About to end friendship

Well it seems to me that A is slightly jealous of B. Not liking your relationship with B. Awwww. Let it go. Don’t cause her to lose money as well as yourself. Be a bit sorry for her, be the grown up. In future disentangle yourself gradually, you don’t want to damage people. She probably relies a lot on your friendship.
I terminated a very long friendship in the last year and am very relieved I did so. I had ignored betrayals over the years because she could always turn on the charm and I thought ...well if anything serious happened to either of us we’d be there... then it did, to me, and she wasn’t. So such a relief that I don’t tense up when the phone rings. BUT I don’t see any betrayals here. Is that she doesn’t like your friend good enough excuse to dump? Is there another deeper reason?
I remember when I was s little girl my mother broke off with a very good friend, a friendless woman very fond of my mum, I liked her too. She wasn’t warm but she was unusual, a spinster, a loner, because this friend said something nasty about my older brothers girlfriend who none of us knew but was pregnant and about to be married to said brother. My mother refused to ever speak to her again, or write. Years later she was the only mourner at her funeral. I thought it was tragic. And so unnecessary.

Oh no Lumarei I don't agree at all. Telling someone why when they haven't asked is really confrontational and at the very least it's imposing a criticism on them that they haven't solicited. If they say "please tell me why blah blah" then maybe you can tell them.

You certainly need to speak to this person and state , quite calmly if you can, that you have been friends with B and that you were very upset with A for what she said. Because of this, you feel that you are unable to go on the cruise with her or the course and that it is better if the two of you do not meet up for a while and leave it at that.Get up and walk away if you need to!

I totally understand where you are coming from - the spite and malice is draining and hard to ignore.

However, I am very much in the ‘why cut off your nose to spite your face’ corner.

Choose to sit elsewhere on the course, if possible, and practice being aloof in her company.

There will surely be other people on the cruise - focus on enjoying yourself.

Now, she is obviously aware that she has overstepped the mark - you can politely but firmly remind her that her opinions are not appreciated and that if she doesn’t hold her tongue, you would prefer not to see her as frequently, or at all.

I find that having made this clear, a look is generally enough for a swift change of topic. If not, simply walking away, or indeed stopping the car and inviting them to continue their journey on foot!

I hope you will enjoy your clubs and cruise, with or without her - and your DH is an absolute treasure to have your back like that ?

I agree that you do not need to “separate” from her - just reduce the amount of contact. However you owe her the benefit of telling her why you want to cut back the activities you do with her. There is nothing worse than people just stop talking to you without knowing what the problem was.
We all make mistakes and can get on someones nerves but I would like to know what I am doing wrong.

You don't have to fall out with her, just cool down. Be busy when she wants to meet. See gradually less and less of her. Whatever you do don't tell her anything about yourself or your family especially anything personal. Keep away from her as much as possible without actually falling out.

I agree with ReadyMeals; by the time I've come to the conclusion that someone is really not nice to be around, and I no longer want them in my life, the friendship is beyond salvaging. I have been in the position of having 2 friends who, unbeknown to me at the time, were saying quite awful, nasty things about me to each other and possibly others but were also nice to my face. By the time I'd cottoned on to this, there was no possibility of the friendship continuing and so I just stopped accepting invitations to meet up and let the friendship fizzle out. When I see either of them now, I have a polite, but brief, conversation and move away. Life's too short to be watching your back all the time.

Oh I forgot to actually make my main point. By the time I have decided I don't like someone, I have realised that sorting out wouldn't work. If it really was sortable out I'd classify it as a misunderstanding rather than a basic dislike.

Optimist, oddly, after many years of sharing your attitude, I have come to the opposite conclusion. Or to be more exact, I have probably only radically cut out about two people in my lifetime - ones who seriously tried to damage me. In general I simply stop making arrangements to be with the disliked person but would still have a brief polite conversation if an occasion led to it. Dislike of someone, to me, doesn't mean loss of ability to interact or cooperate when there is a mutual goal.

I have come to the conclusion that sorting out problems in life is much more beneficial rather than just cutting people out of our lives. To me, life is all about people! I have one friend who has cut me off and another who I dont see so much (her choice) and in both cases I have spent time reflecting on how I could have handled things differently and in the process I have gained insight into myself.

