?

Her arrogance & lack of empathy is staggering, better if she had considered her own ugliness of character.

Nice.

I agree Maddyone, but it is possible to point out that if one is dishing it out , one must put up & shut up when the dish come back.

Maybe we're missing the core point of this issue. I think someone's motive for using a particular word is actually the key, rather than the word itself.
The OP used the word "ugly" as she was looking for a quick way to describe the actor and some aspect of his appearance brought that word to mind. She could not have been using it to offend/hurt the actor as he would never hear about it.
I would suggest some possible motives, however, for the guest who called the OP ugly: he did not think he was being included in the conversation as much as he would like or thought others found him boring, so made a misguided attempt at humour to address this; he was jealous of the OP in some way, such as she has a good relationship with his wife or is generally more popular with others than he is; he has been attracted to the OP in the past and is trying to convince himself/his wife that this is no longer the case....
Misguided, low self-esteem, jealous, just a bit "ugly" on the inside... Maybe he is more to be pitied?
I would not resort to insulting/ignoring him in an unpleasant way unless he deliberately does something else to hurt you. It wouldn't make you feel any better and may be witnessed by others who could then brand you as unkind, which is probably more hurtful than being called ugly by that man at the dinner.
I know it sounds cliched but I have known people who looked attractive, but suddenly physically appeared much less so if they showed themselves to be selfish and unkind. I also worked with a lady who did not have particularly pretty features if you stopped to analyse her looks, but everyone perceived her as being attractive because she was so kind, encouraging and never spoke badly of others.
If I were you, I would give myself a wee treat of some sort to cheer me up and then focus on being as lovely ( inside and out) as I'm sure you've always been.

Indeed annep, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or so I was brought up to believe. But none the less, I stand by my post above.

Exactly,
Thankyou Annep,

I try to set a good example to my children and grandchildren Bridgeit, but it’s not always possible

It’s just that I think the man sounds insufferably rude to speak to a fellow guest like he did. As for the OP describing an actor who she regards as ugly, who is only known through TV or films, well it’s really not a cardinal sin in my humble opinion. I’ll accept misjudged, but not deliberately hurtful. It’s the fellow guest who behaved extremely badly, he was rude to a person’s face and upset her. Surely people can see that’s by far the worst offence.

The expected view that people will automatically agree with you? I dont expect or want people to do that. I want an objective viewpoint when I share.
I also stated we all say things we shouldn't. So not claiming perfection. As Bridgeit said What is ugly?
How can the poster not see that what she is saying is I called someone ugly and then someone told me I'm ugly. I am offended. lol.

That’s a shame Maddyone.
As an older generation shouldn’t we be setting a better example .

I’m afraid I agree with Luckylegs folks.

Ugly isn’t even accurate, what one person would describe as ugly another would not.
Probably a word best avoided. Sometimes what pops in to our minds is best left there.

Gosh, so many perfect people in Gransnet who never just say words without thinking! I would easily describe someone on TV or films as ugly if it helped to picture the person and it was in a conversation such as we’re talking about but I’d never even consider saying something like that to a person’s face! Come off your high horses please!

Is ‘ lighthearted ‘ compatible with Ugly ?
If so his remark must also be taken as ‘ Lighthearted

No need to describe anyone as ugly, dead or alive, if you are a person who doesn’t have a problem with describing anyone as ugly well....... isn’t it obvious ?

The various responses on Gransnet never fail to astonish me. It doesn’t matter what the subject is there will always be posters who take the awkward/opposite view to the norm or expected view! On this occasion, it’s perfectly obvious that this man’s remark was extremely hurtful to the OP and indeed would have been hurtful to anyone hearing that about themselves but there’s always the ones who feel it suitable to criticise her for describing a long dead actor as ugly in a light hearted conversation. I can’t believe all the posts listing all the ways she was in the wrong! Just have some compassion people, for goodness sake!

I don't agree Pecs. It would never occur to me to describe someone as ugly. I think the man tried unsuccessfully to demonstrate how rude it was to do so. I think they were both wrong.
However its not that important. People say things sometimes which offend us or seem rude I'm sure we all do, because we're human. Better to just forget it. I'm sure everyone else has. It was only a few minutes out of a whole evening.

Exactly,Pecs describing someone as ugly at a dinner party is unnecessary.
Describing anyone as ‘Ugly’ IS unnecessary, Jaxie was happy to do that.Perhaps she will now think twice before doing so again, just because the person she called ugly wasn’t physically there to hear it, it doesn’t make it right.
Get over it, learn from it. Think of the old saying ‘Ugly is as ugly does ‘ !

To call someone ugly, at a dinner party, is both unneccessary and very rude. As none of us except the OP was there we do not know the ' tone' or detail of the context.
I think describing an actor as 'ugly' as part of trying to help recall his name is excusable though perhaps a more descriptive phrase might have helped e.g " the man with the broken nose" etc.
The guest was out of order..but maybe known to be a bully so nobody dared confront him. You can ignore him and snub him but I guess ge will expect that. Might be more confusing if you greet him enthusiastically and say how much yoy enjoyed the robust discussions at xx dinner party! Also if he is a bully you show he has not beaten you!

Jaxie I hope you've let this go now. Life's too short to fester over small things however upsetting they may seem at the time. There are many things in life far more important. Laughter is the best way to tackle it, and be the nicer person.

I don't think he is a bully.

I think anything said now runs the risk of starting it all off again. Best to just ignore the person & enjoy the others company.

Had he had a glass too much wine perhaps and let his bullying manner out on you. No excuse for his behaviour. Don't let it simmer in you, just rise above it or else he will have achieved yet another bullying victim. He isnt worth a second thought.

Jaxie's question was - how should she manage seeing this man again?
I think the person with the bigger problem is the awful man, if he remembers on sobering up what he said to her. Next time he sees Jaxie he's going to turn an interesting shade of scarlet as she cones up with Jane10's excellent response,