Daughter’s will and how to deal with it

An invitation is not a summons. I wouldn't agree with lying for DD, but advising her that if she doesn't want to go, she should just tell them it doesn't work for her. She doesn't owe them an explanation.

One thing I think is being overlooked here is that I believe it's DD's birthday. Why should she have to give up HER special day for something she won't enjoy? Her birthday is about her. I recognize that SFIL has a birthday too, but I doubt it would be entirely ruined just because ONE person didn't show up.

My husband is high-functioning autistic. We don't attend most large extended family events, mainly because I know he won't enjoy it and it will be too much for him.

I'm the least sociable person ever; I avoid, at all costs, any forced social activity. But I'm honest with people. If I'm invited and I don't want to go, I just thank them for their kind invitation, and say that I won't be able to attend. I don't lie about it by making up an excuse; that's what immature people do. And I certainly wouldn't involve anyone else in the deception. Time for your daughter to grow up, accept the way she is about these events and deal with it like an adult; don't lie about having to be somewhere else.

I would just go to the birthday lunch and leave it up to your DD whether she goes or not.

Goodness. Your DD is an adult and can manage her own social life. If she doesn’t want to go she shouldn’t go. If you want to go, you should. It’d be nice if you’d do your DD the favor and let her make a kind excuse but it seems you either enjoy your daughters dislike of her ILs or making her feel uncomfortable and forcing her to be blunt and telling them she isn’t interested. It’s troubling you feel you have any business telling a grown woman who hasn’t asked for your advice how you think she needs to interact with others.

Saggi mother is not letting her 'get away with it'. As I said she's not a child. Fair enough if mother doesn't want to lie. But honestly a small lie to stop her daughter having to go. What a fuss! She makes tea for the ILs every week so she doesn't have a 'debilitating social problem' as Saggi suggests. And keep in with them so that they will be generous to any grandchildren? That did make me laugh. I would hope they're not like that. I rarely see some of my gc but I treat them all the same. And I would not tell my grownup daughter or sons what to do.

Daughter should be honest. If she doesn't want to go, then shr should say so.
You shouldn't get involved in giving her a fake excuse not to go.

Your daughter should surely make an effort with her in-laws.... there going to be a part of her life for a long while. You as her mum should be helping and encouraging her to overcome these quite debilitating social problems. Try not to encourage her negativity. They have been kind enough to invite you both and I think you should both go. Letting her ‘get away’ with this sort of avoidance is not helping her, in fact it could be enabling her to duck her familial responsibilities. I don’t know whether she has kids but this sort of thing is the stuff that gets picked up by them and copied behaviour. Laying up trouble for future generations.She needs help to ‘get over herself’ as they say these days....not molly-coddling. My husband is a disaster socially and has refused all but the most pressing invitations. My life has been stunted and blighted by his dislike of social occasions. I call it selfishness . If she makes the effort now it will be all the better for her and any future kids she has.

What if something were to "happen" to the in laws they became very ill suddenly (or even worse)! at 80 odd she may not getting too many chances at "not wanting to go" if you get my drift.

I'm sure your darling daughter would be horrified to read this thread.

Why is your DD so against socialising with her in-law She? Does she not like them, or does she not socialise at all? I have no suggestions to make, sorry!

& she also shouldnt expect her Dh to keep making an effort with you/your family/her friends if she wont make an effort with his.

If thats okay with her, fine! But she cant have it both ways AND he would not be wrong to be upset that she shows little interest in supporting the things that matter to him.

And if she isnt interested in being there for them she needs to just say no thank you. & not pretend that she would go except for "excuse"

To be honest if she wants to "opt out" of being a member of her DHs family she can. But she cant have it both ways, if she doesnt want to be there for them she has to be prepared for them to be naturally more supportive and generous towards their other ILs and same goes for any children she may have: if she distances hetself from her ILs she cannot later be surprized if they later do more for other GC compaired to hers.

There are great benefits to nurturing a good relationship with your ILs. If you opt out of that dont expect then to not appear to favour their other ILs

Perhaps you could go on your own as you seem so keen. But I know who I would support. Its not up to parents to tell adult children what they should do. She's not a child.

Somewhere the OP says he would have insisted if he was going to be there.

What gives her husband the right to insist that she goes? She might be married but he doesn't own her. Not in this day and age.

Where does it say he has?

Im not a social butterfly and hate "forced" events but also would go. Its the kind thing to do since their son cant be there to make them feel like "that side" of the family care about his birthday. She could go on the condition that when he IS home next time, he goes without her?

What gives her husband the right to insist that she goes? She might be married but he doesn't own her. Not in this day and age.

If she doesn't want to go, why should she. I doubt if she'll be missed. It sounds like it will be quite a big family gathering. She should say, "Thanks but I'll give it a miss this time".

Why do you want to go?

But it’s a birthday lunch not a big party or big gathering Martha it sound like half a dozen family members round a table and she’d have her mum with her Surely even the shyest person could manage that even if you leave soon after the meals over its disrespectful to go off on a jolly to avoid it in my opinion

They sound like very nice people. Their son is away and can't make the meal, so they have invited their DIL but sensing she may be uncomfortable on her own without their DS there, they've invited you, her parents. That's considerate and caring in my view. Considering how 'she' will feel. A lot of in laws would see the son being away as a good excuse not to bother with his wife.

I would go. They won't go away so it's far better to all get on and not rock the boat. It seems your DD doesn't feel as comfortable in their company as in her own families' company. You never do really do you. But you do have to consider your partner and to snub his parents would be hurting him.

You might like it Rocknroll but daughter clearly doesn't. I wish she was brave enough to say no. The problem will crop up again. She needs to learn to be assertive.

It is not a question of 'obligation', it is a question of courtesy, good manners and consideration of other people.

I don't really go to my in laws without DH.

If she doesn't want to go, then no point forcing it. Just be polite and tell her to decline saying they'll meet up when DH has returned.

It was on the Sunday visit yesterday that she was informed of their plans and that I would be invited...she messaged and phoned me to say can’t we go to seaside instead...?