Bit bewildered about the use of the word confrontational in all this - confrontational is when you square up with an opponent ready to do battle - all that needs to be done here is for you to talk to your friend who you seem to have as a companion for several activities - the next time she says something negative about your other friend simply say - you know A, I like both you and B very much - you are both my friends and I want to keep it that way so please don’t say things about her that are negative as it upsets me - there’s enough in that form of words to let her know that her continued friendship with you is conditional upon not behaving like a child in a school playground - that’s nothing near confrontational - we have to talk candidly to each other a lot more - good luck

I can think of two occasions where I have told someone I don't like one of their other friends. They spoke in their defence of course like a good friend would, but it didn't escalate. All that happened is they remembered not to invite us to the same things in future (except if there were going to be loads of people there anyway). I work on the theory that every person isn't going to like every person. I am quite sure I am the target of friends of friends' dislike too and one just has to accept it.

Thank you all. I've had a text to organise a 'tel call tomorrow.
Were bridge partners and friends. We play twice a week (3 hour sessions) plus lessons this term.
It was not a once off bad day. A can be anxious and a worrier. Unhappy with DH too (a decent man, just incompatible) I've heard all and feel for her. But I've heard too often. Plus all grumps about other people at the club. Ad nauseam.
We've had too much 1:1 in recent months. Some later breaks are for 4 which works well though one of them includes (C) who has least time for. I think it was mention of that break and C's name brought on the tirade (which included C's name and others). The heated, raised voice scenario was focussed on B. B is unaware but it has filled my head and taken too much emotional energy. DH back from trip so good chat this eve. I think perhaps A and I got too close and its built up. A just knows the buttons to press - criticising people she knows I like and doesn't like me playing with.
God, who said the Irish don't do 'long story short'??

I'm more 75% not going on cruise...

I made a pact with myself a while ago to only have positive people in my life, so she would have to go for me. I have no time or space for unpleasant people.

If she is 'super sensitive and super critical of others' I would wonder what she's saying about you to others. The cruise is a problem but it seems you're prepared to take a hit on the money with the support of your DH. Spend time with people who make you feel good.

I agree with madgran. I think you need to talk to her and say how you feel. Its a bit extreme to just never speak again without discussing it..

Perhaps she was having a bad day. She realises she upset you and behaved better the next time you saw her. Could you give her another chance and if she slips into being bitchy say you would prefer not to hear these things and say they are unfair or whatever.

I would talk things through...keeping factual in describing specifically what she said that upset you and why ...then listening to her perspective on that. Then if you still wish to cut off then tell her that you have heard her point of view and as a result feel that stepping away would be best because of how that makes you feel etc etc

I agree with B9 you do need to explain how you feel and give her a chance too. It's not necessary to be confrontational just talk things through.

The answer is.Really? Maybe you should take a look at your faults than point out someone's elses

It's a weekly course with 4 more weeks. And the cruises. We are members of two clubs too. Shame. I've never felt so 'negative' out. She's aware and was on best behaviour next day. But, I can5 listen to B being accused of being really rude, that group being unfriendly, all rude too, sorry, just full of it..

Oh, a cruise, in your first post you referred to a course. I had assumed it was a one day thing. Of course with a cruise you will be together an awful lot and it does seem that your DH has your backing so it does seem like the sensible thing to do. I guess that in these circumstances you are going to have to give an explanation, especially as you need to give her time to find a replacement to minimise the loss. I will imagine that she will know why you have decided to end the friendship, no matter what you tell her. I would be as tactful as possible but the truth hurts so it would seem that some upset is impossible to avoid. If you have decided I would just do it so that you can put it to rest.

I agree with Lucky. Just gradually see less of her.

What a shame. I would not want to go on a cruise with a negative person - presumably sharing cabins. I agree it is best to remain as acquaintances and not do anything where you are partnered, just tell her that it upsets you to hear negativity all the time. Life is too short, it is a much happier place if we concentrate on the positive things in people/events.

I'm very aware I'm no saint either but the pettiness of so much drains me at times.
SH and I lost our DS1 at 18 7 years ago. He had severe disabilities and health issues. I know what's important in life, what the small stuff is. I sweat it at times but briefly, sleep it off, another day dawns. I believe most people are basically nice. We all have our quirks but so what?

Thanks. Problem is details may identify.
A is super sensitive and supercritical of others. I try to divert and joke I can't remember that persons face let alone the look that was on it.
We are due to do an activity cruise towards end of April. I'll lose 75% now but DH backing me to pull out. If I leave too close to date will lose all.
Plan is to give her window of time for change of name (ie for her to replace me) and I'll lose less. Willing to suffer 75% loss.
Another activity break September but will only lose £200.
Were both Irish, gelled well in many ways but the negativity and jealousy has crossed a line. Did course together 30 years ago lost contact, met up again a couple of years ago.