Love?

My DM used to say that, Sara, even though she and DF had a very happy marriage, overall.

And yes, I agree, often the love in a marriage changes. Hopefully, it gets deeper, as it has for DH and me. But I know, for some people, unfortunately, it sours. And for others, it just becomes different than it was before - not better or worse, just different. Regardless, IMO, it definitely changes for most of us.

I have always thought there should be a marriage contract, of say ten years ,which you can choose to renew, or walk away from, a lot can change in ten years.
We have been married for 42 years, weathered the storms, worked and lived together, and survived! He is still my best friend, I know he’ll always be on my side ( even when he isn’t) but it’s definitely a different kind of love, than it was when we started out

For Luckygirl, AnnSixty -and all who have cared or are caring for husbands and partners (and me)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrHImiBqLVI

I envy those of you who have long happy marriages, you are very lucky. I divorced a controlling cruel husband after trying to make it work for more years than I should have. The signs were there from the beginning but love is blind when you are young and naive. He only really “loved me” (not really) when I did what he wanted. I would have loved to have been with someone like some of you describe. I am very happy on my own now but apart from my children my marriage was a waste of my life

I know you didn't ask, Danni, but I agree w/ sodapop. It's only fair, IMO, to both of you to set yourselves free. You're kids must be grown by now, so it's not as if you'd be breaking up their home. You don't have to tell your husband you never loved him. Just let him know it's over, as gently as you can.

Oh Dannirae surely it's time now to put yourselves first and do what makes you both happier. I suspect you care more than you think.

I knew I didn't love my husband when I married him. I was very lonely when I met him and happy to have a boyfriend but, out of the blue, he asked me to marry him, and fearful of being lonely again I said "Yes". It was like stepping onto a merry-go-round, the wedding was planned, we bought a house and I just felt I couldn't back out. Now 49 years and 3 children later I still don't love him. I certainly don't fancy him - there is no physical contact between us - I stopped that years ago. We just plod along - people we know would be amazed if they knew the truth about our marriage. I long to be free but I know it would tear our family apart and I can't do that to them. I also feel sorry for my husband because he clearly deserved more from marriage than I ever gave him. Added to all this in 1991 I met a man who I have strong feeling for and we have been friends ever since. I text and call him from time to time - he knows how I feel about him but I can only guess how he feels about me? It's not how I thought my life would be for sure - how will it be in the future? I truly don't know.........but I can dream.

Paddyann
My fiancé is a gem.

Teetime you put if well. And I think it's true.

Another Katherine fan here. One of the few books I have reread. Have it on audio Amazon as well.
Love...can be a hindrance to happiness. You can stay in a bad relationship because you love.

Oh, Holly, what a charming story! Love it!

Gagagran, yes, very wise words, indeed!

Teetime and Urmstongran, I've read that, too, and I think there's some truth to it. I mean, I think it's possible that each partner could be a little bit of each, but there's always one who loves somewhat more. I wonder if the "lover" and the "loved" have different perceptions of the relationship at any given time?

Wise word Gagagran
I do appreciate just how very fortunate we are as a couple - with our shared children and grandchildren.

I read some of the forums where, within blended families, there are added complexities to deal with which can generate a lot of unhappiness. Weddings spring to mind! and extra sets of grandparents. It can be a minefield by some accounts.

Such an interesting thread and lots of wise and thoughtful comments. I can relate to many of them after almost 54 ongoing years of marriage.

I think it would be unrealistic to expect things to remain unchanged during a marriage and we all start out thinking it will last for ever in the heights of early love. It doesn't of course because death comes calling at some point even if we stay together.

For us, it's the companionship, joy in family and shared experiences and memories that make ours a happy marriage. I know we are lucky in that, but it has taken a lot of forbearance, forgiveness and counting of blessings!

.....and I know he would do the same for me, were the situation the other way around.....

Do I love my OH? - I find that hard to answer. Our relationship has changed enormously now that he is dependent on me for so much: washing/dressing/remembering stuff/pulling his pants up after he has been to the loo etc. etc.

It is certainly a very different relationship and a very different feeling now! And some of the side effects of his drugs have put me through hell.

But now and again there are little flashes of his rather witty, erudite and subtle humour and I can see the man I married.

I do nor feel romantically towards him - frankly he smells sometimes and believe me that is a major turn-off! But we have so much shared experience and a shared love for our offspring and theirs. I am stressed by caring for him; but would not dream of doing otherwise. We have always been a partnership and will remain so till one of us dies.

There is nothing perfect about the situation here, but I long ago stopped expecting life to deal out perfection.

I recall that too Teetime something about choosing to be with someone who loves you more. That’s what I did ?
Everyone laughs in a group discussion if ‘remarrying the one your with’ comes up. My husband always says he would definitely marry me gain. I always remain quiet .... !

Isn't there a saying about one being the loved and one being the lover in a relationship. Its about the idea that one of the couple loves more than the other one i.e. its never a wholly equal feeling. Sorry I am probably putting that badly.

Lovely story Hollycat ?

Oh Sorry it was Annie Lennox

I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be so in love for all those years (that some of you have written about) , but oh how I envy you. Was it A Carol King or Carly Simon song “ I don’t love you any more- I don’t think I ever did”

So many romantic stories here! And (sigh) so many sad ones! I really feel for those of you whose marriages have gone sour or just blah. I hope you get the chance to find new love.

Age, I think there are a lot of wonderful definitions and descriptions of love here. I've known some couples who just clicked from the moment they met each other and that's where it has been at ever since though the early, youthful passion may have calmed down. But I also know others whose love "ran out," as you say.

Not sure why you're asking that. It sounds as if you aren't feeling very loving towards dh these days. Maybe you're just in a rut and need to switch things up a little, go on an exciting trip or two, etc. Couples I know who travel a lot together always seem to be really enjoying each other, but, of course, it can be expensive and not workable for everyone.

Or maybe there has been too much "perseverance" and not enough joy. Perhaps it's time to move on? How does dh feel about it all?

The poster who said the vows were written in a different time is right, IMO. Also, they were written in a time when "death" came much sooner than it does today. You're entitled to be happy and so is he. Please think about what you really want.

Urnstongram and lemongrove, you are both making me laugh, lol"

I think it's awesome that some of you found the love of your life early on and married him, too! I married my love, but didn't meet him till a little later on. Also, I'm another one who can't be with someone round the clock, no matter how much I love them. I need my "me" time. But great for those of you who enjoy be together all the time!

Gillybob, your story is romantic in its own way. Your first husband gave you your first child, the second was there when you needed him, and then, finally, you met your true love - beautiful!

Maybe if love stops being a two-way street, then someone becomes a stalker.

Beautiful quote, grannyactivist!

Paddyann, love the advice your mother gave, but, wow!

I'm still in love with my (second, after a disaster) husband. We've been tested by the worst blows over the last 20 years that I think a couple could take.
The love has changed, no doubt, and we have both changed in ourselves, profoundly in my case. However we have an unbreakable bond. I don't analyse it. I just feel it and know it to be there.
He's hurt me dreadfully in the past, but I think it was his sincere effort and contrition and reflection that showed me who he really was. He had to "grow up" or lose me, and he fought to prove he could.
He's my best friend. We forgive each other's flaws and remind each other how lucky we are to have each other when life has sometimes been so cruel. We have each others' backs and know we can handle anything if we're together.