Daughter’s will and how to deal with it

Sorry, just spotted the update that Mum has accepted her invite.

Mum needs to put her foot down about not going along with daughter's plan for them both to go to the seaside. (I guess is what FoxyLoxy meant).
If mum wants to accept the invite for herself, she should do so.

Foxyloxy I can only laugh at your views. Mum is not coping with a teenage strop.

Foxy, "Mum" needs to "put her foot down" about what? She "needs to make the stand" about what? DD is an adult. How can her mum tell her what invites she can or cannot accept? Back when I was a young woman, if my mum had ever tried to tell me how to conduct my social life. it would have done nothing but cause a rift between my mum and me. And that includes if she tried to tell me how to handle my relationship with my ils. Luckily, I got along ok with my ils and usually attended their events. But if I didn't want to and my mum had tried to force me, that would have been a big problem.

Think this is a Mum puts her foot down firmly moment! You are right, and need to make the stand, as difficult as it is going to be for you. Good luck

Bit of a deviation, but my vegetarian DD and DDIL both love it when we all go to our local carvery. They just load up with all the special veggies, sauces and Yorkshire puddings. The only problem is that we’re charged the same for theirs!

Well, in a sense, Greengage, you've grown as a person. I'm sorry your mother wasn't more sensitive to your feelings, but I'm sure she thought she was 'teaching you right," etc. Now you're an adult and a senior adult, at that, though, so I don't see why you have to go to any event you don't really want to go to. Mum's attitude doesn't matter, anymore, unless you have internalized it. I realize there are some events you may wish to attend or feel you "should" (a GS' graduation, a GD's wedding, etc.). But at this point in time, I think you can pick and choose.

Oh that's wonderful Rocknroll.

Greengage I don't think I would continually do anything that I found gutwrenchingly difficult. I'm sure the stress isn't good.

I read this posting and replies with great interest. I am one who is not comfortable on social occasions, but was brought up to 'know how to behave'! My mother's attitude was that if someone was kind enough to extend an invitation, you should accept it unless you had a reason you couldn't. My main problem was being very shy and lacking self confidence. I am in my 70s and still struggle on social occasions but over the years have gradually learned to cope. So well have I learned to act out my part, that a newish friend of mine had no idea how gut-wrenching I found such occasions until he got to know me better.

Have a good time!

I rang and had a good chat mainly about our health problems. And I gladly accepted the invite and found out that the carvery has reinvented itself to ‘meditterrean’ hurrah healthy eating loads of good stuff.
I told her I had no idea what my daughter was doing but I would come anyway and she was very pleased. So thank you all for letting me share this and your views were very interesting as usual

Hi all. Well last night I received an ansaphone message from d’s MIL so I think that is the invite so I will ring after breakfast. I will probably accept. It’s not that far away and not for very long ... there are far worse things. Thanks again for your advice.
And the seaside thing? well with hubby being away she’d have the land rover for all the dogs and we could go to our favourite dog beach in the north east and then have fish and chips in Saltburn. (I eat fish) I’ll think of that as I smile at his relatives who will wonder why I am there. I fear I am not old fashioned enough and therefore will go. I could ask her if she would mind if DD and I didn’t go so we could go out.. see above......these people are so tough they got thrown out of their bridge club ! It’ll be OK. Bless you all

Rocknroll the seaside thing. Can you not stay over at daughters?

I agree with you Luluaugust ,people do seem to take against in laws straight away nowadays, & on mumsnet they can't abide their mother in law no matter what!

I'm not saying your daughter is depressed but it definitely could be a reason for her not wanting to go out to a gathering. It's much easier to just stay away. Also if she doesn't want to go why should she feel forced into it. That won't make a happy lunch.x

Of course she doesnt have to go. Its a bit of a cop out to be "busy" and TBH people respond better to "no thank you, Im not good at parties but hope you have a lovely day" but whatever.

I do hope however she isnt going to have double standards about this when it comes to her DH and her own family and friends, and also her expectations of what her ILs will do for her and her DH.......

I think we come from an era when you did your duty and didn't question it. Young people today have been brought up to listen to their own instincts and we've given them their voice to say that they don't want to do it. I'm not sure which is the better way but I am glad you have got it sorted, Rocknroll5me.

Glad to hear this has been resolved, Rockenroll! I so know how you feel. It just seems kinder and, well, more "politically" wise to go if invited to ils. An invitation isn't a summons, however, as agnurse pointed out, so no one has to go. Some women just aren't comfortable around their ils without their dh there. That might be the case with dd. If I were you, I'd think twice about attending a meat meal, unless I brought my own food or was assured there would be vegetarian options. It;s/not like you have to give them a legnthy reason or anything like that, If you go, though, I hope you have a good time!

Well I'm glad it's resolved without you having to lie Rocknroll. And hopefully your daughter can now handle future similar situations.
I'm sorry I was a bit rude sometimes. I think because of my own daughter I got a bit emotional.
Its a pity about son in laws mother not having family there but it's not your or your daughter's responsibility (imo).
I do hope you have a good time if you decide to go.. I'm sure there will be a vegetarian option. You could enquire with the restaurant.

Granny is beginning to let the side down in her later years. ?

Oh God. I've just remembered. I'm supposed to be setting up a big pub lunch for the family for this Sunday. Haven't got round to it yet, probably cos I cba (can't be arsed).

Mom. Shepherds pie. Now you're talking. ?

Thanks all again. Especially Gonegirl and annepl. Well when I met DD yesterday afternoon she had already decided that I could/should go but she was going to be busy. She totally understood all the sides, and thinks I am mad going. Her main concern is that I will be throwing myself into the company of his relatives at a carvery. Something I hate, not having eaten meat for 18 years. My link with him is very tenuous... there are no grandchildren. I told her I would feel uncomfortable not going if I was invited. I have not heard directly from them. I think this is all the invite I am going to get...oh gawd. Sil’s mother was not at all phased that he was not going to be there but expected DD and me to be We think she likes to be represented at meals as her husband always gets his family to attend. So no prob now with DD and I will decide in time whether or not I will go.
(Perhaps on my birthday I could invite them to vegetarian restaurant and say don’t worry there is a meat eaters option of shepherds pie. )

'Enforced sociability' - what does that mean? Does it mean they force her into being sociable somehow, make her feel guilty if she doesn't socialise with them? Not clear on this... but all I will say, as someone who dislikes groups of any sort, who is no longer sociable and happy to be so, that we all have a right to be as we are, trueto ourselves. I know only too well how awful it is to be forced into social occasions, to act as others expect you. When you get to a certain point in your life and decide for once, to allow the real you to come out, you feel so much better. And if those around you don't like how you live, that is there problem and not yours. As someone cleverer than me said, be yourself, everyone else is taken.

agnurse The OP states that it's the step father who is celebrating his birthday; it doesn't mention OPs daughter's birthday at all. So the celebrations are nothing to do with "her special day"; she's simply been invited to attend, that's all. And if she doesn't want to go, she just needs to say so and stop with the subterfuge.