Nasty friends of friends

He might have been trying to be funny and misfired badly - and some people seem to lose a veneer of social graces when they get older. My dear Dad was the kindest man who would not offend anyone, but in his later years he said things in front of people that made me wince - quite personal comments, but he clearly didn't realise that this was not acceptable. I would put it down to his lack of sense and just forget it - when unpleasant things happen to me I try to put them aside by thinking that if that is the worst thing likely to happen to me today then it's not so bad after all!

Could this have been a clumsy attempt at sarcasm? In other words, he meant just the opposite and wanted to be funny, but it didn't come out that way. If he was under the influence, it wouldn't be the least bit surprising....it might explain why the others didn't react either.

...but at the end of the day, giving this man's words the weight they don't deserve is not worth your valuable time and energy.

I think Maggiemay is correct, using the word ugly about a person who is not there and that neither of you are ever likely to meet, is completely different to him using it to your face. He sounds like an objectionable man. If I were you, I’d have nothing to do with him at all, if you meet him ignore him. And if you are asked to your friend’s house again, I’d enquire if he was going to be present. If the answer was the affirmative, I’d tell her I wouldn’t be going.

When meeting nasty folk with whom I want no contact, I cross the road and walk away. First I make sure they know i have seen them and if I can I give them my back, just to make sure they got the message.

A procedure I've found effective when a careless remark or words said in an arguement has hurt me is to write a letter to the person, or group, pouring out every way in which I was hurt. I then hold onto it for 24 hours or a week then I burn it. I Never send those letters but the feeling of release is cathartic and I find that what was said or done/not done no longer has the power to hurt me.

Perhaps you should have responded to him in a similar manner? Some people have no idea that their outspoken off the cuff comments are hurtful to those on the receiving end. I would have responded with 'Have you looked in a mirror with your glasses on lately?' (but then, I am, in the words of an old friend, a 'sarky b*tch' ) and then ignored him for the remainder of the evening unless he made an apology.

Rathbone died in 1967 and Donat in 1958
Unlikely to be the boor’s cousins, siblings or close friends!

Ignore this rude man when you next see him, he is not worthy of your time. Men like him are better ignored as otherwise they enjoy the attention. Everything is about themselves and their ego.

Oh dear. Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t have taken it. I would have said with a smile. Say that again and I’ll punch you on the nose... and I would then have carried on with the conversation.

Jaxie - That guest's behaviour was inexcusable and I too would have been very upset and too shocked to replicate off the cuff.

However, as a teacher of English as a Second Language, while the textbooks present the adjectives: ugly/fat/stupid, the do take care to point out that these words are considered unacceptable and unkind when referring to people and that we prefer to use milder terms.

Maybe he knew the actor. Imagine if you said as people have suggested, something like 'you called me ugly when we last met' and he said 'yes. after you called my cousin ugly'. You never know. The Winslow Boy wasn't really about looks and calling an actor in it ugly does seem to go against the ethos of the film a bit.
No one should could anyone else ugly. It is obviously much worse to say it to someone's face but just degrees of wrongness.
If you meet him again you need to be on guard, I would probably avoid his company if possible but if not just be a bit curt and non communicative. He is not someone who's opinion you value or who you want to develop a friendship with so don't give him too much importance in your life.

The man is a bully, confrontation is what they really hate, so get some reparte, when he makes his comments, turn them back on h8mself. They really hate that. Otherwise in a low c9ntrolled voice, tell him exactly what you think of him. He needs to get his needles in. Coppers enjoy needling, they want a rise, a reaction. How’s your stare? Can you give him a look that shrivels his bits? He’s a cocky person, so stand up to him. If it’s really nasty and you’re at a dinner party, upend a drink, food, whatever over his head! Me, I won’t stand for it.

I never call them ugly and as for sodaop's comment I would hope even Jaxie would be less judgemental if someone had lost facial parts through illness or birth defects...but who knows.Ugly is the heart that judges on looks not actions

Isn’t this a bit of an over reaction?
To describe a long gone actor as “ugly” is hardly on a par with comments about birth defects or lost facial features!
Gerard Depardieu for instance - not a figure of great beauty, even if his face has “character”
Who was it once described an actor as “having a good face for radio” ?
Let’s keep a sense of proportion.
This man called jaxie “ugly” to her face - find an excuse for that if you can!

Stop caring and always greet him with a smile, ask how he is feeling, listen politely and commiserate.

Being nice is free, easy and no guilt. It is very difficult to be nasty to someone who is smiling and being genuinely nice.

Lets face it he is probably unhappy so he needs pity not anger. Besides pity is free, easy and no guilt!

It is also amusing to see how he copes. He will probably avoid you like the plague so your problem is solved!

Politicians

I think you'll find that I might say a lot of things about oliticians but I never call them ugly and as for sodaop's comment I would hope even Jaxie would be less judgemental if someone had lost facial parts through illness or birth defects...but who knows.Ugly is the heart that judges on looks not actions .

Years ago after I left my ex (he was having an affair) I was out with a group of ladies from work. One of the older very drunk ladies started shouting at me in the pub and making a scene -basically having a go at me for leaving him. I didn’t respond and just let her get on with it.
A few days later I was in a queue for an atm when here she comes along the street and she stopped to chat to me, telling me she’d been to the hairdressers and doing that hair down the back ofthe neck dance. I didn’t say anything and just stared at her til she got the message and slunked away.
It was very satisfying
Revenge is best served cold

It was a temptation to say what about those of us lacking some facial parts Jalima but I resisted in case someone termed it a hate comment

paddyann the OP didn't criticise someone in the room, someone personally known to anyone in the room - it was a comment about an actor, just as some make comments about politicians.

Perhaps not acceptable but I think it's unforgiveable to call a woman ugly - particularly as they may well have two eyes, two ears, a nose and a mouth but be sensitive about their looks.

Maybe she needed to hear how it sounds to call someone ugly so she wont say it again.Honestly I cant abide folk who have that superior attitude about looks.Most of us are just "normal" looking we all have the same requisite two eyes two ears a nose and a mouth and as long as they are roughly where they are meant to be on our faces thats fine by me .

Oh, it’s scary, Jamila!

sorry, that was to Maggiemaybe!

Words fail me, but that face of mine would be telling him what I thought of his act.
I shall imagine you standing behind me with your 'resting bitch face' .

So then there is absolutely no justifying what this man said.

I don't think it is quite reasonable to describe someone as quite ugly, present or not.