Respect?

Hello there ,
Respectfully.... have you thought about how you come across to others...sometimes we need to look at ourselves to in regards to how others treat us...Just a thought:-)

Personally, if my daughter (if I had one) and SiL walked into my house, without greeting me, started to repair damage, I assume made by their dog, and daughter started cleaning the kitchen, I'd have picked up my keys and gone out and left them to it for the day- but on the way out, saying thank you to them for doing it.
As far as your friend is concerned, no problem with just saying " Oh yes, just give me a ring to let me know" .

I understand this, but sadly don't have the answers. Firstly I work from home and I have a friend who will call at any time suitable to her. If I don't answer the door she will ring to get me to open the door. I'd finished early one day and I was out walking the dogs and she turned up. She said she rung the doorbell, then went around the side, gate normally lock but it wasn't that day - knocked on the back door, tried it - it was locked, went up the garden to my office and then proceeded to phone me 18 times(I'd left phone at home). She drove up and down the road looking for me. Was there some emergency I hear you ask, No there wasn't she said she just thought she would call in as she was free. I don't mind here popping in - but to be mindful of working ours etc and that I just might have a life too.

Ask your daughter and sil for the keys to their house.
When you have the keys turn up and make yourself at home without any greeting. Put the kettle on and inspect their bathroom.

2 of my 3 adult sons have left and both still have keys. I don't mind at all if they wander in. Sadly, I must have done something wrong with their upbringing, as, to date, none have been caught with a mop in their hands! If only!

I do have a rule that the remaining son, or 2 that have left, ring if they are bringing anyone else with them though as my DH sometimes sits on the downstairs loo with the door open! And I have been known to wander around with my hair sticking up on end and scantily dressed. Don't want any of their friends to end up in therapy

Maybe they were just grumpy and bit embarrassed that their dog had misbehaved and thought they would do the repair and have a clean up at the same time to do you a favour. You don't sound doddery, walking your dogs etc. so I doubt they were treating you as such. And if you are close, not sure I'd worry too much about them formally greeting you. They sound comfortable just turning up and sorting things out without having any formalities.

I wouldn't make too much of it.

I had a good career, social life and level of fitness but you'd never know it the way mine speak to me. Like it never happened. You're only as good as your last performance type of thing. Family and friends are guilty of this too. One irritated me recently during a heated discussion about working in the private sector. It was all I could do not to scream 'YES I KNOW. I ALSO WORKED IN IT FOR 21 YEARS'! Once you've retired, apparently, you've lost your marbles, experience and knowledge of anything.

I do try to accept it but I think as we age the roles start to reverse a bit. Best not to fight it and get too crochety as they may come in useful for changing the incontinence pads. Revenge

I have keys for both DDs and I think they both have keys for mine. But when we let ourselves in we shout hello! Well unless I am feeding the cats because they are away!

Mine let themselves in and then shout a cheery greeting from the hall!
My kitchen floor needs a clean, I am quite capable of doing it but I'm on here instead, so could your DD pop round and do mine while she's in a cleaning mood please?

And, having been caught on the hop in my dressing gown by callers, I am now up, dressed with immaculate hair and makeup by 6.30 every morning.

DIL won't just walk in although I have told her she can. She always rings the bell if she's not with DS.

I have a key to my parents' home in case of emergencies.

Coming round for a visit is NOT an emergency. The bell should be rung, door knocked etc.

I would only go home, pick up the spare key and let myself in if I thought they were lying half dead on the floor. Otherwise they have every bloody right not to answer the door to me.

All four of our children have keys, but none of them would think of just walking in, they always knock, and usually let me know if they are around and would we like a visit? If any of them let themselves in and didn't greet me, (can't imagine it ever happening) they would get a very surprised reaction and am 'I am here, you know?!'

Great post breeze

Nowadays we don’t just ‘drop in’ - when I was a child friends did just ‘drop in’. I suppose many did have phones to arrange a visit but I remember my mum just stopping what she was doing and the kettle went on - or, if it was something that couldn’t stop, friends took us as they find us

My DSs and my older DGS all have a key to my house. They all walk in and shout "Hello" as they come through the door. If I am busy they will settle themselves in the living room and may even put the TV on. If only they would clean things, or fix things without me having to ask at least 3 times!
I pick up my younger DGCs from school and have a key to their house, as everybody is out when I go there I just let myself in.
As for friends they know I have a disorganised lifestyle and may be out if they call round unexpectedly.

