Coercive control

Sorry to say I know of 3 men who were abused, one was many years ago and lately a close friend and m own son. My son found it extremely, extremely hard to get help. After a very long struggle and in once case was in hospital he has his life back. The other person was the husband of my best friend and he wasn't even allowed to have his own bank account. You always hear of the women who are aabused but where are the safe houses for men. In this area there are none whatsoever or help. Abusive behaviour is not acceptable for either sex but please lets have more acceptance and help for the men who find themselves in an abusive relationship.

oodles, thanks for your post which I found very moving. Thanks also for mentioning the Freedom Project. It was particularly helpful that you said you've done it more than once, done it on line and found something new each time. The last time I looked at the research is a few years ago, it showed that abused women leave on average over 20 times before they are finally able to make the break.
It isn't unheard of for women to leave their children with the abuser because they're terrified by this threats to track her down and kill her , if she ever takes 'his" children away.

The evidence speaks for itself in the number of women murdered by partners/ex partners. The biggest risk to them is when they say they're leaving.

No one has disputed that women can behave abusively. What's interesting is the number of posters who when a thread is started to discuss coercive control, as a forms of domestic abuse, immediately start a pity party for men, rather than discuss this real issue as it affects women. Start another discussion on abusive women if you feel so strongly about it.

coercive control became a criminal offence in 2015

I didn't know that.

Saggi
I've no words for what you've endured and the continuing abuse
The thought of you walking the streets to keep your (and his) children out of his way is utterly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that there are men out there who place no value on the woman they promised to love and care for.
I'll think of you tomorrow and hope that you, your children and GC share a memorable birthday celebration.
Wishing you a happier future. ??

Abuse of any sort by any sex on any other sex is wrong, it is also wrong to minimise support for women suffering abuse by saying that men are abused too. Would anyone say that there ought not to be organisations supporting people with cancer because there are also other diseases s that kill people like heart disease. Or that you shouldn't talk about cancer because some people have heart disease
Abuse of another person is wrong, whoever is the abuser.
Someone said nowadays women have jobs, but one manifestation of coercive control is to prevent the woman from working, or to hinder her career development so she can't progress. Some controlling men do not let their partner go out, or if they do go out they are bombarded with phone calls, and have to send pictures of them selves so that they can prove where they are or if they are late home they are accused of having an affair.
The abusers are not abusive at the beginning, it starts as someone has said by seeming caring. If this is appealing because the woman has had difficult relationships the hook works. If like me you are used to people being caring, again It works. An abusive man can turn a strong independent woman into a controlled one over time. Danger points in escalating abuse are when you are pregnant or have a baby and when you leave.
It is wrong to stop a child seeing a kind and loving father. It can be right to stop an abusive father from seeing children, or to ensure that it is in a contact centre as the children have the right not to be abused or worse
I stayed in an abusive marriage for far too long as was afraid of what he'd do, and it was only after the children grew up that I divorced him. It was a hellish time, he found more ways to abuse me through the process. I wish I'd done it earlier. Did you know that growing up in a household where there is abuse counts as child abuse, I didn't
Somewhat along the line I discovered the freedom programme. If you or any loved one are in an abusive relationship, it doesn't have to be violent, seek out a local programme or do it online. I did it several times and each time I got more and more from it, it helped me to see exactly what had been going on. If you are hoping to find a new partner it helps you see the red flags to look out for. I'm not, but if ever I was considering it I would go into it with my eyes open. On it I also met some wonderful strong women, heard some incredibly harrowing stories, some who had had more than one abusive relationship. What was striking was how similar the tactics used are, often women would say that it was like they had a book called how to be an abuser, its something within them though
Why do they do it, well they feel entitled to do what they want, and seek out women in whom they can sense a vulnerability. They need to be in control. Abuse victims have often been in other abusive relationships and it seems normal. Often the abuser will paint previous partners as being crazy bitches, and women feel sorry for them and do not believe it if they are told about the violence as they believe things will be different. That he'll change.
And as for the police believing the woman, when I sought help for bullying and harassing behaviour they did nothing and left me feeling worse than ever. But this was the same force which, when I reported a flasher, told me that I light by have been out alone in the daylight. This was not back in the 1960s but just a few years ago. Actually I wasn't alone but my then husband had gone off leaving me unable to find him

