Family

My brother in law and SIL (twins) haven’t spoken for years.
Both are now very ill. Yesterday my husband was going to take his brother out of the hospice because he wanted to see her. Unfortunately he was too weak so couldn’t manage it.
FF’s sake get them to sort it out.
Time does run out.

Is it that your daughter feels you are disloyal to her because you had her aunt to stay? She needs to understand that this is THEIR argument, that you love her and you love your sister and that you will care on as normal with both whilst THEY sort out their argument...and I they don't sort it that is their choice!!

But are you fearful of your daughter withdrawing from you because of this? That is understandable and scary! But please please don't let her take over your life and what you want to do, because of that fear. It is your daughter /sister who have to make choices, not you!

I agree with GabriellaG54

It depends what the falling out was about.

We don't have nearly enough information on which to base any help or advice but whatever the rights and wrongs it is quite clear that your daughter does not feel you are giving her the backup and support she expects from her mother and that you are therefore being disloyal by having your sister to stay with you. Do you really need to do this? It is inflaming the situation and putting your relationship with your own daughter and grandchildren at risk.

I don’t understand why your daughter wouldn’t stay in a house where her aunt has been, but isn’t actually there at the time? What does she think will happen? I do despair of people sometimes. Does she know how lucky she is to have a mum as an adult? Lots of us don’t. Or sisters for that matter. She does need a wake-up call. And think about her mum more.

...and, as a rider, Keep alcohol well out of reach. It's disgusting that women argue (and sometimes fight) after a drinking session. Have they no sense of decorum?

Sorry...her aunt not her sister.

Unbelievable!
Two adults, one of whom is refusing to stay in a house where her sister has stayed.
I'd leave them to it.
As others have said, why should it blight your life?
Carry on, be pleasant and loving to both but refuse go be drawn on any aspect of their petty squabble and close down firmly, any discussion/rant either of them starts.
Good luck
I hope they come to their senses.

Silly daughter

Perhaps the two of them need to realise and appreciate the damage they are doing to the whole family with their selfish attitude. One day one or the other will die and, in the grand scheme, a petty disagreement will never be resolved for any of the family

1. The relationship (or lack thereof) between two adults is not your problem to referee.

2. Your daughter isn't obligated to stay with you.

3. When your daughter is visiting, I'd suggest not having your sister over. And vice versa.

Families are strange, aren't they. My sister reported my daughter to Social Services after they had a row and it has certainly damaged the whole family. I wholly took my daughter's side and told my sister I would be civil to her at family events but that was as far I was prepared to go. My boys took the same line even though we had said we would not hold it against them if they felt it wasn't their row. I felt I absolutely had to take my daughter's side especially as my sister had always ranted on about how she felt that our Mum had never backed us. Certain members of my family were absolutely horrible about it but I just shrugged it off. They can forgive her, that is their prerogative. My daughter made it quite clear that she would not hold it against anybody who felt they couldn't take sides.
Whatever you decide is the way forward, that is the right thing to do. If your sister is the empathetic type, I might ask if she could apologise just so you don't get caught up in the row. I think healing the problem is better than taking sides if you can.

if your daughter wants to pay stay somewhere instead of accepting your invitation it's up to her. Tell her she can stay wherever she likes but you're not cutting off your other family and neither are you having an exorcism any time soon

You probably think that saying there was fault on both sides is you remaining neutral and not taking sides. No one involved will think this. More likely both will be angry you have ascribed blame to them.

Presumably you still have relationships with your sister, daughter and grandchildren? If so what are you currently missing out on? Are you able to enjoy visits with your daughter and GCs without having to clear up after them etc?

How sad that a disagreement between your daughter and your sister leaves YOU as ‘referee’. They’re the ones who should sort it out, and I think you should say to each of them that it’s not your problem and you will welcome them both into your home - they should then decide what to do.

I would just continue inviting both of them as and when I saw fit, and leave them to sort out THEIR issues.

I agree with OutsideDave. There is not enough information to know the circumstances.
Did you hear the whole argument, particularly how it started? Was anything particularly hurtful said? Did your daughter try to tell you why she was so upset and did you listen? What was their relationship like before?
You may have decided that they were both as bad as each other but your daughter has been hurt by something said and your sister has not.
You have dismissed your daughter's feelings by just deciding that it was 6 and half a dozen. Maybe it is but you are her mother and she should be able to talk to you. Tell you that you understand that she was hurt and will listen to her if she wants to talk. If she does, genuinely listen without any preconceptions. Acknowledge the things that your sister said that were wrong but explain that you are not able to cut her out of your life.
As long as your daughter feels that you have taken sides and you do nothing to correct that, you have to accept that the relationship will remain as it is.

Hold her upside down and shake some commonsense into her!

I’m on the side of those who say your relationship with your daughter is more important.

that is so sad, but we have had similar. I've found that both time & listening to each point of view helps plus offering some sort of olive branch, maybe pointing out to each that the other was wrong but maybe time to let bygones be bygones? We're all here for just a very short time after all and it would be awful if anything were to happen to either of them whilst the feud festers. Maybe you could offer to take them both out to lunch somewhere else would help? I've often found towards the end of a few words about making peace getting both in the same room helps.

Ahhh! Thanks for that Gabriella!
Got the wrong end of the stick there and making it more confusing than it already is. ?

It feels like there's more to this. I wonder if, in the past, she's felt that you took someone-else's side and not hers? What's going on elsewhere in her life? How did they get on before this incident? Has anyone spoken to your sister about the situation? Can you not plead with both of them to work it out - maybe a "sorry" letter from each? (If not for their sakes, then for yours - stuck between the two of them). I've seen these family fallouts fester for decades if not tackled early on. Don't let that happen. Be proactive in getting them both to grow up and make peace.

Buffybee
I think the OP meant that her DD won't stay at her house with her (the daughter's) children who are the OP's GC.

Just meet up 'elsewhere' - simpler for you not to have house guests.

Although it seems like your daughter is going a bit far with this, I for one have been involved with family disagreements that for some reason get out of hand and fester on for years. Logic goes out of the window. Could you guarantee to your daughter that your sister wont visit whilst she is there, and then if your daughter does stay it will give you time to try and get her to see your perspective. After all if you take sides it will guarantee that the rift will be for ever, and then you - and probably everyone else - will be the worse off in the long run. Easy to say I know.