Should I tell my future daughter in law?

My parents had genetic counselling before they started a family because DM had a history of mental illness in her family.
Luckily? the counsellor advised that she probably wasn't a carrier and as DF had no such history it would be safe to have children.
Did they have enough knowledge back in the 1940s to offer such advice?
In your case I think I would encourage your son to tell her. A relationship should be built on trust but it certainly is not your job.
I wish them both well.

I would say it's not your information to divulge, but I would also have a frank talk with your son and explain that he is laying a very shaky foundation for a relationship if he is keeping secrets from her. It seems he doesn't trust her to understand his past.

Did your son have medical treatment when he had these problems?
If so, perhaps ask his doctor in confidence about the likelihood of recurrence, inheritance etc.
Then discuss with your son. If anyone should tell her , it's him.

I don't think you ought to tell her, although I do understand your concern. However, your son doesn't want her to know, so I am afraid if you can't persuade him to tell her, there is nothing you can do.

If your DIL complains later that you didn't tell her, you will just need to explain that you didn't feel you could breach your son's confidence.

Hope everything turns out all right.

Gosh no - do not take it upon yourself to tell her - this would be quite wrong.

If he asks your opinion then tell him that a lifelong relationship needs to be based on trust and honesty.

I have a relative who had a major psychotic episode and was sectioned. Did well on drugs and eventually able to stop them. Future spouse told and they are happily married.

Thank you all again.
I will encourage him to 'come clean' to her on basis that full disclosure is the best start to a (hopefully) life-long realtionship.
What a great support you all are, helping me to decide what to do. Thank you again.

So much depends on your relationship with your son, and it sounds good. Also on the nature of his illness and the likelihood of recurrence.
As others have said, if she, or anyone connected (especially a child) is likely to be affected, then you should tell him that you have these grave concerns. If not, then tell him you will not lie, but will say nothing unless asked.
I am assuming he is no longer being actively treated.

I had a very good friend, who, out of the blue, in her 20s, had a spectacular mental breakdown, which took her a year to recover from, during which time she stayed with me. She found a place to move out, gradually resumed work, and recovered.
She found a lovely new boyfriend and we talked about her telling him, and she asked me to say nothing (and yes, a friend is in a very different position to a mother). I agreed, but I found her gradually distancing herself from me, and when they married they moved away.
We stayed in touch, but not as close as we were (especially as I was by then busy with a young family). She had a child, and then had a puerperal psychosis. Her husband felt 'let down' by everyone. He understood our position but wished somehow that he could have known. It wouldn't have stopped it of course, but he would have felt prepared. He felt so angry at being kept in the dark, he would have walked away, if it wasn't for the care of the child falling to him.
She recovered quite quickly and was able to mend her marriage. Also, we remain good friends.
I do understand that puerperal psychosis is a very specific thing, but share this in the hope that you may be able to present another point of view to your son.
He may be worried now about putting the relationship under strain, but I would hope he sees her as 'on his team'. the MIND website has useful information about talking to friends and relatives.
Having said all of that, if he really feels a recurrence is unlikely, he may just find it unhelpful to go over it all again.

babcha says he has had various mental health problems, I wonder if she thinks/knows one of them could cause a lot of problems in a marriage? I think she should tell her son he should mention it to his future wife as BradfordLass says it wouldn't have stopped her marrying him.

Polish Lily65 ??

But the mother has concerns. Why is this then?

Say nothing.

You haven't suggested that he is dangerous in any way.

You implied these issues are in the past.

How are you party to all the conversations that go on between your son and his partner? How do you know what he has told her?

nie trać czasu

I wish my mil had warned me about her son's mental health issues. It would not have prevented me marrying him but I may have been able to manage the subsequent trauma and plan for it.

However, that's the way I see things and this case, and these people, are obviously different.

No I do not think it is a parent's place to impart personal information to ACs friends/fiancée .

If I thought that the partner was likely to be in any real danger I would be in a big dilemma but you do not suggest that. If your son suffers from depression or bi-polar disorder these can be very well managed if the person is aware of the triggers and signs uses medication/ treatment. If it is past addiction then people do make good recoveries.

I would be gently encouraging my AC to discuss their health history with their potential life partner. Not a good start to be economical with the truth!

I'm not so sure Bibbity - a close family member is tormented by depression despite years of treatment and their father commited suicide - who's to say what's genetic?

You are in a difficult position... is there a third party who could tell her? A good friend of mine married someone with previous MH problems. Nobody had told him. He felt angry and betrayed afterwards when he realised. It is up to your son to tell her. But if he doesn't, make sure she is told by someone before she marries him.

What are his problems?
If this is something that could affect her or even enadanger her then I think you have a duty to either inform her or tell him he must.

If it’s something along the lines of past depression etc then I don’t see that it’s relevent now.

It would be better if the son told his partner himself especially as there were ‘various’ MH issues.
Mum is concerned enough to feel they ought to be mentioned even though they were in the past.
Poor girl.
I’m glad it’s not my daughter involved.

It would depend what his issues are.

I didn’t mean it was the mother’s duty to disclose the information about the mental health issues, bluebelle. In fact I said it would be a betrayal of trust, whatever the nature of the condition.

I was questioning whether the son had a duty to, in general terms. Just broadening the discussion really.
I think with any condition that might impact on any future children, ideally there should be disclosure before marriage.

Is his MH condition hereditary? Would it affect any children they had?

No it’s not your place to divulge any past information
You also say ‘in the past’ so hopefully it’s all behind him and he’s on a path of happiness with his fiancée
And Jane no it’s not the mothers place to disclose anything mental or physical with girlfriends in my opinion

Perhaps if it ever comes to light & she asks you why you hadn’t told her, you can reply that you assumed that he had told her.

What sort of MH problems - is the girl in any potential danger?

Thank you all so much for this wise and thoughtful advice.
It is the advice I had been given before but I still worry as I would like to know if I was marrying someone and might blame my mother in law in keeping quiet.