Abuse of anyone is wrong and saying what about the men, men are abused too, is not helpful for anyone. Don't take away from women's services, add services for men. What do such men need that women don't and add those. Interestingly I met abused lesbians, so some women do abuse other women, and am sure some gay men abuse their partners
Abused people need help appropriate to their situation, there is more help available for women because many more women are victims

For those who don't understand the problem, have a look at the link to Mumsnet in the OP.
Taken from it -
Mumsnet Founder Justine Roberts said: “We see so many conversations on Mumsnet in which users make disclosures about their partners’ behaviour. Most of the time, the person being controlled doesn’t realise that their partner’s behaviour is wrong, let alone criminal; they’re often asking for advice about how they can make their partner happier. We’re very proud of the many Mumsnet users who give a name to this behaviour and support those experiencing it.”

With coercive control I think you'll find that someone within the family is responsible in causing/creating this type of behaviour. A violent father ? An overly zealous mother ? Nobody is born this way.

Maryeliza *

Bordering on psychopathy I'd say Maryaliza.

Sara a brave post. By enjoying your new life and your independence you'll go a long way to redressing the balance. I wish you well.
Saggi why are you still with him?
He can't change now but you can. Sending supporting vibes.

EV but part of the explanation is the very process that coercive control entails - rewriting normal, gaslighting, undermining - it’s very very clever

I think some of the coercive partners can be very charming, very charismatic at their best.
They don't start their larks straight away, and often its very subtle in the beginning.

He sounds an absolute treasure, saggi!
Have the happiest of days on your birthday, in spite of him.
You know it will enrage him.

What I can't understand is the length of time the woman is with a controlling partner before she realises that " something is wrong ?" It goes into many years in some cases.

Nonnie the murder statistics ( the most extreme form of physical abuse) are very very very clear. No one doubts there are examples like yours but most abuse is very real and very underreported and very much aimed at women

You are so right Misadventure...’coercive’ people don’t realise that what they are doing IS. abusive! My husband has always gotten his own way ...even after the children were born....his wants and his needs of which there are so many ALWAYS had to come first. He was a shift worker ...and he made it his excuse for incredible laziness and for mostly ignoring the kids. I HAD to keep them quiet for hours at a time when he was trying to sleep ( usually 10 hours a day) ...it meant hours either playing in park or walking them round the streets or visiting friends ...I could never just keep them home and let them loose in their own garden. If I was ill and didn’t want to go out, the stream of insults was incredible from questioning my parenting skills to the validity of thier parentage( in front of them). He was and is an obnoxious excuse for s man. Tomorrow is my birthday ...my kids and grandkids are taken me out for lunch ....my husband has said he’s not going to be there as his football team is ‘on the telly’ and he’s not prepared to miss that for my birthday treat......I think you have the gist!!!

Contd...best table'. As if. He lived in the past and had no male friends whatsoever, no hobbies other than yelling at his wife and bringing her to tears. She'd beg me not to say anything to him. In the end their daughters stopped visiting and so (reluctantly) did I. She was such a wonderful person and I probably only saw half of what went on.

There is more help than ever nowadays and women are, by and large, much stronger. They have jobs and are not totally reliant on their husband's income.
It's sad that people need to be coercive or abusive in order to 'be' somebody. Is it genetic or learned behaviour or is it due to trauma in childhood which makes them overly controlling?
I hsd a friend whose H would ring several times when I took her for lunch, wouldn't let her wear trousers and called her dreadful names. She was popular with many friends. He became a nobody when he retired, as he'd been in the glow of showbusiness for all of his married life, 50+ years. I once booked a surprise meal for the 3 of us and he wanted to know where it was (I wouldn't say) and 'tell them who I am and they'll give us the best table)

Iam yes, in theory everything you say is true but in practice it doesn't happen like that. I do have reason to know.

