Callous, cold husband.

Don't stay if you are unhappy.
Things won't change.
You could spend more wasted years trying when you would be better off trying to make a happy life for yourself.
Are you financially secure, if not that is one of the first things to do.
Good luck with your decision,whatever you choose.

Notentirelyallhere your last sentence tells me that all is not lost. It sounds as though your marriage could be salvaged though will take time patience and work on it.
What's the " enough " that you're asking for ? As I see it I've yet to come across the perfect marriage.

He said he's been cold, callous and careless in every relationship in his life. Is that how you see him? You don't say how old you are but I think you have to look forward and ask: Do I want to spend the next ten, twenty, thirty years with this man? Do I want to be caring for him when he's older. Would you be able to rely on him to care for you? Getting on quite well isn't really good enough. Starting again would be hard but you'd be free.

I'm finding it hard to understand why you are so upset now specifically.

Unless I'm misreading your post, the affair was a while ago. He is now in counselling and seems to be making progress, having acknowledged the effect that his mother has had on him and his relationships. He has confided in you, confirming what you already felt was the problem and you are talking about getting out.

Only you can know how bad it is and whether there is a chance that you could both be happy. If you see no chance, then start making your preparations to get out.

However, it seems a shame that at the point he has made a breakthrough in counselling, which could be built on to make improvements, you are talking about throwing in the towel.

Delibes, I heard something really sad when I was helping on an Alzheimer's Course. A Carer said that she should have left her husband 30 years ago but was trapped now. It really made me think.

So, could you cope with looking after your husband if he gets incapacitated or would you like him looking after you? If the answer is 'no', get out now.

dont stay because you can live with him ,stay because you cant live without him .

I have just turned 65. I worry about caring for him if he was ill. I have recently been diagnosed with something alarming that may or may not progress. I fear his looking after would be perfunctory but would not feel loving. I've always thought that he sees me in terms of himself, he'll buy me a present which is something he'd like, it's incidental if I like it too. I've wondered in the past if he's autistic. His parents were very distant and unloving, all they were interested in was educational and work success. His sister is a mess.
I'm very grateful for these replies. I'm so confused. Initially the counsellor picked up that he was controlling and he can be. We're retired now though he still does some freelance work but he does literally everything else too if I let him. I end up feeling like a child. I often retreat to my own room, I'm lucky to have that.

Yes I wondered that too GrandmaKT he seems to be at least making an effort. It may be the counselling has made you look at things differently notentirely. Do you really want to leave? I get the feeling there is still some hope for the relationship.
It's a hard decision to walk away, I did it and it wasn't easy but its better to be happy alone than miserable in a relationship. Could you confide in any of your children, that may help you put things in perspective. Good luck.

He said he's been cold, callous and careless in every relationship in his life.

At least he can see that is what he is and admit it. The next question is: what he is going to do about it? It is one thing to admit what he is and how it has affected not just his but other people's lives. Now he must try and overcome these traits. I think a lot hangs on how he intends to understand his problem and try some resolution, if he can.

His mother sounds unloving and if your DH never experienced a loving relationship as a child it will have been difficult for him to know how to love someone as an adult.

The children lived through years of conflict, they're warm but now they say they don't want to be involved. I had a difficult childhood, my parents died in my 20s, I don't have much confidence in myself. He's going to counselling because I said otherwise I was leaving though I don't know how to do it. I've got some savings. I don't want to be on my own but I don't know if I trust him anymore or myself. I don't know if I love him anymore.

I agree it does sound as though he has acquired some understanding of his behaviour - the question is, is he going to use that knowledge to improve things? That is what you need to be asking.

I would advise that you do not involve your children in any of this - you need to stay on good terms with them, and if they feel they are being encouraged in any way to take sides then they will run for the hills.

Why not talk with your counsellor about what your OH has said? I get the impression that you are feeling negative about this "breakthrough" and it might help to discuss it a bit. It really does depend a lot on how he presented this awareness - was it, so this is who I am, take it or leave it? Or was there some hint that he was willing to put in the effort to move on from this?

I think these years in our lives can be tricky and counselling throws up all sorts of stuff.

If finances allow why not book a mini break for yourself for a couple of nights? Breathing space.

notentirelyallthere Have you considered having some counselling yourself? It might help you resolve your inner confusion and see a way forward.

I wonder about ASD.....try the Derbyshire branch of Relate which have expertise in this area. You don't need to live near there btw.

Remember leopards don't change their spots.
He unlikely to change at this age, his learned behaviour is to ingrained .
I am sorry to sound so negative but I really want to be realistic.

What is ASD? I've booked myself into a B&B for the night. I might stay away for the weekend.
His mother had dreadful dementia and I am afraid he is or may be going the same way. He used to be very calm but he's become very grumpy and awkward and emotional. He does have memory lapses but only normal age related ones.
Thanks again.

mmm unwell? depressed? Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

PM me any time.

I just don't think he is going to change or be able to now. He has had an affair and you say the children lived through years of conflict. He has only gone to counselling to keep you with him. I don't know if you will be happier apart but it sounds like the only way you are going to get some peace.

In my experience, they don't change. My ex-husband (I was his second wife) started having affairs about 5 years ago (we'd been married about 24 years at the time) - well, at least that's when I found out. Promised to change. Didn't happen. I even gave up my job and moved to a new area as he wanted 'a new start'. Just a year after moving, he left me for someone he'd known for about 5 minutes and with whom of course he was 'so in love'. I divorced him. I heard he married her soon after decree absolute. Things were difficult for me, to say the least, but I've recently sold the house we bought together and I'll be moving to my own place soon. Thankfully, I've always been financially independent and in addition to my occupational pension, I've taken on a little extra work. I'm glad to be free. No more checking up on what he's doing and who he's doing it with. I'm a great believer that it's never too late to start again. You get to the point where you think, what do I want for the rest of my life? We all have the right to be happy and we don't have to let others drag us down.

There is no perfect marriage or relationship. If you are very unhappy and their is no solution, walking away will open doors for you. Life is too short not to live it. If however, you share same interests and are friends and most of the time content, perhaps that is as good as it gets. I would have ended it after an affair but I know not many feel like that, he would never have heard the end of it and it would end any trust I had in him, that is important to me.

You might think that leaving is difficult - honestly it isn't. I did it at 53 - I found a little flat, packed up my car with my belongings and drove off to my new life. I've never looked back.

It doesn't have to be complicated at all. Life is too short to be miserable. Good luck.

I am sorry to hear what you're going through notentirely.

I would also agree with the people who ask what your husband is going to do now that he has had this breakthrough about his mother ..... but I would add that a man's mother is very important in his early life (just like a girl's father), and it may be that he is permanently angry at women in general because of the way his mother behaved towards him. If this is the case, and after all these years, I don't see a great deal of hope as it will take years to recognise, deal with it and make changes.

If you don't want to become his counsellor, always trying to understand and making excuses for him (been there and done that myself), and if you couldn't face being his nurse in later years .... or him being your nurse if it came to that ..... then now is the time to think about making plans.

Personally I have always found making a list of Pros and Cons very helpful and I can then see my way more clearly.

Life is definitely too short to be miserable, and it will be harder to leave the older you get.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think the recommendations from others to undergo some counselling sessions for yourself is a good idea. You appear to need support in sorting out the many conflicting thoughts in your head. It is not easy confronting your situation, but I think you are right to do so.

Leaving or not leaving will affect the rest of your life. Neither decision will be easy and you will know what is right for you when the time comes. However, take it from me that leaving is never as bad as you think it will be. I have been there and lived to tell a very different and extremely positive tale. Good luck!!