About to end friendship

We met for our lesson today. As though nothing had happened so on way I asked were we ok. Agreed to move on. However, I think we both know where we stand. I'll be going on cruise, playing less between now a d then, more time for myself and house. Other bridge pals too. I'm getting over a sore back and the a get has gone, just a bit flat. (I'm a dreadful housewife, low energy to boot, so will be a good opportunity to find more balance in my life.)
Thank you all. I love Gransnet and all you Gransnetters

Just let it go. Fulfill any of the plans that you want to and then 'ghost' her.

Best of luck Bridsdaughter. I am in a similar situation with my friend. We had strong words over her betrayal to me a few weeks back now. She doesn’t like me talking for too long to anyone else, she says I avoid her, I don’t, when in other people’s company. She’s rather possessive. Our friendship continues but is a bit fractured though. I will not ditch her , don’t want to shoot myself in the foot. I have just stepped back a bit by seeing less of her. I have other friends and also like doing certain things on my own. My advice is, Dont let her bully you. Use her for your own sanity, or move on without her.

Thank you all. I live Gransnet and the range of experience you all bring to a situation.
We'll be at the lesson on Tuesday and will see how it goes. Going direct- no lift

It's hard when people say nasty things about your mutual friend. Now, we have a group of friends.....we phone each other regularly, and to be quite honest, we are not a mutual admiration society. We complain about one to the other, but no one carries it over or stirs trouble. We are all grown and we are entitled to our opinions and to who we share these opinions with.
We choose someone as our friend because circumstances have drawn us together - we find someone we can either relate to or empathis with.
One of my friends is so negative about her life. She is always looking to see where she can save a penny or two, (she is very well off by the way). If I ring to say I have a headache she'll say she has a migraine....the attention has to be on her. It's very tiresome at times, but we have a lot of things in common, children, culture etc. So I would never break my friendship with her. When she is in a "poor me " mood, I give some excuse to cut short the conversation.

BradfordLass72

We live in an age where petty criticism of others is rife. It seems impossible to sit on a bus or train without overhearing a tedious conversation where A is telling B what is wrong with C. On another bus somewhere, C will be telling D what is wrong with A.

Brigidsdaughter

Seems to me A’s views about your friend B are the straw that broke the camel’s back and your friendship and bridge partnership with her would be better ended so that you no longer have to tolerate her generally negative take on life. You have been open and honest by discussing how you feel and can now move on to the next stage.

You don’t say how long you have been bridge partners or to what standard. A discreet word with your club’s host(s) about changing might be helpful. Are there any new players in the club and to the game who might welcome being paired with more experienced players? That’s how you might get around the inevitable club gossip if you each suddenly start playing with a new partner.

I haven’t played bridge in a while and when I did, never had a regular partner. I used to enjoy being paired up with different people from week to week apart from one very competitive but rather rude and grumpy man. Then I might bid us into a contract that would be hard for him to make, smile sweetly and then go off and make a cup of tea while dummy. Apologies to non-bridge players.

My Mum always used to say, 'If someone talks to you about others behind their back, you can bet they talk about you behind yours.'

You know it’s much better to have people around you that bring harmony and positivity to your life, not toxic friends who just stress you out. Just become unavailable to her and forget it.

I really feel for you this is a horrible situation. I can only speak from my own experience.
My advice for you is negative friends will drain the life out of you. You sound like a nice lady that doesn’t like confrontation.
Your friend seems to be jealous and controlling. You don’t need people like that in your life.
I think you are brave to speak to her face to face. My guess is that she will probably not listen and be defensive. Try to explain things clearly and calmly.
Your feelings and friendship with others are important to you. Don’t let her squash you speak your mind. If she doesn’t understand or listen. I would not bother with her anymore.
This could happen again and again unless you put a stop to it.

Divisive person comes to mind.

I'd just be honest by telling A how uncomfortable the situation makes you feel when she's badmouthing another person whom you enjoy. Reminding her you'd feel the same if someone were doing it to her and you'd prefer not to be involved with the negativity. Distance yourself if not respected.

As you inferred she didnt feel she needed to make any apology and that in her mind it was B who was rude I dont think anything will change. So better to step away and not spend so much time in her company.

I always remember a Manager of mine about 30 years ago said he does not surround himself with negative people and in a group situation would remove himself from the conversation. Stayed with me those words.

ladyinspain In this instace A, B and C are not abbreviations, just code letters for different friends in the OP's life.

Could someone tell me where to find the abbreviations list? Im finding it really hard to read post with so many in them! I cant work out who is who, and give up!

