I'm not sure how to handle this ...

Thank you all SO much for all your advice, encouragement and comments. It's really helping me to get the right perspective. I do tend to "beat myself up" when relationships are challenging (I suffered childhood trauma). So many of you have been really kind and, on reflection I do agree that 'time can change things' and it's best not to force anything. I suppose I do feel aggrieved that because some of us are Mothers of son's, we really do seem to get the short straw. In answer to some questions posed though, I have two son's both now married but the thing is that when the first son married (some 8yrs ago) I/we suffered exactly the same thing and you're mostly all right in that it only changed when our DG arrived on the scene some 5yrs ago. Bit of a nightmare therefore to be in the same situation yet again (you'd think I'did now be an expert wouldn't you!) ? Nevertheless, it is worth all the hard work to keep the family together and yes, I absolutely am SO grateful that our DS still comes to visit us. I'm incredibly grateful to you all for taking time to help and advise me. X

It sounds about normal to me CanOnlyTry, my son calls round at least a couple of times a week after the Gym, raids my fridge ?and goes. My Dil is very close to her Mum and family and I have never seen her a lot, apart from family occasions but I still feel that we "get on" and like each other, I keep in touch with her by Facebook mainly.
My daughter lives very close and I have always been very hands on, helping with the Grandchilden and am at their house quite a bit. I don't see a lot of my my Son in Law, as he works long hours so I only see him in passing, I usually wave to him in his "man cave", when he's watching football, but I know he likes me.
In fact my daughter told me recently that he had said, thank goodness we have your Mum, and how would we manage without her.
Which I thought was lovely!

I rarely see my son-in-law - my daughter is very close and I see the children often, but SIL works long hours and on his days off they do things as a family. I don't have any problems with that at all . I'd say that the only times we see him is on birthdays and Christmas, to tell the truth. It has never occurred to me that this should be any different - not everyone likes visiting relatives .

In your case I'd just let it be. There doesn't seem to be any ill will involved - just roll with the flow.

I think she means to visit, not the other meaning of the word - though that might be true as well ;)

Canonlytry
Ps DIL too busy? so son comes on his own? ???????

This is a shot in the dark but is son your one and only ?It is not unusual for a 'one and only' to be very attached to his mum and can lead to a 'bit' of jealousy on the part of his wife ?Talk to son and let him know your feelings as this is the only way and should GC come on to the scene.

She sounds like exactly the type of busy person who will be very happy for your son to bring the children to see you and give her some time to organise stuff, catch up on work, or even just have a rest. And that means you can be yourself with your grandkids without her watching over it all.

I have two daughter-in-laws. One I have a great relationship with, we're not in each others pockets but she is always there when I need her. They live quite close so I always do what I can to support her and she really does appreciated any help. On the other side of the coin my other DIL does not want to know my son's family. My son lived happily on his own for over twenty years, He had a good job, lived in a great barn conversion close to his work. His life was music and sport, going regularly to concerts. He had brilliant times with my GC

His Dad was diagnosed terminally ill and suddenly my son had a 'friend,' within six weeks of knowing her they were engaged and a date set for the Wedding. No consideration given to what the family were going through. Under difficult circumstances I tried my best to welcome and get to know her to no avail. She made it perfectly clear that when they were married they wanted nothing to do with the family. We were banned from the Wedding which was the day after his Dad's funeral. She is in complete control, isolating him from everyone. Even persuaded him to give his job up and go and live in Yorkshire.

Same as Nanny France, I have a friend whose DIL was distant she unexpectedly became pregnant. The baby was born and my friend hardly ever got to hold him or feed him etc. Suddenly DIL announces she has decided to return to work. MIL has the baby now sometimes more than his mother!!

Dear Canonlytry - well done for the good groundwork you have laid with your DIL. She has a very demanding and busy life, and i think the only reason she has not connected with you emotionally yet, is because neither of you have been in a situation together over longer time with shared experiences. With time, and hopefully grandchildren, you will find things will change for the better between you. You sound like a lovely MIL. Don’t change! Continue to give love, and support. At present you are on the periphery of her very busy life, she does not mean any unfriendliness, i’m sure. Stick with it! The relationship between you will deepen and thrive eventually. Give it much more time.?

This seems a new trend ..I still believe that the son or daughter has a large responsibility in trying to ensure that there is a relationship with the partner to be

It was the same for me until DIL had children and wanted a childminder. Then I saw plenty of them all, when it was convenient for her. Now the kids are older, we see very little of them again. So if you take my advice, get on with your life and make as many friends as you can. Friends will remain friends always. When the time comes that your services are no longer required, you won’t get to see much of your DC or GC.

Our hearts go out to you - we have the same problem. We asked our son what we had done inadvertently to upset her but he told us "nothing". Don't actually believe this, but the very last thing we want to do is alienate him or our darling GDs. DIL has a dreadful relationship with her own mother too, but we watch her interact with her peers, when she is outgoing and seemingly happy, which is the opposite way she is with us.
We too bend over backwards to accommodate her but nothing works. We are now at the stage where we are polite, but if she doesn't speak to us for weeks on end, that's her problem.

