Ex husband

If he is asking for you, I think a quick, kindly visit would be nice.
Its probably the best reason in the world to let bygones be bygones.

If he is asking for you then perhaps you should consider going. If the positions were reversed would he visit you?

My ex died a year ago. But he had remarried and his wife was very sensitive and possessive. She just about tolerated the children visiting.
So I didn't visit or go to his funeral, though I did consider it.
Would your ex answer the phone? That's an option, or writing.
As you live quite near I think I would visit. I was living hundreds of miles away.

No, if your sons are not aching for you to do so.

Divorced is divorced. It does not sound from what you write that the parting was overly amicable.

For whose benefit would this be? If the answer is "not yours" and "not your sons", leave sleeping dogs lie.

Write a note or card if you feel you want to but if your sons aren’t looking for support I would leave it.

I don't think I would go, if your sons are not asking you to. Especially as he may not even know you if you did go. Might just upset the both of you.

This is such an individual decision. 23 years is a long while to spend with someone, no wonder you are unsure. Unless parting had been hugely acrimonious I think I would make one, short visit if it were possible. Go with your heart trueblu, trust your instinct. Talk with your sons about your decision, find out what the ‘don't visit’ is about, perhaps coming from a wish to protect you from distress. Only you can know what is the best thing for you to do.

My ex died a year or so ago he had remarried and divorced so was alone ‘woman wise’ but had some siblings around and two children from his last marriage None of my children saw him because he had virtually ignored them most of their life so they had no desire to visit and he was in another country anyway I certainly never considered going to his funeral although I do admit it was a funny feeling and I felt some sadness but no I couldn’t open up all those old wounds
But only you know what you feel you want to do and I don’t think anyone can make that decidicion for you I certainly wouldn’t take into consideration what other will think apart from your sons

Unless you sons wish it I would stay away. My ex died 4 yrs ago I didn’t visit him in hospital but I did go to the funeral more to support my three children than for me we were married for 20+ yrs.
I was the only one of his 3 wives that attended the funeral.

This sounds more like a conscience thing than an actual " need " to go ? Yet I feel that you have no need to go, but then again it depends how much you feel the need to go.

I would visit, this is a time to put old hurts aside. I agree with MissA.

I was married over 20 years before I divorced acrimoniously. When my ex was very ill I visited - I think he was pleased to see me and my son wanted me to talk to the doctors as I knew more medical stuff and he was very young. I was also there on the day he died.
If you are considering visiting, just do it. It can't do any harm and you may regret it if you don't.

He's asking to see you. Unless his partner or your sons really object, why not go?

The fact that you've asked means you must be considering it. If visit doesn't go well, leave after short while.

Sad, isn't it? I've often wondered whether my ex would come to mine and vice versa. He almost hated me towards the end of our marriage, so i doubt he'll come to mine.

But if things have been fairly amicable, I would go Trublu .

I think I would ask my sons to come with me as mutual supports for each other. They will remember in the future that you showed compassion.It also allows them to pay a final visit to their father without perhaps feeling disloyalty towards you. If they say no to this then respect their feelings.

A very personal and difficult decision for you Trueblu. In a similar situation my ex died though he had a partner and it was in fact his sibling that informed us he was dying. He had not contacted his children in 20 years but they finally decided to be coffin bearers to respect his family (with whom we are still on good terms). I discussed this with them and it was totally their decision. I asked if they would like me to go to support them and they too agreed it was my decision. Of course I checked with his partner that this would be OK. She and his family were so pleased we were there to pay respects though naturally we kept our own feelings to ourselves (It was an acrimonious divorce and his children have suffered over the years due to his treatment of me and them.) It was the right decision for us as it was quite cathartic and gave us closure.

I note that you say he is 'wandering'. My ex was the same at the end, asking for his dead mother and though I was understandably not told I expect for me too. He had no recognition of anyone around him so none of us thought it was worth distressing ourselves by going to see him then.

I am sure you will make the right decision for you and your sons and may it bring you peace.

Is it going to do any harm by visiting?

If you do, you won't feel guilty. Go for your own sake, if not for his. Guilt is a miserable thing to bear once it's too late.

Will you feel guilty if you don't? Only you know how you feel. My ex lives just 6 miles away but I haven't had any contact since our divorce. I have no wish to see him again after the way he treated me, but I would visit if he were seriously ill, on the understanding that I will not be nursing him.

I have just read all your reply’s. Thank you. It is good to read different views on the situation. I was undecided because of what I would find and my emotions. My sons say it’s up to me but probably don’t want to see me upset and we have been divorced for 23 years. We have been fine with one another at the odd family occasion that we met as I have always tried to keep things amicable for the boys sake. We have made arrangements, as it’s half term next week, to visit our grandchildren. I hope my son can have a break from the situation if nothing changes. I’ve decided to visit when we return, even though he may not recognise me as it feels the right thing to do. Thank you all.

It's a personal decision. I was divorced acrimoniously after 30 years together - 15 years later I've only seen him at family events, and then only a quick "hello". He had major heart surgery a few months ago - our daughter was a daily hospital visitor. Our son was anxious about going , so I went with him . Ex seemed happy to see me, and I was able to talk to the staff and find out what was going on. .
In your case , I'd say that if you go it won't do any harm. And if you don't go, you may regret it later. It's your call.

I was married to my first husband for 25 years. He is dying now and I have no intention of visiting him. I get on very well with his second wife and we see her when we drop my daughter off to visit him. She is looking after him very well as far as I know.

I accidentally met my second husband when I was in the early stages of divorce and it was the best thing that ever happened to me (apart from my daughters of course). We have been together for 27 years now. I have been ill for a couple of years and he has been brilliant. Fortunately I am on the mend now and hope for more happy years with him.

The fact that you are considering going to visit suggests that you will regret it if you don’t. So go with your own feelings , best wishes

I think you are more likely to regret not going than you will going. But I would keep it very brief.