Absent grown up children.

Namsnanny - the thing is, I used to feel guilty if I didn’t call my parents once a week. This was because my parents expected it. My husband always called his mother on a Sunday till she moved nearby - he used to sigh when he knew he had to call and would “get it out of the way”.
He did (and does) love her. Just as I loved my own parents.. He drops everything if she needs something and never complains.
But, I don’t want calls to me to be “got out of the way” in the first place. So much better if they are made “as and when”.
In between we use WhatsApp, as do so many others.

On another note, there are numerous versions of this saying: “There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings”
Sometimes, it’s hard to let them go, but giving them wings to fly is as important as roots. - And it’s just SO lovely when they choose to fly home for a visit!

Haven’t seen or spoken with my only child in over a year. Haven’t seen or spoken to my grandchildren in over two. There has been no falling out, no argument, no bad behaviour on either side, just a slow push out of their lives. Tried phoning, texting, writing. Everything unanswered. Got a Christmas card and a birthday card, so not totally forgotten. Note in Christmas card just said “We’ve been busy”, so was I the three hospital admissions I had, and subsequent recovery. I’ve no other family, but am blessed with wonderful friends.
As much as it is devastating, if they don’t want you in their lives there is nothing you can do about it. Try to get on with life and just keep hoping for better.

I think we all feel this way. I know I do. Our DS does keep in touch, usually by replying to my texts, but my nieces and nephew have dropped us and their paternal aunt since their mother, my sister, died. Other young people, not family, but friends don't keep in touch very much either.

The excuse is always that they are busy.

Perhaps we complained too much when they were children about the demands our elders made on us, and they have decided to leave it to us to get in touch?

Strange how things change, when my children were younger we very often took my parents with us for a day out My in laws were dairy farmers so were lucky to get a day out. Things have changed.

I remember someone sending me one of those e-mails- an old lady obviously on her death bed with all the family around her. the caption was something like- pity you couldn't have taken the trouble to do this more often when i could have appreciated it not wait until now!

As the line from the poem- WHY do wait to tell a person our love until it becomes TOO late?

We make appointments for phone calls ! And we always speak when they're in the car, hurtling around the country.

It's the way it is for us.

Having said that, we're busy too !

Yes I think we have to be stoical. I remember despairing of my mum when she was demanding of me as I had two children a demanding full time job and a complex partner... I felt spread so thin. So I take with a pinch of salt that my son is always in a meeting or trying to buy something or the children want his attention... so I don’t ring much. Of course if they ring you it wouldn’t occur to them you would be too busy .
It’s not our time with them. It’s our time to find different joys, in nature, and in my case my lovely dogs. I’m so good with plants nowadays! My art is better, had s book published! Spend your time with those that benefit most from it and be grateful that you have raised children that are independent. I’ve sometimes wondered whether I would prefer dependent children. It would make me feel important and needed... but I don’t think that is something to be wished for.
As many if you have said every child has its own personality and how they cope with this necessary natural distancing. Take it as an achievement and spread your energies and love elsewhere. You never lose what is truly yours, trust them and let them go

I think young families do lead busy lives and as we get older we have to accept that they can not be calling you or visiting frequently.
I follow DC on FB so I know roughly where they are. I do not expect them to ring or text me and I certainly do not bother them unless it is essential.

We use whatsapp video call to have breakfast together at least once a week...family live 1000 miles away, but are right here in the room with me...we even have the same breakfast !!

i ring or text my girls everyday just to check in make sure they are ok, they dont always text me back but i know there busy and it does get to me sometimes but just how it is these days.

NannySharonof3 I'm with you - 2 way street. I worked full-time for 40yrs and we lived between an hour and 3 hours away at different times, but we visited every school holiday for 25yrs. My mum had no concept of how tired I was, and sometimes would ask why I was visiting others while I was down!

My children are busy .. lm happy that they lead a full life..I see my daughter and grandchildren most weeks, my son not so often.... my daughter texts everyday... I’m retired and lead a full life myself... Luckylegs keep yourself busy , make new friends, and try a new hobby!

Another one for using WhatsApp. Son and dil have just late last year had their first baby . We have seen them once a week since
How ever daily comments on the family chat and photos are wonderful
Son does try to see me for lunch every few weeks which is wonderful
Having faculties like WhatsApp means... there's always contact which is lovely

I'm with you namsnanny, I can identify with everything you've said.It seems in your family, like mine you have different personalities, when I think back to how my ac were when young I can see now how I've ended up, my oldest dc is very much like me and his grandad, so I shouldn't be surprised really.The difference being that I and my dad always kept in touch with family out of duty, of course they never knew this.The young people today don't seem to have that feeling.I dont badger my ac because I've always said I don't want them to feel they have to visit, only when they would like to. We wait mostly, until they take the initative, when they feel they would like to see us.We have a lovely time, all be it; not very often.