Just imagine a few scenarios:

1 A woman calls the police and says a man is abusing her, they come but find no proof. Because there are young children social services are informed. She does it again, she tells the school or nursery, she builds a picture of an abused woman. What it the social worker supposed to think? There has been no abuse and the man doesn't want to tell the SW all the details because he is worried that the children will be taken away.

2 A couple split up and she is angry so does all she can to punish him. She keeps his property, she stalks him, she won't let him see his children she lies to the CSA about his earnings, she drives him to suicide.

Yes, these things happen, there are some really abusive women, just not many whose physical abuse gets reported and therefore are not in the statistics.

I reiterate, I know women are abused but I think that we should be fair and the media should pay some attention to men who are abused too. If they did then more men would feel able to report the abuse but, at the moment, I suspect it is for the most part hidden.

Sara a very moving post. I hope your new life works out and you find some peace and contentment

Oops
Nine in 10 women killed in 2016 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland died at the hands of someone they knew, family member or current/former partner. Only 9 were killed by a stranger.

March 2017 - March 2018, 1.9m people in England and Wales – 1.2 women and 713,000 men – experienced domestic abuse, according to the Office for National Statistics. Two women are killed every week in England by a partner or ex-partner

January - September 2017, at least 106 UK women have been killed by men, or where a man is the principal suspect which equates to one women dead every 2.6 days.

Nine in 10 women killed in 2016 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland died at the hands of someone they knew, family member of current/former partner. Only 9 were killed by a stranger.

Services to support people experiencing domestic abuse have faced severe cuts since 2010, when the coalition government came to power.

One woman dead every three days: domestic abuse in numbers

www.theguardian.com/public-leaders-network/2017/dec/14/domestic-abuse-violence-women-femicide-review-refuge-cuts-in-numbers?

I have ‘lived experience’ of being in a long marriage in which my husband used coercive control. I know that he is a deeply damaged, as well as damaging, man. On the one hand I can feel a level of compassion for him, but on another he has robbed me of so much and his attempts to destroy me psychologically have left me with a lot of deep scars to try and recover from (if I ever fully do...). It has also impacted on my children. He appears to be without guilt or remorse and, as I have moved a long way away to get away from him; he has as taken over my friendship groups and created his own narrative, which of course includes how caring he is and how ‘difficult’ I was, about my leaving, ensuring he has a narcissistic supply to replace my leaving and justify his often cruel behaviour. When I asked him why he had treated me as he had his response was “because I thought I could get away with it”. He is, of course, a well respected long standing (now retired) professional, amusing, charismatic and his family have rallied around him. During our long marriage I said nothing as I was made to feel worthless and to blame - an object of scorn and derision - and as well as a deep sense of shame felt no-one would believe me. I lost all trust (although had, as so many do, started a marriage, far too young, with enormous optimism) and became extremely scared of him. All the tactics of minimisation, denial, gaslighting, contempt were used against me and made me feel as though I was both bad and mad. I’ve still got a long way to go and don’t think I will ever trust someone enough to form another relationship (and, yes, he destroyed my sexual confidence too through marital rape and belittling me). It’s OK to be ‘theoretical’ about this, but, please, if you are trying to convince yourself that it must be your fault that you’re not happy in a marriage to a man who blames you, belittles you and puts you down in private for your unhappiness then don’t wait as long as I did thinking you could cope with it, that it would somehow get better if you tried harder, or should just accept it as the way marriage is. GO! It’s not an easy decision, and it’s a long and difficult road but it’s far better than the alternative of giving up on yourself.

Sorry to argue a point Squiffy, but coercive controllers know exactly what they're doing. They have a choice, just like the rest of us and they choose to make the victim's life miserable because they enjoy seeing the effect it has on them. I should know. I was there for longer than I care to mention. Proving you have been a victim of coercive control is another matter altogether and virtually impossible - and not just because the controllers are usually compulsive, pathological liars.

Meaning 90% of respondents had good relationships. Not a bad ratio in my book.