Should I be Feeling Guilty?

You escaped an abusive relationship. That's nothing to feel guilty about.

Perhaps his mum just forgot your birthday. You don't say how much contact you and your daughter have with your ex-inlaws, so it's hard to comment on whether or not she blames you for anything at all.

Blood is always thicker than water at times like this so I wouldn't be worrying over a birthday card. Although she may have felt awkward about whether to send you one or not.
The main gist of this is that you escaped an abusive relationship which his mother must have known about initially of his mental state-----she is his mother !
Maybe by leaving him she may have realised too that the onus of his " care " would fall on her hence her encouragement to get him back to work, not a great move to suggest to someone with mental health issues.
I certainly wouldn't blame yourself by leaving nor should you feel guilty about the whole thing.
Working would be good for you if you feel you could do it or if there's a financial need.

Janeainsworth: Well I mainly have contact with his siblings who remembered my birthday but occassionally his mum texts to say hello to me and my daughter. I know his mum is distraught over the way her son ended up (as he refuses help) so I can imagine what she is going through.

EllanVannin: yes she did say that once I left (as everyone realised that I was going to have to leave) the 'onus' would be on them to care for him. It was obviously impossible for me to handle it all by myself when I had a young daughter to look after

Blood is always thicker than water

no its not

No, I don't think you ought to feel guilty. You had to leave the abusive relationship to protect yourself and your daughter.

More often than not it is oldbatty. A mother will support her son over his wife. Yes ?

er no

You did what you needed to do to leave an abusive marriage. It is hard for your mil though, you can't turn your back on your child whatever age he is, particularly if they have mental issues, she must be worn out. She is probably so busy she just forgot your birthday. Send her the odd text I am sure she would love to hear from you and she understands why you did what you did. I am sure you would always be there for your d too.

I think blood is thicker than water is a silly phrase! A mother who knows her son is abusive and who has emotional intelligence is perfectly capable of understanding why her DIL had to leave!! Maybe she just forgot the card Nicola. Could you send a friendly text just asking how she is?

I have known of a few cases of mothers in particular who can see no wrong in their abusive childrens behaviours.

What are you worrying about a birthday card for, that’s really so unimportantand
No one on here can tell you how you should be feeling only you can know if you should be sad, guilty relieved or anything else you did what you felt you had to do, so that’s really all there is to it
You sound as if the whole family have been through the wringer and you re concerned your daughter got a card and you didn’t the poor mother is probably out of her mind with worry looking after her son I would think cards are low down on her list to remember

Card giving naturally tails off as you drift away from people. I think thats the most likely explaination

My friend has it seen or spoken to her son since he left her DinL for another woman when she was 8 months pregnant. She has fully supported her DInL and grandchildren. She would have remained in contact but he refused as he said she had sided with D in L and felt she should have backed him only as he was her son. This was 15 years ago. Sad but friend was appalled by his behaviour and still feels she made the right choice. So blood is not always thicker than water.

No, you shouldn't be feeling guilty, nicola.

You didn't make the situation worse by leaving. You made the situation you and your daughter were in better by escaping abuse.

The situation your ex and his family are in is and never was your responsibility.

If your daughter were suicidal mightn't you forget to send a few birthday cards?

is not and never was

Luckylegs9. I did send her a text to thank her for card sent to my daughter and i will still send her a small gift for Xmas.

Pinkwallpaper . His siblings definitely support me as they know I had no choice but to leave given the abuse and the fact that he refused help with his serious mental illness

Baggs I definitely made the right decision by leaving even though it was a very difficult one. Trying to help someone with mental issues who refuses help and tells you that you are the 'crazy' one is difficult to handle especially when you are trying to look after a young child

BlueBelle it is not the card itself I was concerned about (would have been happy enough with just a text) but the fact that she might be partially blaming me that situation got worse since i left. But in saying that I know for sure that his siblings fully support me as they know what I went through between trying to cope with his mental illness (which he refuses to accept) and abuse that either came with it or worsened coz of the illness

But Nicola with all that’s gone on in your life can’t you relax a bit and in Disney’s word ‘let it go’, a card is only a card Maybe your card went astray in the post
Maybe she forgot
Maybe she has bigger things to think of
Maybe she just doesn’t want to
Let it go

You are investing too much in her opinion. It is nice that his family supports you but your emotional wellbeing shouldnt relyon it.

Look, we all get into habits of sending cards or gifts to people we are seeing less and less of until you realise it is silly and stop. There is no malice behind it, you just realise that you are still in the habit of it even though you are no longer close.

If she resented you then why would she have send the previous cards.
And for arguements sake, if she DID blame you, so what? You know you did the right thing and the opinion of someone you no longer see regularly doesnt change that.

Notanan2 you hit the nail on the head with your sound advice. Bluebelle I need to let it go..thanks