Can I suggest FB ? I get daily updates /photos from my brood about what they , my grandkids, great grandchildren are doing . I also keep in close contact with the rest of the family who live far away in the same way .
I do see my family often but they know that the quickest way to get me in on messenger.
They know that I care about all of them but that I don’t expect them to put me first as I feel that their children should take priority

One thing is it probably means they are healthy and getting on with their lives. It works both ways. One alternative is being in the sandwich generation . I have a son with recurrent depression still living with us a daughter withMS who needs care 50 / of the time also her daughter lives with us part of the week and my other grandchildren who are here Monday to Wednesday and a husband who is ill to .

I speak to my son about once a week, usually on a Friday, sometimes we meet in town for a coffee, a chat and look in a particular shop (we both share the same interest in stained glass) The gc, well they all have their own lives and we keep in touch by Facebook and I am happy with that. We all have our busy own lives but if I need my son to help with anything he will always come over as soon a possible. I feel we get on well and it is as I want it.

I am lucky that my 3 children keep in contact, I also have 2 grandchildren. It's not everyday as they are all very busy, but we do send each other texts and have now formed a WhatsApp family group which works really well, but there's also FaceTime that works better for others as we can all find 5 minutes in our day to keep in touch!

We have just had a lovely year as my daughter was on maternity leave and we were able to see a lot of her,our son in law and our baby grandson.She is now back at work and we are all having to adjust to not seeing as much of them but they need to get settled in to their new way of life.We hope to see them every couple of weeks and then there are birthdays and family occasions to look forward to.They have their lives to lead and that is how it is and what we want for them.It is up to us to make a life for ourselves now they are grown,hard though it is some days.It is a work in progress for all of us and thank goodness for WhatsApp,messenger etc for regular contact.We look after our granddaughter two days a week so see that little family more.

Would agree with Blencathra. The main answer is to have your own life - try to have something arranged every day, so matter how small. The days when families lived near each other, where the Mum didn't have to work, and when they lived in each others pockets is long gone. However, I don't think it's too much to ask to have a quiet word and ask if there can be a regular time when you can be included, e.g. A friend of mine treats her daugher, SIL and children to Sunday lunch out once a month - yes she has to pay. But I do know someone who moved closer to her son and DIL to get help when her husband was ill. He died very soon afterwards, leaving her stranded - as she very rarely saw the family, and all her attempts to be included were rebuffed, and all she got was "we're SO busy". She ended up moving back to where she had lived (she put the house on the market without telling them!), but in supported housing (at least she had friends there) and made her own life. (She recently told me that she had changed her will and left all her money to a couple of charities; suffice to say, she is still seething).

I think it's healthy for adult children to keep their distance. When I left home at 18 there were no mobile phones. I rang my parents from a phone box once a month. We all accepted I'd flown the nest and this was considered normal. Perhaps we expect too much contact now?

Both my dd and 4 grandchildren ( 25/23 live in the US and 9/ 5 live in Oz, I don't speak to my girls or grandchildren that often, because of the time differences
I know they Love me and I love them with all my heart,
Although i wish they lived closer as my house is not a warm family home and hasn't been since they all visited together 7 years ago.
I miss that so much, but I keep my self busy and visit when I can

When we experience the empty nest syndrome we have to then fill that nest as best we can with friends and other interests. There is nothing wrong with letting AC know if you are struggling a bit, you just have to find a happy healthy balance between their lives and yours.

My mum used to say to me that I didn’t see her or talk to her enough. But in my case it was always a one way street as she would never call me or hop on a bus or say hey are you doing anything tonight let’s have dinner. I have two daughters one in Australia and the other one and a half hours drive away. We all talk most days via what’s app so I don’t feel I’m missing out. I visit the uk one at least once a month and once a year with the Oz one. I’m moving closer to the uk one this year and when we had the conversation. I did make a point of saying I don’t expel you to invite me to everything I will go out and find my own life. This is my life but what I’m saying is I don’t wait for them, I go to them. And I get response and it keeps the relationship going. It is a two way street.

Just a thought.....what about people who don’t have children....they have no expectation of visits or phone calls and just have to get on with it.

Your post reminds of the song “The Cat’s in the Cradle”. It was written & originally sung by Jim Croce, I believe. Ugly Kid Joe did a cover version. X