I acknowledge that my DC are far more competent than me

And, even though they have their own homes, this is still their home as long as they don't want to come back here to live

Like most I'm guessing, my 'kids' have a key to our house (as we do to theirs) mainly as a back up for a variety of reasons.

We live in a sort of upside down house, so front door is downstairs but most of the living area, terrace & garden is upstairs. It drives me crazy that my DD & SIL persist in using the garden steps to come up and hence just walk in through the terrace doors etc. No privacy for a start! I expect everyone to ring the front door bell and we go down to let them in.

I've mentioned it numerous times but to no avail. My SIL once came round (totally unexpected) with a pal. Lovely hot summer day and there I was sunbathing in my knickers!
Embarrassed, furious, no escape! You would have thought he would have learnt!

I again told him last Monday when he collected GS from ours after school "please ring the bell downstairs" so let's see what happens this evening.

All I know is that when we visit them I knock & wait at the front door. Would never just walk round to their back garden. Everyone needs privacy even from their beloved family .....

I learnt young never to leave doors unlocked after nearly being caught in flagrante delicto (with husband) by 90 year old gran who had just breezed in through the back door to a call of only me.

I find it a little odd that your daughter and son-in-law didn't say hullo. Next time that happens I would say cheerily, "Well, hullo to you too".

As they have a key, if you would prefer them to ring the door-bell before using it, say so. Either make a joke of it, saying you want time to put your teeth in or something like that, or say that it may be silly, but just hearing the door opening made you nervous.

But apart from that, I too have noticed for years that as soon as you reach retirement age a certain number of people do start treating you as if you were incompetent.

I remember remarking to my aunt, an intelligent lady, that I would find it annoying to be spoken to as if I was mentally incompetent for no other reason than that I had reached the age of seventy. She laughed and said she found it very tiring, but there didn't seem to be anything you can do about it.

My father was more forthright, saying, " I may be old, but I'm no daft, ye know." anytime anyone tried patronising him.

I love it when visitors just pop in we don't make appointments here. Never have. If my DIL or sons came and did some cleaning I would love it. Probably would also have a heart attack with the shock lolol

I have keys to my DD and SIL's house for use when looking after the DGC but wouldn't ever use them at any other time unless I had checked with them that it is ok. Those boundaries work the other way round too!

Our sons have keys but will always give a short knock before opening the door and shouting a greeting. They wouldn't dream of doing any tidying or housework in our home but will always help when asked. We have keys to their homes but only ever use them if we've been asked to do something in their absence.

It is still their family home but agree with Jalima, temporary stays only.

Saggi, I know you do a great deal to help out your family, your daughter sounds lovely, what a nice grateful attitude.

GrannyGranby, I do know what you mean about respect, we find our boys are beginning to advise us as though we were a couple of doddery old incompetents but at the same time will ask our advice, trust us to babysit and ask their Dad to paint the kitchen for them.

I have a key to DS and partner's house, likewise they have keys to mine, but these are for emergencies only or if we need each other to pop in during holiday time to see to things. We would never dream of using them to call in unannounced, and always knock at each others' doors first. When I used to babysit for them the most I would ever do is any washing up left by the sink. But now DGDs come to my house and stay over if babysitting is needed, much easier! I also do not leave my key in the door when I'm at home in case anyone needs to get in should something happen to me. Wouldn't mind if anyone did my washing up either!

That is such a sad original post.

I think a lot of people probably feel like this when they are left on their own.

You've got to try to 'keep your end up' Grannygranby. Just because you are on your own now doesn't mean you are any less of a person. Make sure they treat you in exactly the same way as they did before you lost your second husband. That's probably easier said than done. probably easier said then done.

I would hate this to happen to me at some point, if I should outlive my DH.

Good luck with this.

need an edit button. sigh.

I'm afraid I can't advise as it's always us fixing and building things at our families houses

Riggie - not on the original post, but you suggested leaving the key in the door so poster's daughter cannot get in. My DD who, by the way, always knocks, told us off for keeping the key in the lock for just the reason that nobody can get in if you are taken ill or have a fall.