Gransnet forums

What do men do?

(23 Posts)
BradfordLass72 Fri 25-Jan-19 07:38:24

If a woman wants a child without being married, it is comparatively easy. But what do men do?

I have a sweet male friend who would dearly love children. I've seen him with his sister's three and he's the ideal uncle but he wants children of his own.
He's 42 now and although he's had a few girlfriends and one engagement (which broke after a year when she said she did not want kids) he says he's running out of time. He has a responsible job but could work as a consultant if he had a child to care for.
Is there an answer? What do broody men do?

GrannyGravy13 Fri 25-Jan-19 07:41:12

Adopt or surrogacy, are two options.

yggdrasil Fri 25-Jan-19 08:05:27

Adopt? Foster? Find a surrogate mother?

LullyDully Fri 25-Jan-19 08:08:38

Fostering a wonderful option, so many children need love and a good role model.

anxiousgran Fri 25-Jan-19 08:17:21

Yes, as above.. Foster and adoptive parents are very much needed in our area I hope he will explore this option, and get a match. I don’t think there should be a barrier for a single man, single women do it.
Hope all works out for him.

M0nica Fri 25-Jan-19 09:00:42

Quite a number of men, admittedly mainly gay couples, have used surrogates to have children. Look at Elton John and David Furnish. Therefore I can see no reason why a man on his own should not have a child.

FountainPen Fri 25-Jan-19 09:37:35

Robin Hadley has written a lot about this not just from the perspective of single men but from men in relationships whose wives and female partners cannot have children.

It's interesting that the official statistics about childlessness (through choice or medical circumstance) are all about women. There are no numbers for men. However, based on there being roughly equal numbers of men and women it's estimated that around 25% of men in their mid 40s are childless.

We hear a great deal about childlessness from the woman's pespective but not the man's. Robin has worked hard to give men a voice.

I first came across Robin through an organisation (now) called Ageing Well Without Children CIC (AWwoC) a social enterprise dedicated to campaigning and providing information and support to people over 50 without children whether through choice, circumstance, infertility, bereavement, estrangement, distance or any other reason.

awoc.org/

mabon1 Fri 25-Jan-19 11:00:18

Foster, adopt or surrogate.

NotSpaghetti Fri 25-Jan-19 11:20:02

My lovely friend (now in his 60s), ALWAYS wanted a family from when I first met him at maybe 19.
At 25ish he moved in with a single mum and loved her tiny daughter like his own... but he never had his own, and when she left him, 12 or so years later, it was the loss of the teenager that was hardest to bear.
His "new" partner, 10 years younger than him, said she didn't want a family as she was growing a career. He thought (wistful but not pushy), that she might change her mind, but she has not, and now they are growing old together with no children, but a stream of rescue dogs!
The good news is that the young woman he helped to raise kept in contact with him and still sees him regularly. Sometimes he still tells us how lucky we are to have a family, but the brooding of his younger years is just a shadow.
As with most things, time heals.

sarahellenwhitney Fri 25-Jan-19 11:42:23

Why not foster or adopt.? There are many children orphaned /unwanted who would love some one they could call mum or dad.

Razzy Fri 25-Jan-19 12:12:14

It also depends what age women he is meeting. If he is dating 20 year olds then he might find it easier to date women nearer his age.He could go online and search out women who want children asap.

sodapop Fri 25-Jan-19 14:24:59

I agree with everyone else, there is a need for foster parents and your friend could take this on with a view to adoption. There are a lot of children needing love and care in the world already.

EllanVannin Fri 25-Jan-19 14:39:28

Strange how men aren't thought about when it comes to wanting children. They must feel as hurt as women do when no children appear on the scene for whatever reason, yet they don't seem to have the same considerations as women.

Things certainly aren't as equal in that respect and it seems so unfair.
I'm talking single men as opposed to those who have partners.

BradfordLass72 Fri 25-Jan-19 18:58:13

Thank you for all this, particularly the Robin Hadley link which I'll forward.

Fostering and adopting as a single man is out of the question, according to his preliminary enquiries to social services.

Nanny27 Fri 25-Jan-19 19:10:07

Could he explore on line dating? Much more reputable and acceptable than it used to be. That way he could filter out women who do not want children.

NotSpaghetti Sat 26-Jan-19 09:07:14

I think the reason the focus is on women is mainly our biology. Men can naturally become fathers much later than women can become mothers, and of course the experience of carrying a baby is inherently a female one, no matter how involved the father is.

FountainPen Sat 26-Jan-19 09:11:17

You are welcome BradfordLass.

Several people have suggested fostering and adoption but I think this misses the point. Adoption is rarely seen as a first option. Women want to give conceive and give birth to their own child. Similarly many men want to experience the process of pregnancy with a loved partner and see their own children born and grow.

I know it's drama, but The Archers has a long running surrogacy storyline involving a male couple. I recall the dialogue in which they discussed who would be the natural father. One very much wanted to be the donor. He was devastated when he found his sperm was not viable. Part of his regret came from him having had a very close relationship with his late mother and wanting to create the natural grandchild he had not been able to give her in her lifetime.

pamhill4 Sun 27-Jan-19 00:48:13

Adopt, foster, surrogacy or co parent with a woman in the same situation(plenty of requests for this online and both parents benefit from the support and input of the other parent but just like a divorced parent scenario)

Tabb Fri 01-Feb-19 00:14:56

Maybe he could keep trying for a relationship . There are many people of similar age or a bit younger online who want children too.Just keep going- they say there is someone for everyone.
Perhaps a woman in mid to late 30's .
Get a tough skin and date a lot online . It seems to be the only way now- a -days.

Izabella Fri 01-Feb-19 11:21:04

FountainPen thank you for that link

EveWillis Mon 18-Feb-19 10:45:54

Hello!
And you did not consider the possibility of surrogacy in another country?
It seems to me that if you go to an infertility clinic in Eastern Europe, it will cost you much less than you think.
In addition, for example, Ukraine does not need a visa for foreigners at all. This is much easier than doing a bunch of permits and immigration documents. In addition, there is a fairly loyal legislative system, often in private clinics, there are lawyers who advise foreigners.
Check here for more info: ivf-international.com/surrogacy-in-ukraine

Dontaskme Mon 18-Feb-19 17:46:30

"Fostering and adopting as a single man is out of the question, according to his preliminary enquiries to social services." Complete bunkham. Tell him to contact the many fostering agencies that advertise online - Action for Children, Blue Sky Fostering, Barnardos to name a few, there are many many more . They will be happy to engage with him to see if he is suitable, regardless of him being single.

Dontaskme Mon 18-Feb-19 17:47:51

Sorry just realised this is an old thread that has been rehashed for some reason!