Coercive control

Well Annapops I can relate to some of that.
Told must not talk to people He did not know.
Hit when trying to rescue him when drunk.
Hauled out of social gatherings for talking to “ wrong man”.
Accused of seeing other men.
Paranoid as well as controlling.

My ex husband was the life and soul of the party. Mr Popular, everyone seemed to love him. In his company I always felt so small and undeserving which made him poke fun at my expense. This really hurt. I did genuinely believe there must be something wrong with me.
At home my ex was lazy, snappy and frequently called me names if I dared challenge his behaviour.
He drank every night claiming he got bored watching tv as an excuse. Although I worked he controlled the finances and I was often kept short of money.
The children, growing up saw him either flat out on the chair asleep after work or not at all, although my son was taken out like some kind of trophy every weekend to watch his dad play football. My ex's friends saw him as a devoted dad.
Again I thought there must be something wrong with me.
This is however the pattern. These men truly believe they are God's to be worshipped and like a little brainwashed fool I gave my ex such loyalty and devotion but mostly received scorn in return. The few times I would be given praise I was like a dog with a bone.
The discovery of my ex's affair brought about my awakening. Of course Mr Perfect thought he could still keep me dangling and I played along in part to get a divorce on my terms. Poor man couldn't quite believe how his most devoted fan turned in the end. No, I had no idea about coercive control back then but I sure do now.
I now know there was never anything wrong with me but there certainly was with him.

That's very sad to hear, Fernbergien.

I have been watching this thread with interest. Thought long and hard re doing a post. Husband controlling especially when I was young. Seems very caring to start with. Did not tell anyone. Thought I would not be believed as parents divorced and all mothers fault!!! Lots of rules/ demands from husband. Feel I have not had the life I wanted. Still married but could be happier. He appears a very nice chap to every one else.

I think there are so many subtle ways that men can control us, that it can be hard to explain to others how it makes you feel. If you are with someone who is always happy and upbeat when you are in company, then when you are alone he manipulates you or does something else that doesn’t involve any signs of abuse eg calling you names, keeping you short of money and so on, how do tell folk that he is in fact a horrible person. My first husband used his illness to manipulate me/ the kids. It was always ‘poor me, I have this terrible illness so I can shout and roar at you, demand sex from you’ and so on. He once got me by the throat because I tried to stop him pawing at me, but I couldn’t tell anyone because he was ‘ill’ and I thought I would be judged. I did eventually leave him after having counselling etc and then folk would say ‘I don’t know why you put up with him as long as you did’. So folk obviously knew, but no one wanted to say anything. It’s a very difficult problem.

Had a friendly email from local office suggesting that they actually have lots of toiletries but would really appreciate some little gifts so that the children can give something to their mums. I've put aside a couple of 'spare' boxes of chocs and will pick up some bits and pieces today. I'll include wrapping paper and sellotape.
They also need gifts for teenagers.
I really appreciate having this link as it's provided a way to help with a horrific problem and I can't help feeling that, without good family backup, my own daughter could have been in this position.
Have invited a few close friends to join me and we know where to deliver our collection.
Thank you FarNorth.

Have followed the link and found the local office, along with an email address.
Hoping for some advice on suitable little gifts which I could take to the office.
Thanks for that link.

sorry, I answered before I saw FarNorth's link

Jalima how do you donate to a woman's refuge?
Ah, good question Nonnie
I know someone who co-ordinates it; she collects donations then takes them to a local Women's Aid centre where the people there distribute it all.

If you google Women's Aid for your area you should find a phone number where a support worker should be able to advise you.

Thanks

The link takes you to the home page, at the top click on the Get Involved tab then a menu comes down one of which is donate goods click on that and follow

Thanks FarNorth but I was thinking of giving toiletries and toys rather than cash. Any ideas?

Nonnie you can donate here :

www.womensaid.org.uk

Jalima how do you donate to a woman's refuge? I think it is hard to find out where they are, is there a website? I thought they were kept secret so the abusers couldn't find them. I have toys and toiletries I could donate.

Why should we start another thread about men being abused? This thread is not only about women surely? We all know that woman are abused, the media gives it good coverage and it is sometimes in TV and radio drama but where is the coverage of women abusing men? You can't rely on any statistics as it is recognised that men are much less likely to report it than women.

Women so often call the shots, they can use the children as blackmail and some do. We have lots of cases on here of women who cut their partners family out of their lives and the poor man has to make a choice between his children and his family. We don't see many of the men making the women choose.

Please don't shoot down those of us who have experience of female coercive control each case is terrible whether man on woman or woman on man. It is not a competition.

Iam64, I just go on about violent women to get the men pity party as little as possible to think about in my post, and maybe give something to think about. One thing that years of being shouted down, and having innocent things I said used against me is that at times I try and make what I say pretty complete so as to avoid misinterpretation. You can't win, if you say things you are wrong if you say nothing you are wrong.
More awareness of coercive control must benefit abused men as well.
How I wish I'd got out before the children were on the scene, but there was not the understanding of abuse there is now, there was much more sexism, a friend had to get her husband's permission to go on birth control. Also while it was no longer a taboo, divorce was not as acceptable as it is nowadays. Look how Prince Charles wasn't allowed to marry Camilla. Marital rape was not recognised as a crime, sexual harassment at work was acceptable, equal pay for women had only just come in, it was better than in the days when some employers wouldn't keep a woman on if she married. An aunt had to pretend not to be married to keep her job. The system worked against us.
My retirement date and pension has been pushed back 6 years so I still have some time to go before I can enjoy that but it feels great to be out of him. Still have lots of aftereffects but life is tons better even with those

Its all so sad really that people have to fight for any help it should be available whatever your sex or age. In our case my son was given a phone number by the police to ring for help and support which he did but was told they had no one to help him as it was only women they supported Men are just don't come forward as its not perceived to be a manly thing to be abused by a woman.

where are the safe houses for men

No-one kindly provided refuges for women. They were originally started by women themselves.
Only once a real need was shown, were any of officialdom interested.

IT seems to me to be another name for control freaks.
Sadly My father was one of these,as well as physically abusing my mum. She learnt the signs and it then was just the coercive control. He was a charming man outside the home and when visitors came,but God help you if you did something he didn't like when they were there.Youd get it once they'd gone.
Everyone thought my parents were devoted to each other in later life as my mum was very rarely allowed out alone even with me. She was always worried in case we were late back,he'd accuse her of seeing someone,even when she was in her 70s.
Also my Mil said many years after her husband died, I'll never have another man bullying me.So very sad.
And many women are still living in coercive relationships today.

women, not woman.

Lara sorry to use this thread, but it seemed an appropriate place;
can I just suggest to posters that your local Women's Refuge would welcome some donations particularly at this time of year. Nice toiletries are always appreciated by the woman and, of course, there will be children who would love to receive a gift or even just some Christmas chocolates or sweets. Some Christmassy food items would be welcome too.

Saggi your story is very sad.
You sound as if you have lovely DC and DGC - why are you still with that man? Can they help you if you decide to leave.

I hope you have a lovely birthday meal with your family

Wines=women damn autocorrect

And also do you know how wines refuges were set up? By women fighting for them - perhaps men should be doing the same

No one is denying that men can be abused. There is a national helpline for men but as for safe houses the cuts implemented by this government are forcing the closure of refuges up and down the land.