Has she always been like this? If not is she depressed or physically unwell? If she’s as bad as you say why arrange to go on holiday? I definitely think you should speak to her before cancelling your plans. Perhaps she’s got problems that are making her so negative.

Well, call over. A long one, around the houses, beginning with her saying she could see I was unhappy and she wanted to know why. (I was a bit flat at Weds game, not rude, just not myself and made excuse about today's game.)
We said all there was to be said. She feels I'm holding a grudge and am not very forgiving (of my perceived slight on her part) I said I just needed space as bridge is intense and it's been busy and 3 times weekly recently. All so 1:1. We play as a team of two. No avoiding. Hard to describe to non player North South, etc
I admitted my own fault for not being more open on issues sooner - might have helped stop the runaway train.
She can do cruise without me. Booked on basis shed go solo even if I didn't.
Anyway, felt low until call over nut some of the solid mud in my system has shifted and somehow it was cathartic so well do lesson Tuesday she's away for rest of week and we'll see where we are following Tuesday.
No apology but hey, life is short, this hiccup will be in the past soon enough. I have a couple of weeks to ponder cruise.
SUMMARY: A thinks no issue and B was rude end of. I think better to mention briefly and leave until with independent person to unload. Agree to disagree.

I wouldn't engage in a confrontation. Try to make yourself scarce going forward and ease off the friendship gradually. If you confront her, you will likely end up on the wrong end of her future 'conversations'. If she corners you again, you can politely change the subject. She'll get the hint soon enough.

It sounds to me that this is not just a case of her bad mouthing your friend but a continual barrage of negativity about her life, husband, etc. If that is the case, I really feel for you because it does become emotionally draining. I have a daughter who I love dearly but she is very negative, makes decisions about things that you can see will just lead to more problems for her to moan about and keeps going round in circles with the same problems with her husband. There are days when I could scream but she steadfastly refuses to accept that she is, to the greater extent, the mistress of her own destiny. I find myself limiting my time with her before my patience just wears thin. You can choose your friends but not your family so make the choice that suits you.

Waiting for a call. A texted to arrange call today for chat.
We are bridge partners. We either play as a team of two or end partnership. Sad sad, sad...
She can cruise on her own. It's a bridge cruise. Lots of singles to play with.

It sounds to me as if your friend has some emotional issues going on and is giving vent by criticising your other friend. (There's possibly some jealousy and insecurity in the mix, too). If you value the friendship you have with her, however, then I think the advice offered by GoldenAge is worth a try first.

I had a friend who was very confrontational and I just like to keep in the background. We got on so well, but I would be embarrassed by her 'straight talk' to other people, so I eventually slowly pulled away from her. I have to say, now I do regret this, as we got on so well and had so much in common, but it's been a year or so since the last contact, and I have to put up with not being friends with her again. Just to say, - if you get on well together, perhaps it might be best to accept that you have different views about things, as you might end up like me, regretting not seeing my friend any more.

Tricky.... It sounds as though A is really rather insecure (and possibly very lonely too...) Unfortunately, she’s not doing herself any favours by being so critical of others. I would suggest that she is highly self-critical, has difficulties with liking herself and wants friends who will spend time with and affirm her, but can’t manage to be kind, compassionate or grateful herself. Highly critical (and unhappy) people are ‘drains’. The advice of other posters to spend less time with, or around, her seems to me to be to be eminently sensible. Are you able to emotionally detach from her when you are with her rather than allowing her behaviour to ‘push your buttons’? She actually sounds like a rather sad person - it must be hard being inside her own head if she finds other people so unpleasant and her life so unsatisfying.

I’ve an elderly widowed Mum, always been very critical of anyone who does not agree with her views ( me included). A life long friend of Mums, another widow, who I really like, visits Mum daily as Mum is on a zimmer and can’t go out unassisted. I take them out for a country drive and pub lunch once a week, and if Mums friend can’t come for whatever reason, Mum always starts criticising her. I flatly refuse to sit and listen to it and tell her at once that I’m not having that conversation, it’s easier to deal with at the time than in retrospect. Mum will say, yes but .... and I just interrupt and remind her how lonely she would be without her friends daily visits. She knows now not to even start with me, as I decide what I will/won’t talk about.

A way I have found useful is to step back quietly from the person you want out of your life. It can take a bit longer but doesn't cause aggro. Are you sure she doesn't talk about you in the same light to others,
If you understand the concept you an talk to her higher self in your head telling her how you feel , thbis works well too.