Let it run I've got the same with daughters in law we get on well but I've learnt mothers of sons take second best just run with it and adapt I've had too my husband said its just the way it is but we'd rather have some contact than none.

Our son-in-law lost his Mum just before they got married, and his father was divorced from his Step-Mum a few years ago and re-married to a lady who is only 6 years older than my son-in-law, so I am now his Mum! We get on like a house on fire!

I see my daughter several times a week but only see her husband for social occasions a couple of times a year and also at the beginning and end of the evening if I babysit. Seeing him just small doses suits us both fine. I always accompanied my husband though when he went to see his family but I was a stay at home mum.

I wouldn't push things - I've seen what that can do. Be glad that you still see your son; don't forget her birthday, etc. to let her know that you're thinking of her. I suspect that things will change when they have children (it often does).

Not sure there is anything you can do apart from be friendly and welcoming. This is an increasing issue with DiLs not wanting contact with their husband's family and even, in some cases, making him choose between her and them. Don't push it in case it goes to that extreme.

I think many of us may not have had much in common with our inlaws but made the effort to get on with them because that was just what we did. These days they see no need.

As expressed on another thread I wonder if some of them will suddenly change as the in laws get older and make plans about who to leave inheritance to. Sounds hard but I have seen what the love of money can do.

Hi, it’s the same in our family. I just do my duty towards her and don’t expect anything back. It’s my partners family. My own daughter-in -law is fantastic thank goodness.

I don't think that there is really anything to handle. If she does a responsible job and is busy, her free time will be valuable and if she feels obliged to spend it with you she would probably be fretting about getting things done. It takes time to become friends and it has to be allowed to take its own time.
I agree with people who have said that your son visits so she is not trying to interfere in that relationship. Enjoy your time with him and be light and welcoming when you do see her and it will be okay.

Everyone is different. I go and see my parents every week, and take my mother out for lunch, not dad as he says he is not a ‘lunch’ person. My husband may come down twice a year. We see his parents once a year together for two weeks because they live on another continent.

Our daughter comes to see us on her own sometimes, her husband is often busy with his sport, so he doesn’t always visit with her. They tend to see his parents together, because they live two hundred miles away and their trips there are more of a short break whereas we are 10 miles away and easier to ‘pop’ over.

Your son wants to see you, and he comes over fairly frequently. I would, in your shoes, be pleased - we hear so many sad stories on Gransnet of sons who get subsumed into their wives families and never see their own parents. ?

Be glad that your visits you. Some of us don't get visits....we have to go to their houses when we want to see them.

Leave it lie and try not to brood on it. This is the first time she has been a DIL and she is just carrying on with her life and probably does not realise that you even mind about this.

Send back loving wishes to her when your son visits, and do not read anything into the fact that you see little of her. Do not catastrophise!!!

One of my SILs we see less of - he is often busy. But we send our love and he is fine for the brief periods he is here - a bit overwhelmed by our "clan" of females maybe!

I wouldn't worry about this OP. I like my partners parents but it wasn't until my DD was born that I really spent time with them. Prior to that I would just attend birthday/Christmas/
Mother's Day events. But equally DP would only have that level of contact with my family. We like each other's families enough, but we just always saw our respective families as our own 'duty' to visit until DD was born. Since then we have spent more time with each other's families, but DP still rarely visits mine, and I visit his as he asks me to. As long as she's not stopping your DS visiting you then I wouldn't worry about it.

It may be that they don't have children for a very long time and you could be stressing yourself for years over nothing. If your son still visits and she's polite enough to you when you see her then I would see it as a blessing, at least you don't have an evil DIL

I would just keep the invites going so that you've kept the opportunity for a relationship open, but expect her not to come. Then if they do ever have children at least it obvious that you've tried to build a relationship with her before. Like I said, I never made a real attempt with DPs Mom, just as she didn't with me. But when we told her I was pregnant she was suddenly all over me like a rash and that was quite irritating as she hadn't wanted a relationship with me before either, so it was quite obvious it was only due to me carrying her grandchild. So I would keep the offers going, at least occasionally so it's obvious you would like a relationship with her as a person, rather than just due to a pregnancy.

I wonder though, how often do you see her (you say DIL, so I assume they're married) and you must have at least seen her at the wedding? And how often are you asking to see her (and your son)?

Hello CanOnlyTry....Maybe you should try just mentioning her to your son when he visits, asking after her and wishing her well etc., without actually trying to pin her down to a visit.
Perhaps one day he will volunteer her reasons for not being as involved as you would like?
This may just be how she wants it for now.

I should hate for both of your positions to become entrenched with your son in the middle.

I understand your worries about children in the future, but many a slip twix cup and lip! Motherhood may change her attitude, who knows?

From my perspective I would be glad my son was still happy to visit, and make sure so far as I could that he feels comfortable and welcome (I'm quite sure he does!!).

I do empathize with your frustration and concern though!

Good luck and please relax and enjoy your son's company